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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

I cannot picture a family life with the wife.

26 replies

wannabeedad · 05/01/2018 10:36

Hi.
I am recently married and previously I told the wife that I would want to have kids but she said she didn't, and I said this was fine.
As we moved closer to the wedding she was saying that if we wanted kids we probably should start to think about things. This gave me hope that she was starting to think about kids.
Now she is not sure what she wants, but now we are married I have suddenly started to really want kids.

The wife says that she is afraid to be a parent because she thinks she would not be able to cope and this would then affect the child.
This rings true to me as my own mum could not cope mentally with it all and I had a tough childhood, and I would not want this for my children.

I love the wife, but she is very insecure and can get quite depressed, struggles with work and has very few friends. This is hard for me too, and then I am not sure if she could handle having children.

We are trying to make positive steps at the moment to help her confidence, but I cannot picture a happy family life with her in the future.

Is there anyone else who was fearful about having children but did it anyway?
How has the relationship been with your children and with your partner since?
Any advice to a women who is scared about having children?
Should I be considering leaving my wife because I cannot picture a family life with her?

Thanks in advance all!
x

OP posts:
TeddyIsaHe · 05/01/2018 10:38

Stop calling her the wife.

Did you not think about all this BEFORE you got married? Would have done you both a favour if you’d sat down and actually talked it through properly.

Passmethecrisps · 05/01/2018 10:47

Annoying. I just lost a massive post. I will paraphrase.

Did you tell her you were ok without children when you got married? I can understand that people change their minds but this is not something to be compromised on and a sit is you who have changed your mind it is your issue rather than hers

You talk about her as a mother and your own mother. What about you as a Dad. You understand that you have a role there? Could you do it 100% on your own? Would you know how to support a depressed Mum?

The way your refer to your wife - an autonomous human being - is jarring although I accept it may not have been intended. Think about what you could do now to improve her self-esteem and make her happier and less about making her a baby making vessel

Original poster
wannabeedad · 05/01/2018 10:56

Thanks Teddy/Crisps,
I am calling her the wife to keep things anonymous.
I think previously I was trying to put her feelings first on the matter, but now I am thinking about my own.
I would be 100% committed to being a dad. Even prepared to stay at home (the wife earns more but then she doesn't like the job).
I have consistently tried to increase her self esteem, but this is hard on me. If she were to struggle with being a mum, I don't know how I could support her other than just helping with the tasks and a hug here and there.

OP posts:
Eolian · 05/01/2018 11:02

I think previous posters meant it would be more normal/respectful to say 'my wife' rather than 'THE wife' (which us a bit weird and impersonal), not that you should use her actual name!

You say that she originally said she didn't want kids and you said that was fine. It woild be unfair and unwise to try to persuade her to have them if she doesn't want to and feels she wouldn't cope.

PetraStrorm · 05/01/2018 11:02

You could call her 'my wife' or DW. Both are quicker to type than 'the wife' and make her sound slightly more like an actual human being and not some kind of appliance.

Passmethecrisps · 05/01/2018 11:06

You need to talk to her openly and honestly. It is a really rough situation to be in as there is no middle ground. You can’t force her to bear children

Original poster
wannabeedad · 05/01/2018 11:10

the wife, the old man, the mrs, it's just a bit of slang, please stop reading in to this.

I appreciate that I may have changed my feelings on this, but I was hoping others may have been in a similar position to MY wife/us.

OP posts:
GingerbreadMa · 05/01/2018 11:11

Shes not a project for you to patch up and fix so shes good enough to mother kids. No wonder shes reluctant
And "the wife" Hmm

Original poster
wannabeedad · 05/01/2018 11:13

Thanks crisps. We have started to talk about things, but it is all a bit grey at the moment for us both.

OP posts:
Passmethecrisps · 05/01/2018 11:15

What are you looking for people to say? Would you like permission to leave her? No one on the internet is going to be able to absolve you of any guilt or responsibility you may feel.

Certainly no one is going to say “I had a child I didn’t want and it was fine - go ahead and force her”

You need to tell her that having children has become a priority for you and take responsibility for what happens after that. I feel terribly sorry for her - the goalposts of her life have changed significantly

GingerbreadMa · 05/01/2018 11:16

Your language talks about her like shes some kinda broken or half-wife
Doesnt sound like a good relationship to add kids to...

