Leaving husband - but how and where to start?

[NIadviceplease]

Hi there

So I have decided after much soul searching that it is time for me and my kids to leave my husband. This has been something I have pondered over for nearly 5 years but never had the balls to actually go through with it. Fact of the matter is there is zero love between us, no sex life, we disagree on just about everything especially when it comes to kids as we both have different ideas of parenting. He has a bad temper and suffers anxiety which has sky rocketed since kids came along as he wants to wrap them up in cotton wool pretty much. He comes from a family where women were not respected and never had a voice/opinion and my family is quite the opposite so things can be very strained between us most of the time.
We currently have a mortgage together and I just would rather walk away from the house and leave him in it and start afresh myself. Yes I know i would be entitled to half and that I should stay and kick him out but right now I just want out before I chicken out again. Over year ago I was leaving but he talked me round and here I am again same shit different year.
Anyway where do I even start to go about this. I only work part time as my kids are only 3 & 5. So presume getting approved for 2nd mortgage is out if the question. Rent in my area is £600 a month and I earn about £950 a month. What are my options regarding help with rent or other benefits. Who do I go to or where do I start? Do I move into rented accommodation first? Ahhhhh I am so clueless! Any advice would be brilliant Mums.
Also I am in Northern Ireland so need some advice as to how things work here as i think laws different...?

Thanks in advance!

I don't have any advice but I could have written your post word for word right down to where we live. I just haven't had the balls to end it yet.

I went onto the government website and used their calculator. I used it as if I was renting somewhere local and it was able to tell me based on my part time wage what else I would be entitled to until I can get on to my feet and increase my hours once DD is at school. Might be some help for you to go on and see what help you could get xx

Hi there miserableinmarriage

Yeah I'm hoping I have balls to see this through, I have made the decision to do it but just don't know how. Been trying to call my citizens advice few days last week but on hold for ages. Emailed and they wrote back saying they would call me but nothing so will try and contact them again tomorrow.

Yes I have tired couple of those online calculators saying I was in rented accommodation. But I read somewhere if you have a mortgage/are a homeowner then you are not eligible for help with rent but could be wrong.

Hate that this all comes down to money!!! I would probably be gone long ago!! Have been trying to save a bit to at least cover few months rent but isn't there always something that crops up that you have to dip into for.

Seen a mortgage advisor last week to find out my chances of getting 2nd mortgage in just my name as rent as high as fecking mortgage payment and hate thought of rent as it's just dead money! He said not with my part time wage which I had an idea but wanted to chat to someone to find out just what I needed to do to get to a position where I could get one.

So back to the renting option but if I found somewhere decent enough then I doubt I will care, but from what I have researched online, the rental properties are pretty grim.

I just really need to get wheels in motion before I back out again 🙈
Last year I had confided in my friends but feel I can't this time as never went through with it and can do without the 'I told you so's' .
Also confided in parents last time as well which broke their hearts and my mum told us to go away for weekend without kids to try and sort out. We did, which changed nothing as we didn't speak about it. Had reasonably nice time not great but ok and said I'd give it another go - big mistake!!!

Agggghhhhhh I just want to click my fingers and fast forward next 6-12 months as I know the hurt this will cause all. But When I imagine my life as a single parent living alone it actually brings me such joy as I used to be such a sociable person but because of his anxiety and basically being a grumpy old git (he's 43 but may as well be 83) he doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything if it involves other people. He's such a negative person about everything in life and thinks that everyone is out to get him which really drags me down! He's incredible bitter when he sees other people do well and always has to find fault and blame with everything to do with kids which I am the one on receiving end and it's just draining!!!!
I look forward to not having to constantly walk on eggshells around him trying not to set him off on one. He has a way of making me feel like a piece of worthless shit and when he loses his temper his nasty insults are so hurtful. It's almost like he's an emotional abuser but I almost feel like a drama queen saying that.
I know I will be so much happier but just need to make sure that I go through with it eeeekkkkk

Firstly there will be solutions so don't jump yet until you explore options.

What equity is in the house? You will be entitled to 50:50 of assets and that will include savings or pensions.

Go on the cms calculator and see what your h will have to provide, assume you know his income?
A mortgage broker could include tax credits, child allowance & cms..if you get equity from house then a mortgage with deposit will give you more options.

To start again is expensive so don't be rash as you might regret it later.

Explore options then propose separation.How is H likely to take it?

because I think you need them.

