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Partners ex insistant on joining our family do!

69 replies

Stepyodaddy · 14/09/2016 09:58

Weird situation. Not sure where to post this but thought this may be the most appropriate section.

My partner gets on with her ex enough so they can be civil (most of the time). She quite dislikes him for a number of reasons and has no desire whatsoever to socialise with him but she’s pleasant and civil.

I get on with him as much as I'm civil and polite when I come in contact with him. He’s not my kind of person so I also have no desire to socialise with him.

It's my step daughters 5th birthday in a couple of weeks. We've arranged to go out after school to a pottery painting place and then go for a meal. Myself, my partner, her parents, bother and sister, the kids……etc.

Her ex then announced the other day that he had been invited by his daughter and what time was the meal! My partner told him that it’s a family affair for her immediate family and he isn’t invited as it will make the whole thing massively awkward for everyone. He replied that his daughter had invited him so he will be there. My partner told him that it isn’t their daughters place to invite people as she is 5 years old and doesn’t understand the dynamics of our family and that he should have discussed it with her before saying he would come. She made it very clear he wasn’t invited and isn’t welcome. He’s insistent upon coming.

What are your thoughts on this situation? There have been a few occasions where he’s disregarded their parenting plan and ignored my partners wishes.

OP posts:
dowhatnow · 14/09/2016 11:46

Or suck it up for the sake of the dd if all the other invitees would like him there too.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 14/09/2016 11:56

I'm sorry but I think it would be very weird for him to come and I don't think it's appropriate. She wouldn't remember if it was handled correctly and he could have his own celebration with her for her birthday if he wanted.
Her parents have separated, you can't avoid the consequences.

Stepyodaddy · 14/09/2016 12:05

Gillybeanz. I bring up his children. I take them to school, nursery, pick them, up, clean their bums, wipe their sick up, cook them tea, fund their lives. I'll put them through school, college and university, teach them to drive, help them get a car. I have a child with their mother who is the girls brother. I agree that he is more their immediate family. But to say it's nothing to do with me is a bit far fetched.

OP posts:
Stepyodaddy · 14/09/2016 12:06

If he was friendly an not causing her constant hassle we would be happy for him to be their. It works two ways. He's rude, insulting and demanding.

OP posts:
WhatWouldCoachBombayDo · 14/09/2016 12:07

I'd say fine come, and then deliberately make it very akward for him with snide remarks and humiliating stories but I'm a bitch when pissed off and my ex husband was physically and emotionally abusive, I'd have a field day.

However if for some reason me and DP split and our DS wanted him at his birthday, we'd be civil for DS sake and if I didn't have a new partner of probably sit there pining for him Blush

Cherryskypie · 14/09/2016 12:13

I don't understand why you're getting hassle. If you'd posted as your partner and said, "My ex has been a nightmare, caused loads of hassle and is now insisting that he comes to a meal with my family and DD," you'd have had different reactions.

Yes, it's great if you can have an amicable split and do joint things but it doesn't sound amicable and this is a family meal - a family he isn't part of.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2016 12:14

There's absolutely no reason for him to gate crash the celebration your DP has arranged, it's bat shit crazy that posters above are saying what the child wants goes, how on earth is it going to give her a good night if her mother's stressed and unhappy about the ex showing up uninvited!

My DSC get two separate birthdays, they alternate spending their actual birthday with Mum and Dad and have two separate celebrations.

My situation growing up was completely different as my DM always organised everything and my DF and DSM were invited and attended, but the difference is they were always friendly and got on. This is NOT the case with the OP, his DP and her ex.

Civil is completely different to friendly. And to those saying the current civility is threatened by the OPs DP not giving in to her demanding ex, I'm sorry, but worse can be said of the ex, who's not bothered enough to plan something of his own to celebrate his DC's birthday and is trying to bully his way in to this one knowing it's unfair and going to potentially ruin it.

He's a twat and you're absolutely right to support your DP in telling him to fuck off and have his own party. If this crap continues, can you change the venue and/or time?

