Sexless marriage. Separate or not?

[PeanutButter1]

Hello. I'm in turmoil.
I've been married to a really good, kind, nice guy for 12 years. We've always had a 'cosy' relationship - not massively sexual, and there were many times when I thought 'I wish I fancied him more.' But I was young, not sexually confident, and thought I should count myself lucky for having such a sweet and decent guy. He's patient and solid - but the flip side of this is that he is immovable, and emotionally distant.

We've never stayed up all night just talking crap... or stayed up all night shagging... despite this; we got married. No big romantic declarations from him - i feel like he made a 'sensible decision' rather than an overwhelming emotional one. And maybe I did too. I think I felt he was nice and caring and maybe that would be enough. There is no passion there, though. For sex, for life... for anything. He is so emotionally dead.

We now have a 5 year old. I had a difficult birth experience and had PTS. However, we haven't had sex since my daughter was conceived. And not really any affection either. I've struggled to feel any intimacy with him. We're now in separate rooms, and I almost recoil at my husbands touch.

He is a nice man, a good hearted man. I do most of the childcare and also work but don't earn loads. My husband earns well and pushed us up the property ladder (I wasn't as bothered, but for him a house is a big status symbol.)

Now I don't know what to do. I've sort of been pushing for separation as I'm 40 and don't want to live the rest of my life without sex. I don't see sex therapy working as essentially I just don't feel any desire for him.

I've been sexually 'awakened' by an online affair that has reminded me what it is to feel turned on, and desired. It won't go anywhere but it has been a powerful catalyst.

Now I stand on the brink of separation and I'm terrified. Scared of ripping up this cosy family unit for what? I have nobody to go to. The wider family is horrified as we look 'perfect'. I am obv v worried for my daughter, too.

I have lots of friends and a decent career... I have been feeling quite strong and empowered but it's all trickled away now it's getting closer...

Any positive stories or thoughts? Am I being a fool?

I separated from my husband this year for the same reasons. I'm now having lots of wonderful sex with some very interesting lovers and feel like I've woken up.

Yess suppose plodding providers don't get the groin a goin do they?.

Perhaps we just ought to accept that we all should have a bit on the side affairs, and see prostitutes and swap partners whatever;!

Don't think its all quite a simple as it somehow seems.

Both sexes can be the plodding providers. Sex and intimacy are important and we all change. I think perhaps you are right, in all seriousness. Marriage as an institution is flawed. I truly believe things could be more simple than they are, if we were all more honest about such things.

Marriage as an institution is flawed.

Now tell us something we don't know;(.

Hi everyone. So he's been out a few weeks and we are trying our best to keep things as amicable as possible for the sake of our little one.
Wider family are struggling with it as we've always been the 'safe and steady' hub, while people orbit around us.
The fact we can't do intimate communication has made splitting up so difficult as it's all unspoken emotion, tension etc. We have such an unhealthy dynamic. But it confirms that we weren't working as a couple.
I think for him, he could have happily carried on like this. He's just emotionally and sexually switched off. He won't/can't change.
I'm feeling hugely scared and having low evenings once I've got little one to sleep. There's nothing on the horizon for me and it's so so daunting.
On the other hand - I have great friends, and I am managing to look after the kid alone a lot (I always did the lions share anyway.) My career is going well even though I'm still not earning enough.
I don't know. I guess when I feel sad I don't feel entitled to complain as I 'forced' the split.
In truth, I just think I was able to stand back and clearly assess the relationship. I was the doctor who made the diagnosis.

Would love to hear any positive stories. Is the hope of having sex and intimacy again worth throwing away a big house and a steady marriage for? God it's so hard.

Hi Peanut, thought I would share my experience this year as our lives seem to of been similar.

I had been with my partner for 15 years and married for 4 (no children tho)... and for many of those years the relationship was sexless. I had tried to fix this countless times but always went back to the same nothingness.

What some people dont realise is how deeply it can affect you, not feeling desired can be soul destroying and make you feel dead inside. And quite honestly life is far too short to make do with this.

Like you I had what people would see as an enviable life.... beaut house, fast cars, holidays... but it actually made me feel like a total fraud because I was so sad and lonely inside.

In April I decided to leave because I realised I wasnt attracted to him and didnt love him anymore the lack of affection over the years had killed everything off... it wasnt reversable so I decided I either accept that life and stay or try find what I thought I needed...

My family were very supportive but his hold the old fashioned view that a woman should put up with what the husband dishes out and stay put as this is what they did and they are clearly very unhappy.. their miserable lives only confirmed I was right to leave and I did not want to repeat history! They have not spoken to me since.

I am now with someone new and have been lucky enough to find someone I deeply connect with on many levels and finally have a healthy sex life... In the six months since leaving I questioned myself many times.. I missed elements of my old life style dearly but I kept reminding myself of the empty feeling I had being with him...
Unfortunatley my divorce has taken a nasty turn but I still have no regrets and am now so excited about having a future full of the love and happiness I knew was absent from my previous life! and I am no longer jelous of seeing happy couples!

Just have strength, you will have many dark days but the end prize is well worth it.

Hi all, very similar situation - with a bit of emotional abuse thrown in.
Feel compelled to post as I'm on the cliff edge right now. Planning on having the talk this evening. My stomach hurts and I feel sick, but I know I have to do this.
Thank you for sharing your stories.