It's incredibly scary, jumping off ship. But it does sound like your marriage has run its course and is now dead in the water.

It makes it so more difficult that on paper he's a decent enough husband and father. He's providing for you and the children and doesn't slap you about. But there's so much more than that for a happy marriage isn't there?!

Sorry can't manage much more help than that, my own situation has been very different from yours but just wanted to send

In a similar situation , not yet taken the plunge . IMO I think you would be mad to walk away from the home , you have 2 young children & they need the security of a home . It may seem easier in the short term but I really think you would regret it . Secondly pain & upset is all part of the process , I know exactly what you mean by saying you wish you could fast forward 6-12 months . Think of it as a journey , a process , missing steps is not an option & it’s a journey that will make you strong & also teach you things about yourself . My advise is plan plan plan ! Knowing you are taking steps to a new life will empower you but at the same time go at your own pace ... lastly real friends won’t judge you , even if you delay separation again . Be brave be strong & good luck x

Thanks all!

I know my friends would never judge me and would fully support me in fairness I do have an amazing circle of friends it's more me not wanting to look like a fool saying all same crap again. But will no doubt confide in them soon.

How will my husband take it? Same as last time I expect, tell me I am being dramatic and over reacting and being selfish to him and kids. Guilt me into staying like last time. Then he will threaten me saying if I go I can never come back as I have heard this a few times before.

He has said in the past he would leave and me and kids could stay but it's the only home he has here as he is not from around here which again makes it worse as he has no support system and nowhere to go and without me and kids he has no life here which has stopped me from going so many times. But I can't put his happiness over mine anymore for my own mental health. The guilt of 'kicking' him out is too much as I don't hate him he's a good dad and really hands on so i know this is going to kill him not seeing them every day so I suppose no matter what way I go about this it is shit for all!!
I just can't live any longer under same roof with him as he can be so manipulative and controlling and I hate how he treats me in front of kids. I have 2 boys and don't want them growing up thinking it is acceptable to speak and treat a women like that. I also don't want them to think I have no respect for myself by taking it / just for an easy life.

My phone is constantly on silent as he gives off when someone rings me and they can hear him bitching in background so just keep phone oh silent till I am out of ear shot and ring them back. I never invite anyone over as he goes mad when my family or friends call by. Our home is so unwelcoming and I hate that as my background and family upbringing was completely opposite to his upbringing and this is something I didn't discover until we were married as I mentioned he's not local. His family are around 200miles away.
Ahhhh its all so messy and thought of turning our lives upside down makes me so sick but I just need to get it done now!
I would much rather have accommodation sorted and then tell him so that I then can't back out. But I ain't that flush! And doubt housing office is going to do much for me as I am sure they have massive amount of cases much more urgent than mine.
I know I have to speak with him about this and hate thoughts of it as I just clam up and can't say what I need to as he's made me feel so inadequate in my reasons previously and turned them around making them sound ridiculous which then in turn makes me feel like wtf am I doing and then we go back to everyday life for few months till bang I am back here again 🙈🙈🙈

Wow that was a long message - sorry!
But so good to get it out ☺️

it is so hard I know. I think it generally gets worse after s split before it gets better, as you try and process the realities of it all. However if you stay you are probably delaying the inevitable, and in 6 months or 12 months you’ll already be on that road to independence. I’m 4 months in and have slowly organised tax credits and seen a lawyer and pieces are coming together. I am way more stable than I was at Christmas (a real low point) so can look back already and see progress.

I ended it which hurt my husband and I’ve carties tremendous guilt. He made sure all my friends and family knew how heartbroken he was and became a bitbof a martyr. However he’s off abroad with his new girlfriend who’s barely out of university this weekend so I guess he’s feeling better
I heard this quote the other day and it’s motivated me, from Nora Ephron
‘Be the heroine in your own life, not the victim’ . First time I’ve ever stood truly on my own two feet and I know I can do it

Also a friend remarked that I had ‘chucked a bomb into my own life’ in regards to turning everything upside down - which is true!! But it got to a point where I thought ‘I only have one life and I don’t want to waste any more of it being unhappy’
I never thought I’d have the courage to make this move - but I have. Be prepared for people to suggest you’re crazy 😜

Ok, there’s a lot going on here and you need to slow down.

I separated 4 years ago so can only tell you what I did if that helps? For me, key to everything was centering the children and their stability. You talk about your H staying in the house, but he’s an adult and as parents you both need to provide a home for your DCs. It makes no sense you uprooting them and putting them in that situation.

