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67 replies

tunaday · 30/10/2011 19:48

My daughter has just annouced she is marrying her bf in Nov 2012. She wants my ex (her dad) there.
We divorced after I found out he had changed my Mum's Will so he could steal my inheritance money, taken a huge chunk of my Dad's life savings, re-mortgaged our home by forging my signature, racked up £250,000 of debt also by forging my signature, stole from clients at work and used the money to pay our daughter's uni costs. He ended up in prison for fraud (only for stealing off clients not from my family). I ended up homeless, penniless, and beyond angry. This happened in 2006 and I am still furious. He has never apologised to me or my family. He has apologised to our daughter but always shifts the blame onto everyone but himself. I can't face the thought of having to see him at the wedding and am angry that my daughter has forgiven him (I feel she is being disloyal to me. Petty ,I know, but that's how I feel) and wants him there. I can't get excited about the arrangements which I know is unfair on my daughter but I don't think she realises I am utterly dreading the day. My brothers find it hard to accept that she has forgiven her father for what he has done to their sister and late parents too. Has anyone any advice about coping strategies up to and for the big day? I feel sick at the thought of being in the same room as the thieving ...............!

OP posts:
zumm · 31/10/2011 18:54

:) - ah, now that has given me courage x

horMOANSnomore · 31/10/2011 19:40

BoozeDilemma makes a good suggestion.

My DD insisted on her & her new husband hosting their wedding. Ex-h wasn't allowed to make a speech (no-one did) and so wasn't given importance over anyone. Could you perhaps suggest this sort of thing to your DD?

This way, the day will be hers & her husband's and hopefully your ex will be put in his place.

Look at it this way, if you don't go, he will still be there. Why give him that?

Whether you go or not, I hope you find peace.

tunaday · 31/10/2011 20:58

My DD and fiance are arranging the wedding and exh won't be giving her away or making a speech thank heavens. I think she would have let him make a speech but I brought the subject up and said that nobody wants to hear anything he has to say. The thought of him dressed up in a suit, playing the amusing, good father and pontificating like nothing has ever happened, makes me want to puke!!

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 01/11/2011 09:40

Then you REALLY have to tell her that, OP. Do not let her sleepwalk into causing a huge family rift.

tunaday · 01/11/2011 17:00

You are right WhereYouLeftIt. I doubt I will have long to wait before an opportunity to tell her how much I am not looking forward to it arises and after everyones thoughts on here, I will tell her rather than bottle it up. I think she finds it very hard to put herself into anyone elses shoes, so in that case I will have to tell it like it is.

OP posts:
zumm · 02/11/2011 14:41

Tuna - oh dear, it sounds like your daughter has shades of her dad (in the lack of empathy). I think your earlier comment about telling her how his being there risks ruining her day is the way to go - SELL your no-dad idea to her - tell her why it's a good idea for her dad to stay away (all the points listed above) and all the advantages of a bastard-thieving-dad-free-day ;) - including some advantages just for her - rack brains. (They will have to be pretty good if she's set on having her dad there.)
Maybe come up with an attractive alternative - e.g. could she do a sep party for her dad and his darling brother. e.g. a celebratory meal the day after; or some other solution.
Good luck!

LydiaWickham · 02/11/2011 15:06

OP - he's not your husband anymore, but he is her father, there are thread after thread after thread on here with adults who were abused and/or treated badly as children who still talk about loving their parents. She still loves him, it's not fair of you to suggest she shouldn't because of what he did.

That said, she might not get that having him there risks a scene, or at least, will make him the centre of attention. Explain it nicely to her, suggest that you are prepared to be polite for 1 day for her benefit, you can't be sure the rest of your family will feel the same, and while it might be fine, she might find she's on edge all day waiting for something to happen.

