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absolute shock what do I do now

43 replies

twinkerbell · 08/08/2017 09:18

I haven't posted on here for a longtime but I have just had the shock of my life and really need some sensible and possibly legal (if any of you lovely mummy's are in that field) advice and support

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twinkerbell · 08/08/2017 09:34

Confused Sad

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DancesWithOtters · 08/08/2017 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

twinkerbell · 08/08/2017 11:39

I found out my husband of 14 years is living another life as a transgender?
absolutely cannot believe it. moved out and haven't told my dd yet. have no clue what to say or where to start with divorce etc

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SerfTerf · 08/08/2017 11:41

I don't think the Trans aspect will have too much legal bearing, other than in choosing your grounds.

Must be a shock though. How did you find out?

SerfTerf · 08/08/2017 11:42

If you want a divorce, crack on. Unreasonable behaviour should cover it.

twinkerbell · 08/08/2017 11:44

I have photos and videos from various websites. I cant look at them but I know I can use them as grounds for divorce.
I am disgusted with him. I can't believe he could be so selfish to live a lie like this and my dd world is going to explode

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C0untDucku1a · 08/08/2017 11:45

What type of advice are you looking for? Have you moved out or has he moved out? I wouldnt leave the family home tbh. Make a solicitors appointment and go from there. Do you work? Can you support yourself? Ho old are the children?

twinkerbell · 08/08/2017 11:50

luckily my dd has been on s summer camp but is due back sat.
I have been staying at my parents and holiday home because he has no family in the area and nowhere to go. I need him to keep working because I cant afford the house on my own. he has gone to his parents for a few days now so I'm back in the house and having it valued this afternoon.

  1. what the hell do I tell our dd?

2. I earn more than him by about £10k and have put way more into the house eg-I paid for a £50k extension just last year with my inheritance
3. I'm not on a massive wage but I can get a mortgage and if I get a decent pay out from the house sale could buy a little house for me and dd. I don't want to see him with nothing but I want my input back and then some. We have been together for 17 years!
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SerfTerf · 08/08/2017 12:13

Have you seen a solicitor?

Bemusedandpuzzled · 08/08/2017 12:18

First of all, go see a solicitor. Get your financial situation straight and get access to bank accounts etc. You are absolutely entitled to a fair settlement, and you mustn't settle for anything less than your full legal deserts.

While this is a huge shock for you because it comes with the additional charge of infidelity, there is no shame in being a transgender person. Your DD will cope with the news when the time comes to tell her, but it is probably best negotiated with your partner.
She will be upset and have a lot of questions - a counsellor with understanding of these issues may be useful.

UtterlyFcked · 08/08/2017 12:20

"The thing is dear.."

Don't panic, it sounds like you will get more than a reasonable settlement and you will be absolutely fine. Ring a solicitor and book an appointment.

Besides the shock of husband-in-knickers, try to remain on friendly terms. I don't think using words like 'disgusting' towards him is going to help, nor is it a positive thing to do in front of your daughter. I know it's difficult but that is who he is, lying to you wasn't acceptable but your relationship is now over and it's time to move forward and concentrate on yourself and DD.

twinkerbell · 08/08/2017 12:34

some of the images 'were' disgusting I'm afraid. were not just talking about someone dressing up!
I have not spoken to a solicitor yet I don't really know where to start and I'm so humiliated.
I don't want to waste loads of very needed money on a solicitor who is going to be laughing behind my back

I guess I am just angry/shocked/frightened!
I am going to lose my husband and my beautiful home and break my daughters heart.
What would you tell her?

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UtterlyFcked · 08/08/2017 12:48

It may surprise you but this sort of thing is more common than you expect, particularly after a long marriage. Nobody is going to laugh at you. Don't forgot you don't have to divulge the horrid bits to a solicitor, you can simply say that your husband has chosen to live as a woman (just assuming here). Your husbands behaviour won't affect the financial settlement, and you can state just the basics in the petition if you want to - he can hardly argue against it. There will only be money wasted if you bicker, keeping the dialogue open and emotion out of it will leave you with a small bill.

How old is DD?

Bemusedandpuzzled · 08/08/2017 12:53

I understand how you feel - I think anyone who has had a partner cheat understands the tidal wave of shame and humiliation. But here's the thing - it's only you who feels that way. Good friends, good family, will be upset on your behalf and worried about you, not sniggering behind your back. The days where someone having a sexual/gender identity crisis was something that was never discussed or spoken about for shame are gone. I think partners having gay affairs is probably more common than you perhaps realise.

