It's been three months, someone push me to move on.

[Bambino1234]

My partner decided that NYE would be a good time to tell me that he no longer was in love with me, he loved me but not as he thought he should.
This came as a bolt of lightning from nowhere, we were at an exciting point in our lives and about to start a new business venture, all was well or so I thought.

We have two children 3&4 and both work, his job was very demanding and six days a week so when we did argue it was usually because work consumed him and we were left on the sidelines.

Since leaving he has been adamant that for now there is no way back in the short term, he has been having an emotional affair with a co worker and she has also left her husband and constant texting and calling is still continuing between them.

He sent me a lot of mixed messages, almost as if he was dangling a carrot to ensure I didn't move on but I want to now, I don't want my children to see a weak woman waiting for him to want his family back.

It's been three months and he has not swayed or wobbled in his decision, before this we were worn down but happy, the demands of balancing life, work and children seemed to get us but for the most part we were in agreement that life would ease up as the children reached school age and the business took off.

I was left with no home as we were living in accomodation provided by his work, I had to quit my job as it wasn't possible to continue due to his lack of help and have had to return back to my home town so that I could receive the help and support from my parents. I have since got a new job, home and my children are settled in a new nursery environment despite all this progress I can't shake the feeling that at some point he is going to get a smack in the face and come back down to earth, does it ever happen ?!

I have seen a couple of my friends in this situation and both times the DH left as there was another woman in the picture. After a few months, the DH realised that the new garden wasn't really as good as the old garden and wanted to come back, but my friends had gone through the trauma and realised that they were actually better off.
The DHs then slobbered and begged and cried to come back. They showed no mercy when they behaved like selfish pigs, but thought they should be treated in a different way.
So I think you are at a cross roads. Personally I wouldn't put him in to your equation. What is important is what do you want? He has traumatised you without mercy.

I think that you have done an amazing amount in 3 months, so well done you. It's so hard in the begining. Give yourself time,and everyone is different.

Even if he decided tomorrow that he had made an awful mistake - would you want him back?? Look at what you have accomplished without him, and what is. To stop him doing it to you again should he come back now.

Be kind to yourslef, and be proud of yourself, you sound amazing xx

Thank you for replying.
I have been reading many different posts on here and it has helped me realise that this is pretty common, that I am not the only "one" to be faced with such a heart breaking reality.

The sensible part of me does not want him back but I don't think you can ever be sure until you are faced with the reality and then subconsciously you will have already made that decision.

I have had so many questions that of course are unanswered, even with the phone bills and her admittance he has still denied that it was anything more than friends - of course he would as he doesn't want to feel as though he has done wrong.

It was such a rapid change, a dependable man who worked hard for us as a family, we enjoyed the time we had together and this year I felt we had done more together and enjoyed each other since the children had arrived. It doesn't make sense, to have your head turned and then decide that you had actually been unhappy for " years" but never thought of mentioning it.

It is bloody horrible to be humiliated in this way and have people feel sorry for you which is the last thing you want.
However, don't think your friends and aquaintences don't feel utter contempt for your ex, because they will.
Because you are being faced with a lot of uncertainties and ifs, as in ' I wonder If he will come back etc, I think it stops you from moving on and making your own plans for your own future.
You have one life and I think you have to assume that he is not going to come back. If he does then you can think about your response then. No one says that you can't change your mind.

But the wondering is stopping you from going forward and you don't want really to give him, and his needs, and thoughts any more of your precious time.
I think you should think about yourself. You must feel terrible both physically and emotionally, so I would set about healing myself. I would start a regime of exercise and healthy eating. I would accept help from any where that is offered. I would minimise the amount of time I talk about the Rat. Talking about things is good but it keeps scratching the sore constantly.

I would ask your GP about a Mindful course which helps with anxiety and perhaps get some mild sleeping tablets so that you get some sleep.
Get a new wardrobe and cut all communication with the Ex to a minimum so that you are no longer listening to him, and therefore cutting the possibility of him hurting you any more.
Get out, even if it is just to the cinema or pub. It will distract you from sitting at home thinking ' poor me'
I would like to hear from you in a years time. You may be saying then that you had a lucky escape and he actually did you a favour.

Lots of hugs, and a pox on the rat.

Thank you holeinmyheart.
I feel humiliated yes, he was a pub landlord and we lived directly above - to know I was sat right above them whilst they were staying after closing and stealing moments together hurts me more than anything.
Both he and her are in denial about what has gone on in essence I am the scorned woman and shouldn't be feeling the way in which I do !

As far as I was aware my relationship was a strong one we had no trust issues, we were driven and looking for a business of our own and we both wanted a loving family for our children with good morals.

