He's taken the marital car & im STUCK! Help???

[HR0L]

Marriage has been awful for about a year - if not longer. I've come to realise that he's controlling, is impossible to talk to and anything serious or even funny! The communication is completely gone. He's been diagnosed with a heart condition recently that has spun him into some boring, old, miserable, self pitying, aggressive arse. It's not life threatening; the doctors have told him! We have two children aged 2 & 4.

So the pig has left me know saying he's rather be alone than with me. Ok! Not a problem, your doing me a favour.

But ... he's taken the 1 car we have. It's in his name.
He works in town where we live and has a work truck. I work out of town and my children attend nursery and NEW school out of town. It has always been my responsibility to fetch & carry them and have been the main user of the car since it was purchased. The stupid idiot has taken it and won't let me have it. I've been scrounging lifts to work and getting the kids to school this week (eldest kids 1st day at school on Monday) and about 15 mins before we were due to leave, he walked down the drive, got in the car and drove off. I've not seen it since.

It's so embarrassing asking people for lifts! TBH I cannot afford to buy a new one now I'm taking on the house myself. I've no savings.

Can he do this? How can I get it back? What oh god... can I do????

I just can't cope with this! Trying to be strong for my babies but I'm not sure I can hold out for much longer!

Public transport?

I've looked into it. Unfortunately, I live in a very rural area and the buses don't run at the times I need.

He's a bastard. Have you seen a solicitor? Was the car bought from joint funds?

I haven't had chance to get legal advice yet. But plan on doing asap. I was a stay at home when he bought it - I didn't have a penny. It was due to him refusing to give me any I went back to work. So in answer to your question no. But isn't it right that it's a marital possession, therefore half mine? I asked him if I could use it until I sorted an alternative; sure you can tell what the answer was

Can you buy something cheap on a credit card until you are straight and have sorted finances?

... or check out nearer schools in the short term?

In the longer term, you need to look into finance for buying another car, or to move house close to a school or better public transport links.

Yes. All options I'll explore along with the legal advice. I personally think he's just being selfish, I mean it's our daughters first week at school & he was well aware of the struggles ... but he's done it anyway

It is almost certainly cheaper to get a stopgap car than to try to resolve this any other way, even on credit.

What a prize prick.

What a nasty man! I'm truly gobsmacked about what he did on your little girls first day of school! Who the fuck does that?! It sounds as though he's getting pleasure from being spiteful to you all.

I'd probably try to get a really cheap runaround for now. Would that be an option at all?

And I definitely second the suggestion of getting legal advice too

Yes of course it's a marital asset. It matters not a jot whose money purchased it. If you were married when it was purchased then it's yours and his. However this doesn't help you practically. Because whilst it belongs to you both it means it's also his and he has currently got possession of it. Being a marital assets simply means it's value goes into the pot to be divided when you do the finances during the divorce. No help to you at this moment. Except to demonstrate that he wants to show you how unpleasant he can be.

Right now you need to get a car.
Can you get a small loan. ?
Is your credit ok ? Doesn't need to be perfect, mine certainly isn't. There are lots of Pcp deals out there on new and second hand cars where you pay a small deposit. and a low monthly cost. I have a new fiat 500 bought this way. £337 down and £129 a month.. is that doable ?

My advice is sort this yourself. Anyone who behaves like this is a selfish self absorbed twat. Looking to intentionally wind you up and show how he 'can take his things away' and make your life difficult. It's nasty controlling behaviour. Show him his spiteful nasty selfishness is irrelevant by sorting this yourself.

I live in a small rural village, and there is a voluntary service that people can use if they need lifts to and from hospital, or to railway stations.

It's obviously not a long term arrangement, but it might help you for a day or two?

I agree with others. Get your own set of wheels. He can't control you - or your kids- like this.

Cargo bike? There are some fabulous ones available with e-assist if you wish. I don't honk you might even be able to hire one in the short term.
If you are on Facebook there is a friendly group called Family Cycling UK. They'll have tons of advice.

