I'm the other woman

[JW1226]

Hi all,

My children's father has been living a double life and I'm the other woman.

I have a girl from a previous relationship but he has treated her as his own, a one year old and a baby due next month we have been together for almost three years.
I've recently found out that the love of my life has been in a relationship with another woman for 7 years and they have got married a few weeks ago.
I am In shock. I can't believe it. Why her and not me I don't understand! Also They don't have children. But I guess I'm the other woman this kills me.
He's been trying to worm his way back in however I think he's still with his wife, she's also aware of the double life she said she was getting a divorce but they both went on holiday for a week together. He has seen our children today and was trying to kiss n cuddle me I'm so so confused. It's a horrible situation I just don't understand. I can't trust a soul.

[RedSquirrelMoonlight]

Oh my, hugs for you. Have you a therapists or close family / friends for support??

[MinorRSole]

Oh how awful for you, I can't imagine the feelings you are experiencing right now. Shock, denial, anger - it's a total deception. What an arsehole to not only do that but create children in that situation when he knew what he was doing. I don't know what's wrong with him but I do know it's not you! I would give yourself space and time, only communicate with him about the children and do not entertain any other talk from him whatsoever. Not all man are like this op and however much it hurts right now it will get better

[JW1226]

Thankyou ladies,

I'm utterly heartbroken and I have my good days however the bad are overwhelming and I find myself crying out of no where I do feel I have put some sort of mental block on this rather than let it all out.

I'm 24, now a single mother of two almost three babies really didn't think this would be my life.

After I had my 1st child I got very unwell as her "father" didn't want to know in the end and it took until she was three years old to accept and get out of depression. I swore I never wanted anymore children as I was so so lost and only 18 at the time. I wouldn't change her for the world! Then I found the "love of my life" I felt alive like a new me and I trusted this man with my mind body and soul so we planned our son and it was the best feeling in the world, we then wanted another I'm now 34 weeks pregnant and find myself scared, confused and damaged from this. My babies are giving me the strength I need and I need them just as much as they need me. I wasn't born to fail and I didn't have these babies to fail them either so I won't I just need to let this all out and I find writing communicating helps a lot.
Thankyou for listening x

[MinorRSole]

How are you feeling today?

[JW1226]

@MinorRSole my apologies for the late reply still working out how to use this properly.

I am doing okay Thankyou I am totally exhausted and now 35weeks into my pregnancy, my daughter turns 6 on the fourth so she's excited for that and my son 1 has had me up all night. Had a call from the midwife that I am anemic so I need to collect some medicine on Monday. I have managed to get my hospital bag sorted, I've also sorted out my finances however still residing at my Nans I'm on the sofa and my son in the travel cot luckily my girl had a bed to sleep in and snuggles up with nanny.

I'm confused with my feelings I feel I love him I don't hate him maybe I'm trying to hold onto something I'm not sure. I did have a little cry yesterday then thought no stop it how's that going to help me. I feel I'm bottling my emotions up and try not to think about it. Xxx

[Bellabutterfly2016]

Morning op; I couldn't read and run.
I was pleased to hear it sounds like you have a lovely Nanna looking after you all. You sound like you're doing all you can and you'll get thru this; it's awful right now but I'm a great believer than in time, stuff like this makes you stronger.

I would also strongly recommend you don't take that lowlife back, he's proved you can't trust him and he won't change, they never do unfortunately.

Don't be afraid to ask your midwife/ health visitor for any help, financial or otherwise that you may need 💐

[lifebegins50]

Oh I am so sorry.

You will have a roller coaster of emotions.
Focus on the birth and your health. It will take some time to stop having feelings for him, your mind will to process what he has done.
Does he contribute financially? Do you have your own home?

[JW1226]

Thankyou Bella xxx

[JW1226]

@lifebegins50 I'm scared of the birth he's asked if he can be with me during labour and birth, in my head I had it all planned me him and that's was all, If he isn't there I would like to be on my own, I'm worried that after birth I may not bond with the baby I know it's horrible to say but it's from my first experience with my daughter I developed PND and psychosis I was very young, I now have a mental health disorder called Cyclothymia so I feel that had a big play on my emotions and the way I think. He has bought the baby items and also brang a tv to my Nans for us as my landlord stole my valuables , what had happened is I came to my Nans for a break by the time I went back the locks were changed and she had illegally evicted me so I have that to deal with also. X

[icannotthinkofauser]

Sorry you're having a such a horrid time. Have you two split up now then?

[Singlenotsingle]

What about his parents? Have they got a relationship with your DC? Do they know what's happened? I think you need to speak to them and see if they've got any plans to continue seeing their dgc!

[JW1226]

Where do I start well I thought his dad was dead but he's not, and his mum is a fruit loop and attended their wedding.

So never had contact with my son, he says he's single but he's married her so he's married I'm the other woman but he says he loves me. Xx

[JW1226]

P.S I never knew he had a fiancé he fooled her just as much as me wanted his cake and eat it type thing mega double life!

[Singlenotsingle]

Unbelievable! Does he realise he can't have 2 women? But do take all the help he's offering! He owes it to you! Money, child maintenance, maybe he can help with accommodation? And obviously your DC need a dad!

[JW1226]

And I always thought why would he choose to have a family with me maybe he did love me I always see those silly quotes "if you are in love with two people you can't have loved the 1st as you'd never fall for the second woman" they don't have children so part of me feels why do I keep feeling like What we had didn't mean anything. She put a WhatsApp status up saying "Do stupid people actually come to a point in their life when they realise they are stupid" might not be directed at me however it was after I put up my 35weeks pregnancy milestone.

