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Divorce/separation

Just discovered my husband is having an affair

75 replies

percy1979 · 12/03/2018 00:07

No idea what to do - still in shock. Looked at my husband’s laptop screen while he was giving kids a bath to find a whole stream of messages to a woman. I’ve been ill all weekend so spent all of Mother’s Day in bed. Waited until kids were in bed and then confronted him. He met her 3 weeks ago on a very drunken night out with his brother, had a one night stand and then stayed in touch. His mum has known about it since then.
He’s just started a new job and asked about going to a conference next week, I’ve now found out that this woman is also going (not to conference just to see him) and staying with him in his hotel room. I feel like such a mug - I had encouraged him to stay the extra night at the conference and make the most of networking opportunities. Ha!!

Marriage hasn’t been great for a while, but I’m in shock that he would take the step of a one night stand, and even more that he would carry on plotting and talking about me to her, and send her pictures of our children.

No idea what my next steps are - he says he doesn’t want to fight, didn’t want to hurt me, is relieved that it’s out in the open. He thinks us separating was inevitable and that this was bound to happen sooner or later.

I’m deviated for my children. I can not afford to stay where we live on my teacher’s salary, so will have to move them out of their school and away from their friends.

OP posts:
Beanteam · 12/03/2018 12:40

Sorry I see you hope to save the marriage- DH certainly does sound confused judging by his odd behaviour. But still worth seeing a solicitor imv so you know the facts rather than scary what ifs .

Lucie8881 · 12/03/2018 12:52

From what Percy has put so far her husband has no want or intention of saving their marriage. She could want to try and work on it with all her heart and soul but if he won't engage, it's pointless.

It sounds like he's in the infatuation stage of a new relationship and she has little chance of of convincing him to give their marriage another try. That's not to say they shouldn't have the discussion, both have chance to speak about how they see themselves moving forward. Ultimately, if one partner has already checked out of the marriage your fighting a losing battle and pining after something you can't have.

It may be the case that in the weeks to come the husband may regret his decision to end the relationship or believe he has acted in haste. Whether that happens or not, that is out of Percy's control and should not influence her preparing and protecting herself.

It's just practical to use this time to get acquainted with finances and to assess your options.

Lucie8881 · 12/03/2018 12:53

*you're not your!!

percy1979 · 12/03/2018 14:44

Thanks everyone. Have spoken to my mum (200 miles away) and she was her calm stoical self - keep going, don’t let the children see you cry, take your time to decide what to do next.

Last night’s very blazé attitude from H may have been helped along by the 8 pints of Stella he drank through the afternoon and evening, so have told him that tomorrow we will sit down and have a sober conversation once th children are asleep.

OP posts:
MyBoysAndI · 12/03/2018 19:57

When l saw my solicitor l took all mine and stbxh paperwork and she also said that if she sees anything she'd have to legally return it to him.

But what it did do was give me something to refer too for when l received his Form E and l spotted pensions missing. ...

MrsBertBibby · 12/03/2018 20:16

What the Solicitor's eye doesn't see, her heart can't grieve over.

Irontheshirts · 12/03/2018 20:30

MyBoysandI - what do you mean by this I'm going through a similar situation and have my first meeting with a solicitor on Friday - I have copies of all financial papers both his mine and joint. Shouldn't I have copies of his?

MyBoysAndI · 12/03/2018 21:32

No because they are not yours....

However l had copies of everything and as l said earlier they came in handy when l got XH Form E back and not everything had been disclosed

percy1979 · 12/03/2018 22:46

24 hours on and I’m less in shock and more angry. He will miss our daughter’s drama performance next week for his night away with the OW before his conference on Friday.
Any tips on handling the anger??

OP posts:
GrabbyMcGrabby · 12/03/2018 23:14

OMG. He's such a twat.

Off- hand cannot thing about anger management techniques, but I'd say it's a good, positive response from you. Better than weeping in the gutter.

Get a punch bag?

MyBoysAndI · 13/03/2018 06:20

Channel that anger into finding out all your rights.

I divorced for unreasonable behaviour not adultery as it doesn't make any difference to the outcome but is less hassle

MyBoysAndI · 13/03/2018 06:25

If you have joint accounts but only he gets the statements then I'd set up my own access pronto.