First off see a solicitor and talk through the options. I found it useful to get very practical, paper work in order, pension provision (both state and private).

But at the moment you have a very emotional time to work through. Separating doesn’t mean an immediate clean break. It takes time. You might live in the same house for 6 weeks/6 months. You have to untangle your lives. It’s hard.

Ultimately you can sell your house and split the equity and start again, but to walk away from that investment now might not be the best idea. It’s a process. You are starting that process from a very emotional place. Look after yourself, centre your children and take your time.

Good luck.

Hi MSnotMRS

Thanks for sharing and glad you are on the other side and life looking more positive for you. Gives me hope ☺️ ps LOVE the quote 👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼

Ohforfoxsakereturns

Thanks for sharing also. Yes I don't plan to do a 'runner' as I know that's not the wise thing to do. Like you say it's all about the kids and what is priority for them. So looking at all options and have spoken to him a little last night about how I was feeling. His response was as expected - him not really responding much and suggesting a holiday might do us good - haven't left country since our honeymoon so I know his idea of holiday and mine are very different. I said a holiday will not fix or change anything. So he took himself off to bed without talking anything through but I think as he has had time since hopefully to process what I said then he may be ready to talk again maybe this evening and we can go from there. Time will tell. X

It’s so hard isn’t it? My XH didn’t say anything. I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t furiously fighting for his family. So, so telling. 😞

BUT I am so very happy now. The children seem to have come through it relatively unscathed (I do believe staying in the house helped this, but I would have loved a place to call my own).

We do it, and we survive and we are happy again. I had some counselling to undo the damage. We used mediation which was helpful in our case. I’m fairly well set up now for when I am older. entitledto.com was a very helpful resource. Request tax credit forms as soon as you can. Get both your bank statements and work out exactly what you spend and on what. Look ahead and factor in projected expenses, children get more costly IME). If you feel you are doing something towards changing things you will, I believe, have a sense of control through the up coming turmoil.

Above all, keep asking for support and advice on here. Mumsnet got me through. The support and advice I received on this forum made such a difference.

I honestly do wish you the very best of luck.

Ah what a week. We talked, and by we I mean him too which was a surprise. I explained how unhappy I was with our relationship and that I felt the love wasn't there between us (from both sides) as this is evident in how we treat each other and it hasn't been for some time. He agreed somewhat and said he didn't want to break up the family and would change his ways (heard this before where he did for a while but slips back into same behavior) I said you can't change who you are and that we are both guilty and bring worst out on each other. He blamed being exhausted from work and that we need to try and 'reconnect' and try and spend more time together as a couple as we never do anything together - never did really since we started dating 12 years ago as we were always saving for mortgage, then it was saving for wedding, then saving for improvements to house etc etc ya get the picture. Anyways It's our wedding anniversary this weekend and he suggested we do something as we usually go out for dinner which is our one and only date night throughout every year of our marriage - how sad. Anyway I said I didn't feel like celebrating a marriage I wanted to end. He asked that I sleep on it which I said I would. Since then he is trying so hard it makes me feel worse. He's taken for granted that I am agreeing to his terms of giving it another go without actually discussing it any further and making arrangements for going out this weekend. One part of me is angry he is just taking it upon himself that we are all good and to carry on as normal - totally sweeping all issues under carpet which has always been his way of dealing with anything. And part of me is feeling guilty that he's been making such an effort as I would love it to work but feel I will just be back here in same situation again.
The atmosphere has improved so much in house I am afraid to bring it up again but I know I am going to have to have this out with him.
Ahhhhhh I am none the wiser 😫😫

niadviceplease

I'm in similar situation to you and how I emphasised that I wasn't going to slip back into the old routine of brushing it under the carpet was when he asked if I'd be attending a wedding and I said no, I won't be, I would've emphasised it further with that's a couples thing to do and we're no longer a couple but I didn't have to as he understood the sentiment.

Our only communication now is regarding the children or mundane household stuff.

He has suggested we need to talk and maybe don't need to go through mediation and can solve separation ourselves, but at the end of that sentence he said 'you never know, down the line....' but I do know and there's need for mediation I want us to separate and I won't change my mind about it.

