Worst decision a woman could make

[Notbeingrobbed]

As a working mother with two children to support, my divorce has made me see that getting married was the worst financial decision I ever made.

I have been the higher earner so will lose a big chunk of the money that I have made throughout my life. I also have the kids to support (happy to).

My ex will get a big payout having benefitted from my income as well as his own for years.

Why would any modern woman marry? Oh, because we are all influenced by society (and hormones) to think it’s a good thing.

People say I am arguing like a man. But the law was surely designed to protect a stay-at-home mother with children from a husband who leaves. Not to protect a layabout-at-home father?

Surely thats the risk you take? If you want to keep all your assetts to yourself then don't get married.

That brings me back to my initial point. Why would anyone marry? Oh well the cultural conditioning would be the main explanation. I married more than 20 years ago and, although it seems a little quaint to say it these days, I thought it was the morally correct way to raise a family and make a commitment. I was misled.

But presumably you would not be saying this if it was you leaving with more than you put in?

For me i would want to get married as a commitment to that person however me and dp earn within a few grand of each other and everything child/house wise is split pretty easily, so if we divorced i dont think either of us would be bitter about losing out!

Flamingo- would you feel the same way if the financial position was disproportionate? Either way?

I think I would feel uncomfortable if I was financially dependent on someone. I wouldn’t like it. I was fine mainly with paying for stuff till it all broke down. Now I’m sick of all the moaning from ex as to why he hasn’t got money (he pays not a penny of child maintenance).

Surely the issue is the higher earner in this case is also the main carer.

So why should they work and provide for the children AND keep a spouse?

If the lower earner has given up their career to raise children and continues in that capacity then that's different surely?

He is neither working to provide or take care of the kids - it's all on OPs shoulders

So why should they work and provide for the children AND keep a spouse

Hes not being kept! Hes still earning maybe not as much as op.

My friends and I discussed this 20 years ago and read up, eg Which? did guides on cohabiting and marriage. We were lucky, probably clued up by our families, teachers and peers.

The information has always been fairly easily available. But people choose to focus on romance over legalities - don’t like to think about relationships in a “mercenary” way, perhaps?

friends who were the higher earners / had financial assets did not marry men they had DC with. One had a cocklodger DP and, realising after having DC, used childcare she couldn’t easily afford short term, despite his working hours meaning he could’ve looked after the DC, because she didn’t want him to be the primary carer.

I got married: DH had higher earnings 😀Except in exceptional circumstances, eg illness or DC having additional needs, I would never agree to be sole earner, nor a SAHP, and nor would DH.

Greenberet you’re being incredibly defeatist and making excuses. Millions of people in the UK have depression and work, including me. I’ve had it since childhood, will be on antidepressants for my entire life, have attempted suicide before, and yes I’d sleep during the day every day if I could. I wake up every day and feel actual terror at having to get up and face the world and I’d like nothing more than to stay in bed. But I don’t. Because it isn’t anyone else’s responsibility to fund my upkeep. So I go to work and get on with it and take short amounts of time off here and there if I need to. There is nothing remotely unreasonable about the divorce lawyer expecting you to get a job, two years is incredibly lenient IMO.

I know it’s taboo to say on here but whoever said the view that a SAHP’s contribution is equal to a financial one is 1950s utopian crap is right. It is not equal. Of course they’d have the same earning power if the SAHP worked - only their financial burden of keeping another adult would be eased. The extra salary could fund childcare/a nanny etc.

It’s ideologically and morally wrong to encourage financial dependency. It is detrimental to both parties, it’s economically, socially and personally unproductive and it’s a patriarchal stereotype

I was trying to show some understanding of your situation op even though my situation is completely different to yours but seems I wasted my breath.

Zsazs I said I had to sleep DURING the day not ALL day

Good luck ladies you obviously have it all sorted!

@johnnyfinland totally agree. I have a housekeeper now (dcs at school) who I pay fairly. On these sort of marriage threads many sahp claim that their dh couldn’t work without them and that they contribute half financially and thus deserve half the assets of a high earning spouse. It’s totally crap. People who earn high salaries are usually doing something highly skilled or novel. Ofc being a parent is important but we are all parents if we work or not. many of the extra tasks undertaken by a sahp are just mundane stuff that no one would pay you a premium for. People who do laundry or cleaning get minimum wage generally or a little more. Not half an investment bankers salary.

I agree that we should stop having the model that women don’t achieve in their careers and men don’t pulll their weight at home. It’s sexist and perpetuates inequality.. Ofc it would not work for some women and men. Because some women would simply be unable to earn the sort of money they would consider to be their due. And because some men (and women) would not be able to balance childcare with work.

Good for you Johnny I was lucky I had a DH that was happy for me to be at home 20 years! Nobody was funding my upkeep! personally I don’t see the point of having kids and then paying someone else to look after them but it seems I must be some sort of weirdo for having this view on here!

Who says it is ideologically and morally wrong - the state - surely you don’t believe the crap they spout - but you keep on believing it because the more that do the easier their job!

No wonder there is so much young adult mental health issues these days!

@greenberet I think though you are what op was talking about- a spouse who doesn’t pull their weight financially. Except you thought your situation was a sob story about how your ex doesn’t pay you enough to comfortably afford private school fees and live where you like.