My weird head thinks she's in on it I don't know it's all a mess, she said she threw him out but then put up holiday pictures and said she'd been away with him, he denies this but I have a feeling they went on a honeymoon and I don't want to be in competition with any woman over a man however as we have children I feel I have just a connection with him than she does yet she seems to think I shouldn't contact him and said she doesn't want him xx

[JW1226]

We was talking yesterday and I started to cry on the phone he said "should I kill myself" I said that will break more than one heart. I think he feels guilty however wanted to see my reaction he seems to think I'm his for life now we have children

[Singlenotsingle]

He needs to leave her then, and divorce her, and be a proper dad to the DC ( before she gets pregnant too!). Tell her you will have to contact him a lot, as you have DC together

[JW1226]

He had said yesterday the least he could do is provide for his children, be there for them and get a roof over their heads as he knows mine and the DC living arrangements atm are not the most practical although I'm very grateful my Nan has let us stay here.

Some family members have said they'd never talk to me again if I let him back in my life this saddens me as I'm doing the right thing in my eyes by keeping the communication on going for the children's sake, we are both focusing on them and moving forward.

Although I'm heartbroken my children don't have to be they are young and won't remember this situation (hopefully), I do not hate him and have chosen to forgive him so that we can both be good parents we both come from disruptive homes and childhoods so we do not want that for our little ones.

I love him I'd be lying if I said I didn't and it's unlikely you can break a broken heart I don't know weather when we sort a home out to let him stay I don't know if he wants to be a family, I don't know if he even wants to live with us in my view it comes across he wants to be a family again I just don't know perhaps everything is still raw and I'm confused but I know he does love his children and that's most important right now he tells me he loves me everyday but is that in fear of me stopping contact I'm not sure.

Perhaps I should ask him his plans ?

I'm 24 he's well I thought was 38 but he's "wife" said he's 44 not that it matters now because the children are here already.
So as a 24year old who's never felt love not even from her mum he had been the best thing that happened to me been a great step dad to my daughter and always been there for the kids I can't see life without him I need him more so I want him he's all I think about I can't sleep he can't sleep but then I think he's probably living with her xxx

Sorry xx

[Singlenotsingle]

So why on earth did he marry someone else?

[icannotthinkofauser]

So she knows about you? And still got married and went on holiday with him?!?

[icannotthinkofauser]

So he's lied about his age, pretended his own father was dad and has secretly got married and you're happy to forgive him and have him living with you still? I think you need time to process this before making a rash decision but i would not let him in my life. Let him see the children and that's that, I don't understand why you'd still want to have him in your life

[Dani18]

Im soo sorry this has happened to you. I was with my ex partner for almost 5 years and found out he had been having an affair for two of them. There were no children but it broke my heart. We managed to remain civil to separate the house and belongings etc but the trust was gone so the relationship could never work.
I know it feels like the end of the world right now but you can get through this. Lean on your friends and family, focus on your beautiful children and bump. Some space from him to grieve your relationship and begin to heal might be best. Then decide if it would even be helpful to be with him when you are in labour or would it hurt you more in your time of need. X

[icannotthinkofauser]

How did he manage to live a double life? Was he living with you? Or living with her? Did she know all along about you?

[JW1226]

We both didn't know of one another, he's always been a busy man working, from what I gather she thought he worked nights , she also has a good social life friends and worked full time so was busy she did say he'd been gone a lot more but thought he was working longer hours because of the wedding, I however don't have a social life as such and was home being mum , he also started to be gone more and I thought he was working harder due to the baby , yes he lived with me however I guess he left early in the mornings to go to hers until she left for work then he went to work.
I had some suspicions however put it down to my hormones and mental health.
Why would I want him back? Because I long for a family I'm 24 , soon with 3 children under the age of six and I love him. Maybe because I'm here (at my Nans) I'm lonely and just trying to hold onto my dream of having a family I don't know. I also believe people make mistakes and deserve a second chance. I do forgive him because it's better than hating him , we can be civil and even though I'm heartbroken and will never want another man in my life I won't use my children as a weapon to hurt him. To me two wrongs can't make a right. I know he loves he's children I know he has love for me I'm not one to give up however I know deep down things will never be the same that's the hard truth I don't want to think about right now. He's been with her for six years I've been with him for almost 3 , they've been many places together however I have things money can't buy.
I know it's easier to block it out and pretend nothings happened I just don't know if I can let go so easily to someone who made me feel soso alive he's the only person who's ever made me feel loved the only person who's believed in me , he has made me a better person since being with him and taught me many life lessons I suppose this has been the biggest but still I thank him for being a good dad to my daughter taking care of her when her own bio dad didn't want to know . Maybe I'm stupid I love hard and can't turn my feelings off even though he's hurt me I care about him xx

[JW1226]

@icannotthinkofauser I got in contact with her after I received a Congractulations card in the post at my home address it had her name on it one that I've seen before on a letter, I thought it was his half sister but had never met her so when I got that surprise I done some digging on Facebook... this was three days after the wedding. She came to my house we spoke about it and it was confirmed he was living a double life.
I'm not sure if they went away but every time I put a pregnancy update on my phone she puts up holiday photos but not with any of him in them just random ones of the beach ,
I dunno it's silly maybe he's still with her. X