Of course, that doesn't mean your DD needs to see the full graphic pictures of her father! You, as the adult, can choose to tell her only what she needs to know about her father's sexual and gender identity, at the right time, in an understanding way.

You do need a solicitor though. Trust me when I say I think that a divorce specialist will have dealt with a lot of cheating behaviour, and will not be laughing behind your back! You may well find that you can stay in your home for longer than you think. As for breaking your daughter's heart - the most important thing in the world right now is that she knows that she has two parents who love her more than anything in the world, even if they no longer are in love with each other. You have to co-parent with this guy, so in spite of your shock and upset at what he has done, you need to deal with this in a way that doesn't force your DD to take sides and encourages her to understand.

twinkerbell · 08/08/2017 13:01

dd is almost 13
She adores her father and will not accept any old thing, she will want an explanation. I don't think I can do it because she is at such an impressionable age.
I don't know whether to just say her daddy doesn't love me anymore and has been unfaithful.
I have requested a call back from Coop solicitors ? I just cant think straight at the moment.

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Bemusedandpuzzled · 08/08/2017 13:10

twinker - I don't think you need to tell her everything right now. In fact, it would probably be better to wait. You can simply give a version of the divorce speech - Mum and Dad have decided to split up because they are no longer in love, but they still love her very much and everything will be OK. If she asks questions, you just keep reiterating that you are no longer in love.

You do NOT need to go into the infidelity, sexuality and gender issues at this point. I could be wrong, but I think it would be better if you waited and took some advice on how to deliver information like that in a way that is loving and sensitive. There may be charities or books that are useful for you to contact or read beforehand. Your daughter absolutely mustn't be put in the middle of the politics between you and your husband, and forced to take sides. It takes Big Girl Pants to do it, but it's the right thing to do.

twinkerbell · 08/08/2017 13:18

Smile Wine

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UtterlyFcked · 08/08/2017 13:35

I agree with Bemused, she needs to be spared the unpleasant details. If, in future, your husband decides to lead this secret life more publicly then it will be his responsibility to explain it to his daughter when she is ready.

One thing to keep in mind is that sharing details with close friends might be an issue, as your daughter is at risk of finding out via someone else. For that reason I would be very careful of who you give details to, I know what I'm going to suggest may sound impossible at the moment - but try to agree with him what to put on the petition without revealing too much. Don't let anyone encourage you to list things which you will later regret, as it is unnecessary.

twinkerbell · 08/08/2017 14:52

I wouldn't dream of showing her anything, it has disturbed me never mind his child.

Can this be classed as Unreasonable behaviour?

I am thinking about relocating closer to work as I can afford a better property there on my own and its nice and rural. I know she needs her friends and school and stability but at the same time people are already asking questions and I cant bare it. Also she hasn't started any GCSE's etc yet. I don't want a rubbish property just to stay around here but don't know whats for the best

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UtterlyFcked · 08/08/2017 14:56

Most things can be classed as unreasonable behaviour.

You can relocate if you want to, but don't assume your DD is going to want to go with you.

twinkerbell · 08/08/2017 15:02

I wouldn't go if she really didn't want to. He wont be staying around here anyway. His family all lives at the other end of the country, he has already said he will go home.

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UtterlyFcked · 08/08/2017 15:05

Thats a shame for your daughter, although him wanting to move away will possibly give you a bit extra 'cover story' for the separation.

Bemusedandpuzzled · 08/08/2017 15:09

"people are already asking questions and I cant bare it".

Please listen to me: this is NOT your shame. Stop worrying so much what other people think. You've had good advice about keeping this under wraps as much as possible for now - but that's more so that you can discuss it with your DD in your own time, and in a way you can control. Anyone decent will feel compassion for you as the victim of this situation. If anyone has the temerity to mock or deride you for your husband's choices, that just makes them look bad - not you. This is not your fault, not of your making! If you don't mind me saying, it's kind of old-fashioned these days to think that if a bloke is gay, it must be a reflection on his wife! Thankfully, most people have moved beyond those kinds of rather ignorant attitudes!

MrsBertBibby · 08/08/2017 17:46

I can't imagine a solicitor laughing at you about this. We really do see a lot of unusual stuff, and we aren't generally unkind people.

twinkerbell · 08/08/2017 17:48

I don't think its my fault that he is gay, Its just the shame if anyone were to find out and look him up on the net, see pictures or webcams, some of them in MY CLOTHES and jewellery. Its so humiliating and disrespectful...I think. Thanks for your support guys :-)

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