Marriage is an evil institution

[Notbeingrobbed]

Am I the only one who utterly regrets making the decision to marry?

It is a human need to form a relationship and settle down but the entire legal side of this seems wrong to me.

Nothing I have ever earned is mine alone. Now I am separated I still have to account to him for how I choose to spend my money.

Being married trapped me in a situation where I should have stood up to him earlier.

The worst thing I ever said was “I do”. If I had my time again I’d say a loud I DON’T.

Who wants to live in an institution, anyway?

Wow. That’s deep.

It’s a relic of the past where women were men’s possessions. We are all still raised to believe it’s a happy ending. So we are tricked into a bad arrangement. It’s the biggest trap out there for women.

Totally disagree.

I enter a marriage with substantially more assets than my OH (who has been married before and came out of the marriage with significantly less).

My OH has signed a pre-nup to protect my assets coming into the marriage, but any accumulated during (and I earn significantly more) could if we were to divorce become 50% his. It works both ways.

And why now you are separated are you justifiying your spend? I’d stop that.

I have a prenup.

Pre-nups were in their infancy when I married and had not been proved.

NorthernSpirit you are brave but what’s in it for you, really? How does it work both ways? I was the higher earner and I feel I’ve done more than half of everything. I would never enter this arrangement again.

I’m pretty independent at heart, so maybe marriage wasn’t for me, but I’d be happy to earn or lose my own fortune and not to expect a share of anyone else’s success or DEBTS, more to the point!

I agree!!Just ended my marriage this morning and he said no! I can’t afford to leave yet

Notbeingrobbed.... all the reasons you give are the ones both my SONS use for not getting married. They say that women (particularly with children) get a far better deal than a married man. One son has lived with3 different women, had 2 children with the 2nd woman only (she was and is a nightmare and fleeces him still, although she works, claims some help, AND lives with a working man but doesn't declare him or his wage to authorities).

All of the women he has lived with has kept the house and furniture. He's back living with me, whilst he saved to get a place ALONE.

Son no. 2 fared better but has no children. He has now got a mortgage, car, good job and freedom.

I think the problem is not marriage - it is divorce.

Divorce should be free and there should be no need to wait for such a long period before a divorce can be gained, or to prove adultery etc. It should be maximum a few months and not so expensive.

There is very little benefits to marriage anymore. Knowing what I know now, I would have never married my ExW. I agree that it's a prison sentence. As a man you can get everything marriage is supposed to give you (ie love, companionship, children etc..) in a non married relationship without signing more than half your wealth away if it goes wrong. I see absolutely zero reason when anyone would want to get married today. All the couples I know seem to become miserable after marriage, like it's this huge event then suddenly there comes the anti-climax and they become complacent about each other. More that 50% end in divorce so why would you take the risk? I always here proponents of marriage say that some people are happy... Some people can fall out of a 16 story building a survive...doesn't mean we should all give it a try. The whole institution is antiquated and the divorce speed should be as the OP suggested...months not yrs and cost a lot less. I mean why in the hell if both parties can agree terms between themselves and come to an arrangement that they both agree upon (with some level of legal checking) can they not just dissolve it? You can back out of any other sort of legal contract by agreement....but not marriage because the state is involved in your personal life. It's just plain stupid. I will be urging my sons NEVER to even consider marriage and save themselves a lot of time, heartache and money. Just live with who you want to by your own terms and enjoy life.

I agree. I wish I'd never married my ex, and I'm sure as hell I won't be doing it ever again

My advice to anyone with money or assists is not to marry even a pre-nap is not 100% binding ylif come divorce if the only assists or the majority's of assists are covered by it but its not been a short marriage the judge will set it aside as they will not let 1 party walk away with nothing.

One of my ex friends tried this route got a pre nup covering alk her sizeable assists retired from work married moved husband in she cheated on him after 9 years.

She wanted to keep the 4 million in her propities in tact as from tje pre nup and wanted 70% of family home + 50% of his modest pension (she didnt have one as her income all came from rent generatored from her sizeable portfolio.

But said 50% of his mimium assists rightfully belong to her while 0% of her massive ones belonged to him.

So basically she would walk away with 4.5 million of assists him with about 150k 120k was pension so not exessable to him.

They were together for 14 years and judge rightfully set it aside she had to sign over 1.4 million worth of her house empire as otherwise would not of been a fair split.

Interesting replies. I can honestly see no benefit, just a lot of harm. In the past it mattered to people to be “respectable” but that was just society’s pressure.

I am telling my son and daughter to never marry. This is sad because I don’t want them to miss out on the chance of a successful long term relationship. But the price to pay if you split is too high.

I hate the fact that divorce is so difficult and deliberately made so painful because it suits the church and the authorities to make it as hard as possible.

It is the least just system I have ever encountered.

Not all marriages are like you describe.

Yes but over 50% statistically are! Not good odds really is it? Half of all couples get divorced, then you consider those that are left, some will stay together 'for the children', some because they're scared to be alone, cannot afford to divorce, for religious beliefs or because they're too old to start over again.... leaving a small% you could actually describe as happy. Call me jaded but I'm not about to sign away my life's work and financial future on the flip of a coin.

