Ex husband leaves job and expects me to pay him maintenance. Help please.

[kakiqueen]

Dear All,
I am a long term mumsnet user and get lots of helpful advice from reading these threads. Please can someone help me with this?

My ex-husband and I are divorced (decree absolute May 16).
We have 2 children aged 9 and 11, whom we have equal care of (7 nights in each fortnight on a rolling schedule).
Until last week he had been paying me £180 a month maintenance as his salary was significantly higher than mine.
This was agreed in a family based arrangement through mediation and was signed by the courts when we divorced. I am in receipt of the child benefit.
In May he handed in his resignation without telling me(I found out through a mutual friend). He had a well paid job and resigned voluntarily without having a job to go to.

He has now emailed to tell me that he expects me to pay him maintenance as he claims he is now the receiving parent.

I told him that he left his job through his own choice and cannot expect me to suddenly pay for that.

His emails since Friday have become increasingly threatening, saying I am being unreasonable and causing a major problem that will impact negatively on the children. He says I am being disruptive and show no understanding for his situation.

He has a history of abusing me emotionally, calling me misogynistic words in front of our children, bullying behaviours and sarcastic language. I find it impossible to speak to him properly as he I find him threatening and intimidating.

I am terrified that I do owe him money now, even though I spoke to the Child Maintenance Options helpline, who told me that as I am in the receipt of child benefit, I am classed as the receiving parent, not him.
The adviser also said that if he were to lodge a claim via the CMS, he couldn't, as he's not in receipt of the child benefit. plus they would judge that neither of us owe the other maintenance, as the care in shared equally.
I am terrified he will try to wrangle the child benefit off me somehow.

In the context of the past emotional abuse, any goodwill I may have had towards him has evaporated. He has the ability to twist my reality.

He is remarried, but in the process of an acrimonious divorce from his 2nd wife after a very short marriage.
I live with my new partner and our children when they are with us.

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.
x

[PixieChemist]

Sorry that wasn't quite right. Here's the exact reductions for overnight.

[PixieChemist]

Oh sorry I meant CMS can't make you pay child maintenance.

[PixieChemist]

I'm pretty sure as he's remarried that means he's no longer eligible for spousal maintenance from you. Since he's quit his job he may be able to legally stop paying you spousal maintenance although I don't know for definite. If you're absolutely 100% sure it's exactly 50:50 then CMS can't make either of you pay spousal maintenance but even if there's only one day in it, say you have them 183 days a year and he has them 182 or vice versa then I think CMS can make whichever of you has them less pay the other but it would be at a rate of 4/7.

[kakiqueen]

Jelly bean, thank you.
He is very difficult. Narcissistic and mean. You can't ever 'won't with someone like this, or have a reasonable discussion.
He's now making it sound like I am the one who is causing pain to our children by not supporting him. He's unbelievable.
X

[theredjellybean]

goodluck kakiqueen

i was so lucky we had a completely amicable split and never argued about money.
readingmumsnet makes me now realise just how lucky

[kakiqueen]

Hi 2boysDad, the amount we agreed was voluntary and i do appreciate that he didn't have to pay, but was happy to do so.
I pay for more of the things such as uniforms and school expenses.

I have now consulted a solicitor and will be seeing her tomorrow to write a letter to my exH, saying that no maintenance is payable by either party.
This will give me the confidence to argue my case against him as he doesn't ever believe a word I say anyway.

Thank you all so much for your responses. They have really helped me through a few wobbly days!
x

[Rainbowqueeen]

I get the impression he was paying you maintenance because you paid the non day to day expenses like uniform and activities rather than splitting them evenly, is that right.

Keep a record of all communications with him, commit to nothing and good luck with the lawyer

[2boysDad]

I might not be popular for saying this but...

If you had 50/50 shared care then there was no reason for him to be paying you maintenance in the first place. Think how annoyed you would be to be paying him £180 pcm under the same circumstances?

Having said that, his response has been childish, self-destructive and not in the interest of your kids. How is he going to be able to afford to provide a house to in which host the children?

Perhaps you could suggest that he gets another job ASAP but after the end of the one year period neither of you will pay maintainence to the other. You could also share the child benefit with you both claiming for one child each.

You then have no financial dependence on each other which I would say is in your interest as much as his.

