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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

He wants to take my kids away

43 replies

VelveteenGrabbit · 17/04/2018 08:01

So I’ve recently told DH I want to separate, and we’ve been moving under the same roof as have 2 small DCs. Apart from the odd blip it’s been reasonably amicable, and we’ve always got on really well. I’ve always said to him from the beginning that I would never take his kids from him. He’s a great dad, very hands on, and I would happily share custody.
I thought this was what we were working towards, but I found photos that he’d taken (wasn’t snooping, it was a shared iPhone that our kids used that’s linked to his account) of my payslips, of documentation relating to my financial situation, photos of the antidepressants I’m on...
There were also messages saying that he might ask me to leave, that no court in hell would grant me custody because I’m on antidepressants and I’m an alcoholic (his words - I’m not an alcoholic, by any stretch!)
He’s also taken screenshots of every message I’ve sent him and some from his friends telling him he should make me leave. Does this sound like he’s building evidence? I’m absolutely fuming but don’t want to be irrational and go in all guns blazing...

OP posts:
Original poster
VelveteenGrabbit · 17/04/2018 08:01

Sorry, living under the same roof not moving

OP posts:
Fannybaws52 · 17/04/2018 08:08

Go speak to a solicitor and DO NOT leave unless you are advised to by said solicitor.

Stop playing nice. He has proven he won't.

Also, make sure you aren't looking after him. Don't do his laundry, dishes or cook his meals. You've tried to be amicable and he's rewarding that by going behind your back to try to build a case against you.

Get to legal advice ASAP.

Original poster
VelveteenGrabbit · 17/04/2018 08:16

I just don’t get it - we always said we’d never put our kids through a custody battle and we’d always keep it amicable.
He’s been nice to me on the surface, and sending messages saying he wants to stay together, but then why is he building a case behind my back?

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 17/04/2018 09:24

Who does the bulk of the care for your children op?

Don't confront him but collect your own evidence on the quiet. He's clearly up to something.

Original poster
VelveteenGrabbit · 17/04/2018 09:44

We pretty much share childcare. He takes them to school in the mornings, and pickups alternate between grandparents, me and occasionally him.

Yes I figured that keeping quiet about what I've discovered is the best plan - but what evidence should I be gathering?

OP posts:
Original poster
VelveteenGrabbit · 17/04/2018 10:34

Is it worth me posting in relationships to get more traction?

OP posts:
Walkingdeadfangirl · 17/04/2018 11:46

Couldn't he just be protecting himself in case you were to try and kick him out. Is there any evidence that he has started any action?

bluebell34567 · 17/04/2018 11:50

agree with Walkingdeadfangirl and confront him because you have been fair to him.

Original poster
VelveteenGrabbit · 17/04/2018 12:12

Should I confront him though? Or wait till he trips himself up?

I found messages to one of my supposed friends and they were discussing how he should keep his wedding ring on to prove that I'm the home wrecker and he's the good one.

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 17/04/2018 12:15

Keep quiet is my advice. Keep a diary of your own and copy his tactics. Don't let on to your friend that you know they are a 2 faced cunt.

Coffeeandvodkakeepmesane · 17/04/2018 12:18

Yes she's certainly not my friend any more.

I think I'll wait to confront him, and see if he slips up. I think he's realised that something's up as no new iMessages are coming through on DS's phone, but his photos are still updating and he's still taking screenshots of my message.
Anyone know how I can switch iMessage back on to the secondary phone without it alerting him on his phone? I've tried switching iMessage off and on but it just says waiting for activation.

DaffoDeffo · 17/04/2018 12:21

divorce/separation is brutal

he may be the loveliest bloke in the world but he's probably listening to loads of his friends who have been through awful divorces/read stuff in the paper and now he's gathering evidence

in a proper divorce, your pay and everything comes out anyway (though not necessarily that you are on antids)

start compiling your own evidence and whatever you do, don't leave the house

I wouldn't confront him but I would reiterate the conversation about sharing custody

I would definitely engage a lawyer

when is he moving out?

