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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Does your ex phone the kids every night he's not with them?

27 replies

balooga · 10/08/2012 19:43

Have been separated for 8 months. One DS age 6. Ex DH has never once phoned to speak to DS, even when it's been over a week since seeing him,....but someone has obviously told him you should be doing this so he's announced he's going to call him for a chat every night at bedtime...
Ex dh is insisting on three days a week and I have four. I want to change this as we have no divorce as yet, just an informal agreement, but there are lots of issues which means DS isn't happy with him and I'm not happy with that level of access. Anyway aside from that is there any reason he shouldn't phone ds every night? For me it feels so intrusive. Ex is a bully and an arrogant shit. The times I don't have to speak to him, hear from, him interact with him are the times I can relax and be happy. Any interaction or reminder of him and I'm tense and feel pretty sick.
DS has had similar feelings but is on the same ride I used to be on of sometimes hating him, sometimes trying to believe Daddy is lovely.
Would it be outrageous to suggest he doesn't call every night? It feels outrageous to suggest he doesn't. DS isn't bothered about talking to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
balooga · 10/08/2012 22:03

bump

OP posts:
Chocoholic21 · 10/08/2012 22:09

May not be the same in your situation but thought I'd say what I do...! I
Left my ex partner in February and moved out with our 2 year old DD. After a while someone must have mentioned it to him as he asked to call every night. He saw her for the day every Saturday and so I said a call on a Wednesday would be fine. He disagreed and brought it up in court and the judge ruled that every night was excessive and intrusive. At the same time he changed his access to every other weekend and so increased the calls to twice a week. He now calls every Wednesday and every other Friday as he sees her on the alternate Friday. She is really not interested (mainly due to her age?!) and the calls last less that 2 mins normally. she answers the phone and hangs up when she has finished. HTH

Original poster
balooga · 10/08/2012 22:12

Thank you. I did think it was intrusive but wasn't sure whether a judge would think that but glad to hear a judge did say that. Wonder what other folks' experiences have been. Feels mean to restrict it as I'd hate not to be able to speak to DS when he's with his dad but alot of that is to do with checking he's ok as he's often upset there.

OP posts:
Chocoholic21 · 10/08/2012 22:26

I know what you mean. I also think that my DD gets with being at his, even though she doesn't like it, but of I was to call every night shed be more upset. She's younger than your DS so maybe a bit different and maybe as my DD gets older she will want to talk more when she is away but I think
Our arrangement works ok at the moment.

Original poster
balooga · 11/08/2012 09:53

Thanks, I want to ask him to not call every nite but of course i'm sure that won't go down well (nothing does...)
And if I just don't answer then I may get ti back when I try to phone ds.

I always thought it was odd frankly that he never called even when it had been over a week of him not seeing ds, as I would want to hear from my kid in all that time, which is why it seems so false now as it's purely something he's been told to do.
And when he's on speaker phone I can hear he just cross questions DS as to what he's been doing, which just makes me think he wants to check up on whether or not I'm lying to him (that is his current theme that I lie to him, say we are doing one thing when really we're doing something else. Yesterday I had a docs appt so asked if i could drop ds off early with him (an hour early)and he got all aggressive, so I just cancelled the appt and dropped ds off at the normal time. Now he says I was obviously LYING about having a doc's appt.....SIGH...

OP posts:
PedanticPanda · 11/08/2012 09:56

My ex doesn't call ds at all.

colditz · 11/08/2012 09:57

No, never. Her has them overnight once a week but never rings them.

Original poster
balooga · 11/08/2012 09:59

is it generally thought intrusive for the ex to call every night? I'm in a dilema cos I'd hate t be stopped from calling ds. But I'm in a different position than him as when with me ds is ok, but when with his dad he is worried, anxious, sometimes scared.
Sad

OP posts:
colditz · 11/08/2012 10:02

Beluga, here's a funny idea that will take a while to really register in your mind, as it took a while for me too.

It doesn't matter if he thinks you're lying, it doesn't matter what he thinks of you at all. You don't have to live wih him any more.

It took years for me to realise that my ex accusing me of lying didn't matter. He used to do it almost weekly, and it used to send me into a spiral of frustration and upset ....... And then something just clicked, and one day he said "you're a liar" and I said "yes, exp. I lie to you all the time because I'm under no bligation not to. I could have lied to you every day and you will never know, you cannot stop me, and I don't care!"

It felt so good.

Original poster
balooga · 11/08/2012 10:03

OOh Colditz I LIKE it!

