Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Sexless marriage. Separate or not?

66 replies

PeanutButter1 · 17/07/2017 11:53

Hello. I'm in turmoil.
I've been married to a really good, kind, nice guy for 12 years. We've always had a 'cosy' relationship - not massively sexual, and there were many times when I thought 'I wish I fancied him more.' But I was young, not sexually confident, and thought I should count myself lucky for having such a sweet and decent guy. He's patient and solid - but the flip side of this is that he is immovable, and emotionally distant.

We've never stayed up all night just talking crap... or stayed up all night shagging... despite this; we got married. No big romantic declarations from him - i feel like he made a 'sensible decision' rather than an overwhelming emotional one. And maybe I did too. I think I felt he was nice and caring and maybe that would be enough. There is no passion there, though. For sex, for life... for anything. He is so emotionally dead.

We now have a 5 year old. I had a difficult birth experience and had PTS. However, we haven't had sex since my daughter was conceived. And not really any affection either. I've struggled to feel any intimacy with him. We're now in separate rooms, and I almost recoil at my husbands touch.

He is a nice man, a good hearted man. I do most of the childcare and also work but don't earn loads. My husband earns well and pushed us up the property ladder (I wasn't as bothered, but for him a house is a big status symbol.)

Now I don't know what to do. I've sort of been pushing for separation as I'm 40 and don't want to live the rest of my life without sex. I don't see sex therapy working as essentially I just don't feel any desire for him.

I've been sexually 'awakened' by an online affair that has reminded me what it is to feel turned on, and desired. It won't go anywhere but it has been a powerful catalyst.

Now I stand on the brink of separation and I'm terrified. Scared of ripping up this cosy family unit for what? I have nobody to go to. The wider family is horrified as we look 'perfect'. I am obv v worried for my daughter, too.

I have lots of friends and a decent career... I have been feeling quite strong and empowered but it's all trickled away now it's getting closer...

Any positive stories or thoughts? Am I being a fool?

OP posts:
Original poster
PeanutButter1 · 23/07/2017 18:45

No. Cause I haven't. Online affair prob overstating it. Mild flirtation with electronic fantasy being probably bit closer.

OP posts:
crazykitten20 · 23/07/2017 19:21

An open relationship? Does that sound like it might be a possibility?

Original poster
PeanutButter1 · 23/07/2017 19:30

Absolutely no prob with those that do, but I think me and my husband lack the intimacy that allows that kind of thing to happen. Also, I'm not th type to go out on the pull and shag randoms. I'm yearning for that intellectual connection that then turns me on sexually, never been able to just have one night stands etc.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 24/07/2017 08:02

This isn't just about him not being intimate with you though. It amazes me how many people put up with celibacy that is pretty much forced upon them.

It's only ok if you both agree to it and if you didn't then it's a betrayal. I have also noticed in a couple of similar situations with my friends that their partners are controlling in other more subtle ways. Passive aggressive behaviour being really common theme.

You don't need to live your life like this.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 24/07/2017 09:49

It amazes me how many people put up with celibacy that is pretty much forced upon them.

Well you can't force people to have sex with you who don't want to!

SnugglyBedSocks · 24/07/2017 11:38

This is basically my story too - married 15yrs . But my STBXH has now found someone else and we have separated.

If he hadn't I would have continued plodding on with my very nice but lonely, sexless life.

I have not met anyone else and I am not actively looking either (it's only been one month!), but I am also not lonely as I have been "alone" if that makes sense, for years. We have grown completely apart. I can't say I even miss him really.

I do feel sad and have shed tears but I am not devastated. I do worry what will happen as I get older as I have no-one to be "there" for me in old age and share the bills etc.

But I also feel a bit excited and positive about the future.

Smallsadness · 24/07/2017 12:10

I'm in a similar position- married 11 years, 2 DCs. Our relationship its perfectly functional. He's smart, funny and (occasionally) interesting. And totally not bothered by the situation.

I, on the other hand, feel completely psychotic living in this relationship that is pretending to be something it isn't. I'm just trying to be SO REASONABLE about the whole thing. I've promised myself that I'm going to move into the spare room in September in order to reflect reality a bit more.

It's feels like such a huge thing to leave when I'm the only one who's unhappy. And what's it going to do to my kids? And how will I manage with no money?

And if I do manage to leave, then what? I'm in my 40s, with 2 kids and a vagina that looks like someone's driven a truck through it (twice). Gentleman, the queue starts over there -->

All I really want is to be with someone who is in to me.

I'm just desperate to know how this all ends. I wish I could tell all you fine people that's it's going to be ok. I wish I could tell you that it's alright to want to be loved. But I'm not there....yet.

Original poster
PeanutButter1 · 25/07/2017 08:05

I'm so so sorry. I know how lonely it feels. Also the guilt at being the one to upset the apple cart. My husband can't believe I'm saying there's no hope for our sex life, but I think he's insane to think we can ressurect something that was never very good before. The counsellor says she wants to end the sessions because our communication is so terrible she can't work effectively with us.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeanutButter1 · 25/07/2017 09:27

I forgot to add an important detail.
We haven't had sex for five years.
We haven't kissed or cuddled either.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 25/07/2017 19:34

Piglet. What I mean is when it is forced upon them they have every right to leave the marriage. As does the OP

Tingatingatale · 30/07/2017 18:36

I left a marriage last year after no affection, no sex life. I don't think my exh even liked me. It was different to yours as he spoke to me like crap. When I asked him if he loved me he said of course he had to, I was his wife.

I felt like it for years. I grieved for my marriage for two years before I left. I also had an online affair which in a way gave me the confidence to finally do something about it. I didn't want to wake up when my kids had left home and wonder why I stayed.

