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Just discovered my husband is having an affair

75 replies

percy1979 · 12/03/2018 00:07

No idea what to do - still in shock. Looked at my husband’s laptop screen while he was giving kids a bath to find a whole stream of messages to a woman. I’ve been ill all weekend so spent all of Mother’s Day in bed. Waited until kids were in bed and then confronted him. He met her 3 weeks ago on a very drunken night out with his brother, had a one night stand and then stayed in touch. His mum has known about it since then.
He’s just started a new job and asked about going to a conference next week, I’ve now found out that this woman is also going (not to conference just to see him) and staying with him in his hotel room. I feel like such a mug - I had encouraged him to stay the extra night at the conference and make the most of networking opportunities. Ha!!

Marriage hasn’t been great for a while, but I’m in shock that he would take the step of a one night stand, and even more that he would carry on plotting and talking about me to her, and send her pictures of our children.

No idea what my next steps are - he says he doesn’t want to fight, didn’t want to hurt me, is relieved that it’s out in the open. He thinks us separating was inevitable and that this was bound to happen sooner or later.

I’m deviated for my children. I can not afford to stay where we live on my teacher’s salary, so will have to move them out of their school and away from their friends.

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percy1979 · 12/03/2018 06:29

His messages to her already say how much he loves her (after 16 hours together) and how he would never hurt her or shout at her (like he does to me). She is already divorced and has a little girl. He seems to want to dive straight into someone else’s family.
Things have been bad, but I was hoping everything would get better with his new job and children getting older etc. He can’t understand why I’m surprised his “fling” he happened, and says I’m responsible.

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Runningissimple · 12/03/2018 06:30

I'm so sorry this has happened, he sounds like a shit.

There's no rush, so take things slow. You have some massive decisions to make and you want to make them with a clear head. He may well be in a rush to get out of the marriage but he doesn't get to decide how fast that happens. It's a huge process and it takes time.

If you're married you both own 50% of everything - legally, there's no separation of property. I imagine you might be entitled to some of his inheritance, so it might be worth finding out.

Solicitors cost a fortune and it's only worth going down that route if you stand to lose a fortune (the financial ability to own your house for example).

It's a hell of a journey but you will survive and be stronger for it. He's a selfish prick. Flowers

VileyRose · 12/03/2018 06:34

:( big hugs.

I don't agree with time healing it or giving people a chance. You deserve to be loved whole heartedly and this is more than a fling especially as he is using the word love. Sounds like he wants best of both.

Have your space and get rid of him.

MyBoysAndI · 12/03/2018 06:37

STBXH was the same - didn't want to try and work it out. Had met the love of his life etc. So instead of doing the pick me dance and falling apart - l got tough.

Straight away we alternated EOW and half of school holidays. Oh the shock on his face that he wasn't going to be able to skip off into single life.

percy1979 · 12/03/2018 06:39

He kept saying last night “I was going to tell you” and blamed me for looking at his computer screen. Seeing as it’s already been going on for 3 weeks, and he spent Friday plotting to meet her next week while at his conference, I’m not quite sure when he was planning to tell me!! The deceit and on-going messaging upsets more than just the very drunken one night stand. This is calculated and planned. He’s sent her screen shots of my text saying “why not stay another night at the conference, make the most of it.” And they’ve both had a giggle at that. He’s made me such a fool.
I now totally get that Emma Thompson scene in Love Actually

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MyBoysAndI · 12/03/2018 06:39

You will need to both fill in a Form E so start gathering evidence. The biggest thing to get sorted now for you both is too getva CETV for your pensions. Public sector can take 4 months to arrive.

percy1979 · 12/03/2018 06:41

What’s a CETV? Isn’t payslip showing pension contributions to date enough info?
He’s going to work today but I’m staying at home so will scan all the docs we have on finances.

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MyBoysAndI · 12/03/2018 06:44

Take copies of those messages. Read them when you start doubting if separating is the right thing.