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 14/09/2016 12:14

Her parents have separated, you can't avoid the consequences.

No, but you can handle them to be as least disruptive to the child as possible.

DS's dad left us when he was 4. It was not at all amicable as he had an affair...

For the first couple of years, I did what we'd always done for DS's birthdays and invited the whole family (DS's whole family so my parents and siblings and Exp's parents, siblings and kids) for tea at my house. However, I found this really stressful and awkward (and think the other adults attending probably did too) so I stopped.

Now what happens is that DS will have a party with friends on the weekend closest to his birthday which ExP will attend and help out at. We'll also go out for dinner on DS's actual birthday with me, ExP and my mum and usually my sister and SIL as well. It's not ideal for me but I suck it up because it means a lot to DS to have both his parents there on his actual birthday. ExP will usually arrange for DS to see his side of the family at some point too but I don't concern myself with that any more.

Of course it's her bloody party and of course she should have a say in who attends! It's not like she wants her whole class to come, just her dad. Poor kid. Sad

Mummydummy · 14/09/2016 12:15

I dont suppose he'll get easier to deal with if he's excluded from his DD's birthday. Yes its a two way street but is anyone seeing it from his perspective? Maybe he feels he's just been replaced? The birthday plans sound a bit like it.

In the long term both parents need to put the child first in the civility stakes. They deserve two loving parents but not necessarily together. So I'd be saying of course you should be there and we all must make an effort to get along in the interests of the DD.

Generally I'd say a Dads for life not just for 5 years so you'd expect him to be there every year from now and until her wedding, christening of the first GC etc.

Maki79 · 14/09/2016 12:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the posters request.

Cherryskypie · 14/09/2016 12:17

It sounds like he enjoys pushing boundaries and getting his own way.

JeffersonCrisp · 14/09/2016 12:19

Agree with Arf.

I don't speak or have anything to do with my ex but when it was my sons wedding I was pefectly polite but managed to avoid any lengthy conversations with him all day.

I've also been to school plays for my DSD where her mum was there and recently DH, me, DH ex and her partner went foe a meal with DSD and her boyfriend because DSD wanted us all there.

Be the bigger person, you don't have to be all chatty and matey with him.

Mycatsabastard · 14/09/2016 12:20

Oh god, my ex kept doing this. Demanding to be present when it was my teen's birthday - it was my immediate family and dd's friends. He wasn't invited and he got really stroppy about it. He couldn't see how awkward it would be for everyone - particularly if my dad decided to lamp him one for all the shit he'd put me through (DV).

He also demanded I get him tickets to things Dp and I were doing with the dc. So he could join us. Just fuck off you big twat and sort out something yourself.

This guy can do something with his dd the next day or that weekend. This is the ultimate in lazy parenting. One parent does all the organising and the other just wants to hang on the coat tails. Tell him to sort out something himself.

Stepyodaddy · 14/09/2016 12:21

Because they have a parenting plan. Overseen and signed with solicitors. In the parenting plan it states whichever parents day their birthday falls on is the parent that has them for that day. The only exception is Christmas where it will be alternated every year. Therefore it's been down in black and white and has been adhered to for the past 3 years. We would have like dot have seen them on their birthdays but we just accepted that it'd be our turn next year or the year after. some you win, some you lose.

OP posts:
Stepyodaddy · 14/09/2016 12:22

The problem is that overtime she's nice to him he takes the mick and takes advantage of her. This is why the parenting plan was needed to keep things rigid because we've tried being flexible and it's a nightmare.

OP posts:
Cherryskypie · 14/09/2016 12:25

I'd say refer him back to the Parenting Plan and make sure you're there early to pick her up from school.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 14/09/2016 12:30

Yep, agree. Refer him to plan and point out that making a fuss will only impact her. When there's been something similar, my DP has said he's working (most of the time is) but it avoids upset and his children understand this.
He will get his chance when her birthday falls on his day. Please bear in mind though as a step-parent, the majority are replaceable, especially where their real mum or dad is still in their lives. Parents are not.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 14/09/2016 12:32

I have exactly the same set up - DH, DD (his step-daughter) and I all live together and have done for 5 years. XH (DD's dad) lives about 1.5 hours away but sees DD alternate weekends and 1/2 the holidays.

