Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Maintenance reduction when children become adults

36 replies

Mrskeats · 12/10/2017 19:29

Just checking out what other people have experienced in this situation
When your children turned 18 or went to uni etc did your ex immediately reduce CM or not?
I have a friend who thinks her ex is being unreasonable to do this even though their agreement states this would happen. She is also moaning about loss of tax credits and child ben for the oldest.
I think well you knew this was coming so downsize/get more hours at work etc
interested in what others think?

OP posts:
HotelEuphoria · 12/10/2017 19:31

But when the child goes to university she isn't supporting them anymore, they either live away from home or use their maintence loan, p/t job etc to pay board to mum.

The child is now an adult so has to step up and support themselves.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 12/10/2017 19:35

Exactly what I said hotel
Oh and the ex is helping child at uni directly too btw

OP posts:
Angrybird123 · 12/10/2017 22:14

My (together) parents supported me massively through uni despite me working 3 jobs and taking loans. I can't imagine at 18 my two kids are going to be economically independent. I already work full time and do all I can for them financially. I would expect their NRP dad to continue to help them in thec Same way I will. I (and your friend) will still maintain a house for them to come back too..I assume she isn't immediately downsizing so yes I think some form of maintenance should continue.

RaininSummer · 12/10/2017 22:35

My ex stopped giving me the money but did help the children out instead.

sooperdooper · 12/10/2017 22:38

Depends if the ex is going to suppprt their dc directly through uni but there's no reason at all he should give her any maintenance once they're 18

Original poster
Mrskeats · 12/10/2017 22:44

yes he supports the uni child who also gets maximum loan

OP posts:
MycatsaPirate · 12/10/2017 22:46

No way should maintenance be paid to the parent once the child is an adult. Either support the child directly or stop the money.

My oldest is 19, at university. She lives away from home. I still pay for her mobile phone bill and I have just helped with buying her a car as her old one failed it's MOT so badly it is only fit for the scrapheap.

It's my choice to do that. She doesn't expect it. Her dad stopped paying maintenance when she was 16 despite her being in full time education until 18.

We are in danger of having a generation of adults who expect their parents to pay for everything and do everything for them, despite them being adults themselves.

Yes, help them out if they are stuck (she needs a car, so I helped her, I paid half) but on a day to day basis I expect her to budget her loan, make sure she has sufficient money put away to pay for accommodation and her car insurance renewal and it's really only dire emergencies that I stick my hand in my pocket.

Sounds harsh but when I hear some of the stuff she tells me about girls in her Halls who are third year students and their parents are still paying for everything, including all their food and they have no idea how to cook the bloody food, I wonder who is doing things right.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 13/10/2017 00:19

Thanks mycats you have summed quite a lot of it up there
I think my friend feels hard done by even though she has a house fully paid for from the divorce etc. No idea why really

OP posts:
7Seas · 13/10/2017 00:49

The father can choose to support the adult child direct once he or she is 18. No need to pay the ex after that age.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 13/10/2017 10:56

yep 7 that’s what me and my ex did for our eldest

OP posts:
MargoLovebutter · 13/10/2017 11:07

I know my ex cannot wait to stop contributing as soon as DS goes to uni. He doesn't see it as supporting our children, he sees it as some kind of payment to me and resents every penny of it. He is really well off but is so tight-fisted and seems to think that he will 'punish' me (for his affair & leaving us I should add) via the DCs.

I get the rationale for maintenance stopping when they are off to uni/into work and think it is reasonable & understandable but supporting DCs doesn't end there & given ex-H has done bugger all on a practical level and I've had to fight him for every penny, I can't help feeling sometimes it would be nice if he had to carry on for a bit longer. (and I do work full-time just to head of those who say I should be working more or not looking to him etc)

Runningissimple · 14/10/2017 09:19

I disagree. I think it depends on your family culture. University is really expensive. My ex was supported through university by his parents. In our family there's always been an expectation that all or kids would be supported through university. He can pay the money directly to the kids and not me but they do need parental support from both parents through uni and that was ABSOLUTELY the deal we had when we agreed to have them. The law as it stands was made in 1972 and needs updating...

PersianCatLady · 14/10/2017 09:36

OK- Where will your friend's child live while at uni?

If they are home the child can pay board out of their loan otherwise what does your friend expect money for, if the child is no longer living there?

Original poster
Mrskeats · 14/10/2017 11:31

The student is living away and the ex is contributing to that
My friend wants the maintainence paying to her still to cover her bills

OP posts:
VioletCharlotte · 14/10/2017 11:33

I've got a friend in this situation. He's stopped paying maintenance to his ex wife for his eldest now she's 18, but he is giving his daughter money to help support herself at uni as her maintenance loan only covers the accommodation. This seems pretty fair to me.

MyDcAreMarvel · 14/10/2017 11:39

Op her dd will still need a home during the holidays so those costs will not lower.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 14/10/2017 12:01

I know costs won't be lower in the holidays but their divorce settlement states maintenance till 18
Basically my friend doesn't want to downsize as was agreed in the divorce
She has enough equity to buy a house outright.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrskeats · 14/10/2017 12:02

I agree violet and that is what we've done as I've said

OP posts:
Runningissimple · 14/10/2017 13:34

Legally the child does have a financial claim (though rarely enforced). As long as the child is getting the financial support they need, the father seems to be behaving reasonably. If his ex wife can demonstrate that her "needs" require her to have more, she can make a claim in her own right. This is not easy to get though, especially if they've been divorced for some time.

Runningissimple · 14/10/2017 13:36

Maybe she can't downsize if the child needs a room in the holidays? You can't live in a smaller house for 2/3 of the year...

Runningissimple · 14/10/2017 13:49

Mrskeats It's a bit complicated. The divorce settlement will only make provision for children until they turn 18. That's the law, the law was made in 1972 when the world was very different. Lots of young people complete tertiary education now which essentially means they don't leave home till 21. The generous maintenance grants which were available to university students at that time no longer exist. What's more 18-21 can be a very expensive time so it feels weird that the the non resident parent can just back out of all financial responsibilities once their child leaves school.

In my situation it would feel like my children are being forced to shoulder a financial burden which is a direct consequence of the divorce. Their father earns over £150,000 but is not legally obligated by the divorce settlement to pay for his children at uni. In order to enforce payment, my kids would have to take him to court. Obviously that's not going to happen. His parents supported him through uni, our children have the expectation (created by both me and their father) that they will go to uni and so I think he needs to pay. He can downsize but I can't because they've got to have a home to come back to until they finish university.

Whether the money is paid to me or to them doesn't worry me. But one way or another, in the modern world, a parent's financial duties to a child don't usually end on their 18th birthday.

WitchesHatRim · 14/10/2017 13:54

People need to RTFT. He is supporting the DC directly.

The OPs friend want additionally money given to her.

Runningissimple · 14/10/2017 14:04

I've read the whole thread. I do understand why it's stressful for the friend. She's losing income and downsizing might not be immediately practical. One thing I've noticed in life is that it's always really easy to advise other people to downsize or work more hours. It's quite a hard thing to do. Hmm

MyDcAreMarvel · 14/10/2017 14:04

Witches but not to pay for her bedroom in the holidays or the extra bills at that time.

WitchesHatRim · 14/10/2017 14:07

Witches but not to pay for her bedroom in the holidays or the extra bills at that time.

Well it depends on how much he is paying the DC does it.

Nothing wrong in the friend asking for a contribution from the money from the DC when they are at home if the bills vary that much.

Swipe left for the next trending thread