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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Dh won't accept it's over

32 replies

thistoosha11pass · 16/04/2017 22:32

The title says it all. Historically bad behaviour from him, porn addiction, camming, online affairs. I've tried to save it, and then later have been trying to end it, lack of confidence and insecurity stopped me. 10yr Marriage is now dead in the water, no sex for 3 years, separate rooms, no trust, just a waste of fucking time.

But he won't have it. I know he's not happy but does not want to live apart from his kids and is refusing to accept that it's over. I ended it last week but I'm just not getting through to him that it's not working. We are hurting the kids with this model of relationships.

Anyone been through this? Is it a phase that we/he will work through? At the moment he is swinging between being a vortex of doom, a nasty bastard and father of the year. I'm so fucking tired and I just want to move on.

OP posts:
misswhatdoto2 · 16/04/2017 22:55

Flowers it's so draining isn't it??

I'm my case I just had to keep raising the issue. Repeatedly asked for him to attend mediation with me to discuss separating and logistics but wouldn't so told him I was going to solicitor. I don't think he actually believed me until the letters from solicitor hit the doormat. Just waiting to hear back on draft divorce petition from his solicitors now so can be submitted and 70% there on discussing finances. Good luck... if anything it proves to yourself that there is DEFINITELY more to life than this! Xxx

Original poster
thistoosha11pass · 17/04/2017 07:11

It is utterly draining, sorry you are going through it too and well done on getting as far as you have👍🏻
He is depressed and clinging on to the kids like some kind of life raft. The thing is, I so want it to be amicable, i could be a bitch from hell, I could have booted him out when o found his profile on adult friend finder but I didn't should have in hindsight.

He has always been a bit of a victim, despite having a good job, there is a lot of poor me, his health isn't great but he does very little to address it, self care is poor, doesn't brush his teeth for example. Classic depression, but I can't spend the rest of my life managing him Sad I think I'll sink in to my own depression again soon if I don't get away, my poor kids.

OP posts:
bigchris · 17/04/2017 07:16

Have you got a planguage of what you want to happen ? Are you and kids able to move out or do you need him to move out or are you selling up and dividing everything 50 50?

I'd just get on with solicitors etc

bigchris · 17/04/2017 07:17

Plan , sorry Smile

PurpleWithRed · 17/04/2017 07:22

Grit your teeth and stick it out - if it helps Google 'stages of grief' where you will see denial and bargaining are two of the stops along the way. This will pass - he will move on and/or you will be living separately anyway so you won't have to witness it.

IME separation is like childbirth - messy and painful, but a relatively short investment in time when you consider the benefits of the outcome.

One thing - don't expect it to be amicable. We all want it to be amicable and bits of it will be amicable/easy, but even the most amicable separations have their difficult moments and your DH doesn't sound like a particularly pleasant or generous-spirited person.

Original poster
thistoosha11pass · 17/04/2017 07:51

Bigchris I have a part time job, do all the school runs, clubs, dinner, half of bedtimes so I want to stay in this house. It's near their school, it's in the children's best interest to stay here. He just keeps saying he's not goingConfused
He swings from saying in the past that he'll move away to now he wants 50:50.

I will google the stages of grief, perhaps this is part of it. I think I need to harden up and get on with it. I worry if I push him he will say inappropriate things in front of the kids. He's already told my dad "mummy doesn't want me to have fun, just work until I die" and last week he told me he wanted me to die! Life is too bloody short Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
thistoosha11pass · 17/04/2017 07:52

My dad?? My dc ffs

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MrsBertBibby · 17/04/2017 08:52

What are you waiting for him to do?

You want out, so start divorce proceedings, get advice from a solicitor and just crack on.

nackle · 17/04/2017 09:06

I know it's quite standard advice but try women's aid, OP, saying he wants you to die is a step too far. I would want to see him out of the
house after that pronouncement and they may be able to help you
on that.

trussstinmeee · 17/04/2017 09:45

I think you may be weary of the whole relationship and the fight has gone out of you. I felt the same for a while when my first marriage ended.

My advice to you is you must fake that fight till you make it by making your plan and as long as it's fair don't waver from it. Get your oomph back by talking it through with those who care about you. The marriage is over and as long as you know that H will have to face up to it. How he does that is up to him. You can help the whole process for you by separating formally and one of you moving out permanently.

Going limp like this is H's strategy to stall or prevent the inevitable. H is not your friend nor your obligation now.

Original poster
thistoosha11pass · 17/04/2017 10:21

Mrs Bert I guess I want a mature equal approach to this to limit the damage to the children's lives. Divorcing him whilst we live together and with his resistance is not ideal. But I guess if I want it then that's what I'll have to do

OP posts:
Original poster
thistoosha11pass · 17/04/2017 10:22

Trustinme yes! Limp is exactly how I feel, done it too long, fed up and so used to denial I'm almost complicit. Need to get my mojo back

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misswhatdoto2 · 17/04/2017 11:43

Just keep telling yourself this is just a difficult phase. I've also had had him telling me he wants/ has tried to kill himself. Telling ds that mummy doesn't daddy anymore and that I'm taking him to court! All while not telling me he's saying these things so I've tried to protect dcs by not saying anything while we're still under the same roof but then looking like I'm lying and hiding something from kids. I refuse for ds especially to have this hanging over his head knowing so much so actually spurring me on to get this sorted sooner rather than later. Anyway, I digress slightly there!
All I can say is that it's amazing how much comes to light with what kind of person they really are and what they really think of you when at this stage. Good luck xxx

ANewDawn · 17/04/2017 18:07

Christ OP your STBXH sounds just like mine. He is Mr Victim and has his head firmly stuck in the sand. He's also talked about suicide. And I detest him for telling our 12 yo DD that too. Fucker
I've tried doing it nicely but he's played on my heartstrings and dragged things out. It's been nearly a year, I'm a fool.