My STBXH tried to leave me with nothing by drawing up a seperation agreement. Silly man really thought l'd fall apart and he could walk all over me.

As much as it's hard he and his family are not your friend's. Don't trust them, don't be fooled by them. Get legal advise and stay strong.

I'm in East Midlands if need recommendations for a solicitor

Thisismyusernamefornow · 12/03/2018 06:46

My ex partner started an affair last January. She was pregnant by March. I found out in June. I left him August. We had been together for 9 years and have two children ages 4&7.

I can’t say it’s been easy and I’ve been through every emotion possible. I have moved out of our family home and he’s moved his girlfriend in. Financially it’s been VERY difficult and a complete change for me. I’ve gone back to work after being a SAHM for 8 years and pretty much all of my money has gone on rent for the time being. However my peace of mind and mental health has improved 100%.

My children are managing very well and so far are much happier having two families than one dysfunctional one.

I have been through all the emotions. Started angry and had days I would cry from dusk until dawn. But it does get easier.

Solicitors are ridiculously expensive. I’ve had basic advice from a friend of a friend and made use of three seperate free hours but with soliciters (most offer this). Make sure you have all your facts and figures in order and maybe try one of these. The solicitor I’ve chosen to use is £240 + vat an hour to give you an idea. mediation is much cheaper and probably an option for you.

You will find strength you didn’t know you had and with the help of friends get beyond this.

Try not to think about other people knowing (his mum for example). Your ego will do your thinking here and it won’t be pretty. It doesn’t matter who did or didn’t know - anybody that matters will be there for you. You will continue to feel betrayed but you will get through this. Be kind to yourself and take your time.

Get him out of the house and out of your head.

MyBoysAndI · 12/03/2018 06:46

No it's not. A CETV shows what yr pension is worth. Very different to the info on payslips

pleasepassthevino · 12/03/2018 06:50

CETV is the cash equivalent transfer value I will show the overall value of the pension. Your payslip will probably not show the employers contributions. You will need to request and as a previous poster said it can take bloody ages.

Sorry to read your post OP. Thanks

MaverickSnoopy · 12/03/2018 07:07

Ah yes your DH is in the throws of true love. All 3 week relationships last a lifetime. Of course some do. But really? He's spent a 16 hours with her and is in love and they're going to live happily ever after. More like he's jumping ship, will move in with her and will realise that he doesn't know her (more likely she will realise who he is) and it won't last 6 months. Karma will get him...or a reality check.

I hear that you would be willing to work through it. He's not. You have to hear that. You want someone who wants you or someone who wants to make it work with you. He just doesn't. For this alone he is not good enough for you. The affair. He's definitely not good enough for you.

It's easy for all of us to say when we are not you, but you will build a better and happier life and one day you will be so glad you did.

Now it's time to get your ducks in a row and get him out as fast as you can.

percy1979 · 12/03/2018 07:45

Husband has just left for work and is staying at his mum’s tonight. I’ve been ill all weekend so not going to work today. Once I’ve got the children to school I’ve got the following on my to-do list:-

  • Photocopy all financial/mortgage documents I can find
  • Phone Citizens Advice
  • Drink tea with my best friend
  • hold it together while children are here

Any other urgent things I should do?
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MrsBertBibby · 12/03/2018 07:47

If you don't want to divorce, and you don't want him out, you don't have to do anything.

By all means see a solicitor, but he clearly wants you to execute your marriage, rather than doing it himself. You don't have to do what he clearly wants you to do.

MrsBertBibby · 12/03/2018 07:50

And don't go skipping into a solicitor's office with his documents, or copies of them. You aren't entitled to misuse his personal papers (nor he yours) and the solicitor will just have to send the copies back to him.