16 months on I am happy. I left the martial home with the children, he wouldn't leave. I met my online man and we are together and solid. He loves me and we have an emotional connection I never had. He is my best friend. It has been hard, exh does not speak to me so it is hard to co parent.

Tingatingatale · 30/07/2017 18:39

Someone else has hit the nail on the head. I was lonely. I had the children but if they were asleep I might as well have been on my own. Living in a house where someone is indifferent to you is hard

Hermonie2016 · 30/07/2017 22:40

Divorce is very tough and separting from your children can be super tough so I would think very hard about separating before working on your marriage.

Alain de Bottom has lots of interesting videos on YouTube which makes you think about relationships so worth investigating.

That said, if you are very unhappy or in an relationship thar is abusive I would prepare to leave..try to bring your partner along with you so it's more amicable.

Be prepared to be alone for quite a while as its not healthy to rush from one relationship to another.

Don't assume you will find another partner for a year or 2 so think through your life as a single person.

CharlottesWebs · 31/07/2017 09:33

Peanut In your shoes, I'd go. I have felt like you have for almost all my marriage - 30+ years- and I am only now having the courage to do something about it now my children are adults. I regret the wasted years.

Original poster
PeanutButter1 · 31/07/2017 11:11

Yeah I'm familiar with Alain de Botton.
I've been reading articles and books and whatever about the realities of marriage from... before I was married. I read 'The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work' before I decided to go ahead with it. On some level I knew the spark/connection wasn't there but was hoping to convince myself and make a cerebral decision. Not an emotional one. Now I'm paying the price.

I've been trying to make this relationship work for 14 years. My heart feels cold and stony now. I've forgotten how to feel.

I think that's why we chose each other. Both too scared of the risk of feeling, so we chose to be sensible. Low risk - no highs, but no lows.

Now I will lose my security, home and will miss out on spending time with my child. I know all this. And I don't expect to find someone new.

I want to be loved, and to truly love someone. I want that so much. But I also want to become a self-realised person on my own first. The biggest challenge.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeanutButter1 · 31/07/2017 11:12

Oh charlotteswebs, love love and luck to you. And thank you. He's a good man. We don't have a good marriage.

OP posts:
CharlottesWebs · 31/07/2017 11:25

Peanut- thank you:)

Your story is mine. I married with my head not my heart. I HAD felt passion at first but it morphed into a comfy type friendship before the wedding. I'd met someone then who really did it for me- and made me realise what lust was. But he didn't want me. I went ahead with my wedding knowing it wasn't quite right. I stuck at it for 30+ years for the sake of the DCs and hoping I could rekindle it because 'on paper' my DH ticks every box- except chemistry. I've never had a great sex life. I've never had an orgasm in my life with him.

Like you I will lose a lovely family home, a sound financial future and maybe the respect of my DCs. I don't know. I have almost left before - like you, men came along who made me realise what was missing- but I was too scared and above all, put my kids first. I've suddenly woken up and decided I want more for the rest of my life, or even just the 'peace' of being alone without knowing I've made a mistake.

Original poster
PeanutButter1 · 31/07/2017 23:37

Oh I feel for you so so much. But well done on deciding to live an honest life. That takes strength. That's what pulls me: I think, on my deathbed - will I be happy I compromised my happiness for the perceived happiness of others? Who should I have remained true to? I think living alone - hard and lonely as it might be - would still enrich me in ways and maybe I could learn to be strong. Living a lie feels corrosive.
My husband would be enough for some people, maybe. The right person. Our lack of emotional and physical connection is not enough for me. I care for him a lot. I worry and feel sick about us breaking up our family unit. I hope maybe our family unit will remain intact but just change shape. I don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeanutButter1 · 02/09/2017 21:04

UPDATE:

He's moving into his own flat this weekend. I'm going to stay in the house for now. I still don't know if this is right but I hope the space will help me figure this out. Neither of us is being at all emotionally demonstrative - just jolly and chummy. We want to stay amicable for our child. Is the lack of heartbreak a sign?

OP posts:
thistoosha11pass · 02/09/2017 22:13

Yes I would say it is. Flowers my soon to be ex won't leave so you are ahead of me! It's all little steps, I think you know it's the right path, when you stop fighting, you give up and that's the end really. I am speaking from experience of trying and trying but in the end? It's not worth it. It's too painful to try.
Enjoy your space. Make lists of pros and cons, plan, figure out how it will work so it's not so scary, get the tax credits sorted, Good luck x

Original poster
PeanutButter1 · 02/09/2017 22:37

Thank you xxx
I've given up. My heart is just cold. Well, a filial affection by nothing more. Fuck. I hope it feels something again one day.

OP posts:
Oilyoilyoilgob · 21/09/2017 21:21

How's it going peanut? Xx

wonderwoman23 · 22/09/2017 08:40

Hi all

So similar to my situation also, we've been together over 20years and married for 16. 2 daughters but just grew apart, but I also found out he cheated, initially I thought I could forgive him for sake of the children but slowly - the last year it's just eating me up. I don't trust or respect him anymore, I resent him so much and now all I want is to move on. He wants to try and make it right but because he's always been controlling he can't handle my rejection now.

It's mostly awful most days as we still live in same house but I'm clinging onto hope that one day we will have found a way to move on and go our separate ways.

This thread and all the posts have really helped me today as I'm sitting on my train going into work and having one of those awful days.

❤️

wonderwoman23 · 22/09/2017 08:41

@PeanutButter1 ....sending positive vibes and hugs to you x

Talith · 22/09/2017 08:45

I separated from my husband this year for the same reasons. I'm now having lots of wonderful sex with some very interesting lovers and feel like I've woken up. He has a girlfriend now. It's hard with kids but it is possible to do it in a sane way if everything else is amicable.