I've been on the other side of the fence to this unfortunately and it is difficult to comprehend and very hurtful. I'm a great dad and was always a good partner but if someone changes and avoids sex with you it really signals the start of the end. It really happened after we had kids and speaking to other dads the majority of them are facing the same issue and hate the situation they are stuck in. I guess at least for me it's now happened and is over.

We all understand that having children and both parents working is tiring and it changes the mindset of both parents but avoiding intimacy by restricting or even having some sort of unspoken ban on sex eventually leads to broken families. In my case my partner refused to speak about it, admit there was an issue or accept external help (well she did get external help but not the sort I mean here!).

I now have the kids half the time which hurts both kids and I incredibly. Financially she has destroyed me and emotionally very nearly killed me. My kids don't understand why and I can't tell them what's happened (they are too young). Now my kids are dragged from pillar to post in terms of childcare and statistically they are far more likely to face severe pyschological problems later in life, a higher suicide risk and lower educational attainment.

Clearly at some point I was an appropriate person to have sex with but her mindset changed. Now she is together having sex with some homeless guy (I am a professional earning multiples of the national average). I have spent months (years?) wondering what is wrong with me. I've seen therapists and pyschologists and I've come to the conclusion that there is in fact nothing wrong with me. I wasn't abusive, a drunk, a gambler, an adulterer or anything else. I was a caring partner, I continue to be a loving dad (my kids rock my world) and whatever I earnt went straight to the family. The problem is with her and whilst she thinks the grass is greener she will find out it isn't. She's taken her problems with her rather than dealing with it.

I have eventually moved on. I've had to. I'm now with someone who has none of the issues I saw on a daily basis. She is a wonderful, caring person who actually does want to have sex with me. The fact that she looks like a supermodel, has great kids, is a professional and we have the best sex I've ever experienced suggests that maybe, just maybe karma exists. This doesn't mean for a second what happened was for the best or that it is forgivable. She broke a family and where there used to be one person unhappy and the three of us happy she is currently the happy one and me and the kids have had to suffer.

where there used to be one person unhappy

Why was it okay when she was unhappy?

It's not OK that she was unhappy.

When she told me she didn't love me, wasn't happy and was leaving me I put my arms round her and told her she wanted to be happy, her friends want her to be happy, her kids want her to be happy and I want her to be happy so she was going to end up happy!

I knew she was leaving me and I wanted her to be happy but I'm pointing out the collateral damage that occurs around that decision can often be so damaging with its repercussions that I would advise anyone thinking of doing it to seriously try everything they can to make it work. Also to try and work out if your partner is the real issue or is it something like I think what happened with us. A moment of realisation that life wasn't giving her as much as she wanted or felt she deserved (be that romance, nights of spontaneous partying like the uni days or whatever). Having kids is a huge responsibility that I don't think all women are prepared for.

Turns out she had extreme anxiety and depression problems before we met and there was another man involved which I didn't realise (he dumped her pretty quickly after she became single).

I realise for every example like her there are a hundred amazing mums/partners.

A sexless marriage takes two - both my husband and I allowed this to happen and avoided addressing it in time. Not a case of me 'withholding' sex at all.

We are now separated. Too early to say if it was the right thing to do, though in many ways I feel lighter and more free. I feel I'm not living a lie.

Hi all, first off im a man and soon to be ex husband and father of 2 young boys - that i adore. I wanted to perhaps give an opinion that hopefully doesnt rock the boat. From what i have seen there are marriages where the wife feels hard done by, wants more.. thinks.. " is this it" and then there is exactly the same flip side for the husband "is this it" wants more etc. Simple logic tells me that if you are happy then this feeling should never arise. The many things that can balance all this out is - mutual respect, closeness, passion, understanding and ultimatly love. PeanutButter1 - I have been where you are and i have had to make a huge decision - it was based on whether or not i could see myself happy in 10/20 years time the way things were going and if they could ever be changed to make myself, my wife and ultimatley the family as a whole happy. Sadly the answer was no. dare i say, Sex was a big part of it.. amongst all the arguments, the hardship the sleepless nights there should always be something.. something between me and my wife that makes us..US. And if that goes then you start searching for the reasons.. do we enjoy time together, whatever it may be.. date night, cooking together one night, sharing a bottle of wine , going out with friends.. anything. And if, if you cant put a finger on that THING you share as a couple then its going to be very hard to stay happy for the rest of your married life together... I didnt have that thing to share and I saw it would never change. So i made the decision to leave - with the best intesions.

So, I left. I see my children 3 times week - I pay everything, as it should be. But I pictured marriage as something totally different... And the thing is I can see other couples that have IT, and are a team and are totally in love. And I want that - I want to love and give love soo much. Im willing to give 75 % of my wealth away and see my children less frequently but ultimalty when i see them im happier. Because I couldnt handle the fact that i will never be able to feel real love with my wife for the forseable future. Shoot me down as much as you want - but after trying counciling, mediation for 2 years and trying every avenue possible i now know that i am making the right decision for the future. It is incredibly hard, i dont sleep, im ostracised from my kids life but, and heres the thing - ive got a CHANCE to be happier. The grass isnt always greener - but if all you ever had was a patch of mud that no matter what seeds you put down and no matter how much you watered it then ill take the chance.

Did you leave him?

I want to know too :)

She did. She updated. I'd love to know how she's doing now.

Oh my God, I have been in the same situation for years. I am lifeless. One pre-school child and I dont even know how I got pregnant and only trapped myself. How do you all afford to separate, do you rent? Parents? OP, so lucky that he moved out!

Going through something so similar and stalking all these old threads! How did it all go OP?