Instead I now have a broken family and I have been lumbered with all the stress and worry whilst he carries on with the business we had planned and keeps his emotional relationship going with her.

Bambino

Really sorry to hear what he has put you through, mine has done a similar thing, been heavily involved in his job and family came last. However, when mine suddenly announced he could not do us anymore we realised there was much more to this announcement namely Depression, this was confirmed by his boss, add that to the mix and it's hell on earth.

You have every right to feel hurt and angry, we discovered mine has OW who is alcoholic and he is now self medicating with alcohol. I am wondering if yours may have similar issues, just a thought.

Stay strong and carry on doing the excellent job you are doing protecting yourself and your children.

Jat27

Has your husband or partner had any wobbles ?! Is he still with other woman ?! How does he treat you ? Sorry for the questions but I don't know anyone that has gone through this and don't know how to handle the feelings I feel !
Are you getting on okay ?! Do you see anyway back ?!

holeinmyheart Some really good advice, I'm in a similar position to the OP and struggling to move on, he's taking time to think about what he wants (hasn't moved in with her yet) and although he has said he can't come back, I can't help holding onto the possibility and it's tearing me apart.

I'm trying to make plans and make changes but it's so hard, I'm hoping I'll eventually fall out of love with him and become neutral.

Bambino1234 Sorry not trying to hijack your thread, just wanted to say I know how you feel.

EFG thank you for replying
I have had the whole I don't know what I want - I want to be on my own , I don't want a relationship - he seems totally void to out relationship but completely incensed on continuing their emotional journey as though it is more important than his children at times.

I sometimes wonder if he doesn't want to return or acknowledge what he has done as that would mean actually taking accountability for he has done - in some ways it is probably easier to carry on and wait to see if you hit a brick wall.

I would have without doubt had my partner back up until a few weeks ago and I decided that actually, someone who can make you feel so worthless about yourself is not worth the time.

Lara x

If I'm honest, I'd have him back now, but I've made a deal with myself that once he's moved in with her, that's it, if/once that happens I'll start divorce proceedings, because then he's made a definite decision. At the moment it's like he's serving penance for what he's done, spending time thinking on his own (I think).

Which does leave me in limbo.

I've started more exercise, I'm sticking to the eating plan I was already on (except I'm not really eating enough) and trying to find more time for me. I'm making plans for some changes in the house and trying to plan further ahead for a summer holiday. Trying to look forward.

But despite all that I still feel in limbo while he decides he's definitely not coming back. I feel that I shouldn't feel this way but I can't just shut off how I feel about him, wish I could.

I'm hoping in the next few weeks I'll be where you are. I'll keep checking in with you on this thread if that's OK?

Mine keeps saying that they have "feelings" for each other - that he's not sure if this is right but he's doing it anyway and if it is wrong he'll be the loser in the long run.
Or he likes to say that this is for now doesn't mean it's forever - as if I'm supposed to see it and wait until his lust for her is over.
I'm sure that it is now a physical relationship - I'm not sure of this changes things.
I have a lot of support, I am no longer pining for him as a person I am just very angry at the moment that someone could treat another like this !
I know things happen - but I thought losing his family would be a short sharp shock and snap him out of it - that has not happened.
It seems a lot of these men do eventually return and mostly the wronged partner has moved on - I guess it's a matter of time but do we really want to wait around to be a second prize for someone when we could be somebodies first prize.

I've had some very mixed messages. I'm reassured he is genuinely ashamed of what he's done, but at the moment it's like he's got two of us dangling, which she deserves and I don't. He doesn't want to face the future he's apparently chosen but doesn't want to come back either.

I'm determined to move forward, it's just so hard and I'm not ready to completely close the door just yet.

I've reported my name change fail :)

EFG123 you move at your own pace, I have learnt that.
I look back at myself in January and it makes me utterly sad to think of that broken woman, I was desperate and begged for a man who was more interested in chasing his lust than his long term partner and children.
February he told me they would probably enter a relationship - he still continued to dangle me alongside her but slowly I lost my will to fight anymore, I do have bad days yes but mainly I am getting on in life. I was off work for weeks and started my life again from scratch.
Today I have more than I ever did with him, I am sad for my children and all that they will miss out on not living with their father but ultimately I am sad for him as he will never have what he had three months ago and that is three people who loved him unconditionally - people say a split this young won't affect the children but I see changes in them already, they will always wonder why he left so abruptly and he will live with that.
We will find happiness at the cost of nobody else , so yes we are down trodden and hurt but the only way is up and we can do that together.

