It's been three months, someone push me to move on.

[Bambino1234]

My partner decided that NYE would be a good time to tell me that he no longer was in love with me, he loved me but not as he thought he should.
This came as a bolt of lightning from nowhere, we were at an exciting point in our lives and about to start a new business venture, all was well or so I thought.

We have two children 3&4 and both work, his job was very demanding and six days a week so when we did argue it was usually because work consumed him and we were left on the sidelines.

Since leaving he has been adamant that for now there is no way back in the short term, he has been having an emotional affair with a co worker and she has also left her husband and constant texting and calling is still continuing between them.

He sent me a lot of mixed messages, almost as if he was dangling a carrot to ensure I didn't move on but I want to now, I don't want my children to see a weak woman waiting for him to want his family back.

It's been three months and he has not swayed or wobbled in his decision, before this we were worn down but happy, the demands of balancing life, work and children seemed to get us but for the most part we were in agreement that life would ease up as the children reached school age and the business took off.

I was left with no home as we were living in accomodation provided by his work, I had to quit my job as it wasn't possible to continue due to his lack of help and have had to return back to my home town so that I could receive the help and support from my parents. I have since got a new job, home and my children are settled in a new nursery environment despite all this progress I can't shake the feeling that at some point he is going to get a smack in the face and come back down to earth, does it ever happen ?!

I feel like I've turned a corner today, I've been trying to be nice and friendly, to make it better for dd and I've realised it's making things worse for me. I've been exchanging messages with him today, just about what we're doing, he started it with a "hope you have a nice day" type message first thing. I find myself checking if he's read my message yet.

Then I got to thinking about things that have happened that I can see differently now I know what he's been doing and i got upset when he phoned to speak to dd, he denies my interpretation and basically told me to stop thinking about things and just have a nice time with dd.

Clearly he's passed being sorry, passed having sympathy for my feelings, I don't know maybe I caught him off guard I was very tearful, but I think I need to disengage, let him contact dd or just get her to call him, less of the friendly chats by text. Pack up his stuff and start divorce proceedings fairly soon. It just hurts so much, to end like this after all these years.

Sorry for hijacking your thread.

EFG
I think the best thing is to not message him, I found I was hoping that because we'd had a nice conversation he was all of a sudden a changes man but his feelings and thoughts were still the same.

I'm three months on - I don't call him at all in the week now, I don't text and he has stopped contacting me- apart from the odd message about the children - I don't rush to reply either.

My ex can cope without me in the week yet latches on to me on the days he has the children particularly the last few weeks although it seems the less I'm interested the more he seems to wonder why.

You'll find a balance, but I do think that everyone who says on here to fake not caring until you actually don't anymore is probably right.

That's really good advice, I'll have to try harder, it's like I almost forget what's happened sometimes like he's at work and everythings normal, so we exchange the usual messages about what I'm doing with dd and then I remember it's all changed. I've managed not to cry today, well at least not since I got up, my eyes are sore, red and swollen, I'm hoping they'll look better by the time I see him tomorrow. I need to keep my misery to myself.

It's harder really because he's still in this middle ground, he's left me but hasn't fully moved onto her, why I still don't know.

I've asked dd not to pass me the phone when she's done speaking to him in future unless he asks to speak to me, in case he thinks I'm asking for the phone, sounds childish but I think it's important.

How are you doing?

EFG

Well today my daughter has said she was playing hide and seek with him and Sarah who is the OW when she visited her dad on Sunday - I am beyond angry, he runs a pub and she works for him but that is no excuse for my children to play with her I hadn't even been informed she had started working for him again as she had left after the affair had been found out.
He can't understand why I'm angry about it but she is the reason he left and so much heartache has happened, I just don't want her playing with the children especially when I am not aware.

We are still middle of the road too he is adamant he doesn't want me or his family but has yet to make a proper move on his OW it's like he's testing the water , I don't understand why after three months they are still being so secretive.

You are doing well, the crying days will become fewer and you will feel stronger I didn't believe it but I'm finally starting to feel like I could do this on my own.

That's the thing Im dreading most, dd having to get involved with her and her dc I'd be angry as well, it's a big step and needs handling with care. I'm hoping we're a long way off that, a very long way if I have anything to do with it, I'm hoping he decides to continue to live on his own, but I think that's wishful thinking.

I hope your dd was OK about it, I suppose she's at least young enough not to understand the situation fully. Sounds like your ex is putting his life into little separate compartments the way men do, I suspect mine is doing the same keeping me and dd separate in his mind from what he's doing/planning with her, in his head one doesn't impact on the other and everything remains nice and friendly, and he can cope, doesn't react well when reminded the two compartments are very much linked, particularly emotionally.

I'm sure both ow are also wondering what's going to happen and see us as a threat, however they deserve it and we don't, we're the same decent people we were before our lives got turned upside down.

EFG
I am annoyed as although I don't think it was intended with spite I have very much reiterated that if he would like to be treated by me with respect then he should show me respect.
Someone said to me that whatever is said and done now will effect things later down the line, be it together or apart things won't be forgotten and it will only make the process a lot harder - so I am trying to remain adult, I have told him I am angry about it and that he should think about how angry he would be if I was introducing a man to the children so soon and in such tumultuous circumstances, he doesn't even know if he wants a relationship with her!

His mood changes so much and it frustrates me as although I'm moving on slowly , I'm then reminded of the life I had and what has been taken away.

We didn't deserve this did we.

We definitely didn't.

Someone on another thread earlier said it's not being done to you, he's just doing what he wants/feels he needs to do and you're just collateral damage. Something like that. I'm not 100% sure I agree but it's another way of looking at things.

It'll be interesting to see how they react when there is a new man on the scene - way in the future - when we're stronger and more settled. I'm guessing you're younger than me, I'm early 40s and although I can't imagine it now I also can't imagine being on my own long term.

Just had a chirpy text and a phone call for dd, he asked her if I wanted to speak to him and she said no, not sure how that will go down. If he wants to speak to me he'll have to ask not assume I want to speak to him.

My partner has always maintained that he is not sure that this is the right decision nor is it 100% what he wants but he's done it now and rather than hold his hands up he's rather carry on and wait for the fall out.

I think until we move on in a sense they know we aren't worried about them anymore they still kind of have us as a safety net - I am almost sure that if we were to have a new man on the scene so sure they would not be happy.

I'm mid twenties - i am so angry that I was doing everything right, I put my career on hold and let him follow his dreams of opening a restuarant and it was me who lost out in the end.

He has been polite today I never usually hear off of him but I guess he expected me to be more angry and upset about the children and his OW weeks ago my reaction would have been completely different but I'm not giving him what he wants the more I detach the more he struggles to hold on, he hates that I don't sit around moping on the evening he has the children to stay, he doesn't think I should be out galavanting, I shall do as I please in my spare time it was he who decided to choose a tart over his family.

Absolutely right, he's given up his right to have a say in what you do and where you go.