Leaving husband - but how and where to start?

[NIadviceplease]

Hi there

So I have decided after much soul searching that it is time for me and my kids to leave my husband. This has been something I have pondered over for nearly 5 years but never had the balls to actually go through with it. Fact of the matter is there is zero love between us, no sex life, we disagree on just about everything especially when it comes to kids as we both have different ideas of parenting. He has a bad temper and suffers anxiety which has sky rocketed since kids came along as he wants to wrap them up in cotton wool pretty much. He comes from a family where women were not respected and never had a voice/opinion and my family is quite the opposite so things can be very strained between us most of the time.
We currently have a mortgage together and I just would rather walk away from the house and leave him in it and start afresh myself. Yes I know i would be entitled to half and that I should stay and kick him out but right now I just want out before I chicken out again. Over year ago I was leaving but he talked me round and here I am again same shit different year.
Anyway where do I even start to go about this. I only work part time as my kids are only 3 & 5. So presume getting approved for 2nd mortgage is out if the question. Rent in my area is £600 a month and I earn about £950 a month. What are my options regarding help with rent or other benefits. Who do I go to or where do I start? Do I move into rented accommodation first? Ahhhhh I am so clueless! Any advice would be brilliant Mums.
Also I am in Northern Ireland so need some advice as to how things work here as i think laws different...?

Thanks in advance!

BTW updated my username so no longer niadviceplease - now soboredwithitCath

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Following

Hi @soboredwithitCath It's a couple of days since our session but I'm still not sure how I feel about it. He was - genuinely I think - conciliatory. He admitted failings that I've never heard him admit before, including lacking empathy. We've had a couple of sessions so far, and next we'll have individual ones - which will be good because I can talk about my contact with Women's Aid.

You're right. Things are no different between us. The only difference from a year ago is I feel a lot stronger and I'm not going to put up with things as they are.

Question is - even if he does change and does admit to what he's done wrong - is it all too late...?

Hi @namechanged77
I know what you mean with it maybe being too late. My H has been the model spouse for past 2 weeks saying and doing all the right things and I think why the frig could he not have been like this all along! I have said to him over the years that our marriage working is in his hands. By that I mean his behaviour towards me remaining respectful and not constantly going off on one losing his temper and dictating crap to me. So he has had enough warnings for many years now about this as the more and more he has done it he has wore me down and made me feel like a piece of shit. So I know I have come to a point now where I don't have the energy for it anymore and unfortunately he has verbally beat any love I once had for him outta me. It's exhausting constantly having to deal with his anxiety. Don't get me wrong I am a very understanding person and I am all for mental awareness but holy shit living with someone with a mental illness would give you one - it's horrendous!

I have asked myself 2 questions this week when feeling confused:

1. If there was no children would I still be with him?

NO!

1. If I won the lotto in the morning would I walk?

YES!

So I think the above has put things into perspective for me. Kids and mortgage only thing keeping me there. It Is just having the guts to go thru with it as I think it is too late for me.

We have spent all day traveling to visit his family and it was a lonnnng day in car with a 3&5 year old. Never got chatting as I had hoped but he made a couple of jokes and smart remarks about our situation that I know he really is expecting me to just forget all about this trial separation I have suggested. In fairness I have cried wolf before so I fully accept that he thinks this will blow over like it did last time but I know I just won't!!! Like I say it's just too late for me now.

I thought a couple of years ago of staying for the children and have since realised that doing that isn't good for them either. They deserve a happy home and ours isn't when we're together.

Sounds like you're both realising that too

Oh @mammynowanauntyIRL
Exactly!!! I did actually convinced myself a couple of years ago that staying together till kids were older would be do able - wtf! Clearly mental! Ain't good for anyone!!!

Btw thanks to all of you as this outlet has given me such clarity on things and hearing all your stories I know I am (sadly) not alone as so many of us are unhappy in our marriages.