First court appearance tomorrow

[Stinkbomb]

H left me almost 2 years ago, but until I found out he was seeing another woman (also married, and a friend of mine) I was hoping there was still a chance for us.
Once I found out, asked for a divorce and got the decree nisi through this time last year.
Anyway, all this time later we are finally going to court for the financial order tomorrow.
I know this will just be an initial meeting but does anyone have any ideas what to expect?
And what should I wear? Do I need to be really smart, or will smart/casual be ok? I know it shouldn’t be important but it’s about confidence and feeling comfortable.
Thanks for any help or advice.

Hi OP. I've walked this mile. First directions is basically to work out where everybody stands, ensure that what needs to happen is set out in an order, for example, your financial disclosure and what you both need to produce. Mine was only about half an hour or so. I have always dressed smartly for court, think tailored trousers, fitted sweater/blouse, heels. So I would say smart/casual is what you are aiming for. Make sure you have all information to hand. I started a folder with everything set out with dividers. However, we had had failed mediation beforehand so there was a lot of partial disclosure etc. It is intimidating, but you soon realise that the court is there to ensure that there is fairness and transparency. Good luck!

Does everyone have to go to court for the finances?

Thank you so much.
We have exchanged our financial disclosures, and the statements and questionnaires- I went to mediation but he wasn’t invited because he’d already said a flat no to my/my solicitor’s initial settlement suggestion, no offer to compromise or counter-offer so my solicitor & the mediator agreed that mediation was unlikely to work.
Do I mainly let my solicitor do the talking? Or do I need to start a list of questions?

Oh if you're represented, leave it to your solicitor. Get there a good hour before (at least I would) so that you can go through things with the sol. Your questionnaire should cover all questions so I would hope solicitor has done this. I imagine your ex will be ordered to respond to that within a strict timeframe and indeed the Judge will decide if there are any questions that are irrelevant/unnecessary.

WasDoingFine No absolutely not. If you can come to a settlement via solicitors/mediation then that's fine. A consent order is drawn up and sent to the court to be stamped. However, unfortunately, it's sometimes not possible, particularly if you have an uncooperative other party (as in my case and OP's it seems). I really had no choice in the end. It was the best thing though.

Thank you so much - yes, uncooperative is definitely the word.
Thanks - fingers crossed for tomorrow!

Quite often the case, unfortunately. I am so glad I went through court though. It takes away all the shit they try to pull! I am so sorry you're having to go through this. The pain of discovering and dealing with an affair is horrific enough without them then dragging stuff out rather than let you get on with your life.

I wish you lots of luck for tomorrow, do post and let us know how you got on won't you?

I will, thanks xx

TheFormidableMrsC - many thanks. Sorry about hijacking your thread OP.

WasDoingFine Don't apologise, quite often these threads throw up some useful information and when others post their own experiences, it's helpful to everybody!

There is an excellent book that I used when I was starting out on this process. It's currently unavailable on Amazon, it seems, but I am sure it can be found somewhere! It sets out the process in laymans terms and I found it really useful. Also the Wikivorce site.

www.amazon.co.uk/Family-Law-Made-Simple-Separation/dp/1922178268/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=family+law+made+simple&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1511776263&sr=8-2

I hope you can get your situation settled without court.

Good luck today OP, thinking of you.

Thankyou 😊. Stbxh and l are at the stage of agreeing finances. I have sent my proposal and he has sent a counter one. If we don't go to court as we agree on the contents, how long can it take for a judge to sign it off?

WasDoingFine It really depends on the court. Some are much much busier than others. I would ring your local one and ask. I would have thought you'd have an order in place within around 6 weeks.

That's what l was thinking. Stbx was stalling and l said if he doesnt hurry up (considering l have been accused several times of delaying matters ) then we run the risk of my mortgage agreement running out. Especially as the court order can take at leastca month. He didn't see why it had to go to court and thought the solicitors just signed it off

No. He needs to get his arse in gear.

Well that was a horrendous experience. Start off his barrister was very aggressive and threatened my solicitor with contempt.
We made an offer to settle but he said no, in fact everything my solicitor tried to discuss before hand was shot down, and he was barely able to get a word in thanks to the barrister.
The judge seemed quite fair though, and I'm just hoping that stbxh makes a settlement offer before the FDR stage.
In the mean time I have a 30-odd question questionnaire to go through.
So wish we hadn't got to this point, but he been very stubborn and not very nice so this was the only way.

Unusual I would say for either party to be represented by a barrister at the FDA.

Oh no! I am so sorry to read this. On what basis did he threaten with contempt and I hope the sol brought that up before the judge! The Judge will have seen this all before, I promise you. Christ, they can be so stupid. Without knowing the background to your situation, sit tight, answer the questions as best you can. What about your questionnaire? Honestly, it really is the only way sometimes, especially when you have somebody so hell bent on being difficult. Keep on keeping on OP. Also, do keep posting, it helps! Leave the questionnaire for tonight and try and relax. Court takes it out of you physically and emotionally

I agree crimson. Totally OTT and reserved for FH in my opinion!

Exactly my thoughts, someone has money to waste at this stage. or been badly advised.

Are you both local to the court? My ex turned up to FDA with a (very aggressive) barrister, my solicitor said it was probably because barristers charge for the job whereas solicitors charge, in general, by the hour. If ex had been represented by his solicitor he’d had have had to pay 5 - 6 hours travel as well as the time in court. I also made an offer to settle at FA, he refused even though the judge said it was a very fair offer. We settled at FDA and I came out with a much better settlement than my offer so I was very happy! It’s a hideous time but it will end, I wish we could have settled out of court but my ex was uncooperative throughout.

Crimson Or indeed feels that the way to conduct themselves is by intimidating the OP. Silly sod.

oldfatandtired Glad to hear you got a good settlement. It really doesn't have to be difficult. Really, there is no other option in some cases as we've all shown here!

It really did smack of bullying tactics to begin with.
To date, his legal advice has been from a family member who, although a practicing family lawyer, wasn't able to represent him, prob due to employer.
We are both local to the court, the barrister is from a big city, a couple of hundred miles away.
Barrister seemed way OTT, cost them loads too.
Thank you for the support xxx

The contempt was about some procedural thing that I'm not sure about, but judge seemed to take a balanced view.
Questionnaire seems very involved, going into an awful lot of detail about my purchases and transactions.

It IS bullying tactics and a family member would be a conflict of interest. Interesting that he's going to such lengths. Is he hiding things? Is it a high value settlement? It would have cost a couple of grand today I would have thought.

Questionnaires can be, unfortunately. I had to drop my standards of buying quite significantly due to my husband's total abandonment of me and the children. I recall receiving a spreadsheet of all my purchases at Aldi, for God's sake, and specifically where I have bought wine or anything perceived as a luxury. It was hugely upsetting as ex and OW were off on holidays, buying expensive underwear, flying lessons, a new bed for several thousand etc and he was arguing about me buying clothes for our then 2 year old in Matalan. They are merciless when it comes to money and it brings the worst out in people. My situation was complicated, but my ex-husband's outrageous behaviour and his amazing tactic of declaring in court he was going to go bankrupt meant I got 100% and he walked away with zero. That was a lovely feeling!

Barrister did cost them loads, then dared to bring up costs at the end of the hearing! So pleased the judge gave it no consideration and me sol didn't even need to speak for me!
It seems insane - not high value really, but enough to me!
Don't want to go into anything more detail on here, sure you understand