Dh diabetes not under control and MIL moaning at me

[elliejjtiny]

Dh (type 2) is sticking his head in the sand, feeling not well and based on his symptoms and what he eats I'm guessing his sugars are high. I have bought him sugar free snacks to encourage him and gone on a health kick myself so he isn't the only one not eating chocolate (i am not diabetic but could do with losing weight). I can't make him do anything though. MIL is having a go at me about it, telling me i should be making him see a dr or a psychologist (tbh i don't think she realises what's wrong with him and dh would rather she didn't know) and moaning at me because he's not well enough to go to church. I don't know what to do, i just want my dh to be well again.

Does he qualify for one of those stick on monitors?

I think you have two separate problems:
DH having his head in the sand
MIL moaning at you to fix it

For the first one, how much do you and he know about Type 2 diabetes and the diet changes he needs to make? Sugar free snacks is not going to be an appropriate response. Who does the shopping? Cooks the meals? Decides what the meals are?
If you also need to lose weight, then the actions he needs would be appropriate for you to stop you being diabetic as well.

Second - you redirect MIL back to him, every single time.

Your husband does need to go to his doctors and get a proper assessment of his diabetes. My mum was referred to a diabetic dietician which really helped understand how to manage. Just tell you mil to talk to her son about it not you.

Sugar free snacks are just as bad as they either contain sweeteners or carbs (or both) which will spike blood sugar. He needs to reset his diet. Is he under the diabetic nurse at the GP?

Can he get prescribed Ozempic or similar. DP got it and it's dramatically reduced the amount of crap he eats, his diabetic numbers have improved and he's lost about 3 stone.

But this is his issue to solve so direct MILs moaning to him.

You are not his Mummy 2.0.

Don't be piggy in the middle. If she has an issue with her own son acting the irresponsible idiot, get out from in between them and let them have that conversation.

Forward every message / text etc from her to him. Don't answer your mobile to her and if she leaves a message, forward that too. If you answer the landline to her (when he's home), pass it over to him immediately.

No more 'two adults discussing helpless little boy' mindsets.

He needs to engage with the diabetes nurse linked with your doctors and get a full assessment. This should include:

• blood test, HbA1C, liver function, kidney function, cholesterol
• foot check - circulation, wounds and nerve damage
• eye check - nerve and circulation damage to retina

These tests need to be repeated annually at minimum, more often if his diabetes is uncontrolled.

If he’s willing then I think a Freestyle Libre Continuous Glucose monitor would be a good idea for right now. On the Abbot (manufacturer) website you can do a free trial where they send 1 free sensor which will last for 2 weeks.

He can download the app and you can download Libre Link which allows you a summary of his results and notifications if he goes too high or low. It will give you both a good indication of where his current sugar levels are and what foods/activities are causing peaks and troughs.

Ultimately he needs to be the one to do all of this, you can’t make him, but if he’s willing let’s it go unmanaged then he is at high risk for a stroke, heart attack, limb damage, blindness and of course death. He needs to get his head around it and take control.

@elliejjtiny Hi there, have a look at the Diabetes UK website, they have lots of info about healthy eating to manage T2 diabetes, and a lot of it is easily done, just slight changes. If you do most of the cooking, then you can change what you cook and he probably won't even notice.

BTW - you aren't responsible for what he puts in his mouth by the way, and tell him to deal with his mother.

'He's an adult, Marjorie. It's a pity you didn't bring him up to be able to look after himself.'

I have type 2 diabetes, and one of the first things I did was to buy a monitor - one of the continuous glucose monitors. Both Dexcom and Freestyle Libre will send you a free one to try, if you go on their website. If a type 2 diabetic is on insulin, they qualify for free monitors, otherwise you need to pay for them, which is what I do.

@elliejjtiny - I have made big changes to my diet - no more fruit juices or sugary sodas, almost no bread, and I restrict carbs with my main meal. As far as possible, I use whole grain carbs - brown rice, wholewheat pasta etc. I have low carb/no carb lunches - cold chicken, pickled beetroot and coleslaw, cheese and celery, hummus and crudités.

It isn’t easy, and I have every sympathy for your dh - it was a shock when I was diagnosed - even though I knew I was very overweight and it was a real risk - I genuinely,y felt as if my life was ruined, and I’d never enjoy food again, but I’ve adjusted, and do still enjoy food. I even eat sweet things sometimes - having the continuous glucose monitor means I know that my sugars are in the healthy range most of the time, so I reckon the odd dessert/ice cream won’t be a disaster.