I know Mumsnet Lore is that you immediately rifle his filing cabinet, but the real law doesn't countenance that crap, and neither should a solicitor.

percy1979 · 12/03/2018 07:51

Thanks MrsBertBibby. I don’t want to rush into anything, but also don’t want to not do something now and then all the documents mysteriously disappear. I still feel ill, and still in shock, so today is not a day for decisions. Information gathering will hopefully be useful and help me feel more in control.

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percy1979 · 12/03/2018 07:52

Almost everything is in joint names, but he’s the one who receives all the online statements etc. He only has one account and one credit card in his own name, and those only have online statements so nothing to find. He’s very protective of his laptop password so no way i’ll get that info

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CremeFresh · 12/03/2018 08:02

I'm so sorry Op, this is a big shock and you're obviously reeling from it . For what it's worth, apart from gathering all Finacial documents and securing money for yourself, I would sit tight for a while. Let this sink in , gather your strength and try and work out what you want. Knee jerk reactions, whilst understandable, are not always the best way to go. This is huge for you and so needs careful thought and planning.

crimsonlake · 12/03/2018 08:15

You sound very brave and are thinking of doing all the right things.
It is a very emotional time and certainly not the time to be making huge decisions about finances and your future whilst your head is all over the place.
First thing is to go through all your financial bits, make copies of everything, make copies of every single thing of his that you can find, including any online accounts that he has that you may have the passwords for. At the start they may say they will be fair and even generous but this tends to wear off as the guilt lessens.
As for solicitors I do not think there is any rush to make any decisions regarding divorce asap. However after photocopying every single thing make time to ring around and ask for a free half hour initial consultation lots do this. It would be worth seeing more than one to get lots of advice. Also look to the government funded Wikivorce divorce website where you will get great support and advice from people who have been and are going through the same thing as yourself.
Try and look after yourself, eat what you can and whatever you feel like. Seek the support of friends and family, you have a very long road ahead.

NWQM · 12/03/2018 08:55

Your to do list sounds perfect. Might add eat something healthy - hungry or not. Sending a virtual hug

VileyRose · 12/03/2018 10:00

Be kind to yourself. It a ok to fall down occasionally x

percy1979 · 12/03/2018 12:21

Have been reading up on Citizens Advice website - if I want to divorce him on grounds of adultery I need to do that within 6 months of finding out. Otherwise, I can go for Unreasonable Behaviour which doesn’t have the same 6 month window to deal with.

Will it make any difference to outcomes if Adultery is the reason rather than unreasonable behaviour?

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OutyMcOutface · 12/03/2018 12:27

It sounds like he’s made up his mind. Get legal advice and then tell him that he has to leave. Make him an offer that he can’t refuse back up with the threat of a long and painful divorce through the courts if he doesn’t agree to your settlement figure. It would be better for him to leave and give you more of the assets than to fight it out in court.

Manaskingforadvice · 12/03/2018 12:32

The problem Percy1979 has got is that her husband has betrayed her and jeopardised their marriage in the most appalling way. But despite that she doesn't actually want to break up her family. I think that everyone immediately talking about how she should be running around gathering up the paperwork and talking to solicitors about how much she can get is very premature. She wants to try to save the marriage first. Divorce isn't a decision to be made in high emotion. It will affect everything forever.
In my opinion this intense societal pressure - he/she shagged someone else so take them to the cleaners - is why so many of our children are growing up in broken homes.
Let me also say, and I know we rightly have no sympathy for her DH, that he may also be in shock here. Are we sure he's making rational decisions now that he won't regret later?
Give her a chance to try to save her family. And let's hear from some people whose marriages got into trouble and who managed to actually save them.

Beanteam · 12/03/2018 12:34

If you move away will DCs be able to do 50:50 ? If he starts new life with OW it might suit him to spend little time with them. He might start new family, pushing the DCs out of his life, not good for them in the long run. You didn’t like alternating as a child but would you have been ok with losing relationship with your DF.
On another point as his relative died whilst you were married I think you are entitled to half of what he inherits. You need to see a solicitor soon.

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