Child maintenance if share custody 50/50

[ScandiCinnamon]

Hello all.

Just a bit of background; I am midst what is turning out to be a nasty separation from an emotionally abusive and controlling person. It has taken me years to build up the strength to call time on this relationship.

We are not married. Have two DDs in primary school.

We jointly own the property we are in but are otherwise in polar opposites financially. We always had separate finances. I worked PT in low paid job whilst looking after DD’s for 5.5 years. = no savings.

For years OH was absent in evenings and weekends in meetings and doing his own hobby etc etc. I cried and argued over this but no, he was happy with the amount of time he spent with us. We weren’t.

However, now he is turning out to be father of the year and want to have the DD’s 50/50 and as he pointed out repeatedly yesterday, will therefore not pay any child maintenance.

I for the record to not want to do 50/50 but as he is their father there is nothing I can do to prevent this (?)

Now, I have heard this before; If the overnight time is split 50/50 between the parents no child maintenance needs to be paid……..

However, when I just logged on to the UK Government Child Maintenance Calculator and I put in that the children will ‘On average stay with him more than 3 nights a week (it would be every second week 3 every second week 4 so 3.5 nights a week) the result still show as he needs to pay maintenance………. I am very confused.

I know I need to find a good solicitor but due to finances I would like to have my ducks in as neat a row as prior to heading there. He can afford to hire a fancy lawyer and go to court. I can’t.

Does anyone have any experience to share?

Much appreciated

OP your 7 year old has exactly the right pattern

well it was actually my youngest who suggested that daddy should move out, live in a different house and they would see him every second weekend and on a night during week. She was 7 at the time

I would say they have heard that from somewhere. I very much doubt a 7 year old would think that up for themselves.

You need legal advice. Each case is individual.

@SillySallySingsSongs yes she had heard it from one of her best friends at school. The conversation actually went. Mum I think daddy should move out and live in a different house. Then we can see him xyz (as above) just like my friend so and so does. Oh and do you know the boy in my class called so and so? I said no. Well his daddy and his mummy does it like this... and she went on to explain their pattern. Prior that there had never ever been any conversation about moving or separating. This conversation she had with me was on the back of yet another fight between ex OH and I and it was just her and I in the house as the other two were out.

I know I need legal advice. This whole thread started on the back of my original question and I am very appreciative of the responses I have had so far.

It needn't cost you anything to go to court if he makes the application and you self represent. Or you could pay about £200 and apply yourself. It might mean going up against his legal representative but it probably won't be as bad as you imagine. Him having a solicitor/barrister won't automatically make his case stronger because it's about what is best for the children.

You would have to attend or prove you had considered attending mediation in advance.

If you can afford it though, get some time with a good lawyer so that even if you can't afford for them to see you through the whole process you are clued up enough to know what the options are.

@Doyoumind Really? I have been told it would cost a minimum of £15k to go to court.

I would be very fearful of representing myself in court.... I am not as eloquent with expressing myself as he is. To the rest of the world he is very charming and well spoken and has such a way with words.

I am referring only to child arrangements and not any financial settlements/divorce. I don't think you have said whether you are married. I think £15k would be steep to get an initial court order. It might reach that if you are dragged back to court multiple times. It depends if you have a barrister too, as they are very expensive. You can apply yourself and get a date for a first directions hearing within 6 weeks. It doesn't need to be long and drawn out, though you do need to see a mediator at least once first to confirm you have considered it and confirmed it's not suitable.

Regarding child arrangements, the family court is not like a criminal court and people do often self represent. It's difficult with someone who is abusive so I can understand your concerns. I just want you to realise you are not as trapped and under his control as you feel you are now.

Women's Aid would be able to help you understand this more too.

Have you got any proof of the abuse such as reports to the police etc?

Doyoumind the proof is mostly in therapists notes and things witnessed by others. There has been no police report. How do you prove emotional abuse, controlling behaviour and gaslighting??

The courts don't care unless there has been involvement with the police or SS. You need to prove that the children have been involved in any abuse, rather than you, and that there is a safeguarding issue, otherwise it means nothing in court. You need proof of abuse to say it's the reason why you're not doing mediation. I'm not an expert. Just speaking from my experience and personal knowledge.

I struggled to find a solicitor who cared about the abuse because it's so irrelevant. Luckily I found a good one in the end but my ex's behaviour had limited impact on the outcome other than that I think it became apparent to those involved that his controlling and abusive nature meant that he made unreasonable demands, such as your ex has made.

You have to build your case around what's best for the children and try and get as much as possible said about why he isn't looking at it this way and hasn't been motivated to in the past.

£15K for a hearing sounds steep. That’s more than what my Final Hearing cost and that involved preparation by solicitors and representation by two Barristers for one and half days.

