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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Dh went yesterday and already communicating by email re arrangements for kids

28 replies

thatlldonicely · 25/01/2014 20:02

Told him to go after running out of patience with him - he has already sent me email requesting to see kids next week & have them for sleepover at weekend they are 12. he has obviously been taking advice from someone and is wording is v carefully chosen to make it look as though i am being difficult. I have no problem with him seeing the kids but feel they need at least a week to get used to the fact that he is not going to be around as much - advise please

OP posts:
LauraBridges · 25/01/2014 20:21

Put yourself in his shoes. Had he told you to go and he was left with the children how quickly would you want to see them? Surely 50% of the time with each parents would be the best solution.

wannabestressfree · 25/01/2014 20:35

I am afraid I agree with Laura

EdithWeston · 25/01/2014 20:42

The DC are 12, you say.

I do not think at that age they need a week (seeing even less of him than is necessary) to get used to the idea of seeing less of him. Indeed, if he's not gone very far away, they are big enough to free range between parents. But if that's not possible then a night or two a week plus EOW is an unexceptional arrangement and the sooner it's begun the better.

hoppinghare · 25/01/2014 20:56

If I were him I would be anxious to see my kids soon too. You can maybe manage to keep everything on friendly terms if you reassure him you aren't going to try to keep them from him. Seeing their dad soon may reassure your children too.

tiredandsadmum · 25/01/2014 20:58

My advice is to nip the implication that you are being difficult in the bud asap. So you need to email back with arrangements that suit your family ie you and your children. I always agree to part of ex's request (in fact all of it if I can) so that I appear to be co-operative if it goes to court. I found that when my ex left, it quickly became his terms all the time - I went along with it in the spirit of cooperation. But what happened was that when he didnt get his own way I was being difficult.

MyNameIsKenAdams · 25/01/2014 21:00

You asked him to leave and now want to make him wait to see his children? YABU.

Original poster
thatlldonicely · 25/01/2014 23:53

ok - not sure if this makes any difference - perhaps posted in haste - dh told me 2 days before xmas no longer loved me & had been thinking this for some time - possibly up to 2 years previously - but had done nothing about this and had been carrying on as though all was ok. He told me he thought he was protecting us from being hurt by staying. I had suspected things were not ok by his lack of interest in anything to do with me, the house and sometimes the kids but he didn't have the guts to tell me. Since xmas i have been a complete wreck but trying to carry on as normal for the sake of the kids - we have talked - i have googled anything & everything i could to try & sort this out and persuaded him to see a counsellor. I have had to instigate every discussion and had deferred to giving him time to sort himself out. I was told i was being a passive receiver by someone on one of my threads and this led me to passive aggressive behaviour which is my DH to a T although he will not admit it. After giving him a week of breathing space he initially told me had not done any thinking or read any of the articles i had sent him and even his counsellor told him he needs to sort out what he wants. after instigating another discussion it came out that he had actually been talking to three colleagues about their experience of divorce over the last couple of weeks but didn't feel he needed to tell me - this was the point i told him to leave. I had intended to try & carry on for a bit longer but unfortunately my suspicions had been triggered by him changing his plans to pick up kids and staying out late at a works do to a point where i no longer felt i could trust him. I am quite prepared to be told YABU - he had previously said he wanted to keep things as amicable as possible but i am spooked by his sudden demands for wanting to see the kids & wondering whether this is the passive aggressive behaviour kicking in

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 26/01/2014 00:02

i think he checked out a long time ago :( really sorry, i think the emails are his way of making a point - bastard. The children will want to see their dad though.

ProphetOfDoom · 26/01/2014 00:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
thatlldonicely · 26/01/2014 00:49

thanks Schmaltzing no nothing has been done - originally he said he wanted 50/50 but now i day a week & 1 day at weekend suits him best - im thinking i should say at least 2 days a week & w/e as he is extremely concerned about having regular contact - not that he's even got soemwhere to live - currenly in hotel

OP posts:
FootieOnTheTelly · 26/01/2014 01:09

I think you should try and be as cooperative as possible. I think it would be best for the kids if they could see that you can all get along and be civil even if you hate his guts Wink I think most Dads would want to see their kids as soon as possible. He may be passive aggressive but wanting to arrange to see the kids is totally normal

It's completely understandable that you are angry and hurt with your DH but you need to try to separate this from discussions about the kids.

