I want to separate but can't summon up the courage to tell him...

[MakeMineAPint]

I reaslly need some advice. I've been married to DH for nearly 9 years, together for 12, and we have a beautiful 2yr old DD. I know in my heart of hearts that I don't want to be with DH anymore and want us to separate, but I just can't bring myself to say the words because I know it's going to be horrible, and he'll be completely shocked & devastated which will all be down to me. I know that I have to do it because the thought of staying together fills me with absolute dread & would be detrimental to all of us, but I keep putting it off and hoping he'll ask me what's wrong so I can come out with it.

So please, tell me how you managed it. DH is a good man, he's not violent, doesn't get drunk etc etc, but I've fallen out of love with him plain & simple.

Also posting in relationships...

Oh, I do feel for you. I have been in the exact same position. Was with my partner for almost 7 years and we have twins of 6. I felt awful about it as, at the end of the day, it was me forcing the split and I won't deny that it was a horrid time - for all of us, when I actually voiced my desire to split. My OH didn't want to leave but I had put it off and put it off and we'd had umpteen sessions of counselling until I couldn't go on any longer - and then I wished I had had the courage to do it when the children were much younger. MY OH was not violent and didn't get drunk either - but, had other issues that were insurmountable for us.

Now, a year post-separation, we are all in a great place. Ex-OH has moved on with a new girlfriend and I, although not in a relationship, do not live with the resentment I was harbouring towards him, nor any of the initial guilt I had at splitting the family up. We are still good friends and have managed to keep the disruption to the children to a minimum. Ex-OH still sees the children every day and, TBH, there doesn't seem to be that much that has changed in their/our routine apart from the fact that their daddy no longer lives in the house with us. We have been quite lucky in the fact that we have been able to stay, accommodation-wise, quite close to each other and Ex-OH is still contributing, as he should, to childcare and doing as much as he can.

It takes a brave person to acknowledge that there is a problem and to voice it. And yes, I won't deny that it will be horrible, and there will be days when you feel terribly guilty for what COULD have been, but if there is no-way back for your relationship then you really do owe it to yourself and your child to be in the best possible emotional state that you can be in going forward. Living your life in a dead-end relationship is neither healthy for your, your child, nor your husband.

I hope you find the courage to make the next step.

I was just thinking of posting something very similar to this. We've been married for 8 years together for 10, I was young when we met.

I know I need to say something, but don't know how. We've not been right for a long while and I did ask H to separate for a break about 3 months ago, he didn't take me seriously and so ignored my request and carried on regardless. Like my opinion doesn't matter.

I want him to give us a break so we can see if we work better together or apart (I'm already thinking apart!).

Watching for more knowledgeable women for some advice.

OP a for you as I can't see a pint!

I told him this morning on his way to work, now really not looking forward to 5pm, but at least it is out. Hopefully he's had a good think today and will be nice to me.

How are you MakeMineAPint?

Make sure you have copies of your kmarriage certificate and birth certs and his last few years of P60s and tax returns and details of all his pensions (and yours of course). Look at what credit cards you each have and work out the net value of all your assets and his less liabilities.

In the same place here, together for 13yrs, 2 dcs 4 and 6... he's been through alot of trauma recently and i've realised that i'm not there for him emotionally as i should be, he deserves better. I was 19 when we got together, i've changed and admit i feel i've missed out as he had a young dc when we met. I voiced my feelings about a week ago and so far there's no going back, i just couldnt continue being false anymore and forcing myself to care and being accused of not being there. I've been accused of kicking him whilst he's down, wanting the 'life of riley' and splitting up the family but how can he be happy with someone who's not happy... i just woke up one day, it was like something had snapped and there's no going back. We are sleeping separately and hopefully he will move out in a couple of months, think he is finally starting to accept it this time, i feel bad but what can i do, it's not fair on the dc's either. Worried about telling friends and family but i'm sure they'll be supportive.

Well I don't know what to do now.

When we got home last Friday he just talked really nicely and we had an honest chat about our feelings, but he's not going anywhere as he believes even if we call it a break we would just get used to not being around each other and that would be the end of our relationship (which I was thinking too!).

So now I feel all as he thinks he deserves a chance whereas I feel like I have given him numerous chances to be a better father and husband. He asked me to give him a few weeks and he will do X Y and Z. I said we will take it a day at a time as long as he doesn't just talk about doing X Y and Z and actually does these things.

He has been trying this past week, not perfect, but trying.

I have taken off my rings and hope he doesn't notice, but I feel better not having them on. I think as he said moving out would be the last option, and for me to say that is what I wanted meant we were at the end. So plodding on feeling rubbish and a little trapped.

He keeps saying "We're doing alright aren't we" without really wanting an answer, and wanted sex last night and couldn't understand why I didn't. We are on totally different pages!

So how are you MakeMineAPint and junipergin?

