divorce is hell part 2

[cariboo]

Having demanded requested a topic specifically on divorce, I should have at least bothered to post on it!

tbh, I've been so miserable that I've only dared to be in 'safe' places like FB.

Divorce is horrible. It destroys you. It's an agony that goes on and on and on. I've seen both dc in emerg countless times, seen them through illnesses - sleepless nights and days in hospital, praying and crying - but at least once the diagnosis has been given, you know where to start. How, someway, to get on with life. Before you attack me with your knives drawn and snarls of outrage, I know that I've been lucky that way; that there are so many of you out there who live a daily hell with SN children and very ill children, your heart constantly breaking for them, or have lost a child.

Nevertheless, a divorce (mine? ours?) that was supposed to be 'amicable' has moved on to WWIII. No kidding - police, lawyers, witnesses, court hearings, appeals, visitation rights, money, money, money and tears pouring out...

Even though we were abused (emotionally), I sometimes wonder if it was better before than it is now. In the middle of another sleepless night when despair grabs you in your lonely bed, wondering how on earth you're supposed to support 2 little children on practically nothing, how you could have married with so much hope, love and certainty in your heart, swearing 'I do' in a choked voice in front of everyone you love or care for and then have it end like this, in hatred and destruction and anger... I could go on and on but I'll stop now and let someone else have a go.

Certainly taking on some work might give you a bit of a break from it all.

You have obviously had a very difficult time but I'm not sure continuing connection withthe ex via various bits of litigaton and assault charges will be doing you much good. If it is a criminal prosecution then it's not in your hands anyway - the CPS will be dealing with that. You can't just "drop charges" even if you choose. Is it criminal with a criminal trial of him coming up and presumably a risk he'll be jailed? If that is so how will that help with your financial issues as he will be in prison and the meal ticket unable to earn the meals.

Xenia, I was just about to congratulate you on moderating your tone when I saw the phrase "meal ticket". You sound like a man with an axe to grind. If that is the case, you have no place here, if not, could you explain why you use such a phrase?

She wants money from the man (I'm a woman who paid out to a man on a divorce, there are many of us and mumsnet should represent our views as much as women wanting money from men). Usually there is not much money to go round after divorce so it helps if both work and both help with childcare. That is one solution to her current intractabe problems over money which seem to be causing her concern.

Like many women on mumsnet and elsewhere I dont' believe in women living off male earnings. There are plenty of us with that view who think women's lot will never improve if we just do childcaer rather than sharing working and family life evenly with a man.

Xenia, why do you refer to me as 'she'? It's incredibly rude.

It's not a question of 'wanting money from the man' - I've bloody earned it! You clearly have no idea how much work is involved in running a household full-time with no paid domestic help (i.e. nannies, cooks, cleaners, chauffeurs, etc). I've never received any payment, or even thanks, for this, not even the monthly child-allowance! H has never given me access to his (our) finances. We had a so-called joint account set up a few years ago where he would put in grocery money from time to time. You are so out of line here! You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

How dare you imply that I or any other woman in my position is 'living off male earnings'? We damned well work for it and work extremely hard! I'd love to go back to work in a professional category - I'm very well educated and experienced, thank you very much! - but get it through your head that at my age, and in my situation, this is very unlikely now!

You are either not bothering to read my posts or else you're just too bloody-minded stupid to pay attention. Wake up!

I think it's good for people bound up in a divorce situation to hear different views rather than people going round saying poor poor you all the time and also for people to offer practical advice. If you won't get a penny out of this character you might best help your children in that case by getting to work.

If the children live with you now presumably you've been able to ensure the child benefit is paid to you since the separation. Is your husband employed or self employed or neither?

There is offering "different views" and there is spouting inappropriate nonsense.

"get a better paid full time job" Oh yes, just waltz in off the street and waltz out with a fabulous job. Because it is really that easy, just ignore all the feckless unemployed and the hundreds looking for work as clearly they simply aren't trying hard enough.

Hilarious.

Cariboo - I hear you and fwiw I am the higher earner in my divorce....so Xenia cannot accuse me of living off male earnings.

I still feel the same as you.

The divorce is complete but his abuse continues. There is nothing left to fight over but he continues because it is a form of abuse. I have no idea when he will quit. If someone suggested I was bringing any of this upon myself I'd be fairly insulted and upset.

