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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Does he have a say over who I leave the children with?

39 replies

Franwith2and1 · 14/06/2017 10:10

Hi

I am separated from my husband. He was the stay at home father and my children are now 10 and 13 year old twins. He has basically not really worked when he should and this has caused the resentment and marriage breakdown and he wanted out last year. He wanted to conveniently stay together for the sake of the children but I didn't . I have left the house which has a tiny mortgage payment on. He just has to generate some income but can't be arsed. He has done the lions share of the chikdcare in the holidays but is using it against me in conversations. I work full time but can work from home. I have a new partner who is a sports coach and is dbs checked and has been working in schools. I also have a 31 year unemployed nephew who my kids adore but he is a tad childish. Anyway I have said I can pull my weight re childcare but he objects to both. His issue with my partner is he says I hardly know him... I have known him for a few months and kids like him a lot. He is very very good with children. My nephew he says can't look after himself which is not true. He would stay at mine and have them while I'm at work.
Anyway I see all this as ex trying to hang onto his stay at home status
Does he have a right to say I can't leave them with my suggestions?

OP posts:
sothisisnew · 14/06/2017 12:06

This is interesting, as if the gender roles were reversed here I'd expect very different responses... gets popcorn

Zampa · 14/06/2017 12:19

There was a thread recently where MN posters overwhelmingly backed the RP, who was claiming she should always have the children if the NRP wasn't available to look after them in his contact time (he wanted to leave them with his long term partner of several years).

IMO the RP/NRP doesn't have a right to dictate to the other who cares for the children during their contact time, as long as the children are safe, secure and happy.

However, I personally wouldn't leave my babies with a new partner I've only known for a few months.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 14/06/2017 12:21

I would assume your dc are quite capable of knowing whether they feel comfortable being with your dp.

And if they are then it's nobody else's business. .

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 14/06/2017 12:24

What's your contact arrangement now? If you are wanting to change it and replace your ex with other people yabu.

If you are planning to maintain the status quo and use these two people to help you out on your usual contact days that's none of his business.

I have a feeling the situation is the former, in which case yabu and should be paying child support too for those extra days.

PrincessToadinTheHole · 14/06/2017 12:25

I'd be fucking furious if my ex left my kids with a new partner. Not sure he can stop you but it's not really a great parenting decision

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 14/06/2017 12:26

Does your new boyfriend even want to look after your kids? I wouldn't want to be lumbered if it was me.

sothisisnew · 14/06/2017 12:29

I agree with Zampa. It's not always possible to look after the children yourself, and this shouldn't mean that the other parent has a right to rescind their contact time. It's not theirs to give or take. In my experience, it is a lot easier for one parent to take the children as they work less, precisely for that reason. The 'working more' parent shouldn't be punished because of this.

If the parent wanting to leave the children with someone else is doing it so often that it affects the children, of course pick it with them to see if there's a different arrangement where the children get to spend time with them more easily, but ultimately it's not for the other to decide.

cushioncovers · 14/06/2017 12:30

When I divorced and got a new Will done the solicitor said that regardless of how I felt about my kids father if I died he would by law get the kids as he was their father. The exception would be if he was deemed to be unsafe i.e. Convictions for certain crimes. Drug user etc. I wanted to leave my kids in the care of other family members if I died but wasn't allowed to. However they are now older so can make up their own mind.

cushioncovers · 14/06/2017 12:31

Oops I missed the point of the thread. Sorry.

WannaBe · 14/06/2017 12:31

If the usual arrangement is that he has the children during the school holidays then you are being unreasonable to try and change that to suit your own agenda.

If hhowever you would normally have paid for childcare during this time and your partner is now available to do childcare then it's not his business. And to be "furious if an ex left the children with their new partner" is a tad OTT and dramatic.

But I suspect that you're trying to change the arrangements to get one over on him which is petty and childish.

Bestseller2017 · 14/06/2017 12:33

You say you have left the house. Where are the children at the moment?

Adviceplease360 · 14/06/2017 12:34

Definitely being unreasonable. You hardly know your new partner, could be abusive for all you know and why give kids to nephew when their own father could have them? Just ridiculous

thethoughtfox · 14/06/2017 12:34

If you have only known your partner for a few months, why has he even met your children? You seem to be moving far too fast. Your husband is right to be cautious.

sothisisnew · 14/06/2017 12:36

PrincessToadinTheHole would you be furious because it's another person, or because it's a new partner?

As the new partner in my situation, I get a LOT of abuse from my OH's STBXW as the new partner. She doesn't seem to get that me being with them is any different from them being looked after by their grandparents (on her side, naturally), which happens infinitely more often.

sothisisnew · 14/06/2017 12:37

sorry typo

WannaBe · 14/06/2017 12:44

The "he could be abusive" line is a tad hysterical - a few months could be anything between three and eleven months for all we know, besides which the eldest two DC are thirteen and won't need much supervision in the holidays anyway, and some abusers take years to show their true colours.

MY DS met my DP after a few weeks (eXH's instigation) but admittedly he never looked after him on his own for about three years, but certainly not because I thought he may be an abuser - I wouldn't have been with him if I had.

People place far too much emphasis on the evil that is new partners. The only issue here is whether the OP is actually trying to change her eXH's usual arrangement of having the kids during the holidays, not who she is otherwise choosing to look after her children if he's not available.

NapQueen · 14/06/2017 12:46

Youve onky known your new partner a few months.

Thats too soon to even introduce them to him let alone have him mind them fir you!!

gillybeanz · 14/06/2017 12:50

Who do the children live with now?
Are they still in the marital home with your ex, or do they share equal time between you and their Dad?

RandomMess · 14/06/2017 12:50

In your contact time he doesn't have a right to dictate what childcare you use, and neither do you in his contact time.

If either of you have genuine concerns then you can raise them with the appropriate authorities.

WannaBe · 14/06/2017 12:51

Just how much minding do people think that thirteen year olds need? Confused. Added to which, introducing thirteen year olds to a new partner is not the same as e.g. Introducing small children. They're not babies, they'll know that their mum will be dating. It's just not the same dynamic.

Personally I wouldn't inflict a thirteen year old on a new partner, but I also don't agree that endless time needs to pass before introductions. Added to which, I'm sure that there are e.g. People who would allow antenatal friends to mind their babies even if they've only known them for a few months, so why does it become different when it's a partner?

Looneytune253 · 14/06/2017 13:07

To be fair though. If dad WANTS to have them in the holidays isn't that the best thing to do, thinking of the children.

Getoutofthatgarden · 14/06/2017 13:12

Nephew, yes
New partner, no.

PrincessToadinTheHole · 14/06/2017 13:14

PrincessToadinTheHole would you be furious because it's another person, or because it's a new partner?As the new partner in my situation, I get a LOT of abuse from my OH's STBXW as the new partner. She doesn't seem to get that me being with them is any different from them being looked after by their grandparents (on her side, naturally), which happens infinitely more often.

Because it's a new partner mostly, but in general if one parent wants the child saying they can't have them just to give them to an unrelated person is shit.

But you watching the child is in no way like their own grandmother watching them. That's their family. You might not even be in their lives in 6 months.

PrincessToadinTheHole · 14/06/2017 13:16

I can't imagine why she doesn't want a strange woman watching her children instead of you when you call he "stbxw" though.

Bestseller2017 · 14/06/2017 13:16

Have you got a contact arrangement in place?