GingerbreadMa · 05/01/2018 11:17

Like shes a "fixer-upper"
Being treated like this contributes to MH issues it doesnt help

Original poster
wannabeedad · 05/01/2018 11:17

Thanks GingerbreadMa.
I don't think I am the cause of the wife's reluctance!
She is insecure anyway, I want her to be happy but at the moment her anxieties in life are getting me down too.
I then want to have children now, where part of her wants to too, but she is concerned she will be a bad mother.
I want to know if it is possible she can overcome her fears of parenting, and if I can help with this. This is by no means a 'project'.

OP posts:
Passmethecrisps · 05/01/2018 11:20

Genuinely, you will get more sympathetic responses if you change the way you refer to her. ‘My wife’ is more respectful and uses fewer characters. MN also uses shorthand DW - darling wife (sounds terrible but everyone understands it)

TrojansAreSmegheads · 05/01/2018 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GingerbreadMa · 05/01/2018 11:24

"I want to know if it is possible she can overcome her fears of parenting, and if I can help with this. This is by no means a 'project'."

Hmm Just because someone fears something doesnt mean theyre wrong Lots of people DONT cope well with having children, and if shes finding coping hard now she is entirely justified to not want to add a huge exacerbator of stress and anxiety to the mix!
UnitedKungdom · 05/01/2018 11:28

Sge would have to carry and give birth to the child so you really really need her to be on board. Pregnancy and recovery and newborns can really test a woman's mental health even when she's very well and strong, so keep in mind that that 28mths or so will be very physically and mentally hard on her no matter what you do. Beyond that I think you could be the primary carer and let her have a relatively normal life as the fathers usually seem to get away with😅 But it's not something I'd push her too hard to do considering how tough being a parent actually is.

You've changed your mind. It happens. I'd try to get her good support externally regardless of the kids issue (regular counselling etc) and see if she is in a stronger place in a few years. Also talk talk talk about what she'd need in order to consider this. And you need to be very bloody honest about what you're willing to do and actually do it. But just make the right noises then dump her in it when baby arrives which is what most men do no matter what their good intentions were.

UnitedKungdom · 05/01/2018 11:29

I meant first 28 mths...9 mths pregnancy and 9 mths till baby is a bit less dependent.

UnitedKungdom · 05/01/2018 11:30

But just = don't just

GingerbreadMa · 05/01/2018 11:32

Carrying & having kids is more likely to magnify existing physical/mental health and relationship/family problems than fix them. In fact it rarely if ever fixes pre existing issues/problems. Some people cope, some get worse.

Tattybear16 · 05/01/2018 11:46

You are recently married, but you don’t say how recent. Stop trying to run before you can walk. Enjoy each other as a couple. Take the pressure off and just enjoy married life together for now. Go places together, explore the world. The behaviours you are exhibiting are putting pressure on your DW even if you aren’t using the words, she’s picking up on your feelings. Having kids won’t fix any problems, and you are probably feeding those insecurities and affecting her mental health even if you don’t mean to be. You want her to be happy, well start doing and saying things that will help that. Less about you, more about you both. Good luck for the future.

Original poster
wannabeedad · 05/01/2018 12:08

I know at the moment I just need to focus on the relationship. But right now I want a family life which I cannot picture with her, and so it is hard to focus on the relationship.

OP posts:
GingerbreadMa · 05/01/2018 12:20

Either leave if you dont see a future with her or stay and appreciate what youve got, but dont stay if youre going to be constantly simmering under the surface because shes not exactly 100% the wife you want her to be

Dont stay with the expectation that she will somehow be more like your ideal wife in a couple of years down the line. Stay if you value her as "enough" just as she is right now.

GingerbreadMa · 05/01/2018 12:24

But if you do go dont dare blame her "failings"
If kids are a deal breaker for you you should have thought about harder about it BEFORE getting married. It doesnt sound like she moved any goal posts so the split is on you if it happens.

AnaWinter · 05/01/2018 12:45

I think posters are being a bit harsh. The reverse situation often comes up on here and the wife in the situation is told to leave. If your wife does not want children and never will and you do that is a massive deal breaker. You cannot compromise on something so big. It is unfair of you to project your feelings about your mother on to her however. You knew what she was like before you married. You mention you had a bad upbringing and I truely empathise and sympathise with that. There is nothing more damaging to a child than a toxic mother. You both need counselling whatever you decide. Good luck.

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