Xenia may be clumsily suggesting ways to try and change your lot but it's coming over as sour grapes about how other women benefit during divorce where she has not been able to

at risk of not wanting to get caught in the crossfire i think Xenia has some very valid points here. Divorce can be difficult and damaging. you can also use it to empower yourself. I would be happy to share thoughts on how I did that (not saying same route works for everyone). My children are now secure, in good education, and we are solvent (through my earnings). And yes I made plenty of mistakes. You have to decide (a) what you want/need (b) what is feasible and (c) make a plan.

Rarely post on mumsnet - but whatever you decide to do, I hope it works well for you x

I share your fears about getting a job OP - I too am very middle aged, spent decades at home bringing up the children (never worked in the work place), only to realise there is actually no money and for all my sacrifices, there will be no home for me and the children at the end of all this. I do not wish to be dependant on the state for long, but accept in the current job market, I must complete a degree and then attempt to start my own mortgage (mid 50's by then) as my exP is a fiscal disaster. Two of my children are termed disabled.

On top of all this pressure the thought of getting a divorce from the ex who REFUSES (his finances would then be scrutinised) is a step too far. However, I have learnt to be independent (no choice as he has little or no contact with the children). And I have learnt to manage my megre finances and budget.

I am deeply resentful that after decades of loyal and faithful support it has come to this, but that is life. As the almightly NDubz says (don't ask) "life is a bitch and then you die" so I learnt to put aside my anger, refuse to be drawn into that control/abuse cycle (easier said than done I must say) and be proud that the children are thriving BECAUSE of me. However, I would just admit that earlier today I spend an hour crying big gulping tears to a dear friend as I felt so overwhelmed. Hey, I am human.

cariboo - how are you ? x

Am coping, honey... just about. I did get the job, which was an amazing high but it will never pay enough to support us.

So, like mature, I'm also returning to uni. Two year program for a Masters. Expensive but ultimately worth it, I hope.

Last week was one of the worst of my life. But I'm still here.

Cariboo - this terrible time will pass and you will be better and stronger for it
Do not race back to work full time - it may enable him to pay less maintenance and less contribution to his family which is his responsibility.

Xenia - I worked full time and had a 50/50 divorce through my choice but I was fortunate and recognise that

Get excellent legal advice - especially about going back to work.
No court will expect you to work full time with two small children with special needs.
Do your Masters it may open up a whole new world
I never wanted a divorce and it was hell but in the long run my life is so much better
"What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger"

I have just found this topic and usually air all my divorce woes in Relationships.

Cariboo well done for getting the job thats great , my heart was heavy reading through your thread as I too think getting a job at almost 45 with a SAHM background is going to be really hard and then you said you got the job

I am sorry to read about everything you have gone through and continue to go through with your very unpleasant sounding xh. The effects on your dc must be awful to have to process and cope with and you sound incredibly strong.

I think I am lucky in that we have quickly and amicably agreed a 50/50 division of all assets and my xh is paying good maintenance. I am having to move shortly but thats ok as I will still have a nice home.

I dont see maintenance as a meal ticket. We agreed I would SAH and my xhs life was one of ease and he took full advantage of him going to work and me not. Each situation has its merits but whilst yes he is having to pay maintenance that will stop in 6 years at which point he will continue to earn a high salary. Through my choices I will never earn a great deal and this is likely to be the case long after his financial commitments to me end.

Like Aprildays I never wanted a divorce and since he left last Christmas there have been some low points but I too am a lot happier now and glad he went. Not sure if I feel any stronger though !!!!

Back for an update: Feeling much more positive since the court hearing re abuse last week. Not that it will get me anywhere but the idea of sponging off h and being deemed (in his words) as 'unstable' and 'showing poor judgement' and even 'negligent' towards the dc was just too much! We were heard separately, thank goodness and afterwards, I felt liberated of some of the pain and suffering that the dc and I have endured these past 10 years.

The abuse continues. Non-payment of all bills, refusal to buy expensive anti-seizure drugs for dd, aggressive daily phone calls, canceling weekends with the dc (he's only had them once so far - amazing), malicious gossip, etc. I just wish he would go away... back to the UK? and leave us to get on with our lives. I worry about the effect all of this is having, or more likely, will have, on the dc. They don't speak of their father nor do they seem at all disappointed by his cancellations.

I begin training for my new job tomorrow and will start my Masters in August, fingers crossed. Thanks so much for all the support, both here and on FB. x