[kakiqueen]

RandomNess, he's a very 'fun' dad. He takes them cycling and swimming in rivers, but doesn't do any of the things auch as nit killing, homework, teeth brushing and so on.
Hesqyute overwhelming. For example, my daughter us getting a hamster from him for her birthday, but she's not allowed to name him a certain name, as he doesn't like it.
I hear his phrases and opinions coming out of their mouths and it's disconcerting.

[RandomMess]

Completely delusional!!!

Is he actually good with the DC or did the 50:50 plan have an ulterior motive?

[kakiqueen]

Laurie... that thought did cross my mind but the fall out from it would not be worth it. I wish I were braver.

[LaurieFairyCake]

I'm not sure I'd be able to resist emailing :

"Perhaps you should pursue your latest wife for money?"

Hopefully make him apoplectic

[kakiqueen]

Thank you all so much for your help.
I have contacted a solicitor and am waiting to hear back from her.
Jelly bean, that is great advice. I fear he is not a reasonable man though.
It's our daughter 's 10th birthday next week and he wants us to go out for dinner, me, him and our 2 kids. He's delusional.

[MrsBertBibby]

Oops! OP's post.

They often look at who gets child benefit, and where kids are registered for gp. Also who pays for uniform etc.

He can't seek spousal maintenance as his remarriage would have finished all claims.

[MrsBertBibby]

No, I think from Pop's post it was child maintenance by consent order.

That will remain in force until the CMS complete their reassessment. The rules say that equal time means no maintenance, but my experience is that they ignore that rule. They often

[drspouse]

Ah, so he was paying you spousal maintenance.
Now he wants you to pay him the same.
Tell him to go and ask his 2nd wife as it's her problem.

[amaliaa]

I agree with pp, ignore any messages from him. Just don't reply. You are under no obligation to him in any way.

If he takes you to court, or to the CMS, you can cross that bridge when you come to it. Chances are it's all just bluster and he won't do any of that.

[Badweekjustgotworse]

Kakiqueen, god you're well rid of him! Well done for kicking him to the curb in the first place no one should have to live in fear of their partner. Get some legal advice and disengage with him. It might be expensive to get all correspondence to go through a lawyer though so just let him know (once you've taken legal advice) what your stance is and that you won't be responding to any more insulting and threatening messages, but you're happy to talk about arrangements for the children.
Hopefully he'll realise he hasn't a mission soon.

[Quartz2208]

If you have 50/50 neither side should receive maintenance. In terms of spousal support a subsequent marriage would render any claim towards you null.
As you have not remarried it does sound be like he was paying you spousal maintenance
I would simply say no and let him escalate it further he wont get far

[expatinscotland]

Don't fall for his bullying claptrap. Ignore his messages or better yet, get a lawyer and defer him to him/her.

[theredjellybean]

Kakiqueen..i am not a lawyer and divorced my exDH when youngest dd was young teen, i had higher income then him then and we did 50/50 custody split, no child benefit as both high earners. We split on friendly terms ( i had met someone else and he had come out as gay ) so we just agreed no maintenence, and we just paid for the things like clubs/riding lessons etc that we arranged on our days with her.

I am typing all that so you know i am not offering legal or experienced based advice..just mumsnet common sense

stop discussing or engaging, he sounds possibly narcissic and certainly unplesant and he is not coming from any known legal stand point..he is trying to frighten you by using fancy terms..

However , even though he chose to do this to himself, i can see that expecting him to pay CM is perhaps unreasonable. If you have equal custody then you should splits costs equally....so swim lessons/school uniform etc...how he pays for his half is up to him and if he chooses to stop working well again up to him...

if you get child benefit then this should be taken into account, you get that money to help pay for extra expenses such as school uniform, he doesnt get that so maybe you could try suggesting to him that you add up all the costs of raising the children outside of the residential component...i.e. housing and food , as he already provides 50% of that , then split that by half . So all costs such as school uniform are split 50/50, then deduct of his half the amount of child benefit you get and hey presto the tru cost of his children..which he should pay you ...

[NewIdeasToday]

No advice but just wanted to say that this man sounds like a complete arse. What sort of parent would put their children in a worse position financially just to make some stupid point. Stick to your guns OP and have confidence that you are in the right.

[kakiqueen]

Yes turtle.
I think possibly his mother.
He's also in the process of divorcing his current wife whom he apparently owes quite a lot of money in wedding cash gifts.
The more I type the more I can see how irrational he is.
But sometimes it's very hard to realise it from the inside.