Can I also add self representation is much more common now due to removal of legal aid. Judges are not expecting solicitors talk

@MissedTheBoatAgain the £15k figure I have been told by at least a couple of solicitors.

@Doyoumind no we are not married. So, my only claim is on the property and possible child maintenance. Despite me looking after the children for years whilst he built up pension and a huge nest egg. Somewhat frustrating. Especially as now the whole demand of 50/50 split of care is just yet another attempt from his side to control me and the situation as he holds all the financial cards.

On a general whole I think it is terrible that emotional abuse is not more spoken of and taken into consideration.

@MissedTheBoatAgain the £15k figure I have been told by at least a couple of solicitors

Try some others. Sounds steep to me.

Even physical abuse counts for nothing if it hasn't been reported. You can contact the police regarding non-physical abuse. It's still counted as a crime.

You can keep legal costs down even if you are using a solicitor by managing the whole process very closely and writing everything for your solicitor for them to turn into legal speak. You can have a solicitor rather than a barrister in court with you. If you are being quoted £15k I think you are speaking to the wrong law firms.

@Doyoumind Oh I had no idea that you could write the stuff down for the solicitor. That is a great idea.

@Redbus1030 Thank you so much for sharing your experience. The comment about how it is hard to manage work when you do a week on/week off etc is a very good point.

Unfortunately the financial side of things for me; with him having built up pension and nest egg whilst I have nothing to show for 5.5 years puts me in a very bad position to create a home of my own for the DD's to be in when they are with me. As is now he can afford the three bedroom house in the same area as the school whilst I will have to find a 1.5 bedroom flat very far from the school. It really does not feel fair.

I have shared custody with xw. Have kids 4 nights a week, she has them the other 3. I pay all their childcare costs and receive all the tax credits etc.

Don’t get any maintenance from xw (probably could if I went to cms) even though she is the higher earner and I have them for the (slightly) longer time each week. It does seem fair to me though due to me getting the benefits in full and her not getting any. Maybe I’m shortchanging myself but I think if you have a true 50/50 split then the other person shouldn’t be paying maintenance on top as they’d are still paying for food, clothes etc half the week.

My prob is the house costs. Well rent/mortgage whichever. If I have to move and then carry all of it myself I can't afford to stay in the area where the girls go to school. He can afford a mansion and has all the money and pension he saved up whilst I was at home with the girls.... It is frustrating.

Why should he pay you maintenance though? If you both have 50:50 care, you're both having to pay out for accommodation, standard bills, their clothes etc and it should be relatively equal. Surely by your logic you should also be paying him maintenance?

Posey presumably because for 5.5 years she took low paid jobs in order to facilitate looking after their DDs enabling him to work and get a savings pot together and a pension. If they were married or in a civil partnership she would be entitled to both

50/50 will mean though that he has to stop working full time - how on earth can he facilitate that

OP you dont have to sell the house though - that is a joint asset get legal advice about that

@Quartz2208 thank you.

Posey my looking after the children for all that time enabled him to save and now we are financially in polar opposites. He can provide the DD's with a fantastic home. If I do not get something more from him then I will not be able to provide a decent home for them/will have to move so far away that it will be impossible to get them to go to school whilst also holding down a job. I am not asking for money for me, for my lifestyle or anything. It would be for a home for the girls. So, if he did pay maintenance I would put that towards rent/mortgage.

OP my friend has a hideous ex partner (went through court/tried to stop her moving to be nearer her parents) and ended up with EOW. He doesnt pay maintenance because he quit his 6 figure job and lives off his pension and undeclared freelance work

BUT he did help her buy a house but lending money to her to enable her to get a mortgage - yes he was a dick about it (insisting on clauses such as if she moves someone in the entire amount owed back in 6 months rather than the schedule she has which is the youngest turning 18) but he was made to see that leaving her homeless and away from a decent school was not the way forward.

What is the situation at the moment are you living together

Quartz Yes we are still living together. Time was called in April/May. Told the DD's in July. They were sad but oh so relieved there would be an end to living with parents that are arguing/daddy treating mum badly etc. He told them he would get a place around the corner etc. They were excited. He then did a 360 and is now refusing to move out. It is dire.

quartz2208 “50/50 will mean though that he has to stop working full time - how on earth can he facilitate that”

Not necessarily, I work 35 hours a week and still have my boys 4 out of 7 days. I have almost no “me time” as either with the kids or at work but it is doable without going part time if you’re prepared to make sacrifices to your social life

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett is right:

You know how I see this playing out? You agree to 50/50, he doesn't pay you anything, he keeps to the agreement for six months or so to mess with your head, you'll turn around in a year and find you've got the children all the time and aren't getting any maintenance for them because of your agreement. Happens on here all the time, I'm afraid.

This exact thing has happened to me.