Marriage is an evil institution

[Notbeingrobbed]

Am I the only one who utterly regrets making the decision to marry?

It is a human need to form a relationship and settle down but the entire legal side of this seems wrong to me.

Nothing I have ever earned is mine alone. Now I am separated I still have to account to him for how I choose to spend my money.

Being married trapped me in a situation where I should have stood up to him earlier.

The worst thing I ever said was “I do”. If I had my time again I’d say a loud I DON’T.

Who wants to live in an institution, anyway?

Oh Op, I feel your pain and you are right but what’s Unfair is that society thinks women should run the house raise the kids, be grateful if they have a job and say “well you wanted equality” when something goes wrong. I swore I wouldn’t marry until I found a man who would be my equal partner, and so I am single. And life is good.
Don’t let them make you bitter. Enjoy every second of your freedom.

Yet another thread, showing that too many people stil, do not understand the legal side of marriage.

I would really like to see the legal status of marriage (and the differences to cohabitation) as a routine topic in SRE is schools. So that people can decide, on a much better informed basis, what is right for them; rather than just falling in to it.

Why do people just “fall into it”? Because we always have from time immemorial. Our parents, grandparents, great grandparents yadda yadda yadda back to the first ever marriages got together and tied the knot. Birds do it, bees do it etc. We want to be in a partnership and marriage is what we’ve done.

But we didn’t live as long in the past. Women died in childbirth and they in theory didn’t work - though most working class women did!

What’s changed is that now we have professions of our own while juggling the kids too. And many men sit back and leave all the domestic stuff to us still.

The law has not caught up. It has a skewed idea of equality to protect the stay at home mum. But how many mums stay at home at all times now? I wouldn’t have wanted to even if I could have relied on my ex 100%.

50:50 isn’t fair if what you’ve put in is 70:30.

You do sound bitter. Marriage isn't a party, or a big day, a white dress or a nice holiday after. It is a legal contract to share assets and wealth with your spouse. And that's what you have to do when you split.

When I divorced ExH, he spent the whole of his settlement on a holiday in Florida. Tens of thousands of pounds. I laughed at him and picked myself up. Ten years down the line and I've rebuild my life and assets and he's got nothing as he squandered his lot.

Yes, my bitterness is the bitterness of the unjustly treated. I will also rebuild but I won’t stop fighting an injustice.

I'm not so sure. I think too many people get married without being absolutely sure this is what they want for the rest of their life. And when it fails, they heap the blame on to the other party.

I was married, XH left me with 2 DCs under 3. I was a SAHM, no income, no family, lots of debt. He didn't want the house so I still had that but it was in negative equity and I had absolutely no means to pay the mortgage. He did then agree to pay maintenance but it didn't even cover the costs of a childminder . I swore I'd never be dependent again and would never remarry.

I think the law is unjust. I earned more than he did when I had DC1. We agreed I'd take 5 years out to let him build up his career with a global company (we had to relocate) and then he would support me getting back on the career ladder. We split before the CSA existed and maintenance payments were around 6% of his salary. His career continued to soar yet I'd still hear from the DCs that their SM complained I "took all their money." Reading on here, the CSA hasn't really helped. Women are still left funding the DCs homes with a fraction of the income they had previously, as the XH sees little change in lifestyle, and often has preferred DCs with the new women.

15 years later, in my 50s, I married again. I was older, wiser, richer. I love having someone there who will support me unconditionally, makes me laugh and just really cares. I'm sure we won't, but if we were to split, I wouldn't notice financially. I'd miss him, but I know I can have a good life on my own.

Marriage isn't evil. What's evil is how we assume it's the only way to live. What's evil is how we've turned weddings into huge pantomime productions that overshadow the commitment of a marriage. What's evil is the patriarchal society where women are expected to replace lost income in a world where their contribution is so devalued.

I am the higher earner in my marriage and work longer hours (not through choice) and agree it does worry me that if we split, DH might well get main custody, the house and all the money I've worked for while he has been able to enjoy a more relaxed work life and time with the children.
However @OllyBJolly summarises really well why marriage can be necessary for some and we do need protection for the financially weaker partner - there are many people (usually women) who would be left absolutely stuck without the protection of marriage. You see many women come on here in panic because they and their (unmarried) partner decided jointly or even with pressure from him that she would take a backseat or stay at home, but now he's off, everything is in his name and she's unable to get a job that would pay for a studio flat. That's bad for the children as well as the woman, and encourages bad behaviour by the better off spouse too.

But @OllyBJolly has just explained the law didn’t protect her and her ex moaned about supporting his kids!

I've never given it much thought, but I think you're right in what you are saying, only because things have changed in recent years.
Woman weren't able to get a mortgage on her own, houses could be brought on one salary, woman were expected to stay home and look after the house her husband and any children, This was my mothers generation.
Now woman are expected (and want to) work, bring home a salary and yet still deal with the kids and keep house and pay bills, while in essence the poor man lies on the sofa watching sport and complains of the kids aren't in bed yet.

They men are screaming for 50:50 chaildcare in a split but it's not 50:50 when at home. They don't 'do' 50% of the housework and yet still want 50% profit

The law does need to catch up, your right, and see both the financial and input from both parties.

We all have work colleagues who do naff all, and it infuriating, yet we are expected this to be the norm at home.

I'm sorry things are so difficult. My Mom shares your feelings completely.
I got married very young worse mistake ever. I still regret it 33 years down the line.
Then I married again 29 years ago and we've so happy together.
Honestly if you feel that strongly and you are able to get out. Get out. There is much more to life than a bad marriage.

Love all this and agree with all your saying Notbeingrobbed..
We should have relationship education as young humans rather than being socially programmed/conditioned throughout our whole lives that marriage is some ideal to be attained.

Such an infuriating thread! Marriage isn't about a bloody wedding and (hopefully) no one forced you into it!

I'm sorry it didn't work for you OP. It sounds like you had a shitty partner and you're entitled to be angry with him. I've had one of them- we weren't married and I'm still fucking angry! I'm now married, and the legal protection it affords me has allowed me to cut my hours at work to allow me more time with my three DC. I'm back at work now but never would even have had the kids without the legal protection of marriage.

I get it didn't work for you but I would never share anything without it.

I think the answer is to marry someone who has similar warning potential. The women on here who moan about being stung financially through marriage are the women who have married lazy arseholes who have no intention of working hard. The reverse situation is by and large a mutual decision for the women tk stay and home to look after the children and they are rightly then protected through marriage. Problem is the law doesn't account for the first situation where the man has just been a lazy knob. Answer is to pick a better husband or don't give up your career.

*earning

I don't think the law is unjust.
You do indeed sound very bitter - you made a very very poor choice of husband. You yourself said he was like a 3rd child.
Plus you put up with loads of nonsense for years. Why?

Don't attack other posted fir being smug, just because their husband doesn't have your husbands worst traits.

I'm not the very higher earner, admittedly. Nor is Dh particularly. I've always worked part time.

And my Dh was a good choice. Even if he cheated on me tomorrow, as a choice, back then : husband, father, etc, he was good.

Why didn't you get your things in order then? Years ago? Buy your own separate houses to rent etc, with your 70:30?

I understand in some situations people do badly in divorce but, in practical terms, how would things have been different if you weren't married? Unless you amassed significant assets (outside of the family home) that you are being asked to share or are being asked to pay spousal maintenance what would have been different?

breaking up with someone unreasonable will always be difficult because they are, you know, unreasonable.

Agree with pp: in your divorce settlement, Would he have got allocated less, less split, 80:20? if you hadn't have been married?