Ex husband leaves job and expects me to pay him maintenance. Help please.

[kakiqueen]

Dear All,
I am a long term mumsnet user and get lots of helpful advice from reading these threads. Please can someone help me with this?

My ex-husband and I are divorced (decree absolute May 16).
We have 2 children aged 9 and 11, whom we have equal care of (7 nights in each fortnight on a rolling schedule).
Until last week he had been paying me £180 a month maintenance as his salary was significantly higher than mine.
This was agreed in a family based arrangement through mediation and was signed by the courts when we divorced. I am in receipt of the child benefit.
In May he handed in his resignation without telling me(I found out through a mutual friend). He had a well paid job and resigned voluntarily without having a job to go to.

He has now emailed to tell me that he expects me to pay him maintenance as he claims he is now the receiving parent.

I told him that he left his job through his own choice and cannot expect me to suddenly pay for that.

His emails since Friday have become increasingly threatening, saying I am being unreasonable and causing a major problem that will impact negatively on the children. He says I am being disruptive and show no understanding for his situation.

He has a history of abusing me emotionally, calling me misogynistic words in front of our children, bullying behaviours and sarcastic language. I find it impossible to speak to him properly as he I find him threatening and intimidating.

I am terrified that I do owe him money now, even though I spoke to the Child Maintenance Options helpline, who told me that as I am in the receipt of child benefit, I am classed as the receiving parent, not him.
The adviser also said that if he were to lodge a claim via the CMS, he couldn't, as he's not in receipt of the child benefit. plus they would judge that neither of us owe the other maintenance, as the care in shared equally.
I am terrified he will try to wrangle the child benefit off me somehow.

In the context of the past emotional abuse, any goodwill I may have had towards him has evaporated. He has the ability to twist my reality.

He is remarried, but in the process of an acrimonious divorce from his 2nd wife after a very short marriage.
I live with my new partner and our children when they are with us.

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.
x

[kakiqueen]

Laurie... that thought did cross my mind but the fall out from it would not be worth it. I wish I were braver.

[RandomMess]

Completely delusional!!!

Is he actually good with the DC or did the 50:50 plan have an ulterior motive?

[kakiqueen]

RandomNess, he's a very 'fun' dad. He takes them cycling and swimming in rivers, but doesn't do any of the things auch as nit killing, homework, teeth brushing and so on.
Hesqyute overwhelming. For example, my daughter us getting a hamster from him for her birthday, but she's not allowed to name him a certain name, as he doesn't like it.
I hear his phrases and opinions coming out of their mouths and it's disconcerting.

[2boysDad]

I might not be popular for saying this but...

If you had 50/50 shared care then there was no reason for him to be paying you maintenance in the first place. Think how annoyed you would be to be paying him £180 pcm under the same circumstances?

Having said that, his response has been childish, self-destructive and not in the interest of your kids. How is he going to be able to afford to provide a house to in which host the children?

Perhaps you could suggest that he gets another job ASAP but after the end of the one year period neither of you will pay maintainence to the other. You could also share the child benefit with you both claiming for one child each.

You then have no financial dependence on each other which I would say is in your interest as much as his.

[Rainbowqueeen]

I get the impression he was paying you maintenance because you paid the non day to day expenses like uniform and activities rather than splitting them evenly, is that right.

Keep a record of all communications with him, commit to nothing and good luck with the lawyer

[kakiqueen]

Hi 2boysDad, the amount we agreed was voluntary and i do appreciate that he didn't have to pay, but was happy to do so.
I pay for more of the things such as uniforms and school expenses.

I have now consulted a solicitor and will be seeing her tomorrow to write a letter to my exH, saying that no maintenance is payable by either party.
This will give me the confidence to argue my case against him as he doesn't ever believe a word I say anyway.

Thank you all so much for your responses. They have really helped me through a few wobbly days!
x

[theredjellybean]

goodluck kakiqueen

i was so lucky we had a completely amicable split and never argued about money.
readingmumsnet makes me now realise just how lucky

[kakiqueen]

Jelly bean, thank you.
He is very difficult. Narcissistic and mean. You can't ever 'won't with someone like this, or have a reasonable discussion.
He's now making it sound like I am the one who is causing pain to our children by not supporting him. He's unbelievable.
X

[PixieChemist]

I'm pretty sure as he's remarried that means he's no longer eligible for spousal maintenance from you. Since he's quit his job he may be able to legally stop paying you spousal maintenance although I don't know for definite. If you're absolutely 100% sure it's exactly 50:50 then CMS can't make either of you pay spousal maintenance but even if there's only one day in it, say you have them 183 days a year and he has them 182 or vice versa then I think CMS can make whichever of you has them less pay the other but it would be at a rate of 4/7.

[PixieChemist]

Oh sorry I meant CMS can't make you pay child maintenance.

[PixieChemist]

Sorry that wasn't quite right. Here's the exact reductions for overnight.