Coffeeandvodkakeepmesane · 17/04/2018 12:23

Sorry, name changed in a panic as suddenly thought DH might know my username

Coffeeandvodkakeepmesane · 17/04/2018 12:24

I don't think he is moving out. It will have to be me but currently I can't afford to. Rock and a hard place. I actually have no idea what to do.

Brakebackcyclebot · 17/04/2018 12:35

we always said we’d never put our kids through a custody battle and we’d always keep it amicable

Lots of people say this, until they actually separate.

Go and get some legal advice, quickly.

No court will give a toss who is a "homewrecker" and who is "the good one". They will care about what is in the children's best interests, how the children are cared for, who the primary carer is, what the children need and (depending on age) what they want, the capabilities of their parents. Have a look at this - www.divorceresource.co.uk/whogetscustody.html

Aprilmightbemynewname · 17/04/2018 12:42

When you move out op don't leave the dc.
He will tell them you left because you don't want them.
Ime.

And it will damage your relationship for a very long time.
Ime.
And don't think he won't, as you know he is fighting dirty behind your back already.

billybagpuss · 17/04/2018 13:02

Anything that happens document it, stay quiet and amicable where you can.

I'm sure you're not, but if he's trying to brand you as a depressed alcoholic it might be worth going tee-totalled for a while.

Confusicated · 17/04/2018 13:07

Trying to activate iMessage again will have no doubt pinged a message up on his own handset asking him to verify it as him trying to do it - so he will be in to that now

There is no way he can use the fact that you are on meds for depression against you.

Mamaaaaaa · 17/04/2018 13:16

Theres nothing wrong with you being of anti depressants he cant hold that against you, he needs proof of why hes calling you an alcholic I would keep a log of the things he says to you, it does seem like hes trying to build evidence all you can do is speak to a solicitor about what hes doing and keep doing the best you can for your children then he has no reason to demand full custody!

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 17/04/2018 13:19

It does sound like he's building a case but I think that he's doing it based on what he knows from movies, soaps and hearsay rather than legal advice. Divorce is the UK is "no fault" which means you're not penalised for initiating the process.

Unless there's unusual circumstances like you're an addict and prostitute, he's realistically not going to do better than 50:50 care. Being on anti-depressants won't count against you. It proves that you are dealing with things responsibly.

The financial stuff will be revealed during the process but you might want to note financial details particularly if he's self-employed as that can be used to reduce maintenance payments.

wobytide · 17/04/2018 13:46

As soon as either of you get a solicitor you'll be warned about having documents relating to the other person that you shouldn't have and to destroy them. If you start trying to use them in the process you're heading for a fall. By all means scrutinise the official forms you exchange for things that may be discrepancies based on what you know but turning up with someone elses "stolen" paperwork is going to be disastrous

Aprilmightbemynewname · 17/04/2018 13:56

My ex pulled all sorts - including telling his solicitor I was a prostitute!! He never mentioned I had been on ads. Likely because he was well aware he was the fucking cause of needing them!! Never underestimate him, no matter how nicey nicey he can be. You need to play tough too.

OhWhatAWonderfulDay · 17/04/2018 14:00

Lol! If he thinks telling a court you are in anti depressants will mean he'll get full custody, then SS better round all the kids up who's parents are on AD's!

Tell him to get a grip and fuck off

blueskyinmarch · 17/04/2018 14:17

The anti depressants thing is a non starter as loads of people are on them but why would he be labelling you an alcoholic? What does he have on you there?

Confusicated · 17/04/2018 15:02

I was labelled an alcoholic by a husband who never drank at home but did on nights out.

Months of commenting (in front of the kids) every time I had a drink at home, and then when social services became involved he had managed to make the kids think I drank so much they told Ss mummy drank most days (when questioned)

The SS report suggested alcohol awareness sessions which I went on and they the. Reported back there was no issue.

Was still subject to random Ss visits for the first few months when the kids were with me though to check I was pissed.

Nuts, because I don’t drink any more than loads of others and ultimately for all his whining it came to nothing.