I had the same scenario and was so glad l got access as it also showed that he'd been paying into an ISA that he didn't declare

NWQM · 13/03/2018 11:38

Re anger I’d say try and keep busy if you can do you can focus on working out your thoughts. There is not a scrap about this that you are going to like so it will be a case of staying as strong as you can. Use your support network - including here - to rant. The next few days are going to be tough but as with any disagreement do your best to think about who you say what to and when as nothing can be unsaid. Although your husband has said he doesn’t want to go to counselling you might want to ask whether he has thought about how you are going to work out how to split up rather than him thinking about it keeping you together. We - and a few other people I know - spilt up whilst at Relate and I really do think it helped in the long run. They will see you on your own if needs be. Sorry though am assuming you are UK. They usually have a weighting list but their self help books were reasonably priced & good. I’m really trying to sit on the fence about your future options - only you know if you want to give the marriage a further try and I’m kind of guessing you might be changing your mind about that one a million times a day - but your world has changed. You can of course forgive but in the short term there is a lots to work through and it’s not just the relationship with her husband that has shifted - have you thought anymore about your in-laws?

percy1979 · 13/03/2018 19:38

Husband is coming home at 8 to have a sensible talk - no booze, no shouting. No idea what i’m Going to say, feel sick with nerves and not sure how this going to go.

Plan is to listen, say how I feel but no arguments, no shouting and no decisions.

Any tips?

OP posts:
EllieFitz · 13/03/2018 19:42

Good luck.

Write down anything you want to say as if you get upset/angry you may forget.

I would make sure I ask him why he feels a night with OW is more important than being there for his own daughter.

Mrsderekshepard · 13/03/2018 20:02

Good luck, try and write a few things down that you need to talk about. Like a prompt

INeedToEat · 13/03/2018 20:04

Oh OP your story sounds so familiar to so many on here (and my own).

Take your time, sort out finances and give the kids lots of cuddles. You will get through this.

You don't have to speak to your husband. I'd advocate that you have as little communication as possible.
He's an utter shit and has obviously decided he is going to leave - keep your pride in tact (you really will regret it if you dont).

Hope tonight goes well.

Remember this isn't your fault no matter how much he tries to convince himself. He is the lier and the cheat.

Unfortunately it's likely that things will get worse yet.

Hold on in there.

percy1979 · 13/03/2018 20:07

He’s refusing to leave the family home apart from one night at his mum’s last night, so I do have to talk to him unfortunately. He got back exactly 1 min past 8, shut the door loudly so both kids came running downstairs.... FFS

OP posts:
GrabbyMcGrabby · 13/03/2018 22:41

I would find it very difficult in yiur shoes, but you need to keep your cool. As I said before, keep your cards close to your chest. He's completely untrustworthy, but don't let him know you think that.

If he wants to remain at home for the time being then limit your time together. Get him to look after the kids every other night and go and do something for yourself. I bet he will change his mind soon enough about living arrangements.

FlowersFlowersFlowers

vanessafinesse · 14/03/2018 01:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GeekyWombat · 14/03/2018 02:35

vanessafinesse Do you really think shilling your shitty company on thread after thread is going to get people to contact you? It literally shows you have no compassion for the sort of people who might need your services. You should be ashamed. Post reported.

GirlDownUnder · 14/03/2018 03:03

vanessafinesse are you for real! Biscuit

percy1979 he sounds like an arse. So sorry you are going through this.
If you really think you want to try to save your marriage, the best thing you can do is stop.
Stop trying to be a couple.
Stop being a friend.
Stop anything you do for him within the family ie cooking, washing, etc. He needs to see you are strong enough without him, and that whilst he has made a decision, you will action it.
Show no fear.

So, so hard tho Flowers. Hopefully if you do the above for long enough, you'll actually find that its your decision and not his.

Hope you're OK.

Kitty175 · 15/03/2018 10:32

Percy1979 how are you today?

MammieBear · 15/03/2018 10:35

How horrible, poor you. Your doing the right thing talking about it, much better than to bottle it up. Flowers

Picklepickle123 · 15/03/2018 10:40

Thinking of you today OP x

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