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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Divorce/separation

Can I stop ex having overnights

28 replies

Lonelylass1218 · 08/07/2015 06:58

Me and my partner have just split up and have a 9month old lo. Lo is very unsettled at night time and I am working on this and having small improvements. Giving its me who will have lo the most of the time I want lo in a routine and to sleep peacefully at night. Ex has stated he wants lo for overnights 2 per week. I am happy for lo to spend the days there put do not want to have overnights until lo is sleeping better and a little older so not to get confused with what's going on. I said this to my ex in a message last night and no reply. If he doesn't agree and forces the over nights is there anything I can do?

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WeAreEternal · 08/07/2015 07:07

No there isn't, he is her parent too, she is entitled to spend as much time with him as you.
What makes you think he is incapable of giving her the same level of care overnight as you?

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Lweji · 08/07/2015 07:12

I'm not sure there's much we can do about babies sleeping well at night, actually.

Give it a go and see if it works out.

If the nights are that unsettled he may be the first to want to go back to days.
But those two nights could become part of your LO's routine. And for all we know, his dad's approach may work better than yours.

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00100001 · 08/07/2015 07:33

Nope.

She might sleep better at Dad's.

Also you do need to consider what you would feel like if ex did this to you. Say he had little one for the majority of the time, and you asked to have your child two nights a week. And he said no, the baby gets unsettled, so you can only have them for the days.

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Lonelylass1218 · 08/07/2015 08:05

I want him to have time with him I would never stop him having his child. My point is he is living back at his parents and anytime we have visited that house lo has screamed the entire time. It's a very loud, small and busy household where people also smoke in the house or out the door which when I have been there fills the house with the smell of smoke. Lo has a perfect routine at home and everything is very smooth so I don't want her thrown in and taken for two full days and nights o spend the time crying and upset. I think doing two full days only at the minute or even more days would be better until she is used to his family and home then do over nights.

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Lonelylass1218 · 08/07/2015 08:11

Anytime before we had split up and ex took lo to his parents house for the day he came back after 2-3 hours because all lo did was cry so my point is that I don't not want my child crying for long periods when she could be weaned I to it and get used to being there

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TheOddity · 08/07/2015 08:17

I was still breastfeeding through the night at that age. Totally see where you're coming from. Daddy couldn't give the same care as me. No advice except could you specify a date to start the overnights? And maybe start with nap time.

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NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 08/07/2015 08:19

all of that smacks of I'm better than him I'm the parent he should do what I say!

You say you want himto spend time with the child yet your contradicting this by saying not over night, so only on your terms!

How is he meant to get his routine if you don't let him, actuslly by having such an apparently good routine, your going to confuse her more if suddenly it's go to your dads two nights a week, doing it now and her never knowing the difference is better. It becomes her routine and she'll sleep and behave better at both houses!

How is she meant to get used to being there if she's not there!

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Lonelylass1218 · 08/07/2015 08:22

Yes he can't provide the same care at all he is clueless and does silly things. Lo was on an antibiodic and cream and was not allowed other pain relief while on it as it was contained within the cream I told him this twice and he didn't listen. His sister give the child capol because she would settle :0 they think she is always in pain when we are up there and that's why she cries but it's not she genuinely gets scared because it's the kinda house which is really small but always has around 10 people in there. Lo has 2 cousins which are always in that house with no manners and the jump about screaming and poking her. No one except me does anything to stop them so I am just concerned that she will have a bad time. I know once she is bigger she will be able to speak for herself and do whatever

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Lonelylass1218 · 08/07/2015 08:28

Well I am the parent and he should do as I say because I have been the one with her 24/7 for the past 9 months. I know my child and what she needs, he would sit and listen to her cry and not know what's wrong even tho her lunch time has been the same time for months !

All I was asking was if there is a way I can refuse overnights until he has managed a few days on his own with her to they both get used to it rather than stressing them both out with two full days and two over nights straight away.

My ex is the type who 'never heard lo crying I the morning' would turn over and pretend to still me sleeping at 6am while I got up and he would lay in bed until 2/3pm so I think they should be weaned into it

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Sweetsecret · 08/07/2015 08:56

Hi LL, I understand your concerns, and you are feeling anxious about it.
Yes he does have every right to request he has her overnight. But maybe suggest one night to begin with?
Unfortunately your hands are tied and you do have to let her go.
Would you be willing to compromise? give him one night and see how he and she gets on?
Like PP have said he may not want to do it after a few times if like you say she screams the whole time.

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SurlyCue · 08/07/2015 09:12

Why do women have babies with stupid men? Does that make the women stupid for choosing stupid to procreate with?

Anyway, in the words of judge judy "you chose him" he is the person you chose to have shared parental responsibility for your child. You dont get to delete him when the fuzzy butterflies disappear. I'm sure there is stuff you do wrong too that he could easily say you shouldnt have the child for.

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WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 08/07/2015 09:26

Are you breastfeeding?

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WeAreEternal · 08/07/2015 09:31

Well I am the parent and he should do as I say

Seriously?!
I find this kind of attitude utterly disgusting. He is just as much her parent as you, he has just as much right to spend time with her and raise her.
Have you ever considered that he may not 'have a clue' because you have never given him chance, by being with her 24/7 and doing everything for her you have never given him the opportunity to learn what her cries mean or her routine.

