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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

divorce is hell part 2

39 replies

cariboo · 03/02/2011 21:16

Having demanded requested a topic specifically on divorce, I should have at least bothered to post on it!

tbh, I've been so miserable that I've only dared to be in 'safe' places like FB.

Divorce is horrible. It destroys you. It's an agony that goes on and on and on. I've seen both dc in emerg countless times, seen them through illnesses - sleepless nights and days in hospital, praying and crying - but at least once the diagnosis has been given, you know where to start. How, someway, to get on with life. Before you attack me with your knives drawn and snarls of outrage, I know that I've been lucky that way; that there are so many of you out there who live a daily hell with SN children and very ill children, your heart constantly breaking for them, or have lost a child.

Nevertheless, a divorce (mine? ours?) that was supposed to be 'amicable' has moved on to WWIII. No kidding - police, lawyers, witnesses, court hearings, appeals, visitation rights, money, money, money and tears pouring out...

Even though we were abused (emotionally), I sometimes wonder if it was better before than it is now. In the middle of another sleepless night when despair grabs you in your lonely bed, wondering how on earth you're supposed to support 2 little children on practically nothing, how you could have married with so much hope, love and certainty in your heart, swearing 'I do' in a choked voice in front of everyone you love or care for and then have it end like this, in hatred and destruction and anger... I could go on and on but I'll stop now and let someone else have a go.

OP posts:
Xenia · 03/02/2011 21:46

So let's make it okay then....

Why has it got like that. Which of you earns the most and what stage are you at in the divorce? How old are the children?

For those of us who divorce because we choose too it is of course totally different - it's difficult but the end result justifies the difficult time through which you go to reach that end result.

Could you not ensure you both use lawyers who are committed not to going to court?

Original poster
cariboo · 03/02/2011 21:50

I earn nada, zero, zilch.

I chose divorce after years of verbal abuse. I had no choice, really. The dc crying and shaking, saying stop, daddy stop! please mummy, don't answer!

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Original poster
cariboo · 03/02/2011 21:51

Makes me sick with rage and disgust to think about it.

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Xenia · 03/02/2011 21:56

So first get yourself back to full time work. That will ease everything on both sides. Have you started job hunting? You need lateral thinking and it's not very fair to live off male earnings and why rely on a man y anyway. Make yourself free by getting out there and out earning him. It will be fun too and you can stop thinking about the divorce and petty fights over money issues.

Secondly how old are the children and which of you do they live with?

Original poster
cariboo · 03/02/2011 22:04

Yes. First interview was on Monday. Being closer to 50 than to 40 isn't working in my favour, though. Nor is having been a SAHM for 8 years. (dc both 'SN' - nocturnal frontal lobe epilepsy & ADHD)

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Original poster
cariboo · 03/02/2011 22:07

Petty fights?

I don't believe it! You can't possibly judge, you snide person, you!

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Xenia · 03/02/2011 22:23

Force him to have them 50% of the time so that's it's easier for you to work full time and gets you a break from it. See his contact as win win for you. it's a mental attitude thing.

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 03/02/2011 23:13

Xenia - how exactly does one "force" a NRP to have them 50% of them time? Or even at all??

Dump them on their doorstep?

Xenia · 04/02/2011 09:48

My comment was made in the light of the poster suggesting she had a contact battle - ie her children's father would rather like the children with him so if she were to offer him 50% that might resolve her intractable divorce issues. I was trying to put a different mind set on to her to break the stalemate in her litigation and negotiations.

Original poster
cariboo · 04/02/2011 14:07

H is abusive. A-b-u-s-i-v-e. I think I was quite clear on that in my op, Xenia. He's not capable of even spending 24 hours with them without losing his temper.

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Xenia · 04/02/2011 14:20

I don't agree that losing temper is abuse but I know nothing about your situation. How old are the children?

I also think it's a dangerous path we are going down in equating words with physical violence. I am not happy with it.

Original poster
cariboo · 04/02/2011 18:03

Apparently you're a lawyer, Xenia and as such, I would have credited you with far more intelligence and discretion than you're currently displaying. I don't give a damn if you're 'not happy with it'. It's not your place to pass judgement, no matter how qualified you believe you are to do so.

Before you make a complete fool of yourself, back off. You have no idea of what I mean when I say 'abuse'. When the police came to my home, I told them that I would far rather have had H give me a black eye. At least then there would have been no question as to the definition of abuse. Emotional abuse is in fact far more damaging in the long term than physical abuse. Why? Because physical abuse is immediately evident. It can be photographed and documented.

Therefore, let me tell you that as a result of continuous emotional abuse, my children have both been in full-time psychotherapy for at least a year. I owe you, nor anyone else who wishes to challenge me on this, any further explanation.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but in the seven years that I've been with MN, I was under the impression that this website was created as a support group for parents and not a destructive 'bitch-fest'.