I've known guys that have been so destroyed by divorce that they literally attempted suicide. They lost their homes, possessions, money, pensions, access to thier children and ended up in a bedsit after 40yrs of hard work. Why the hell would anyone risk marriage knowing that you can end up like that?

Marriage affords me more protection as a SAHM, knowing that I am putting in more time and effort raising the children, which will benefit the children and hence us both, on into the future. (whether or not we split)
DH is putting more effort into financially supporting us which will also benefit us both into the future. (as we are married, this will still benefit me if we split)

Yes marriage usually protects the lower earner more and benefits women who have maternity leVe, work part time to do child pickups, termntime to cover holidays, take extra leAve for emergencies, do the mental load. This is more usual than men having those salary reductions

In general it protects the lower earner and the higher earner loses out. I’ve been divorced and was the higher earner but not by much, and it didn’t bother me that things were split 5050. I was more bothered by legal costs, which are much higher the more you fight for stuff - not worth it IMO .

The law is designed to protect SAHMs. But how many of us can either afford or want to be the old-style full-time housewife? It wouldn’t have been for me and there was no way I could have afforded it either.

The law does not recognise the much greater financial contribution of the working wife. I’ve worked both full time and part time at different stages and my financial contribution was ALWAYS greater.

I juggled anti-social hours and burned the candle at both ends for two decades. My STBEXH had an easier life, earned less and acted more like the third child. I made all major decisions and arrangements for the kids - from clothing to school choices, dental appointments, doctors, hairdressers, parents’ meetings, you name it. I was the primary parent, he always regarded it ultimately as my responsibility while he was just sitting with them - literally.

Yes, I allowed that situation to continue. But once you have the kids, are married, realise your family’s financial future depends on your toils much more than his and it dawns on you that he isn’t ever going to pull his finger out and do more...then what do you do? Tear your family apart, become a nag and find that fruitless too or leave?? I put up with it and worked my socks off until he did something that destroyed the relationship for ever.

Now the law says our contribution is equal. He delights in saying it’s “equality” as he tries to rip me off for my lifetime of working. The law is not interested in who did what or even why we split. Not at all.

Yet women still suffer a gender pay gap and have to overcome greater hurdles to succeed in many industries. Certainly in my industry. There is no equality, except when it comes to the joke that is divorce law.

So I’d argue my contribution is much much greater in terms of both pay packet and child rearing. My children are behind me and see it too. It was far harder for me to succeed as a working woman.

Yet the law belittles me. My name is on my pay packet and bank account but that is irrelevant. Because of that ceremony two decades ago this man can effectively steal from me AND the children.

Why do I want to hold on to the fruits of my life’s work? For them. To help them and protect them to my dying day - whether they are under 18 or over 40. They will always be my No1 priority.

I’m happy to let my STBEXH have what he put in. But no more. He doesn’t pay child support. He barely sees one child and the other will not see him at all.

I am their rock and I want to protect them. Yet the law is blind to that.

So if you want and can afford to be a SAHM then go ahead and marry. Pin all your hopes on your other half. Make sure he knows what he’s signing up for. But if you want a career and kids too - stay single!!! Other women must be warned.

Not being robbed** you are so right.
Am now in this situation. My stbeh is the third child..takes no responsibility. Earns less than a quarter what I do. . I run the whole show and have done for 9 years its made me sick. He will literally stand there every morning asking for money for the day .. like a kid.
I wouldn't ever have said I do had i known all this. It's a trap. It's shit!

You sound quite bitter to me. Sounds like you made the wrong choice of husband and/ or settled for things you weren’t happy with along the way. I wasn’t , as you say , raised to believe it was a happy ending and I certainly don’t feel tricked. I’m married and have a career and kids and don’t feel I need to be warned at all. Unfortunately your marriage didn’t work out but plenty of them do. So in answer to your original question - no you are not the only one who regrets their desicion to marry, lots of people make wrong choices in their lives , but not everyone. Some of us get it right.

I see no reason to get married, it's an archaic institution and full of misogynist tradition. The virgin white bride, passing the wife from father to husband as a possession, giving up her name. Been with my partner 20 years, see no reason to sign contracts to prove something to each other or anyone else.

LadyFlangeWidget thank you for proving I am not the only person in this situation!!

My STBEXH did have his own job. But not just the child rearing but most responsible decisions were left to me. I wasn’t a control freak - just the one who would actually open a letter from the taxman or whoever and deal with it!!

Now he is meaning that I am no longer funding him in his bedsit. He does have a salary! Once we have a settlement he will walk away with more than his fair share and will own a flat outright where he can play computer games all day while I continute to support and raise my kids.

It breaks my heart to think my lovely mum and dad cheered us on our way into this hideous arrangement. They were the lucky few in a happy marriage. Sadly I didn’t do as well as them.

Plum100 - what’s wrong with being bitter if the law is unjust. How did anyone fight an injustice without feeling pretty miffed.

So you picked a good guy? Smug much?? Wait till he walks.

Yanbu

I don’t think the law is unjust- split on divorce start at 50/50 unless you can persuade the court otherwise. Most people know that before they get married.

That’s exactly why I didn’t marry my ex - because there was a huge disparity of assets and earnings in my favour. So I suppose I kind of agree- marriage works for the financially weaker party only.