I get on reasonably well with XH, as does DH - we don't socialise together as such and we are very different people (one of the reasons we split!).

XH has asked to be at every birthday event DD has had since we split, and because she wants him there (although the older she gets the less likely I think this will be) we agree. You know, ideally I'd prefer not to, mainly because it adds complications from a practical perspective as XH doesn't drive and we live in the sticks now, so it means ferrying him to/from the station/house/venue when we're already preoccupied with the party/activity itself. But it's her birthday and he's her dad, so we do it with smiles on our faces. N.B. he often has an additional celebration with all his family when she's next at his, I have never asked to be present but am pretty sure I would be welcome if I did.

This won't last forever, and if your DD would like her dad at her main birthday celebration then, unless he is a bastard, I don't see why he shouldn't be there.

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 14/09/2016 12:33

So, in the OP, they get on and things are civil and now you reveal that things are actually so bad that a Parenting Plan is required? Hmm

Stepyodaddy · 14/09/2016 12:36

I said things are civil when face to face. in front of the children. It comes and goes. He's usually really nice for a period of time but then it becomes apparent that he wants a favour. Then he's an arse again.

OP posts:
Stepyodaddy · 14/09/2016 12:43

Basically it could have all been easily avoided. When she asked him if he'd come he could have just said he didn't think it appropriate and that he'll see her the next day anyway and they'll have their own birthday bash. She wouldn't have even been fussed. Anyways. Thanks for the responses. He doesn't know what time we're going anyway.

OP posts:
WannaBe · 14/09/2016 12:43

The issue here is that nobody in this situation is actually putting the child at the centre of this. "It's not her party," "we have a plan with solicitors meaning it's our day," what about the child in all this?

All the adults in this equation are bickering over a five year old child as if she's a doll to be passed back and forth. Has anyone actually considered her feelings in all this bitterness and resentment? The adults here are acting more like spoiled children than the child is, and all need to grow up.

Ultimately, this little girl wants her daddy at her party on her birthday. So who's going to be the one to tell her she can't. Who's going to be the one to tell her that now mummy and daddy aren't together she doesn't get to choose to have both parents in one place because they can't put their own feelings aside for long enough to put their child's feelings first?

In future years you can sell the idea to her that she can have two parties, one with mummy and one with daddy. Discuss between yourselves well in advance what you want the plans for her birthday to be. but for this year she wants her daddy to come to her birthday party and it's far too short notice now to tell her that she can't.

Suck it up for a couple of hours. You all have another decade or more of this ahead of you. It's going to be a long decade if you can't put your feelings aside for a couple of hours every now and then.

Stepyodaddy · 14/09/2016 13:02

It's quite simple really. The idea was to go out and have a nice time. Not to go out and 'pretend' to have a nice time while 6 out of 7 were wishing they weren't there.

Yes, children's feelings and desires are important but so are adults and I don't agree it is always about the children. It's a compromise between what they want and what we want.

At the end of the day we would have just had tea at home if we knew it was going to go this way.

OP posts:
JenLindleyShitMom · 14/09/2016 13:12

Yes, children's feelings and desires are important but so are adults and I don't agree it is always about the children

On a 5 year old's birthday, when you are going out to do an Activity and have a dinner for that birthday it kind of gets to be about the child. She is 5.

WannaBe · 14/09/2016 13:46

"Yes, children's feelings and desires are important but so are adults and I don't agree it is always about the children" on the child's birthday then yes, it is about the child.

And when it comes to the relationship between the child and her parents I'm afraid that none of it is about you. as hard as that is you're not her parent, and when it comes to the child's wishes as to whether she gets to spend time with both her parents your opinion doesn't come into it.

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