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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Divorce/separation

WEDDING HELL

67 replies

tunaday · 30/10/2011 19:48

My daughter has just annouced she is marrying her bf in Nov 2012. She wants my ex (her dad) there.
We divorced after I found out he had changed my Mum's Will so he could steal my inheritance money, taken a huge chunk of my Dad's life savings, re-mortgaged our home by forging my signature, racked up £250,000 of debt also by forging my signature, stole from clients at work and used the money to pay our daughter's uni costs. He ended up in prison for fraud (only for stealing off clients not from my family). I ended up homeless, penniless, and beyond angry. This happened in 2006 and I am still furious. He has never apologised to me or my family. He has apologised to our daughter but always shifts the blame onto everyone but himself. I can't face the thought of having to see him at the wedding and am angry that my daughter has forgiven him (I feel she is being disloyal to me. Petty ,I know, but that's how I feel) and wants him there. I can't get excited about the arrangements which I know is unfair on my daughter but I don't think she realises I am utterly dreading the day. My brothers find it hard to accept that she has forgiven her father for what he has done to their sister and late parents too. Has anyone any advice about coping strategies up to and for the big day? I feel sick at the thought of being in the same room as the thieving ...............!

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bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe · 30/10/2011 19:52

Tuna:
usually I am all for divorced parents gritting their teeth and getting on with it for the sake of their dc, if they have to, but in this case I would quite understand if you didn't want to be at your dd's wedding if you had to share breathing space with this specimen (if what you have posted is the full story ykwim).

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TheOriginalFAB · 30/10/2011 19:55

Really how you feel is not important at this time. Your dd wants her father to give her away, she wants the whole traditional wedding and you have to sort yourself out and be there for her. I know it is hard, and he has betrayed you but he took the money for your daughter and not to spend on drugs/other women.

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LunarRose · 30/10/2011 19:56

Does she know everything that happened?

If she does I'm at her behaviour

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LunarRose · 30/10/2011 19:57

Anyone who steals in this way is thinking only of themselves. Or in this case quite disgustingly puting his daughter way above his (now ex) wife.

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Uglymush · 30/10/2011 19:59

It is her dad. My FIL passed away (not the same I know) but he was really missed at both my wedding and my SIL's. Please grit your teeth for one day and accept it is important to your DD to have him there.

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LunarRose · 30/10/2011 20:02

Sod the bloody political correctness of it all and the it's not about you it's about your daughter, in you case it actually isn't.

Your ex put your home and welfare significantly below your daughter need for education, something which isn't actually an essential in life. That your daughter is endorsing this attitude is disrespectful and disgusting beyond belief.

I actually feel for you more than you can possibly know. I will tolerate my ex until the point my DC reach adulthood, if at that point they choose to contiinue the relationship I really don't know what I'd do.

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LunarRose · 30/10/2011 20:03

No someone passing away is not the same, nor is it the same if you've divorced under comparative normal circumstances e.g. adultery

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LunarRose · 30/10/2011 20:05

No it's not petty feeling she is being disloyal to you. It is disloyal

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horMOANSnomore · 30/10/2011 20:06

My DD (understandably) wanted us both at her wedding. My coping strategies were (thanks to MN advice!) ignore, smile and nod, not too much alcohol, lots of fresh air breaks, and concentrate on my daughter. I managed to ignore him all day and evening.

Your situation is far worse than mine, but the advice is the same. You have to do it for your DD's sake.

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Uglymush · 30/10/2011 20:11

Lunar someone important not being there becaused they have passed away is hell, but OP despite every shit thing her ExH has done to her still has a DD who wants her dad at her wedding. OP needs to accept that, come up with ways of getting through the day and allow her DD to have the day she wants. DD can have both her parents at her wedding noone should begrudge that as you never know when parents won't be here

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LunarRose · 30/10/2011 20:12

No you don't

It is your choice what you do

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LunarRose · 30/10/2011 20:18

No the OP does not need to accept this, nor should she be expected to negate herself so much that she is expected to.

Frankly I will not be attending joint family events with my ex ever. In fact there are no occasions When I will voluntarily be in the same room as him for anyone's sake.

I trust that if I bring my daughter up right she will understand, and out of respect for me and what I've been through, I expect that noone who cares for me would put me in that situation.

That's why I feel it is essential that the OP knows she has a a choice. She may choose the attend and ignore option. But she does have a choice

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HermanMumster · 30/10/2011 20:26

Who is paying? Not your ex, I would imagine. If you, I can see that you must feel ripped off all over again - you pay, he swanks about being the star of the show.

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LunarRose · 30/10/2011 20:28

Actually tunaday, I'm going to bow out of this thread. It's too close to my heart. I know in this situation I couldn't attend. Moreover I would not want to attend and would be very vocal of the reasons why. Actually I'm really not sure I could have any dealings with a daughter with so little regard for the horrific circumstances that you have been through. In the end why should I have any regard for a daughter's feelings when she clearly had so little regard for mine.

