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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Does he have a say over who I leave the children with?

39 replies

Franwith2and1 · 14/06/2017 10:10

Hi

I am separated from my husband. He was the stay at home father and my children are now 10 and 13 year old twins. He has basically not really worked when he should and this has caused the resentment and marriage breakdown and he wanted out last year. He wanted to conveniently stay together for the sake of the children but I didn't . I have left the house which has a tiny mortgage payment on. He just has to generate some income but can't be arsed. He has done the lions share of the chikdcare in the holidays but is using it against me in conversations. I work full time but can work from home. I have a new partner who is a sports coach and is dbs checked and has been working in schools. I also have a 31 year unemployed nephew who my kids adore but he is a tad childish. Anyway I have said I can pull my weight re childcare but he objects to both. His issue with my partner is he says I hardly know him... I have known him for a few months and kids like him a lot. He is very very good with children. My nephew he says can't look after himself which is not true. He would stay at mine and have them while I'm at work.
Anyway I see all this as ex trying to hang onto his stay at home status
Does he have a right to say I can't leave them with my suggestions?

OP posts:
PrincessToadinTheHole · 14/06/2017 13:17

I can't imagine why she doesn't want a strange woman instead of her that should say

VoteMe · 14/06/2017 13:20

OP, is this a reverse?

If not sorry.

If the kids are 10 and 13 then Ido t think it matters too much who they are left with but it seems a bit pointless leaving them with your BF or your nephew rather than them being with their Dad. What would your kids prefer?

CotswoldStrife · 14/06/2017 13:24

What do the children want OP, because you don't mention that at all?

It does seem as if the change is to spite your ex rather than benefit the children, especially if they are happy with the way things are currently. I would be wary of changing that if it is likely to lead to resentment from your children.

sothisisnew · 14/06/2017 13:24

Ok- so in your logic childminders are out of the question as well?

sothisisnew · 14/06/2017 13:28

I'd say it makes a difference how often and for how long the children are to be left with another person. If a parent has them for a weekend and leaves them with someone else for a morning while they're at work that's probably fair enough (not ideal, sure)- but leaving with them for the whole time undermines their contact time somewhat.

Also STBXW is a standard initialism, right? I didn't mean to be offensive, sorry.

Original poster
Franwith2and1 · 14/06/2017 13:30

Thanks for the views. Just to be clear I have only left the marital home in February. My husband ended the marriage but wouldn't leave. We have the children 50/50. I have done the decent thing and left what was an argumentative situation as he wouldn't. I have had the Easter holidays and half term and not comfortable with him continuing to do nothing. He is self employed and perfectly capable of working as i say he can work from
Home as he does up bikes etc but hardly bothers I also can work from home and have done and my hours are flexible. I only have a certain amount of holiday and to be fair I want all the time for it to be 50/50. The question is not one of what I have done as I believe I have been very decent to a lazy man during and since my marriage (my rent is 10 times his mortgage payment) but merely can he dictate. Basically I have found a solution to help me care for them in the holidays. If my partner has them it would be on the odd day for a few hours. The kids think a lot of him and he gets them out doing sport etc. I'm taking about a couple of weeks in August and the likelihood is it would be more my nephew who the boys have known all their lives and adore! So really it's a case of can he dictate?? Many thanks again

OP posts:
Original poster
Franwith2and1 · 14/06/2017 13:35

Ok to clarify nothing is to spite my ex. My ex was cruel and nasty to me last year put me on sterilise for how cruel he was. I have left him to live in the house for the sake of my children and again I reiterate he has everything there to work but he chooses not to! I am merely trying to pull my weight in the childcare side of things so we can both work. They enjoy being with both of us. We had no money as a couple as he continuously spent it on cars that sit in the garage and bought things to sell and didn't sell them. Believe me he is hard work and very very spoilt. He had everything he wanted! It meant we had no money no savings. Thanks for the views

OP posts:
Bestseller2017 · 14/06/2017 13:39

It seems as if you want your ex to get back to work so that he is not Sahp and there is resentment about the fact you have been bankrolling him over the years. However you can't control that.

If you stick to 50:50 and sort your own childcare arrangements during that time, that's up to you but it won't make him work or contribute financially if he doesn't want to.

I have been in the same position as you where ex was sahp and when we split he complained about everyone who I used to look after the dc while I worked. He has not worked for ten years and comtributes zilch financially.

I think you need to sort this all out through the divorce process i.e. Finances, family home, child contact.

Original poster
Franwith2and1 · 14/06/2017 13:39

Sorry he put me on Setroline it was that awful

I have left a beautiful house with a lovely garden to live in a flat. I don't think I can be a bad persons for doing the right thing and just trying to pull my weight!

OP posts:
PrincessToadinTheHole · 14/06/2017 13:49

Ok- so in your logic childminders are out of the question as well?

I would never take my child to a child minder when they have a willing parent who wants to look after them. I can't comprehend why you would unless the parent lived hours away. Why would you? Confused

sothisisnew · 14/06/2017 13:56

We live an hour an quarter away (she moved). Do you think she'd pop round and look after them? This hasn't happened so far, we've always been around- I'm just saying how I can understand it how it might be unavoidable. Either parent can't dictate what the other does, you can't possibly be objective about it.

drspouse · 14/06/2017 14:03

I would never take my child to a child minder when they have a willing parent who wants to look after them. I can't comprehend why you would unless the parent lived hours away. Why would you?

Well, you would if it was half an hour away, and the CM was round the corner. If you have the children during the week, you see them to get them up for breakfast/childcare, you pick them up and have a lovely bedtime (hopefully) and you put them to bed. Easy to accomplish if childcare is next door/in house.
If the other parent is half an hour away, unless they are coming to your house to care for the children, you don't get as much time before/after work. And you may well not want them at your house.

Original poster
Franwith2and1 · 14/06/2017 14:03

I have a solicitor who I am seeing tomorrow. I was hoping he would see the benefits of being left to reside in our lovely house but appears not. He had a dig st me for not having them more than one night off half term so it appears he want some to be stay st home dad in the one hand and provoke me when I then don't have them. Anyway many thanks for the views and of course I would not leave them with any old person but just figured he is going to object no matter who it is so wondered whether he has such a say!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/06/2017 20:12

I said up thread, no he doesn't have the right to dictate. He has the right to raise any genuine concerns through the appropriate channels.

It sounds as though he is trying to bully you into agreeing to whatever he wants.

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