But to answer your question again, no you can't refuse to allow him the overnight visits, and honestly I think it would be wrong to try, they both have to learn and adjust there is no reason to delay it other than your own desire.
The only thing you could suggest is that it start as two separate nights so maybe Wednesday and Saturday rather than two days together, just to ease the transition.

But honestly, you need to put your own feeling aside and support your DD into her new routine.

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leoteddy · 08/07/2015 09:32

I don't know why people are being so horrible to you OP. I wouldn't want that either

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OllyBJolly · 08/07/2015 09:40

I wouldn't want that either

Very few people choose this for their children, but it's not all about what one parent wants. Surlycue puts it so well he is the person you chose to have shared parental responsibility for your child

I didn't want my children to go with their dad at first but that's not my choice. He is equally their parent. Lots of things he did with them I didn't approve of - as long as they're not in danger that's his choice.

If the dad hasn't had a lot of experience of sole care then it's no surprise he's less able than the mum. But he'll learn - and might end up better at many things.

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bridgetsmummy · 08/07/2015 09:42

I totally agree with surlycue and weareeternal

This child has 2 parents, neither has more rights than the other.

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NickiFury · 08/07/2015 10:00

I have more rights than my children's father. Always have, always will. Because he's useless. He makes no effort to know what they need or to provide practical care for them. We have been separated for over five years. He has had them overnight around four times. He is flaky and unreliable and has occasionally smacked them for no good reason. He doesn't liaise with school or doctors for their additional needs.

If a parent is ineffectual and makes no effort to be less so then they have less say. The only real "rights" here are for the dc to have a relationship with their father.

OP I wouldn't be happy either. Would he hang on a few months till she's a little bit older and you feel happier about things?

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Lonelylass1218 · 08/07/2015 10:24

Thanks Nicki

I am hoping he will understand where I am coming from. Lo is a very demanding baby and needs a solid routine or she falls to pieces and I don't think inflicting our separation on her is fair. I told him he could see her as many hours everyday that he wants wether it's at my home, his or somewhere else but I think all day and over night plus another day is too much for her. She really does not cope well at all being away from home for long. I would like him to wait until lo has been at his for a good few hours per day without being upset or crying the whole day until she stays over night or two consecutive days/nights. I am in no way trying to stop a child seeing their father or interfere with their relationship. This is a man I love dearly so I would not want to hurt him. I just want what's best for my child and I know what that is

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SurlyCue · 08/07/2015 10:42

It would be a very good idea to get him to come and do her evening routine with you a few evenings a week so that he can learn how she settles best and what her routine is.

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SurlyCue · 08/07/2015 10:44

Graduating to him doing it alone at your house and then at his house.

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Lweji · 08/07/2015 12:03

Who has the rights here is the child and the child has the right to a good relationship with both parents and to be well taken care of.

OP, you dripped fed quite a bit and what you have asked in later posts was not exactly the same as in your OP.

I'd agree that if he was not used to her on his own at all that it would be better for the child if he did get used to days and then nights.

If you have concerns about the level of care he or his family will provide, stick to the most conservative forms of contact and let him prove himself.

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Smorgasboard · 08/07/2015 17:50

The smoke in the house I would have most issue with. Nobody seems to have picked up on that. They should at least give a guarantee, no exceptions ( no matter how crap the weather is) of a smoke free house. Does your ex smoke? Can you trust him to uphold this rule in his parents home. I remember my sons bag and clothes stinking of it when he came back after a weekend, though I did let it slide as he was years older and was only the odd occasion. No way would I let my baby be in a smokey environment.

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Artesia · 08/07/2015 18:06

They should at least give a guarantee, no exceptions ( no matter how crap the weather is) of a smoke free house.

I agree it's revolting to have your child stinking of smoke (I know exactly how it feels as Exh smokes and it used to break my heart that DS always used to stink when he got back from his house). You'd hope any responsible parent would ensure their child is kept away from smoke but unfortunately, for the moment at least, smoking around children is still legal and I am not sure one parent can insist on the other guaranteeing a smoke free house.

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TheOddity · 09/07/2015 23:07

I have no idea of the legal ins and outs but if he loves her, and she is upset when you leave her, I would think as a loving father that would take priority over the rights and wrongs of parental access and he will want to do whatever it takes to ensure a happy transition to her staying with him.
This is prime age for separation anxiety, which is normal and shows a good bond with the primary carer (you). People saying you are both parents, blah blah are totally ignoring the very natural biological fact that babies need their mother much more than their father at that age. That is why you feel stressed about this, it not about the routine, it's about you feeling it is wrong to be apart from her two nights every week and you're right, it is wrong! Most people are not even comfortable leaving for a night out!
I think you should start with naps, then when she sleeps well in her naps, progress to one night, and once she is doing that without hours of crying, two nights. And I would be wanting regular phone calls and to be informed if she wasn't settling after a couple of hours. It's not about you and him, it is about her security and confidence for the future.

Also the smoking is not on and he should be trying to find himself a smoke free house if he wants so much weekend access. In this day and age there is no excuse for children to be brought up around passive smoking. We all no the risks. It significantly increases risk of death is she is sleeping with a smoking adult (grandma?)

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throwingpebbles · 09/07/2015 23:22

I said no to overnights until my daughter was old enough (about 18 months). It needs to be what is right for the child. Why not suggest more daytime contact instead. Penelope leach has written a very powerful book about divorce and separation which strongly advocates against tiny babies/ toddlers having regular nights away from their main home x

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