You will get lots of good advice from others.

I wish you the best of luck whatever you choose to do.

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TheOriginalFAB · 30/10/2011 20:41

This is her wedding day. It is massive and nothing else matters to her right now. It doesn't mean she doesn't care about her mother.

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LunarRose · 30/10/2011 20:53

If nothing else matters to her than her wedding day that says it all really

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TheOriginalFAB · 30/10/2011 21:04

Oh come off it. A wedding day is massively important to a bride. It doesn't mean they are a bad person.

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tunaday · 30/10/2011 21:04

Thank you all so much. These are just the 'edited highlights' of a sad and sorry tale. The unabridged version reads like a really bad story arc from Corrie! It was (and all these years later, still is) truly shocking and unbelievable. I didn't expect anyone to say that they wouldn't attend in such circumstances and it's reassuring to hear that quite a few of you wouldn't/couldn't. I sort of feel I should be able to move on and put what has happened behind me and enjoy the day. But I can't. I'm not paying for the wedding so I don't have the feeling of being ripped off all over again, but I do feel trapped between wanting to be there for my daughter on her 'big day' and feeling as angry as hell with her for wanting the ..... there after what he's done to me and her beloved late grandparents. My ex doesn't deserve to be invited. Nobody wants him there expect DD. She has been through hell because of what he has done. She has obviously forgiven him but I don't know how she honestly expects me to be in the same room as him or to be enthusiastic about any of the preparations. Thank you for your opinions and thoughts on this. They are helpful to read while I'm 'deciding what to do'

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WhereYouLeftIt · 30/10/2011 21:18

TBH, I do think your daughter is placing you in an impossible position. Have you considered sitting down and talking to her about this? Explain how difficult you will find it and that you are dreading it? She may not be aware of your feelings, as I would doubt you discuss him at all if you can avoid it.

In the circumstances, I would find it very difficult to attend her wedding.

It's all very well to say "oh, it's her wedding day, put her first", but seriously - how good a day is she going to have if she finds her mother sobbing or screaming like a fishwife at her father, having been provoked beyond fury or just plain unable to cope with his presence? There would be a picture for the album! Even just the ignoring each other would not make for a pleasant wedding, if the daughter has any sensitivity at all.

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TheOriginalFAB · 30/10/2011 21:41

You say your dd has forgiven her father. Do you think she will forgive you if you make her chose or refuse to go if he goes?

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tunaday · 30/10/2011 21:48

You are right, whereyouleftit, I don't discuss him if I can possibly help it. But DD knows I hate him and can't forgive him. She says it wouldn't feel right not having him there. I haven't told her I am dreading her wedding day though. Somehow I can't bring myself to as she's been through such a grim time since our divorce and was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis last year and has been ill. She is finally happy and I don't want to upset her. I just want her to hate her father as much as I do. She says I'm the best mum in the world and wears my late Mum's wedding ring and wants to name any daughter she has after her, yet at her wedding she still wants the man who stole their life savings and left her mother homeless and penniless and about who she admits she 'can't believe a word he says'. I just don't get it. Yes blood is thicker than water but what he did goes beyond normal human failings - he chose to steal from vulnerable clients and his wife and in-laws. And all because he was too vain to admit he wasn't good at his job and couldn't maintain the way of life he thought a man in his position should be able to afford. I could feel sorry for him a) if he could ever admit that and b) if he hadn't ruined my life so thoroughly. I think, if an appropriate time presents itself, I shall try discuss my feelings with my dd. I too don't know how she will be able to enjoy herself with us both there.

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QuintessentialShadyHallows · 30/10/2011 21:50

I am really sorry for you, it must hurt so much that she is valuing him over you. She is very inconsiderate. In your position, I would not have been able to attend the wedding.

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tunaday · 30/10/2011 21:56

Thank you. I think she tries to treat us as equally as possible. But the situation is so extreme that I don't feel we should be treated equally. Often things are 6 of 1 and half a dozen of another but absolutely nothing excuses what my ex did. If my Dad had done what my ex had done I think I'd have been unable to have anything to do with him. I suppose I want my dd to feel that way about hers. But she doesn't.

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CopperLocs · 30/10/2011 22:03

I don't think your DD has really thought through the implications of having him at her wedding when everyone else won't want him there. Does she realise this will shift the focus of her big day onto him? She may well have forgiven him and that's her choice but that doesn't mean that having him at her wedding is the best choice for anyone least of all herself.

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TheOriginalFAB · 30/10/2011 22:04

I don't think she is valuing him over you. You are both her parents and she clearly loves you both. Maybe she is looking at the bigger picture and doesn't want to regret not having him there if all is better relationship wise at a later date.

Maybe he is paying for the wedding or some part of it. Maybe he is putting pressure on her.

You have to be there to support your dd on her big day and there is no reason why you have to speak to him at all.

You are there as parents, not a couple.

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