Does your dh know the risks if he doesn’t get his sugars under control? Losing his eyesight, damage to his circulation and nerves, especially to his feet - I have to have an annual eye test and check of my feet to ensure they are still healthy, and I have been warned to be careful not to hurt my feet as it could be really slow to heal or might not heal at all, leading to really serious problems.

Avoid sugar free snacks, they are just a gimmick.
you want to be cutting down carbs, or swapping them for healthier carbs i.e white bread to wholemeal bread.

Diabetes UK has excellent advice on diet and a lot of recipes. And it's basically a diet that is healthy for everyone in the family whether diabetic or not.

Agree “sugarfree” often means sweeteners and processed ingredients. What medication does he take? Tbh it may take a serious complication to wake him up to needing to be more proactive and be more self disciplined about food. You can’t do it for him.

Best thing is to avoid snacking to keep insulin more level. There’s a lot of really good info out there if he doesn’t want to engage with drs/nurses.
My dh reversed his but he was determined to do so. He just went low carb and ate a lot of chicken and salad/veg for meals. Eggs for breakfast. It didn’t take long.
Obviously, you’re not his mum but you can support him IF he wants to make changes.

For ten years I've never seen anyone take control of their diabetes unless they themselves have had enough and take back some control, no amount of bringing it up or buying gadgets or the right foods make a difference until the diabetic person decides.

Unfortunately nobody else can do this for him. The information is out there, but there's no point in you researching everything, he should do that himself.

Next time MIL starts again, just say something about how you agree that he needs to look after himself better and she needs to talk to him herself, because unfortunately he's not listening to you either. Be clear that he's a grown adult and while you are trying to support him, he can't be forced.

For your DH get him to see the GP and dietitian. For your MIL either ignore her or tell her to talk to her son.

I have changed my eating habits recently, saw Glucose Goddess on YouTube. Simple things, eating vegetables and protein before carbohydrates. I only snack on vegetables and nuts. That’s stopped me craving carbs. But, I don’t have diabetes so I think it’s important for your DH seeing a dietitian.

Does your local diabetes team run a diabetes education course? My DP is T2D, and found the course really helpful.
It's really important your DH takes all his meds and attends all his appointments - poorly controlled diabetes can lead to blindness, amputations and kidney failure. Yes, it's his responsibility, but you may need to prompt him sometimes.
Tell your MIL to nag him, not you!

Thank you. He's not on any medication for his diabetes, he's supposed to control it with diet. I do the meal planning and most of the cooking but he does the shopping. I normally cook meals with vegetables on the side so dc3 who only eats broccoli can have extra broccoli instead of carrots and i try and do carbs separately as well when i can so if dh or i want to have less potatoes and more vegetables then we can. He isn't overweight, his bmi is 23 i think. He was offered a place on a diabetes education course when he was first diagnosed but lockdown started when he got to the top of the waiting list. Dh hasn't heard from them since so i will try and persuade him to chase that up.

I knew the sugar free stuff wasn't great in general but i thought it was good for people with diabetes. I'll tell MIL to talk to dh about it rather than me, although dh tries to avoid her which means she starts on me instead.

Is he actually checking his sugar levels regularly though? If he’s not controlling his diet and was diagnosed during Covid and hasn’t been checking his sugars then it’s likely it’s worsened and diet may no longer be a viable sole treatment.

T2 typically don’t check sugars daily, just hba1c every six months

@LIZSwhen I was diagnosed with t2 last year I was devised to test first thing in waking and then 2 hrs after every meal until I got it under control then I’ve been getting HbA1c every 3 months. Once I was consistently in normal range I was told I could drop the regular testing unless I felt ill in which case it was a good idea to check in. It doesn’t sound like OPs DP has ever really reached a ‘controlled’ point and was last tested somewhere around covid lockdown

He was tested last about a year ago and it was really high. The gp sent him to hospital where they checked him over and sent him home again to be reviewed by the diabetes nurse. The diabetes nurse put him on metformin but it didn't agree with him so she said he needed to control his diabetes with diet. He is supposed to have his habc1 (not sure if I've got the letters right) tested once a year but he's been avoiding having it done, probably because he knows it will be high again.

He definitely needs to go back to the GP/diabetes nurse (who will also refer for relevant screening appointments) - his health is really at risk if he doesn't.
There are other medications than Metformin. I know my DP was quite poorly with an upset stomach the first few weeks on Metformin but it soon settled.

Did he try both types of metformin, they start you on the standard but can use a slow release one instead which is more gentle on the stomach.