A friend got married recently and his now DW had a similar issue (although no where near as bad), she invited her not-so-DFather just to the ceremony, just to sit in a normal suit and watch his DD get married, but that he was to leave in the drinks reception before the meal, so her mum could relax. That was also a civil wedding at a hotel and all on the same location, it's perfectly possible for someone to leave just after the ceremony. Her mum did the father of the bride speech.

tunaday · 02/11/2011 15:55

I know it's wrong to say DD shouldn't love her Dad after what he's done. It's wrong but I wish she didn't because he doesn't deserve it. I suppose I just can't imagine what it would feel like if it was my Dad and not my husband who had done all this though. I wish she would just invite him to the ceremony. It is obviously possible reading about your friend Lydia. I just have the feeling that DD won't do that. I've really been thinking over everything and I'm STILL not sure how to say anything to DD. I'm tempted not to bring it up myself out of the blue but when the situation presents itself mention the risk of her father ending up the focus and of the atmosphere etc and see what her attitude is. Watch this space..... Thanks all.

OP posts:
colliwobble · 15/11/2011 00:05

maybe a compromise? he gives her away then buggers off? leaving the party shit free.
your daughter is between a rock and a hard place - it is the most important day of her life, she should be allowed to have both parents there. maybe she battles with what he did but blocks it out as the need for her father supercedes the need to address what he did.

that said, if you really cant face it, she needs to respect that - but you are the parent here, not her. so stiff upper lip would help smooth running (but noone could blame u for not facing it .x good luck

creativepebble · 02/04/2012 22:02

Hi Tuna,

Read the whole thread and am really shocked. Your daughter's day is extremely important to her and so on etc etc etc but as WhereYouLeftIt says; she is definitely sleepwalking into causing a huge family rift and more people will be concerned about this than helping her celebrate her marriage.

The whole day will have a shadow over it for so many people because of this. And I'm sorry, she sounds lovely and forgiving and everything, and you sound lovely too, but he has clearly spun her a 'feel sorry for me' yarn at some point and she seems rather gullible to not realise the implications of her decision.

I feel for her, I really do, and hope she can see what is morally right. This man ripped you off! And your family!
I am truly incensed on your behalf.

Maybe she can celebrate with her father at another time/place/occasion, but with your concerned and hurt family there it will not be the celebration she is dreaming of.

Is it that she is so in love and believes she can fix things and that her love is strong enough to unite the family and cause forgiveness? Sorry, I don't buy it. Too much damage has been done.

I wish you all the luck in the world and applaud you also for trying to get over it but actually being bloody honest with yourself and realising how deep this goes for your whole family.

Mobly · 17/04/2012 15:49

You are no longer with you ex, and for good reason. That's your choice.

He will always be your DDs dad. She is an adult and she can make her own decisions. I don't think it's right that you're putting this much pressure on her.

I have sympathy for your situation I really do but your feelings are not the priority here. It's one day, why are you letting his actions still dominate your life?

You are misinterpreting her decision to have her dad there. It's because he is her dad, and she will always love him regardless. This does not mean she is putting him before you. She is making the best of a shitty situation. She can't please everyone. She might aswell please herself.

I think you may need counselling as I daresay there will be many more occasions like this where you are going to have to learn to handle it.

Mobly · 17/04/2012 15:56

And you saying you wish she didn't love him? You can't control your daughter's feelings and you shouldn't try to. I doubt it would make you feel better anyway.

She didn't choose her dad. How would hating him help her?

GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 17/04/2012 16:07

I'm so sorry all this has happened OP!

How old is your daughter? Does she know the full extent of what he's done? I'm sorry but in your position I'm ashamed to say I don't think I could face him either. I totally understand your so upset by this.

If you're close to your daughter can you try explaining how difficualt it will be for you go see him there? Maybe she doesn't realise how hard it would be for you and her uncles. 6 years seems like a long time ago if you're very young, but actually it's very little time in such awful circumstances.

GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 17/04/2012 16:11

Ancient post everyone!!

SoupDragon · 17/04/2012 16:13


This is from Oct/Nov 2011.

Henwelly · 17/04/2012 16:19

I am intrigued now to know what happened.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/04/2012 02:05

Henwelly, me too! OP updated elsewhere.

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