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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

husband left me for his ex girlfriend

35 replies

Labisiffree · 01/10/2012 22:04

We have been married 12 years, 2 sons, not perfect but i thought at least we plodded on. He was funny for a few weeks, very quiet and disengaged, then told me hed been having an affair, not a sexual one at that point ( he said).

He then left! I am on my own with my two DS, 10 and 11. I have lots of good friends but I feel so numb. I was so calm about him going, he is now living with her( shes left her husband) and although I am angry with him, I am strangely calm. Why?, and when am I going to fall apart?

OP posts:

JeuxDEnfants · 01/10/2012 22:14

I'm so sorry, you sound like are dealing with it amazingly well. Do you family and friends who can support you? Thinking of you x

Original poster

Labisiffree · 02/10/2012 09:48

yes, lots of lovely friends and family, (including his).
Bit scared about what the future holds, but equally, home is easier without his 'brooding presence' as one of my friends put it.

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Original poster

Labisiffree · 03/10/2012 12:17

Am I likely to fall apart?? How many people have experience of this type- he's being very civil re. money etc.
Maybe I said goodbye to the marriage a long time ago which is why I feel calm?

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JeuxDEnfants · 03/10/2012 19:26

I have no real experience of this... Feel a bit inadequate to help. Could you post in relationships? There is more traffic there x

whostolethesocks · 12/10/2012 15:45

You could be me! He met ex two and a half years ago. Was meeting secretly. I found out. Big discussion. Tried to make things work for a little while. He obviously started seeing her again - checked out of marriage, usual scenario.... Then I found out he was intending to leave me. Have been very up and down but the worst time was when I found out originally. I now feel as though I've wasted the last two years of my life. Early days for me as he's just left the house (not gone to stay with her yet for some reason). I'm sure once I start dealing with practicalities it will be hard but in some ways I feel strangely relieved because he was very hard to live with for a long time. We were married 15 years - two sons 13 and 10. Happy to offer support.

Original poster

Labisiffree · 16/10/2012 09:06

Who stole
How are you doing? I've been ok when busy, sad if I let myself think of the good times. Whenever I see him he annoys me as he is deeply selfish towards me. I feel angry he didn't voice his concerns about our marriage, but went for the easy option. He is living with her- they obviously think it was'meant to be' or some such twaddle! Well let's see how long it lasts, not that I care tbh.

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whostolethesocks · 16/10/2012 18:03

I feel exactly the same as you!! I could have written exactly what you wrote in answer to your question 'How are you doing?' Weird!

whostolethesocks · 16/10/2012 18:03

I feel exactly the same as you!! I could have written exactly what you wrote in answer to your question 'How are you doing?' Weird!

Jemma1111 · 16/10/2012 18:10

Op, console yourself with the fact that if she were the love of his life then they wouldn't have split in the first place !
It's never a good idea to go back with an ex as the old problems will one day resurface.

Original poster

Labisiffree · 16/10/2012 22:10

I am slightly consoled by that, and also cannot believe 2 intelligent people don't seem to have thought of that too!

Also consoling myself with the fact I often in the past considered leaving, due to his lack of communication and other reasons, but he is now the one with all the guilt.

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Couragedoesntroar · 17/10/2012 21:41

For me the situation sank in gradually and it felt much worse two weeks in. I'm telling you so it doesn't shock you if it happens. FWIW I think the initial reaction is the true one eg my initial reaction was relief and I think that was the intuitively correct one. Friends have said similar about tjeir situations. But doesn't mean there's not a painful grieving process to go thro. But it's is survivable. You will come through even if it gets harder in the short term.

Original poster

Labisiffree · 17/10/2012 21:52

Thanks. Feeling a bit shit today.
Stress at work, tiredness as well not helping.

I actually feel like I'm in limbo- between the old and new life. How long this might last is a bit anxiety inducing!

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Couragedoesntroar · 17/10/2012 21:57

You're bound to feel like that. The anxiety will pass. Keep doing your routines and lean on people who'll make you feel steady.

Original poster

Labisiffree · 17/10/2012 22:28

Thanks. I am tired and out of my routine today, so that proabably is compounding the problem.

He doesn't seem very excited to see the kids, although he is making the effort to see them twice a week, they don't seem to think its quality time and usually the new woman is there which makes me feel shit for them.

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HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 17/10/2012 22:35

It isn't compulsory that you fall apart or turn into a screaming banshee

I think you are doing really well, and have good insight into how you feel, possibly because you were (without consciously realising) quite a way along the path of disengagement yourself

Original poster

Labisiffree · 17/10/2012 23:09

happy halloween- had a brief but intense period of depression earlier this year- had counselling and felt much better for it. Think it has helped me more than I can say.
I must sleep now this is the thing i am struggling with- the late nights as i can't seem to go to bed at a sensible time and the tiredness is taking over.

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HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 17/10/2012 23:15

sleep well

I have been married a good few years now, but the last long relationship before that, I walked away without a backward glance because I was ready (and he was an abusive shit)

Original poster

Labisiffree · 18/10/2012 15:54

Had a total meltdown at work today- not good as I'm already fighting for my job.
I'm so scared that it is now all on my shoulders. Can't stop bursting into tears.

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HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 18/10/2012 16:44

aww, you poor thing. Have you calmed down abut now. Have a

have you spoken to your boss, to tell them you are having a rough time just now?

Couragedoesntroar · 18/10/2012 22:09

It will pass. Talk to your colleagues. Do everything you can to settle yourself - talk to friends/family, go for a run, sing, write/read a poem, walk, go to a coffee, watch comforting dvds. Anything that keeps the world normal. You will get through, one step at a time. It isn't the end of your world, a new chapter is all.

Original poster

Labisiffree · 20/10/2012 10:23

Thanks. Yes spoken to boss who is pretty good- been through similar herself . Problem is my job us temp and I gave to reapply for it- lots if extra stress. H doing my head in by changing times he can collect kds etc. selfish pig!!

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HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 20/10/2012 11:27

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Good luck with the job. If your boss is "pretty good" and been sympathetic it sounds like you have a good relationship with her and that bodes well.

Original poster

Labisiffree · 20/10/2012 17:51

Hopefully, but a family member has also stepped in with a job offer, so I have that to fall back on. Things looking brighter today. It is certainly a roller coaster!

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HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 20/10/2012 17:54

coybiatch · 23/10/2012 23:28

A few days ago, two days after our 6th anniversary, I was shocked to find that my husband had "married" another woman. How? Well, there were pictures online of the wedding ceremony (google, facebook, photographer). Whether or not there was a marriage license is unknown to me right now except for the fact that he IS still legally married to me. Although many small things never did add up, I NEVER expected THIS. I found this last Thursday AT WORK, while I was looking up legitimate business online that involved the two of them, looking for a reference to something. At first, I felt numb and panicked. I feel disbelief and "how could he throw everything away". Mornings are the worst, when I first wake up and remember what has happened. Knowing that I know, he has the good sense not to come home from his last "business" trip. He completely denies having an affair, even in the face of overwhelming evidence. I agree that doing normal things is helpful.

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