OP posts:
colditz · 11/08/2012 10:04

You don't have to answer the phone babe. Ask him to ring on, say, Wednesday's and Saturday's, and don't answer the phone in between.

Original poster
balooga · 11/08/2012 10:06

Apart from I know we'll end up in court soon enough and I want to appear squeaky clean perfect parent compared to his slack ways, lack of attention to DS's needs, lack of empathy for him, lack of regard for his medical conditions, lack of safety when supervising him etc.
Any tips on how to make this the case?!!
What do judges look for in deciding who has the primary custody?

OP posts:
colditz · 11/08/2012 10:11

Oh he was furious, but this time I was able to detach properly,and I saw his anger for what it was. It was just "wah wah wah do what I want! Wah! Why can't I control your emotions by accusing you of lying anymore? Do what I want!"

colditz · 11/08/2012 10:12

To be honest they look for who already has the primary residency.

Original poster
balooga · 13/08/2012 16:26

Well we're roughly 50/50 at the mo, but i do all the actual parenting, i.e. homework, doctors, dentist, baths, supervision of his medical needs, play dates, etc

OP posts:
messyisthenewtidy · 13/08/2012 20:49

I don't know what your son's medical conditions are but the fact that your ex doesn't cater to them might be worth bringing up in court, if only so that the judge will ensure that he does pay proper attention to them.

Olympicnmix · 13/08/2012 21:11

It's excessive. My dcs don't hear from their father in between access as they find it disconcerting and they see plenty of him anyway. Plus there is too much room for dcs to be upset if for whatever reason he didn't call.

The other way to look at it might be say 'yes fine' as if it's no big deal but not plan specifically to be around for the call or make the ds hang around for the call, as that would interfere too much with your own plans - and be amazed if he think ds should. Children on the phone can be very unsatisfying conversationalists, especially if they have something else they are doing Grin and it may well peter out, especially if you agree to every day with nary a shrug. You are under no obligation to speak to him and nor is dc when he's had enough.

KirstyWirsty · 14/08/2012 13:47

My STBXH calls my DD7 every day that I have her and I call her every day that he has her.

I have just set her up with a cheap contract so that she can call us if she wants to as well (It's a bit earlier than I planned on letting her get a phone but in the circumstances ...)

If DD is busy when I call her then I just cut it short but like to make sure that she knows that I am wanting to hear how she is every day

BornToFolk · 14/08/2012 13:58

No and I wouldn't want him to. It would be intrusive and possibly upsetting for DS (4.5). He knows he can phone Daddy whenever he wants to so he sometimes asks at bedtime. We (ie. me and DS) went away for a long weekend a few weeks ago so he didn't see exP for a few days. I asked DS a few times over the weekend if he wanted to phone exP for a chat but he didn't - too busy having fun!

I don't usually speak to exP when DS phones him, by the way. I just dial the number, hand DS the phone and he hands it back when he's done and I hang up.

I think Olympicmix has the right idea - agree to it like it doesn't bother you and your ex will probably get bored and it'll peter out of its own accord.

KirstyWirsty · 14/08/2012 14:27

I don't speak to STBX during these calls and in fact I prefer it now DD has her own phone rather than calling him as he is no longer on my 'favourites' list

RedHelenB · 14/08/2012 14:42

How old is your son? If he is old enough let him have a mobile & his dad can ring it whenever or text. Like it or lump it you have a son together & I would be devastated not to have contact with my children every day.

Alurkatsoftplay · 14/08/2012 17:32

I would be inclined to let this one go. Six year olds aren't great on the phone and with dinner/story/bath, he won't speak for long.
Don't let him know it annoys you - that will keep him at it.
I give it a week.

Alurkatsoftplay · 14/08/2012 17:33

Or what Olympicmix said!

elastamum · 14/08/2012 22:03

Im going to differ here. I call or txt my children every day when they are not with me and I encourage my ex to call them any time he wants to. It bothers me far more when he doesnt call them than when he does. He is their father and it is important to their well being that they maintain a close relationship with him. We both facilitate communication and send each other messages and pictures of what they are up to when they are away. They have just called me from america on their fathers mobile Smile. Even when we are not getting on well we still make sure that it nver affects communication with our children

skyebluesapphire · 16/08/2012 21:50

My STBXH never called our DD until I pointed out to him that he should if he wasn't going to make it to see her in the week.

He rang tonight for the first time, I'm supposed to assume that he won't see her I take it...

She didn't want to speak to him because she hadn't seen him... When she did she shouted at him. So not a great success.

She's 4yo.

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