What should I do now?? Please help

[Marriedsingle2018]

So after crying for nearly 3 night now I finally am seeking some help- your help to understand if I am overreacting and what should I expect now

Been married 6 years, 2 year dc who is very sensitive and needs mummy all the time.

H has been very very distant for last 2 year more so last few months. Works long hours and I mostly manage Dc on my own and work full time.

So he told me 3 days back our relationship doesn’t seem to work ( after long spells of no talking/cold shoulder etc). I asked abt OW and answer was no but then said- well that’s different. It’s one sided anyhow. I broke at that moment but continued discussion as I wanted answers. And he said will give us few months to see what we do - 80-20 chance of staying together or separation.

I never saw it coming!! What a fool I am!
Day 2 nothing much, casual talk as if nthng happened but cold treatment.
Yesterday I asked him to tell me honestly and after a lot of coercion he said he think he loves a girl who works with him (married).

But insisted it’s nothing to do with her n how he felt unloved blah blah kind of everything is my fault that I was rude,don’t treat him well etc

He is most of the time at work m this women basically sat next to him!

I don’t understand how this could happen !!

I feel cheated and lied to and made the bad guy! Am I wrong?? I hv no one to talk to!

He said he wants to give our relationship a chance but how will that work with him being with that girl day in day out!

I am scared of what’s to follow and what this could do to DC!

Any experiences / suggestions to help me through this? Is there any hope for us??

Sorry to hear. Sounds very difficult. Maybe try counselling? Sounds like it'll be very hard to both make changes unless you get an external perspective and assistance.

I hope you find the strength to tell him to go. He shouldn’t get to choose after this. The most unfair thing, which seems to happen over and over when men fall for another woman, is that they search for a reason outside themselves - and find one by critiquing their own loving wife - for their bad behaviour. He is being horribly unfair. I do feel for you.

Thank you SpringLake for responding! He is not willing to talk to anyone!
Wasn’t even planning to tell me abt OW but it was soo obvious. What I don’t know is if he really wants to give it a try or if he is just taking time to decide when to separate in his mind! I guess only time will tell
But I feel so broken

I must say I not don’t trust anything fully that he says but he said he isn’t sure if it’s crush or more than that and that the ow doesn’t know nything( she has been there only 2 months)

I don’t know if I should take his word and try! What I find hard is how can he change anything when he is around that women all the time ( even if she doesn’t know)
I guess I am
Just blabbering but I need to get it out and wipe my tears before DC wakes up :(

You are giving him all the power and control here. Don't give him his time. Don't do the pick me dance - you will regret it later. Tell him to go. Tell him you do nit want him in your home after how he gas treated you. It might sound scary but it must be better than living in limbo wondering what. hes going to do. Don't let him call all tve shots. He is messing with you and in all honesty probably waiting for the OW to say shes left her partner so he can run off with her. Don't let him put yoy through it.

From a practical point you need to go look at the previoys threads about thus, theres some brilliant tips on what to do, what documents to get etc. And tell someone who can support you what he has done. Don't covet for him and deprive yourself of support which you need right now.

It might seem impossible now but you will survive tgis and be stronger for it xxx

Argh sorry for typos!!! On phone and it hates me!

I guess the question is - do you want to be with him? If you still love him and want the marriage to work then trying is probably a good idea. But it does sound like he’s enjoying wielding a lot of power over you by being distant and saying he’s not sure if it’ll work. If he commits to trying, he needs to actually try. That’s probably where counselling would help, but I appreciate he says he doesn’t want to. To be honest, I think he needs to have a proper think about whether he really wants to try to sort things out.

Thank you passmebrew and mumof234 for your advice..
I don’t really know what I want but what I do know if my DC loves him and she doesn’t take change very well. She is extremely sensitive which is why we have had very difficult two years. I worry abt her if H left home cause she asks abt him the moment she wakes up and even through night if she hasn’t seen him before going to bed.

We hv no family or friends to speak of here so he is all she has and I though I had :(

I can put a facade on and carry on as long as I know she is happy. What are you thoughts on not separating till DC is little older to understand. She is just finding her world and this shit happened.

I asked him to think abt it. I am financially ok; hv a decent job and some savings so last not a worry for now

Posters here are always quick to say ltb... but if times have been hard and he's taken a fairly natural (if not constructive) reaction and closed down at home... he's probably feeling guilty over what he's been thinking / behaving like. But if he hasn't 'done' anything... then there's chance to work through it? The guilt is a symptom of knowing his internal reaction was inappropriate and that your relationship needs work. We all make mistakes and the ones that build up slowly are the hardest to overcome. Marriage is about supporting each other despite your faults. Councilling doesn't have to be both of you in the same room together, at least not to start with.

Thank you passmeabrew, I have been going through the other threads and that’s what made me get it right out of him- i kept insisting that I need to know and he can’t go in like that.
Before reading those threads I was worried he is stressed and I am contributing to that by asking questions.

So sorry for your situation, must be so awful for you. He has been cold and distant with you for 2 years, and now he has feelings for someone else, but he wants to give it a few more months to see how it goes?? What an utter controlling dick head!! On top of that you are the only one who looks after your child, whilst you work full time?? Why after all these years of such shit treatment does he get to decide how your life turns out?!