In a similar position to you Goldenmama, we haven't 'got back together' but he is asking me why i'm so miserable, i should be happy this is what you wanted etc etc, but if i try and be too friendly i worry he'll think things are back to 'normal' and then will start requesting sex and then get annoyed when i don't want to. I don't want to slip back into it this time as it will only happen again and again. He has been texting me relentlessly whilst he's at work asking about the kids etc, something he doesnt usually do to that extent. Think he is also 'trying' suggesting things to try and win me over but it makes me feel a bit strange, i like you feel he's had enough chances. I have realised that if he does move out i will probably have to move to smaller house as he wants to claim for one of our 2 dc otherwise he won't be able to afford big enough accomodation to have them overnight on his income so therefore my income will be reduced... shame as i really like my house, it's rented off a family member but will be too big for just me and dd on our own :(

I told him a few weeks ago how I feel but I'm not convinced it's really sunk in. I had really bad PND with my dd and we went through a similar situation to now, but agreed to stay together at the time cos we thought it might be the PND affecting how I was feeling. I'm pretty sure deep down he thinks it's the same again but I know for sure it's not PND now though, I'm almost off my tablets and feel so much better than I have for such a long time. The only times I feel down & miserable are when I think about us staying together and realise that I will feel totally trapped & resentful the longer it goes on. The thought of being on my own doesn't terrify me the way it used to, I actually find myself dreaming about living in a smaller house just me & dd (or even staying in this house with her if I can afford it!) He says he wants to fight for 'us' but I really just wish he would let me go so I can get on with my life. He's taken our dd away for the BH for a few days so I can spend some time on my own & think things through - I was meant to be going away too but told him I needed some space, even though I knew I'd miss my dd like crazy.

Really hope things are improving for you junipergin & GoldenMama, whether that be in or out of your relationships

Make sure you have copies of your kmarriage certificate and birth certs and his last few years of P60s and tax returns and details of all his pensions (and yours of course). Look at what credit cards you each have and work out the net value of all your assets and his less liabilities.

What a piece of work.

Gosh - I am not alone! There must be something in the air. I am sorry to hear that others are going through this as well but I am thinking exactly the same. I have been with DH for 20 years, married for 16 and have 2 x DCs (aged 8 and 9). I have fallen out of love with him. We have nothing in common. He bores me and annoys me. I feel I could do better. It sounds harsh but I think I've stayed with him out of habit and because it's too scary to leave.

I'm not afraid of being on my own. To be honest, I think I'd be better off as he doesn't do a huge amount round the house except make mess. Financially I could probably manage as well. But it's the thought of possibly breaking the kids hearts that stops me and the logistics and thought of losing my house etc.

It would come as a complete surprise to DH as well and although I am not in love with him any more, 20 years is a long time and I don't want to hurt him .

I don't know what to do.

Think it's definitely in the air... I and quite a few others have been posting about it in Relationships (and I've only this minute discovered this forum existed!). I'm going to relationship counselling with DH at the moment but I really don't want to make things better, I want out.

But can't quite find the courage to go yet, mainly because of the DCs (11 and 9). But like you Zingel, I know I'm not afraid of being on my own with the kids as I am most of the time already, and DH is simply another body to manage when he's here. I guess it's fear of the future (even though I can't see a future in my marriage - I dread the thought), fear of having to sell the house, fear of all the upheaval for the kids. And fear of my mother - she'll really despise me for it, and will tell me how much I've broken her heart whenever she can.

Lots of luck to you all, and thanks for sharing your stories - helps to know that we're not alone in this.

I can completely relate to everything you have all said, I have told dh what my problems are with him, bearing in mind he has known for 13 years because I have reguarly told him! He is now telling me he will do everything it takes, ie change his life completely.

Im not sure I even want him to anymore - its not for me to tell him what to do, I want him to make changes because he WANTS to - not because I have TOLD him to.

But the guilt at destroying the family is hard, I know I am going to be the one that causes the upset to them and I can bear that.

Like others I feel like a single parent already, but my mum has told me well its going to be very hard on your own, you should think about it more clearly, its a shock that you feel like this - no mum I just havent told YOU.

Cantfind, sounds like your DH and mine were separated at birth.... We've been together for 17 years, I've told him and told him over the years. Now I've told him I want to leave, he's willing to change - and change everything. I want him to see that I don't want him to change who he is (and I'm pretty sure he can't anyway), I want him to see that we're not a good fit together any more and that he can find more happiness on his own / with someone new.

Sounds like our mums are related too :(. Mine knows nothing yet, I don't share any personal stuff with her. Giving her plenty scope to create her own drama when the time comes. Ho hum.

Thistle - its so hard, Im going to tell him tonight that I'm moving out - I am going to look at a rented house tomorrow and I think I will take it - but that actual physical leaving will be hard.

I dont hate him, he is ok half the time which makes it harder I think - I want to hate him then it would be easy and especially at the moment he is all loving and caring and being the perfect dh but i think I have already left emotionally - I am planning my next stage of my life and it doesnt include him
pm me if you want to chat more - its been helpful to talk to someone at work today that is removed from the situation

Cantfind - you are very brave actually leaving. I really admire you. I have taken a first step and contacted a solicitor to get some advice. I took the cowards way and emailed though rather than phoning (and risk dh overhearing). Even that was hard. I think you know when it's really over don't you?

