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Partners ex insistant on joining our family do!

69 replies

Stepyodaddy · 14/09/2016 09:58

Weird situation. Not sure where to post this but thought this may be the most appropriate section.

My partner gets on with her ex enough so they can be civil (most of the time). She quite dislikes him for a number of reasons and has no desire whatsoever to socialise with him but she’s pleasant and civil.

I get on with him as much as I'm civil and polite when I come in contact with him. He’s not my kind of person so I also have no desire to socialise with him.

It's my step daughters 5th birthday in a couple of weeks. We've arranged to go out after school to a pottery painting place and then go for a meal. Myself, my partner, her parents, bother and sister, the kids……etc.

Her ex then announced the other day that he had been invited by his daughter and what time was the meal! My partner told him that it’s a family affair for her immediate family and he isn’t invited as it will make the whole thing massively awkward for everyone. He replied that his daughter had invited him so he will be there. My partner told him that it isn’t their daughters place to invite people as she is 5 years old and doesn’t understand the dynamics of our family and that he should have discussed it with her before saying he would come. She made it very clear he wasn’t invited and isn’t welcome. He’s insistent upon coming.

What are your thoughts on this situation? There have been a few occasions where he’s disregarded their parenting plan and ignored my partners wishes.

OP posts:
IToldYouIWasFreaky · 14/09/2016 13:57

Of course it can't always be about children but for a couple of hours on her birthday, could you and your partner not just set your own feelings aside and make it all about her? Be the adult here. Accept that you might not have a nice time for a while so that a 5 year old DOES.

Cherryskypie · 14/09/2016 13:57

People read what they want to read. The parenting plan is mentioned in the OP as is the fact that the ex has ignored it more than once.

MrsBertBibby · 14/09/2016 14:29

Parenting plans can be changed, you know. Sounds like this one should be.

My ex was all kinds of arsehole to me, but birthdays when our son was small were always open for him to come by my house to do cake and stuff after work /school. He was invariably a knob, but our little boy didn't know that, he just got Daddy there. If it was the weekend, the day was shared. Tooth grindingly annoying, given what a craphead he has been, but worth far more than that to see a happy boy.

It isn't so important to him now he's 12, but those early birthdays are huge. Sounds to me like thatvpart of the PP needs revision.

WannaBe · 14/09/2016 14:38

Parenting plans don't have to be written in stone unless there was violence and/or abuse involved. Given that they spend other times together this clearly wasn't the case so very much sounds as if one parent is trying to assert authority over the other.

Agree with PP that when they're little birthdays etc are important to the child and if they get mummy and daddy together in the same place then that is important to them.

When the child grows up the thing she will remember is how much (or little) her parents actually managed to put their differences aside for her sake.

There are a lifetime of events ahead, birthdays as they grow up, but graduations, wedding, christenings, grandchildren's birthdays, and there will come a point when the parents no longer get to decide and the child, who will be grown up one day, will be able to say (look, I want you both there. So if you can't put your differences aside then the one who is being the arsehole gets to stay away."

People seem to forget that children aren't children for ever.

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 14/09/2016 14:39

I read it Cherry. I just didn't realise that it was an offical Parenting Plan, involving a solicitor, as the picture the OP was painting was of a general civil (but not friendly) arrangement between everyone.

Stepyodaddy · 14/09/2016 14:47

It could have just been so easily solved if he'd have just said:

"Thanks for the invite DD. I can't come but I'll see you the day after and we'll have a 2nd special birthday meal'"

She would have been completely happy with that.

OP posts:
MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 14/09/2016 15:07

It's true, he has created the issue that didn't need to exist and that's a shame. It seems he like to create problems rather than do what's best for all involved.

Fishface77 · 19/09/2016 18:05

Good for the people who can put their feelings to one side and deal with their ex's and in a civil manner!
However not everyone can and yes it would be nice to put the child's feelings first but this is not always practical or doable is it?
What if it was the child's DMs birthday and they'd planned something special and he insisted on coming because his DC wanted him there?
It's not always appropriate and if she's having 2 celebrations he could come to the other one.

Fishface77 · 19/09/2016 18:06

And fuck me! Why would he want to come?? Surely he'll fee uncomfortable?!

SandyY2K · 19/09/2016 21:40

Does he know where the party or meal will be? Does he know the pottery place?

He can't come if he's not invited by your partner. End of story. I'd actually change the date and say no more.

You don't have to tell the 5 year old about the change. At that age they go where they're taken. Why would he want to be there creating awkwardness.

Next time it's best not to tell DD unless you want the word spread.

Notapodling · 23/09/2016 12:58

It's a five year old's birthday and she wants her dad there. Yes, it's awkward for the split parents but they're the adults in the room. It's not that hard for the adults to put a smile on their faces and be nice to each other for a few hours to make a child happy on her birthday.
And frankly, I think it's thoughtless to arrange a celebration on a young child's birthday that explicitly excludes her father. Of course, she'd want him there.
Unless there are DV or safety issues, he should have been invited.

ayeokthen · 23/09/2016 13:04

Sounds to me like the ex is delighting in causing all this awkwardness and worry and that its fuck all to do with him wanting to do right by his daughter. Why can't he just go to her party and then organise his own birthday meal for her?

ayeokthen · 23/09/2016 13:05

Also, I think stepparents on here get a rough time. My DP has been more of a father to my DS than his own will ever be, yet according to most on here my DS is none of his business?

hermione2016 · 26/09/2016 09:45

I think you might have to go with this as your dsd asked her dad. He could have said no but she did ask him and he said yes.

Next year be more prepared and tell her about the friends party where her dad will be invited.B y secondary school age its different so is only for a finite period.

I know it's awkward but there are only a few events in the children's lives where parents need to suck it up.Birthdays for younger children, their award ceremonies, their graduations and their wedding.


neonrainbow · 26/09/2016 09:54

If you were the childs mother and said your difficult ex was crashing a birthday celebration that you'd arranged for your 5 year old and you didn't want him there because he can be a bit of a prick you'd be getting a lot of different responses.

Only1scoop · 26/09/2016 10:01

Can he just do the 'pottery painting' maybe and see her on the day?

airforsharon · 27/09/2016 10:29

Yes she's only 5 so it's natural she'd invite her Dad along but after reading the whole post i'm getting the strong feeling that her dad is only pushing to come because he knows it'll cause upset. There's a clear parenting plan in place to avoid this. He could easily have said 'sorry dd i won't come that day but when i see you at the weekend we're going to do x/y/z as a birthday treat'.

Imo small children are perfectly happy to have more than one 'do' and not too bothered about when those dos are.

You mentioned she's having a party for friends he's invited to in a couple of weeks - has he arranged to do anything special for her himself?

Bettybecks12 · 27/09/2016 13:46

The ex has nothing to do with the new family set up - why can't he turn up before the real party starts and spend some time with the kid. He seems insistant on making things awkward and uncomfortable.

SpareASquare · 27/09/2016 14:07

My ex has been a crap dad, was a crap husband and just all round crap.

A few years down the track and my 8yr old wanted him to come to her birthday dinner. It had been years since we really spoke and he hadn't really been around that much. So, what did I do? I invited him. He came, sat at the table with my children and I as well as my family. I survived and my child was thrilled.
My older children were also most impressed with me. Sure, I wanted to stab him with my fork but I'm big enough to suppress those feelings and grit my teeth for a few hours for my child.
She sat between us and had a wonderful night. For me, it WAS about my child and HER feelings. Was HER birthday after all.

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