He’s waiting to see what best options he has before he “makes his decision”, but he doesn’t care about your feelings or you at all. In the mean time you are holding on to his every word hoping he will choose you and your marriage!!

I know you are hurting OP, and your heart is breaking, but look at the person that he is - he is utterly awful!! Why would you want to stay with him after this shit treatment of you? Sounds like you could be so much happier without him!! Run, save your self!!

You don't have to make any decisions now but I do think you need to ask him to go fir now and give you sone space. You need time to process what he has said and decide how you feel.

Imagine this happening to your daughter, what would you tell her to do? You are her first example pf hpw a relationship should work, do you want her to think its normal to tip toe around hoping her OH decides to stay and forget the OW? Or to see a strong woman taking control and not letting a man who has lied about OW initially (and they always miminise, there's a good more has happened then hes letting on) and telling him that 'no actually i am wortb more than that' and sending him on his merry way. You can still think about making it work but you do it at your pace and let him see that there are consequences to gis behaviour and he doesn't get to walk all over you and make all the decisions

Hi springlake , you are so right in your assessment that he feels guilty
That’s what he kept saying and that he find it hard to talk but in the end labelled everything as - it would’ve happened it you hadn’t been so this and that,n how I feel unloved.
I am not thinking of immediate separation. I find deceit and dishonesty hard to go past in a relationship but I want to try to keep family together for DC!

Oh I feel so shit and unloved. Never once in these two years did he tell me how he feels apart from bouts of unexplained anger and silent periods

I feel like running away for few days but don’t know if that will damage it even more( as he thinks it’s all because of me n he just fell into thi because he needs love)
But I can’t even afford to leave for few days- have to cling on tightly to my job now plus nowhere to go

So sorry you’re going through this OP

Take time to grieve and look after yourself.

Then take control. He’s got it all at the moment, and he doing exactly what he wants, he’s keeping a foot in the door with you by saying there’s a slim chance your relationship can be saved. Just in case it doesn’t work out with the OW, and you can be sure there’s more to it than him having a crush on her.

Can you suggest he leaves for a while whilst YOU decide what you want to do, if you are bringing the dc up with little input from him then it’s unlikely it will affect them unnecessarily. He needs to understand the gravity of his decisions. Needs to understand how it will feel if he does decide to leave, needs to understand how it feels to lose his wife and family. And it also gives you the chance to decide if you want to try and save your marrige.

What passmeabrew said. 100%

Its more about human psychology than anything else. If OP is desperately trying to get him to pick her, he knows he can try to get his cake and if he fails she will still be there.

Whereas if you stay strong, tell him in no uncertain terms that this is not acceptable, you will scare the shit out of him. Particularly as it seems the OW isn't actually available.

I'm afraid this blunt type of ultimatum is the only way to make him really shock himself into realising what he really has to lose and potentially making him come to his senses

Good luck OP. Please don't do the pick me dance. Strap on a pair of big girl pants and tell him to bollocks, unless he changes his attitude.

Oh god! Dc is calling for him as soon as she woke up:(

what should I ask of him stay or leave now? Sorry I am lost I need words how to conver as I clearly can’t think through. he txted saying we can make it work.

I told him I need time to process and find out what I do but if we stick together it’s only for DC

Sounds like a good first step, so stick to it for now. Your DC will be OK.

I’m not going to say whether you should ask him to stay or go, but I think if you give it a try you need it to be for both of you, not just for DC. If you both go into this with the attitude of it being ‘only for DC’, it’ll feel very negative and - I hate to say it - almost certainly won’t work. It sounds like he feels pushed out by your DC (that’s not your fault, it’s juat one of those things) so if he feels you’re only together for that reason it’ll just exacerbate things.

Say it calmly and firmly. No emotion if you can.

You have behaved very badly and I need space to understand if we have a future. Please can you arrange to stay somewhere else for a while to give me space.

If he really wants to work with you he'll do it. If not then you know he doesn't have your best interests as a priority.

Mumofone234..that makes sense; I didn’t thik of it like that. I guess I will give myself some time (it’s very raw/fresh so I am burning inside) but will think about if I can give us a chance (not just for dc)

Thank you for your advice.. it’s giving me comfort xx

I definitely agree that a bit of time is a good idea - you’re understandably hurting now and making decisions based on those raw emotions probably isn’t sensible.

I second counselling

Even if it doesn’t work it can become separation counselling
To help make arrangements re kids & £

But sounds like could be saved

Thank you somebodytellme for regarding counselling!
Been thinking about it all day today and i can’t help but feel there is more to it.. may be he still hasn’t told me everything. I can’t imagin him talking about separation (even if 20% of a chance) without it being more than a crush he said he thinks it is.

The more I think about it the more I feel like tearing into him to find the truth! The worst thing he has done by revealing in bits n pieces and that too not truthfully is make me doubt myself!

He initially told me it was a girl who he thinks is attractive.. nothing more. Works in same Ofc but they don’t see each other much.. may b bump into each other sometimes. I tool that as innocent confessions as that doesn’t sound too worrying.

But now he tells me it’s the women who sits next to her and works with him all day!!

Unfortunately most people in situations like these will only every admit to what you already know, or enough to ‘get by’ with the story. As I said earlier, he’s keeping one foot in with you in case it doesn’t work out with the OW, which does make me feel it’s way more than a crush.