Every child is different but I imagine it would be good for the kids to see their Dad.

I really hope everything works out for you and your children. I hope you gave some good RL support. Thanks

FootieOnTheTelly · 26/01/2014 01:12

I also think it's too early to be making set arrangements. I would suggest a flexible arrangement for the meantime until you can see how it works out.

The kids may feel really unsettled staying with their Dad or may want yo go for longer periods - you just don't know yet.

ProphetOfDoom · 26/01/2014 06:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ivykaty44 · 26/01/2014 07:42

I would be pleased the children's father wanted to see them and was getting thing organised

Stop reading between the lines, who cares how an email is set out

Write back and get the ball rolling

The DC don't get any time out to adjust to living with you on there own and they need to see there parent and have contact

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 26/01/2014 07:49

Op I think it's you who needs more time, and that's totally understandable however I'm sure tge children do want to see him. You don't have to set a perm arrangement right now. Just say we'll try x for next 4 weeks and then review it.

RandomMess · 26/01/2014 07:53

You definnitely need some eveings/overnights free so that you can develop a life - take up hobbies etc. So I would start as you mean to go on and yes he should have them 3 overnights per week.

intheround · 26/01/2014 07:54

What do your children want?

Original poster
thatlldonicely · 26/01/2014 08:25

schmaltzing we have a business so money situation is not quite as straight forward -but yes agree this must be next step - i have come to the conclusion overnight that there must be someone else involved in this - if not now then in the past - there seems no other explanation as to why he is behaving as he is - there has been no indication of any sort that he may want to try & save this situation & i realize now that his reason for wanting to see a counsellor by himself is perhaps to talk about the guilt he has been feeling for what he is doing. I have told him i will be extremely angry if i find out at any time that he has been lying to me and i guess this is the reason emails are sounding "official" so that he has some proof that if this turns into a fight he is being as reasonable as possible.

OP posts:
Ra88 · 26/01/2014 08:32

They're not just YOUR children, they are equally his. Also more to the point they are old enough to have a say in when they want to see him .

LauraBridges · 26/01/2014 12:32

By the way as they are nearly 13 they can choose which parent and they might choose to be with their father in the marital home whilst you move out and pay him maintenance so just be careful and do take some legal advice from a solicitor.

ProphetOfDoom · 26/01/2014 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
thatlldonicely · 26/01/2014 15:57

thanks for advice - i had a change of heart overnight and he has been to see the kids today - personally i think they are in shock - they didnt really do anything just sat & watched tv together - it was v sad to see. I am honestly not trying to stop him seeing the kids but really just struggling to find the right thing to do.

OP posts:
ProphetOfDoom · 26/01/2014 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ivykaty44 · 26/01/2014 17:26

This wasn't how any of your family saw their future, so time coming to terms with a very different future is fine. That different future needs to start and you and your ex as the parents need to work out how you can both parent your DC but live apart.

Taking time to do normal things like watch TV is fine

Perhaps you can treasure your DC that you intend to work together with them and your ex to providing a good life with both parents working together and making sure mum and dad both do mum and dad things with them

They need reasuranve you will both be around, you both still love them, you both want to still be parents and the DC will get to see you both

Both of you are important to the DC and the DC love both of you

Well done for starting out on a new way of life, its not easy

FootieOnTheTelly · 26/01/2014 17:33

I think sitting watching TV together is probably a good thing to do. I wouldn't be suprised if you are all feeling emotionally and physically tired. Keeping things as normal and relaxed as possible is probably best for the kids.

I can't imagine what you are going through. It must be awful. Sad. I suppose things will settle down eventually. Good luck and make sure you look after yourself.