I have seen on amazon there is a book called too good to leave, too bad to stay which is supposed to help you decide what to do. However, there is a 'look inside' option which I did look at this morning. It talks a lot about being in limbo and that is where I am. It is a waste of a life. I need to do something but I just can't find the strength at the moment.

Timing stinks as well. He runs his own business which is currently going down the pan. I would feel like I was really kicking him when he's down if I were to leave now. But how long do I hang on and delay the inevitable? Things are bound to get worse with the business/financial situation before they get better for him. I'm OK - I have a full time job and have supported him for years. That sounds really selfish - I'm all right so sod him. That's not what I mean at all. But me wanting to leave is a separate issue to the business failing so it shouldn't really having a bearing on it. I just can't bear to break his heart even more as it would be such a shock.

Thistle and Cantfind - I am sure when it comes down to it, your mums will support you surely? It's not their lives. You can't live your life for someone else. And yes it will be hard, of course it will, but surely if you know you're doing the right thing, you will be happier for it? I'm a fine one to talk - I'm too scared to leave right now. But I hope you see where I'm coming from. Lots of strength to you all.

im not brave because i am wavering what if im making the worst mistake of my life.

we have been good together but the final straw he called our son a fucking cunt and i have lost the respect for him that i had.

despite that i cant work out which is the right or wrong decision. is it normal for married couples to think about leaving?

No one can tell you what to do. It has to be your decision and I understand the wavering....believe me! But calling your son a fucking cunt is not normal behaviour in my opinion. And if you are spending your time thinking about leaving then something is majorly wrong. Is there anywhere you can go and stay for a few days instead of moving out and renting? It will show him you mean business but might not seem so final to you?

The kids will bounce back and from what I've heard from others they are likely to prefer having two happier parents living separately than together and hating each other. You have to put them first to some extent but at the same time you have to make sure you are doing what is right for you ie. not staying together just because of the kids. I can't remember how old your kids are Cantfind.

Zingelbert - well done for initiating contact with the solicitor, sounds like a step in the right direction. I think you're right that, even if the business is a huge issue right now, it's not a reason to stall if you're certain that you want to split.

I'm currently working my way though the Too Good to Stay book, and I'm finding it really useful. It talks about how trying to make lists of pros and cons doesn't help you decide, and explains why not.

For me it's all starting to feel a bit inevitable that I'm going to have to say I'm leaving (or should I say, asking him to move out). But I still have no plan as to when, and what I'll do after that. It's too big and scary at the moment. And I need to give DH time to get used to the possibility that that will be the outcome.

My mum won't be able t support me, unfortunately - it'll all be about her, and how much I've let her down. That's another barrier to me making all this final, but I know I have to tell her, and then keep her at arms length while she deals with her own feelings.

Oh Thistle. Sorry that your mum won't be supportive. Try to keep the two issues separate if you can. If your mum is being obstructive then can you tell her that if she's not going to be supportive then you don't want her advice/comments? I can't imagine how she can say you've let her down. It's your life and your marriage. But I know what parents can be like. Good luck.

I have made an appointment with the solicitor next Wed evening for half hour free session. Eeek! I know it's not committing me to anything but it feels very scary.

Thanks Zingel, I am feeling quite strong about my relationship with my mother at the moment, stronger than I have ever felt - I feel I'm finally giving her the correct place in my life. But it could slip back at any time..... I am resigned to the fact that she can't support me emotionally though and I'm ok with that.

Hope your solicitor appointment goes well, keep posting if it helps meantime. A scary but very necessary step - and it might just be the thing that helps you to progress one way or the other.

Hello, I'm new here so please forgive any mistakes. I have been married for nearly 30 years. The intimacy died several years ago & now we are more like housemates. We have never had what you would call a happy marriage, very explosive & verbally abusive. We have lived in Spain for 14 years, no friends, very isolated house. I recently started talking with someone on the Internet. We have so much in common, it feels as though I have known him forever. He lives in America & wants me to be with him. He is prepared to support me in all ways. I feel torn. I care for my husband but do not love him anymore. I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to miss the chance of being happy. How do I tell him how I feel? Any help would be appreciated a lot. Thank you..

I’d suggest you leave your husband first before even thinking about moving on to another person.

I’m a 55 year old man and have been married for 25 years. I’m ending it.
No violence or abuse etc but desperately unhappy.
It took me 2 breakdowns, at least twice being told ‘it’s over’ and months of building courage but I eventually informed my wife that I wanted to separate.
For me it’s hell on earth, my doc prescribed me anti anxiety meds which have helped, but it’s long and difficult.
We still share the same house and indeed the same bed.
Prepare yourself mentally. Take one tiny step at a time. Use your support network, in fact bore them to death with it, you need to speak about it. Don’t bottle it up.
I wish you all the best and use mumsnet to get things off your chest. It helped me. Even as a bloke there is always someone to talk to!

Bless you and good luck.

And I’ve just realised I’ve replied to a 8 year old post..doh...,