Also in a similar situation myself, so I know how you feel only I'm in Scotland not NI. I made the mistake of letting the knob talk me out of separation 3 years ago with promises of change that never materialised, so I'm now back to square one and waiting until my boy's exams are finished in 3 weeks, to tell him that its done and we're separating.
Don't allow him to talk you round and don't allow him to sweep it under the carpet, you're going to have to be firm.

i divorced a husband who did not want it. there was no way i was giving up our home and the house though and the children's stabiligh so I remortgaged and bought him out. He would nto move out until the very bitter end (on legal advice) so I just endured that and ulitmately as I could afford to buy him out and he could not afford it the other way he had to leave. It took 7 months to decree absolute and property transfer.

It sounds like you have sacriifced much for 12 years to get your house and home for the children. I don't think it's right you should move out and leave him with the equity. Instead I would tell him you want a divorce and then get a solicitor to send him a draft divorce petition which is what we did. he then had the chance to amend it which he did and then it progressed.

Is there a way you could remortgage to buy out a share of the equity that might be his? he might be entitle say to 40% if you earn a lot less than he does particularly for a clean break with no spousal maintenance. Check his pension position too and yours.

When i decided to divorce finally I just had to sit him down and be really clear - no prevarication nothing. I am going to divorce you. This is what will happen. I will not be changing my mind. My solicitor recommended one whom he used (I paid for both sides but only because I earn more).

On NI law, I know Scottish is different. I suspect NI might be similiar to England but obviously get advice in your own jurisdiction. if there are differences people often rush to be the first to divorce in their country by the way and you say he is from far away so do bear that in mind - countless russians choose to divorce in Russia if theya re rich as the lower earner gets less and the higher earner rushs to divorce in the UK where lower earners get more.

Xenia Not sure about the house and whether I could afford it on my own. According to bank manager who I met with last week he said I would need to be in full time work.

The weekend was awful! It was our wedding anniversary yesterday and whilst we didn't celebrate or exchange cards or gifts. We did get messages, cards & gifts from others 🙈. He wasn't one for celebrating anything, with so much as a card, whether it be Xmas, my birthday, anniversary or Mother's Day, didn't matter he never made an effort!

All last week he's been coming in from work in the evenings trying to kiss and hug me in front of kids (which of course I just turn my cheek and no hug is returned) and I was kinda shocked first day he did it as thought it was to piss me off but by 3rd & 4th time I realized this man hasn't a clue and all I said to him last week has fallen on deaf ears! So plan for the weekend had been to discuss things to which he looked dumbfounded by this notion as he thought everything was ok! Anyway the talk was postponed until tonight due to sickness with kids over weekend.

Anyway this weekend coming we had planned to visit his family (200mliles away which I dread the car ride with kids and the fact that we stay with his family while we are there doesn't make it any better) so he wanted to discuss when we should go and as I wasn't committing, the penny dropped and he asked why I wasn't responding to his kisses and hugs and also why I haven't wore my wedding ring in over a month. Told him I just can't fake something I don't feel.
His response 'fine so you want to break up, at least now I know where I stand' I said I had tired to explain it few times already but you didn't seem to take in what I said. And that we just need to think of what is best for kids. To which he responded - I don't want this but if your not happy then fine. you seem to have it all worked out I am sure you can let me know!!
So wonder what tomorrow will bring - will he revert back to greeting me in evenings with affection in front of kids or just completely ignore me. I'm thinking the latter

You would be entitled to housing benefit (providing your income is low enough) for 6 months providing you are taking steps to deal with the property, so divorcing and the property being dealt with I.e. sold or him buying you out and for a longer period providing the steps are continuing and it is reasonable to discount the house as capital. It's the housing benefit regulations 2006 schedule 6.

Jonbb - that's good to know! Will check that out and see where I stand with my salary - thanks

Feeling sick!!!

Having a really horrible day with a sick feeling in pit of my stomach at the thought of splitting up! Is that fear as to whether I am doing right thing? My heart is breaking at thought of tearing family apart and every time I look at kids I wanna cry 😢
I felt like this last time I had 'made up my mind' then when we gave it another go I looked back at that bad time and thought holy shit thank god i didn't go thru with it as I woulda regretted it so much! Now I am panicking thinking oh crap what if I do this and regret it and then there's no turning back and I have fucked up our future as a family as I hate thought of shared custody and not doing things as a family. This decision is going to affect my kids forever 😞😞 Am I just basing my idea of a relationship on others I see and think why can't mine be like that? Are my expectations too high?! Oh my god I am now sooooo fecking confused!!! Why can my head not be more clearer as to what I want or need to do??? As the song goes 'should I stay or should I go? 🙈😩

Have you tried relationship counselling? It can help put things in perspective and if you still decide separating is the way to go, it can help you through that too, either separately or apart.