Who's name is the insurance in? If it's you cancel it and text him that you have. .
Let him have the hassle of sorting it.

Have you got a spare key? Can you get legal advice on whether you could just go and collect the car?

What a horrible person!

My credit isn't great. But an avenue worth looking at. Thank you. Loan may be better. I'll do some investigating.

Insurance in his name... would have loved to cancel it. Just like he has today with all of the utility bills and rent 😡

He most definitely is getting a kick out of making me squirm " prize prick " is being waaaay too kind!

I think I'd feel better sorting this out myself instead of showing him I need something from him. He has all of the keys. I have today found all the documents for it so I'll hide those ready for court.

Man! What's with these guys that do this. Ffs man up. If your not happy move on. He's treating me like I've had an affair with his dad!! Which by the way... I haven't done anything for him to hate me this much. I've always been a very honest and faithful wife

He really sounds vile and spiteful. I'm so sorry he is behaving this way.

You'll definitely better sorting everything yourself and showing to him that you don't need any help from him. Also if you just don't react and then just sort things yourself it takes away his power and control over you.

I agree completely! As the days are going on I feel I don't want to show him any weakness! I'm a tough mother puker and he will not defeat me!

We have had no contact whatsoever since he left. He's not even attempted seeing his girls! Pathetic!! They've not asked after him, which has made it easier

My ex was exactly the same. Took my car despite having his own. Threatened to snatch the children. My then 12 yo son told him (off his own back) mum needs the car to go to work so she can get money for us but the arsehole wasn't interested.
Thankfully after a couple of days of advertising it for sale he put the keys through the letter box and I found it parked in a car park. Absolute bellend.
I am now happily divorced with a new car might I add. He is a sad bitter man.
You will be absolutely fine I can assure you. It may be hard to begin with but as soon as you gather yourself and get things switched to your name etc you will never need him again.
Sending you strength in a very un-mumsnetty way.

I assume you have done the practical stuff, like applied fot tax credits, child maintenance and council tax reduction?

My ex did this as well. Took the keys while I was asleep and didn't even tell me so I ransacked the house looking for them. Shows that you are well shot of him.

I hired a car as a temporary measure which really pissed him off as we still had joint finances then.

You can get PCP deals (hire purchase) for very little, like £99+ a month. Its worth considering if you can afford it as its a brand new car and worry free motoring. If you buy a banger theres always the worry of breakdowns and cost of repairs. I used to drive a gas guzzler before so the petrol savings of driving a smaller car were considerable.

Thanks for your replies and I'm appreciating all of your suggestions. It's actually giving me strength.

Un-mumsnetty way ... love it lol - thank you

Changed tax credits and get working tax credits.

Council tax is on my to do tomorrow.

I've looked into finance for a car this afternoon. It's all a bit daunting. Worried I'll get a crappy banger that I'll regret. Need to up my search for a newer one - stress free 👍🏻

The arsehole messaged me today - first contact since Sunday morning - "let me know very clearly when I can see the children" .... oh your alive are you!? Interested how your daughters few days at school where, are you!? .... feel like telling him to go fuck him self ... I I can't stop him seeing them ... I don't think I have the heart ... I don't want them to blame me ... he's not been there for them as much as I thought and hasn't ever really dug deep for them ... but I know he loves them and they are his world. I blame myself to a degree as I took it upon myself to show him 'I can manage' with the girls ... no wonder he never put the effort in. Oh I don't know ...

Don't be in a rush to start contact, unless you want a break, of course. If you want it, a nice restful calm weekend with your babies is perfectly in order. Or a nice break from them.

Let him stew. It's not like you haven't got other things to occupy your mental reserves than organising his future relationship with his kids he's spent all week fucking over.

What a grade A shit.

Please ask to speak to the school headteacher jn confidence ASAP. There will be sources of support they can put in place.