Best schedule for 50/50 care

[lialiana]

Hi
So my (ex) partner and I are just in the process of separating. He's looking for a new place to live at the moment so we're thinking ahead to childcare. He wants 50/50 care of the children, ages 3.5 and 8, which is fine by me as we're quite amicable but I can't decide what the best schedule.
I feel like they need some stability so switching between houses every 2 or 3 days might be too much. We also want to make sure we alternate weekends.
I'm thinking maybe a week at each parent's house with a midweek overnight stay with the other parent? But I'd love to hear what has and hasn't worked for others with similar age children. Thank you.

I have no practical experience but my husband is pushing for same. My solicitor seems to think it is nonsense though. I'm unsure how practically it would work. EOW is what I thought was reasonable.

I should add I have one child who is 3

Hi. My divorce went through this year, I have dd 7 and ds 4. We have 50/50 written into our settlement. He has them from Sunday teatime until drop off at school weds. I pick them up weds and have them until sat morning or Sunday teatime. We alternate weekends. It is very hard, I would prefer they had one 'base' but it is of course great that their dad wants to be in their lives. He tried to fight me for full custody (for no reason I hasten to add) so I had to accept 50/50. It is not amicable at all but kids amazingly are doing ok. Xh is very angry. I think the changing over is hard. Maybe a week at a time would be better but our working patterns just don't allow it. I try not to book our time up too much when I have them and have plenty of lounging round the house time, esp now ds has started school and is shattered. Make sure school knows the routine.
Good luck x

There is also the 2255 which works well and might be better than weekly with midweek overnight stay for the younger child, also probably better for work schedules than week on week off but all depends on you preference and circumstances as to what works better for you both.

Other benefit of this schedule is all exchanges of the children are done through school in term time. So it can minimize contact with the ex if needed.

One parent has every Mon and Tues the other every Wed and Thurs and you alternate weekends from there. It works very well and gives the children a couple of days with each parent every week.

I have 2 sons, one of 18 and one of 8. The 18 yo sees his Dad now and again for fun stuff.

We have a court order in place for the 8 yo. It's 60/40 in my favour.
Every Tues and Fri with ex and every other w/e.

I hate it. Way too much here and there for DS, and very difficult for me as ex is still abusive.

I was so relieved to get something/anything in place that I didn't really think it through. Likelihood is that we end up back in court.

That's my worry is the shuttling around with a very young child. I've thought about Friday to Tuesday morning drop off at nursery every other week which I hope would provide a stable base for my daughter, and plenty of time for me to provide stability during the rest of the week. God it's a nightmare isn't it. I never thought my husband would want to put her through it. Where are the needs of the child considered in all this I wonder.

Other half wanted a 50:50 split, because it worked for their job but not mine. I won residence with them having every other weekend contact. Fast forward they now only have contact 3 times a year. Go figure.

I'm a dad who is about to split from ex.
We have agreed 50-50 which for us will be alternative weekend (fri- sun) and 2 days each in the week. We will live 2 miles apart so should be manageable.
We are not on good terms but I'm determined to make it work.
I worry what impact the constant moving will have on them but they need both parents in their life in a regular basis.

Do investigate transition and the impact it has on people, let along children. You will read on here great success stories of 50:50 - normally the parents are amicable and get on.

But family courts are increasingly awarding 50:50 in acrimonious situations. Men are demanding 50:50 to avoid paying maintenance as usually the mum has been the primary child carer and low or no waged.

A son of a work colleague is going to university - he has only had to do 50:50 for the last 2 years and he has just, quite bravely I think, told his mum that he hated having to move every week. His parents live in the same place so he could see his friends, there was no interruption to his school or work journey but the uprooting was very hard he told her. That was the dad insisting and relating to money. It's damaged his relationship with his dad. The parents didnt go to court so he had no say on the arrangement. I do wish these parents who are insisting on 50:50 would actually put the children first.

It's a tough one as we all want what's best but also we want to have the kids as much as possible !!

I'm on an American baby site and almost all custody cases now end in 50/50 from younger than 3.

Also I hate the phrase the father just wants it to cut CMS. I'd lean more to mothers not wanting it because they lose benefits.

Mine were DS12 and DD10 when I divorced. We had agreed 50/50 but no court order. I had both Thurs Fri and Sat, he had both Sun Mon and Tuesday while I worked nights. On Wednesday we had one each. Sounds horrendous but it worked for us. One advantage was on Wednesdays I had one-to-one time with either child, which we both enjoyed, and in hindsight was beneficial too for them.

I think just defaulting to a straight 50/50 split is generally people thinking more about the parents needs for fairness than the children's need for a sensible schedule. Think about your routines (work patterns etc) and their routines and try and come up with a plan that genuinely meets their needs.
Shuttling backwards and forwards is grim, but then so are long breaks from either parent.
A rigid insistence on precisely 50/50 always makes me think that at least one parent is incapable of putting their children's needs ahead their own personal "wants".

@LDNBEN a "regular basis" doesn't have to mean precisely 50/50 though does it? I think you're right to worry about the constant moving.

We do 2255 and have done since DD was 3 when we split,
Its good because during termtime it cuts out the need to see XH and him me.
Just be aware that whatever you decide even if its without a court order you are setting a precedent which is then very difficult to change if your ex doesn't agree

What is 2255?

I offered my ex every other weekend, every other Christmas and most of the school holidays (except 2 weeks in summer). He is moving hundreds of miles away and thinks I'm being selfish in not allowing more

Our children are 13 and 3. He thinks they should do school in both locations 😡

Although it has changed slightly now (ex has met someone so doesn't have them as much ) we started off as 3 days for him, 4 with me. Thursday & Friday one week, Saturday and Sunday the next with a fixed Wednesday every week. It worked really well until he met his crazy jealous new girlfriend.
I hope to stay with current partner until forever, but if we did split this would be the best pattern for us. It works well without too much time apart and the kids got into the routine very quickly.

I think it both parents want it to work and are sensible, 50/50 can work.

Thanks for all the input everyone. I'm just wondering what 2255 is though?

2 days with mum 2 days with Dad. 5 days with mum 5 days with Dad.

During the 5 days you would have a tea or something with the other parent.

Slight change to the discussion but How would you stand if one parent decided that 50/50 is not working and they want more access ?
Can they do that?

Unless parents live close to each other and get on really well I dont see how 50:50 can work. A child needs 5 school nights in the same place so they can have a routine for homework, clubs, friends etc.

Ex and I have close to 50:50 but not quite - 8 days with me and 6 days with him every fortnight. DCs (5 & 7) are with him from Wed pick-up to Mon drop-off, then overnight on the following Wed (basically, overnight every Wed) so they don't go 8 days without seeing him. We also have brief Skype call every Mon & Fri with whichever parent isn't there. He'd fought aggressively for 50:50 and he's still not too pleased with what we have ended up with (which isn't much different from what I had offered in the first place). It works really well for dcs as there isn't too much chop and change, and they don't get confused about where they are when. We're not amicable (yet, I hope) at all but I overhear them saying to him on Skype that they'll see him on Wed. I think it works well for them that they know he picks up on Wednesdays, then they pretty much know (based on who they had last weekend with) if they'll be with him till the Monday morning or just overnight. We have always had all holidays equally shared and both live near their school (on opposite ends).

I must say I agree that they should have a base and don't believe 50:50 is right for very young children unless parents are very amicable, and hands-on.

Good luck.

Unless parents live close to each other and get on really well I dont see how 50:50 can work.

It does work. I know of couples that can't stand the sight of each other but have 50/50 and it works really well.

Children all happy with the arrangement.