Yeah convinced him to come to marriage counselling about a year and half ago and he refused to go back after 1st session, few days after this, his dad died suddenly and hadn't the heart to bring it up again.

I feel like I have been so open and honest and told him all I was thinking/feeling (well almost all) which I did last year as well when we went through this shitty time and wondering if I just revert back and life is ok for a while as it does be - am I just delaying the inevitable...?

@NIadviceplease I'm where you were a year ago sort of. Just started counselling sessions. First one was horrible but I thought at least things were being talked about. Then he took TWO days off work afterwards - but won't talk about why. Feeling sick at the idea of the next one...

@namechanged77
How is it all going? Take it you are no better off a year down the line? Is it couples counselling ? Or do you go separately?
My DH is in complete denial I think right now about what's going on as everything is pretty much as normal in the house as we do get on ok together, I have no hate towards him, I just don't think I have any interest in a relationship anymore with him.

I have agreed to go visit his family this weekend as his mum has recently been sick and would love to see kids and it's too long a journey to do with them in car alone as they are 3 & 5 and need attention pretty much most of journey 🙄 so that does take 2 of us.
So atm we aren't sharing a bed due to problems with our DS who is having problems sleeping due to medical problems. So nearly 6/7 nights my son sleeps in our bed with me and my DH sleeps in his room. We don't have a spare room which would be ideal right now. I have said this evening a trial separation is what is needed right now as I don't want to rush into making a decision and regret it later. Even with putting that into effect I feel a weight has been lifted and that trapped feeling i have had is gone and feeling much happier but I don't expect that can last too long as we are still in same house - a small house at that. But he didn't seem to get it at all as he then went on to say about me and him going away for a weekend as my pending 40th birthday is this month and he wanted to book a hotel for us - this is all new as NEVER before has he made an effort but then again this could be all talk to call my bluff. I said absolutely not as we are not a couple as I had just stated we were taking a trial separation to which he then said looking surprised so you want to break up... I was like HELLO why do you say that with such a surprised tone and face every time we have tried to discuss our relationship in last few weeks! I swear he just thinks I am hormonal or something as he is not taking this seriously 😐
Anyway we need to discuss fully the terms of this trial separation so that it is clear to him what that actually means!!!

How long is appropriate for this ?
Should I put a deadline on it?
Does it actually count as a trial separation if we are still living together?
🤔🤔🤔

@niadviceplesase I'm not an expert and am going through same as you basically, I don't think my H is in denial anymore(told him we were over on March 2nd) but I think because we are living together as a family, eating meals together on an ad hoc basis, doing one grocery shop, doing one another's laundry that it doesn't count as living separately together. Afaik you have to be living completely separate lives in the one house for that to count, and how is that fair on the children?

Sorry to hear your ds has medical problems too, as if you don't have enough going on.

We have his godchild's communion coming up in two weeks. I'm friendly with all the family and will be going, so is he, I don't know how it's going to pan out. Not one of the people attending know of our separation.

Waiting impatiently on mediation at the moment

Ah Mammy! Communions, confirmations and now wedding invites coming in! Shit time!!! I hear ya!!! It's the putting a fake smile on things! I deactivated my fb account last week to avoid the 'happy anniversary' posts as it obviously shows up on people's memories for them as who would actually remember in fairness. So always get s few every year on fb and just couldn't deal with the fake response I would have to give 😳

Yeah I reckon he really hasn't took this seriously as he's almost sniggering and laughing at me at the mo as can see a fair bit of eye rolling!! Tomorrow we have a 5 hour car journey to do south so thinking whilst kids have dvd playing and ear phones on I will have plenty of opportunity to make it clear once and for all.

But the whole trial separation I think will not be much of a trial. Last night I downloaded a dating app out of curiosity and before I knew it I had a profile filled in (no pic) used my middle name. Now I didn't go as far to pay subscription or anything to get proper membership, like I say I was just curious as I would be in no mental state to even think of dating!!! And wouldn't if I was, outta respect for H and kids. I just wanted to see how things were done nowadays anyway I deleted app and went to sleep. Woke up this morning and throughout the day to email notifications from potential matches and a couple of messages and thought holy shit wtf 🙈 managed to get on site and delete profile but anyway even by doing that tells me I am ready to separate!!
I would just love if he went out and met someone and that would take all the guilt away and make things so much easier!!