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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

He wants to take my kids away

43 replies

VelveteenGrabbit · 17/04/2018 08:01

So I’ve recently told DH I want to separate, and we’ve been moving under the same roof as have 2 small DCs. Apart from the odd blip it’s been reasonably amicable, and we’ve always got on really well. I’ve always said to him from the beginning that I would never take his kids from him. He’s a great dad, very hands on, and I would happily share custody.
I thought this was what we were working towards, but I found photos that he’d taken (wasn’t snooping, it was a shared iPhone that our kids used that’s linked to his account) of my payslips, of documentation relating to my financial situation, photos of the antidepressants I’m on...
There were also messages saying that he might ask me to leave, that no court in hell would grant me custody because I’m on antidepressants and I’m an alcoholic (his words - I’m not an alcoholic, by any stretch!)
He’s also taken screenshots of every message I’ve sent him and some from his friends telling him he should make me leave. Does this sound like he’s building evidence? I’m absolutely fuming but don’t want to be irrational and go in all guns blazing...

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 17/04/2018 15:07

I wonder whether he's having an affair with this friend of yours. Does she tend to want what you have?

I wouldn't have one more drink. I wouldn't give him anything as ammunition.

It goes without saying you shouldn't confide in that friend, but I would avoid confiding in all friends who know him, too, as you just don't know who to trust now. Work friends are fine, obviously.

Why do you say you'd have to leave? You are married. Why should you be the one to go?

Don't worry about the anti-depressants - if he brings it up he'll look cruel and foolish and it will give you the chance to say, "Living with him was so awful that I had to talk to the doctor about it."

NameyMcChangeRae · 17/04/2018 15:08

THere must be more backstory here...
Why on earth would your friend support this areshole?
Why did you split up?

Doyoumind · 17/04/2018 15:14

I agree with PP that he has no idea how the system really works. Anti depressants and his word against yours about being an alcoholic will have absolutely no impact on what happens to the children. Keep quiet and accumulate your own evidence - including any messages you've seen that might be helpful. Make sure everything you do moving forwards can be seen objectively as being in the children's interests and not game playing or spiteful.

Coffeeandvodkakeepmesane · 17/04/2018 17:31

As I'm the one who wants to break up, I feel like it should be me who leaves, not that I particularly want to. I'm just trying to be fair to him as he (so he says) wants to keep the family together and he didn't instigate this. Plus the house and mortgage is all in his name, and I can't afford to move out straight away, let alone to a place big enough for me and the DCs, so if I leave, I'm leaving the kids.

Feel totally stuck and damned if I do and damned if I don't!

The alcohol thing is because I've been going out once a week, and I have wine in the evenings. I've stopped now though.

NameyMcChangeRae · 17/04/2018 17:58

Why do you want to split up?
Doesn’t seem fair at all that you have to leave without the kids, and I wouldn’t do until you have a place where you can have them.
Could you sell the house and buy two smaller places each?

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 17/04/2018 18:16

The house is a marital asset (even though your name isn't on it) so you will be entitled to a percentage of it unless the marriage was very short or you signed a pre-nup. Get legal advice before moving out because 50% of the equity could be yours.

OliviaBenson · 17/04/2018 20:46

DO NOT leave without the kids- it will go against you.

Doyoumind · 17/04/2018 20:51

I agree. Don't leave without the children. He could then argue he's the primary carer and get residence.

Think about how the children would feel if you left without them.

Do not think about what's fair for him. He's already going behind your back and doesn't care about you.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 17/04/2018 20:55

Op I can't stress enough not to leave them - it took 9 years to properly repair my relationship with my ds's. They are nc with df now after years of attempted brain washing.

Coffeeandvodkakeepmesane · 17/04/2018 21:54

Yeah you’re right.... if I leave then I will never get them.

The reason for the breakup is lack of feelings on my part. Nothing massive, he’s not done anything wrong, but I’ve been very unhappy for a longtime.

Coffeeandvodkakeepmesane · 18/04/2018 10:17

Update - he keeps trying to stitch me up, saying that I've said things that I haven't, and saying that I've gone out when I haven't. He's writing down my every move on a calendar and then taking pictures of it. It's beyond creepy.

Any ideas for angry music I can listen to as currently I'm on Staind and Linkin Park and I'm not sure it's helping!

Doyoumind · 18/04/2018 13:13

No one will ever read through this detail he's amassing - not even his solicitor. It doesn't make any difference. Don't let it get to you but do get some proper legal advice so that you know where you stand and to reassure you.

NameyMcChangeRae · 18/04/2018 13:25

WHats he saying you’ve done?

waterSpider · 18/04/2018 15:30

Music - try Seether. Plus a list from a computer advice service ...

waterSpider · 18/04/2018 15:31

...

Mary1935 · 28/04/2018 21:51

Hi OP he sounds like he's not being amicable now.
Do not trust this man.
He seems like he's trying to drive you out of the house - Do not leave.
Ignore ignore ignore. Google grey rock technique - that may help you.
Tell your friends, GP and any family what's going on.
Isn't there something you can do with a solicitor to protect your rights in the property? I've seen it on here before but can think what it's call. It basically protects you re the house.
Will he not go?
Seek legal advice.
Look after yourself.

lifebegins50 · 29/04/2018 09:19

Do you both work similar hours?
Are you prosing 50:50 care of children? Will there be sufficient money to each have a house (with mortgage).

It seems like he is trying to win and be the victim..you say he has been fine but I wonder if he has always been covert and passive aggressive.

Divorcing someone with a victim mentality is painful and brutual but can be done.Everything you do is viewed through his victimised eyes so nothing is reasonable.

I would suggest you start mediation so at least have the ball rolling.

northernglam · 29/04/2018 09:41

have you checked what you would be entitled to if you left with kids usually get tax credits and housing benefit while the family house is sold. My friend was forced to do this as her dh wouldn't leave so she got pt job, hb etc and rented. He was furious she could start over without him. She got her share house in end but more importantly didn't have to live in a difficult atmosphere. Her and kids are very happy in their smaller house and he ex rarely sees kids now after making a massive deal about joint custody. Just find a way to go with the kids this isn't healthy for anyone.

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