He's been served with the divorce petition. I'm now on tenterhooks as he's only had legal advice on the phone the other day Hmm he had a rant about all that saying I'm a bully and I'm underhand. Just because I asked him to reply to the petition. I also said if he wanted to contest it, the lawyers would be the only winners and our legal fees would be eye watering.

My advice; just crack on with it as quickly as possible. Don't engage and quietly scream inside Grin

ANewDawn · 17/04/2017 18:10

Miss What - spot on - you really do find out what they're really like and it's shocking

Original poster
thistoosha11pass · 17/04/2017 18:27

Anewdawn I'm sad but glad I'm not the only one Flowers my friend told me today " you are the lead character in your story, you can choose the next chapter". She is damn right and I know that's exactly what I need to do. It's bloody hard though! I'm so used to rolling over, it will be hard to stick to my guns and make my life better. Detach detach detach

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ANewDawn · 18/04/2017 11:30

You're absolutely right OP. I'm used to rolling over too, which is one reason why this farce has taken so long. Your friend is right too. Strength to you and other PPs going through the same. It's truly horrendous

rosiebrown · 18/04/2017 18:31

My DP won't even talk to me! Like you have simply had enough. 10 years of an emotionally abusive relationship and I just want to move on. Have finally seen the light and know it can't get better, no matter how much I want it too. Amazed by how little I feel about the situation but desperate to get the right outcome for our dds.

Problem is we live in his house and aren't married. He won't live apart from the kids despite not lifting a finger to help day to day and working away (overnight) three days a week. So it seems my only option is to be the one to leave, but don't know where this leaves me with regards to our dds... anyone got any advice?

CreamTeaTotty · 18/04/2017 22:44

Yep.... Ive got one of those. It's been shite for 8 bloody years and I'm finally divorcing him. Every step has been a nightmare and NOW he's saying he won't move out even after Decree Absolute. Nasty twat.

Gather all your friends and family around you - tell them what's happening, cos you'll need the support.

I could almost have written your post myself. Hugs xxx

ANewDawn · 19/04/2017 10:28

Cream and Rosie - what awful situations. 8 years - that makes me shiver.

These men must have some kind of mental disorder to be so cruel. I think mine has borderline personality disorder. Mine too does next to no childcare. Apparently the kids mean the world to him. And I meant the world to him too. Funny that it never felt like it. Talk is cheap.

Rosie - I think you'd have to take legal advice. You will be entitled to something and clearly it can't go on

Hermonie2016 · 19/04/2017 13:21

Newdawn, I do think the high conflict men (or women) have some mental disorder as the actions and words are so irrational.Its very difficult to explain to people outside as they assume more rational behaviour so assume you can reason with them.I wish I had recorded stbxh is mediation as no one would believe how erratic his behaviour was.

OP, I had assumed my stbxh would be reasonable and we could make this amicable but I've had to realise it's not going to be like that, no matter how much I wish it.
The worse position you can be in is to divorce a "controlling victim", but its do'able.It won't be a pleasant process but achievable.I think you have to push on and just try to focus on the end goal.

Original poster
thistoosha11pass · 19/04/2017 15:57

Well after another long conversation last night he said "if we end it..." I said what do you mean IF??! I ended it last week! Cue more crying, "I can't believe it", "you've not given me a chance blah blah

I literally repeated myself and now I'm feeling sorry for him again. His mental health is poor and he is having medical tests for a chronic condition and his dad died last year. So not good timing but it never has been really. I feel so guilty as he will literally try any tack so I'll back down, us staying together for him seems to be about keeping the status quo not feelingsSad

I feel so trapped.

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ANewDawn · 19/04/2017 18:04

Sounds so familiar. Mine also said it wasn't fair because I hadn't given him a chance. No, not me, I gave him no chances over the last few years Hmm Bloody cheek. The amount of times was unreal. Maybe I should have given him an ultimatum but that still wouldn't have been fair.

He also did the same and said he was too ill, too stressed, too busy blah blah blah. Cue a years wait. And he still accuses me of rushing himm, putting him under pressure, being unfair. I know I can't win now. Back away slowly is my motto! I did bite earlier on an email. I should know better...

ANewDawn · 19/04/2017 18:07

Hermoine - what was his behaviour like in mediation then?

Hermonie2016 · 19/04/2017 19:46

Newdawn, normally stbxh is Mr Nice Guy especially in front of people so I actually thought he would be Mr Charm, instead he walked in furious, teeth clenched.He demanded to know if I was recording the session (wish I had)..it was all said very dramatically.He started yelling he was being bullied when the mediator was listing the assets and trying to show he was demanding more than 50%.He took the pen off the mediator at one point as she was "getting it wrong".He argued with me across the table, sneering at any of my expenses such as petrol.."she doesnt need that".He refused to allow costs for dc's usual clubs or holiday clubs whilst I worked.Just totally belligerent and I think aimed at making me regret leaving.He also claimed he had no money in his bank accounts, over the top statements saying "I have 6p in that account, 1p in that account"

He was really degorarory giving me an offer, which amounted to 3% of his salary and only for 1 year! It was just awful and mediator was clearly intimidated and spoke to him so gently but gave him full air time.I had warned her he was very hostile and she promised me she would keep it balanced but I felt completely bullied for several hours as he never let up.I am usually confident but it shook me so much.

I just remained quiet for most of it, when really I should have walked out but think I was in shock.
Mediator never passed a comment but agreed mediation would not work and gave me cert so I could apply to court.