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Xenia · 04/02/2011 19:13

I offered quite a lot of practical advice. If money is the issue let it not be and get a better paid full time job.

Also as I am sure you know just about any mother in the land can deny fathers contact - you just ignore the court order. They never jail the mother. Just about all the power is in your hands over contact. Plenty of people refuse to play ball over it.

If you want him to pay more or to give you a higher share of the assets than he wants to give if there are many assets ( in most there are very few) look at whether it will cost you both more to argue over it than you could each concede.

As we all know you get one side on places like this and we can never someone's situatino btu if you could release yourself from economic dependence on a man that itself might solve the years of awful argument over money at a stroke - you could tell him to take his money and XYZ with it because you don't need it. you out earn him. He's nothing. Then you could deny him all contact although that's not in my view usually right.

Original poster
cariboo · 04/02/2011 19:39

Oh, go back to whatever rock you live under.

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thelibster · 04/02/2011 19:51

Xenia, fuck off go away please, you're not helping.

cariboo I know something of what you're going through. I'm going through a divorce and am over 50. Spent the last 7 years working for ex-h company, before that, SAHM for 12 years. Was professional musician before DC but RA has put a stop to that. Do a little private teaching but it doesn't bring in much. Ex-h hasn't even given me a P45 (he left last June) Reference from ex-h doesn't hold much water when job hunting, job hunting ain't easy, I know.

Original poster
cariboo · 04/02/2011 20:07

Thank you, thelibster! Protective arm much appreciatedSmile

The only reason I'm spilling my guts on here is to offer support and empathy to women in similar situations. Not to wring my hands and say 'woe is me'. Divorce can be so far removed from 'breaking up', which is why I requested a separate topic.

I'm now wondering if we shouldn't also have a topic on abuse. When I see evidence of incomprehension on MN to such a taboo yet relevant issue, it makes me positively 'evangelical'!

OP posts:
follyfoot · 04/02/2011 20:13

My divorce was the first steps to a fantastic new life. I can look back and say that now. Very tough at the time but as my divorce lawyer always used to say 'no-one shows themselves at their best when they are going through a divorce'. So so true.

You will look back one day and it will be a dim distant memory. Promise x

Original poster
cariboo · 04/02/2011 20:14

Xenia seems to be obsessed with money. My only obsession is survival.

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thelibster · 04/02/2011 20:21

I just think Xenia lives in cloud cuckoo land. "get a better paid full time job" Like, yeah I'll just go pick one off the well, paid full time job tree!

thelibster · 04/02/2011 20:22

well paid, full time Blush

Xenia · 04/02/2011 20:30

You said the issues were court action over money and contact. So those are the issues that need to be resolved surely. There is usually not much money after divorce as there are 2 homes not one so part of the solution is generating more money for the sake of the children.

Another is trying to resolve issues over contact fairly on both sides and trying to put yourself into the shoes of the other person.

Some women just like to talk about problems but are not interested in solutions. Those women can be frustrating.

thelibster · 04/02/2011 20:44

Xenia read the OP, You've focussed in on three lines in the middle. It seems that there are already enough legal beagles involved. It's a bumpy ride and OP needs a bit of emotional support. If you find that frustrating, why are you here?

jonicomelately · 04/02/2011 20:49

I can't see that the OP's instant solution to her current situation is to get a full time job. She doesn't sound like emotionally she's up to it at the moment. Surely she needs to give herself a little time to get over this awful situation and of course let the arrangements regarding the care of her children be settled?

I know you probably mean well Xenia but I really think you've been very insensitive, crass even, on this thread.

Original poster
cariboo · 04/02/2011 22:14

The real court action will be on abuse. H wants me to drop charges - to hell with that and with him, for that matter.

How old are you, Xenia? I'm 48. As I said, I haven't worked in a professional capacity for 8 years. Times are tough, life moves quickly. With a BFA, I doubt I'd be a serious candidate for a full time job, or at least one that would do more than cover the hideous expense of paying someone else to 'take care' of the dc.

My children are probably not SN in the strictest sense but they are very vulnerable emotionally. Having anyone but a family member (ideally, me - commonly known as the 'primary caregiver'), their need for drugs and psychotherapy would increase. That's without taking into consideration the emotional damage. Drugs and therapy might help but far better to offer them support where they really need it - from their parents. As H is unable to give them this, or anything else of any value IMO, that task falls to me.

I'm not lazy - what a luxury! I'm a middle-aged woman facing a very common dilemma. When you've given all your energy and time to be a wife to someone with a demanding career and to be a full-time mother to children with 'difficulties', without any recognition, financially or otherwise, and suddenly you find yourself staring poverty face-to-face because you refuse to put up with abuse, there's a lot to be bitter about.

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follyfoot · 04/02/2011 23:36

Bitterness is a road to misery though. And the only person it hurts is you.

You sound very very angry. Would it be worth talking to someone to help you come to terms with whats gone on?