I’m not trying to get at you - your life must have changed a lot recently. I’m sure it’s hard for you as it was for ops ex. But from the other side as the one who is paying and taking responsibility it’s even harder.

I wish you well.

@greenberet nobody was funding your upkeep? Did you have a trust fund or win the lottery? Otherwise, I’ve yet to find a way of living in on air. So I imagine your husband with his limited company was funding you.

I have, and am still, most definitely raising my own children myself. However, I don’t I need to sit at home snoozing while they are at school in order to be a “better” parent! The washing machine seems to function quite well without full-time stay-at-home supervision!

@johnnyfinland yes, either the country has been stripped of all its brain surgeons and FTSE 100 directors because they have instead chosen to stay home and do potato printing or the argument that SAHPs are somehow earning half their partner’s wage is bogus. I think you’ve nailed it!

Zsazsjuju - you are hilarious a housekeeper get you? Obviously you can’t do it all either that’s why you pay someone to do the mundane stuff - you presume that those of us who choose to be a SAHP are what unskilled - the equivalent of minimum wage.

Maybe we just don’t have an ego that needs to be bolstered by £ & p and accept that no matter what men and women can never be equal - and that you are striving for something that will never be achieved. Fulfilment comes in many ways not just by how far you have progressed in your career!

I earned more than my XP. I also did lions share of "wife work", child raising etc.

Thankfully I never wanted to get married and I didn't marry. Made things much easier when I ended the relationship.

@greenberet Blessed be the fruit.

@greenberet the point of having children and paying someone to look after them is to earn your keep. No one needs to be around all the time especially when kids are at school (and very young kids don’t remember if you’re there or not, mine don’t remember their nanny who was with them till 3 years old). What benefit are you giving your children by being at home while they’re at school? I think you’re now trying to bash working parents simply because we pointed out you were being kept.

You (or rather your ex h) pays for your kids to go to private school. You don’t seem to object to that. Or is there a point to that?

Do you really think you were lucky to have a husband who let you not work for 20 years? Wouldn’t you have been better off (particularly given your comments up thread about how you didn’t get the financial settlement you wanted) if you had worked and carved out a career for yourself?

Greenberet the state clearly does not think that or we’d have all the things that could facilitate true equality like flexible working for men and women, free childcare and divorce law that splits assets according to who paid for them. I think it’s morally and ideologically wrong because it holds women back. There is no theoretical reason that both parents can’t reduce their working hours in the first years of a child’s life so they can BOTH be around to raise their child equally around work. But this doesn’t happen because there are no official policies in place to support it. More often than not it’s women justifying their decision to sacrifice their career and theirs alone, because they’re brainwashed by... guess who... the state!

@zsazsajuju a housekeeper’s an excellent idea. They do all the work needed very efficiently for an agreed sum, don’t drink themselves silly or leave their dirty underpants for you to pick up and certainly don’t have open-ended access to your bank account!

@greenberet - what are you talking about? An ego that needs to be bolstered by £s? I am a single parent who gets no financial support from anyone. I need to work so I and my family can be housed, fed and so on. Re men and women not being equal? Eh? I am certainly the “equal” and indeed senior to many men in my profession. Your attitude is quite sad - I hope you don’t pass it on to your children.

I appreciate my housekeeper but the things she does are not highly skilled and don’t attract a high wage. I pay her fairly but I’m not giving her half my assets or salary.

my ex doesn’t pay me enough to afford private school fees - for some claiming to be educated you miss the point - the private school was for the benefit of the kids not me but yes in hindsight I should have just told my Ds to stop throwing a hissy fit with all this talk of suicide and just suck it up!

I’m not trying to get at you - yes you are your choice of words gives you away

Paying and taking responsibility? - you assume again this is my x - he’s not paying and he’s not taking responsibility he’s pissing around pretending he is - you want to try doing it the other way round if you think you have it hard - you have no bloody idea!

Notbeingrobbed - it was OUR limited company - not that I have to explain myself to you

Some nasty stuff on here ladies but keep feeding your ego because it seems this is what you live off!

Lol @notbeingrobbed. She doesn’t drink me out of house and home either. Or make me watch skysports on a loop.

@greenberet - earlier you said you paid the fees out of the money he gave you for housing. Did you or didn’t you pay the fees from money your ex gave you? Also what’s all this talk now of suicide? This is new.

It was your limited company too, but you said you didn’t work for 20years. Sorry, this doesn’t all add up.

I’m not sure what you mean when you say I should try “doing it the other way round.” I do take care of my kids and financially provide for them.

It’s you who is trying to shame me for working and having a housekeeper. I do what I have to do to support my family. You can’t expect us not to react to your men and women aren’t equal comment. That would be too much.

You take a vow when you get married - "For richer for poorer". That doesn't state as long as the higher earner is a man...If you don't want to shoulder the marital responsibility, don't take the vows and enter into a legally binding marital contract. It's not rocket science.

If you choose to work that’s up to you I really don’t give a shit. If you feel that a SAHP is “being kept” then this says more about you than any justification you can give on here.

if you had read my previous posts you will have learnt that despite my circumstances now I would have made exactly the same choices I made and that is choosing to put my kids over and above any career!

I find your attitude quite sad because your whole justification for life is what earning equivalent or more than a man - this makes you what better than a man? And as for your housekeeper do you really appreciate her or do you just pay her?

Yes your not giving her half your assets or salary but where do you get your love from?