Well today I started packing some of his things, it's very strange and it's going to take me a while but I've started. I feel oddly like I'm invading his privacy going through his drawers but compared to what he's done to me this is nothing and I want to do it at my pace on my terms so he'll have to put up with it. Don't want him suddenly announcing he's moving in with her and wants his stuff at short notice. There's loads of things he probably won't want but he'll have to sort through himself, I'm not keeping a shrine. At least I should get the benefit of more drawers and wardrobe space eventually.

She wants him she can have his crap.

EFG well done to you for making such a positive step in moving forward.
I found it very difficult having to leave my house with small children, as it was his works flat so I had no right to stay there, I still resent him that he had a home while I was effectively homeless and the other woman and her child were still in their homes.

How long has your partner been gone?!

I recently divorced due to h's EA over the years.
He refused to accept this and even though he initiated divorce ( on grounds that I didn't love him, therefore I was unreasonable) and over the last 4 months have been subject yo abusive texts, emails, appearances in the house, suicide threats etc.
Told me today he's met someone Else. And told the kids.
He's got over it pretty quickly!!!

bambino Only a few weeks but he's adamant there's no way he's coming back, he's in temporary accommodation at the moment. He seems to also be struggling to move forward although presumably this has all been about him doing just that.

the next day Are you confident he's just met her? With hindsight I can see H was looking for a way out that didn't involve admitting adultery. The OW would have appeared later all blameless.

the next day Sorry misread your post, I can see you've been separated longer if you've already divorced.

EFG - mine has gone from not being sure what he wanted - to having another woman - to definitely not wanting me - to now not wanting me but that may change in the future (he likes to ensure I know it may change as if to say I don't want you now but please keep waiting )

Today he has asked me if I would like to go to a petting zoo and lunch with him and the children , it's his day to have them and he only sees them once a week - I said no as I don't want to play happy families so pretend I have other plans , a few weeks ago I would have jumped at the chance but now I just think the more I drift away the more he is clinging on - he doesn't want me but doesn't want me to move on either just in case he does want me.

Once dropping the children off he stayed for a while making chit chat and trying to pretend we are friends - he has done a u turn in the last few weeks he still wants to be with his OW though as time goes on the less I want him.

I just don't understand his behaviour

H appears be struggling to make the break, sends me messages to ask if we've had a good day, how things i had planned have gone, bought me an easter gift for the first time, but says he's not coming back. He hasn't moved in with her, i don't really understand what's stopping him. Says he wants us to be OK, things to be friendly. Might be keeping me sweet with a divorce settlement in mind, who knows.

It's hard to understand, given he's apparently known he's wanted out of the marriage for some time. I'm trying not to try to understand if that makes any sense. I feel in limbo waiting for him to make a move. I'm doing practical stuff so hopefully I look like I'm moving on. I cried in front if him again today and hugged him, wish I hadn't.

EFG - the more I read Into what my partner was doing or thinking the worse I made myself feel.
I've took a step back, you are doing the right thing by looking as though you are moving on.

I also thought my partner was struggling to make the break, I honestly felt and still feel that he thinks that the children and I will still be available to him once he has tested his water and had a go with this girl , he will do anything for us, pay anything and he every bought me a gift back from a day trip with the children last week which is odd as I don't think he ever bought me a gift while we were together it was only a token but I just find it odd as it wasn't something the children would have picked and asked him to buy.

I read a lot on here that once you start to move on and gain control on your life this is when they start to question what they have done and want to come back - but we shouldn't wait should we , we are far too good for that.

Well done for being strong.

H is also being very accommodating, odd the similarities. He did a job in the house when he called in earlier without me asking.

TBH right now I'd have him back, under strict conditions, once he moves in with her that's it, maybe he realises that. No idea really, could be her/her situation stopping him. Like you've Said the more you try to analyse it the worse you feel, he says he's not coming back so I have to try to accept that and act accordingly. He knows how I feel.

EFG
My ex will do most things although when the heat is turned up he likes to throw it in my face and say how wonderful he's being.
I would have had my partner back but a few weeks ago I decided that I do not want to be second choice to someone that has barely shared his life.

They say men always come back but I'm not so sure anymore.
I guess you just have to see what hand your dealt.

Hopefully I'll feel like that soon, it's early days yet, still emotionally very up and down.

Some days I feel strong and think she's welcome to him and I'll find someone else who'll appreciate me, then I see him and feelings come flooding back. I wonder how I can ever feel like this about someone else. I know people do, just can't imagine it, and can't imagine being on my own long term.

I'm having a few days off work to spend time with dd, and a bit of retail therapy and then I'll restart packing his things and having a spring clean.