DH will not get out of bed - 29 hours and counting

[TreacherousPissFlap]

DH (Alzheimer's diagnosis) and I are splitting up, the decision is entirely on my side and I'm completely aware that he's struggling with what's happening going forward. He needs to leave the house and SS are looking at accommodation for him.

He has never been good at dealing with things, preferring to just pretend it's not happening and seeing what will happen.

DH has not got out of bed for the last 29 hours. He has his water bottle next to his bed but has drunk very little (a couple hundred ml at most)

We had paramedics out on Monday for similar, they checked his signs then hoiked him out of bed and made him drink 2 big glasses of water downstairs. They left with strong words of advice to get up and eat and drink properly.

I know it's not as easy as "he's staying in bed just to prove a point and make me feel guilty".
However I've been in at least 6 times today to tell him the time and encourage him to get up. I've been out with a friend this evening and offered him dinner and a drink again when I got home - he refused.

I'm completely at a loss as to what to do. SS have offered to try and put in carers until he moves out, just to make sure he gets up. He's previously refused carers so I'm not sure how that will go, and that's not going to happen anytime soon. I can call an ambulance but I'm almost certain it's not physical and all they'll do is force him out of bed again. We'll then be in the same situation tomorrow.

Any advice would be massively appreciated 🙏🏼

Be watchful OP. He may soon need hospitalising for dehydration and delirium. My FIL had Alzheimer’s and drinking water was a big issue.

Ah good he’s up.

I was going to say this. My mum is in her 90s and sharp as a tack, but she's never liked to drink much and somehow she managed to drink very little over a period of time. She started to have delusions - it was very scary for her and everyone else. Your XP really wouldn't like to experience those.

TBH I would want them to take him to hospital and for him to go from there to a care home.

I would of called an ambulance and insisted they take him to hostipal and then refused to have him back. He must know what he's doing to you.

Dear god OP, his behaviour is so like that of my FIL when he was told to ‘take it easy’ when he had shingles so he took to his bed for 5 months! He’d get up and dressed if his dd visited but not for anyone else, simply because she wouldn’t Tanya nonsense from him. Unfortunately mil pandered to him all his life and boy, did he take advantage of her.
I too would be absolutely incandescent.

Thank you everyone

I've been on MN a long time and I've seen the best and the worst of it. You've all really helped me during an incredibly difficult time when I really didn't know what to say or do.

I'm going to speak to the SW tomorrow and tell her I am withdrawing care as I simply can't continue like this. I'll also not allow carers in the house as

1. it's very intrusive
2. it drives my poor old dog to the point of meltdown having strangers in
3. he refused carers all along and was happy to place the burden on me. If he accepts them now it will be for his sake and not mine

Can't quite believe that it's come to this TBH

@TreacherousPissFlap sending hugs x its a very difficult situation for you. Good luck with the social worker and I hope you get some peace 💐🙏❣️

What a difficult situation, OP. I think a talk with SS is the way forward, he needs a place finding rapidly anyway and this will hurry it along. If not, then call the ambulance, into hospital he goes and then refuse care after that.

As you say, awful, but it's awful now but kinder for him in the long run to go somewhere where he can be cared for in the future, not just now. You aren't together, you aren't able to be his carer, that's how it is. This is a very difficult moment but will benefit both of you in the long-run as it's currently unsustainable.

Blimey. It would seem that he’s perfectly capable of getting up and getting sorted when it suits him but other than that, he’s willing to just wallow.
I don’t know how long you guys have been together but this sounds very manipulative.

Sending you a hand hold in a very difficult situation. @TreacherousPissFlap

The email has been sent and acknowledged, now we wait 😢

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, it sounds exhausting. When someone has dementia, it can be really hard to know how much is the illness and how much is their response to what’s happening. I have a relative with dementia, and looking into care options helped me understand what support might be available when things become too much for family to manage alone. I found this site useful: https://www.rightcarehome.co.uk/blog. I hope you manage to get some support soon.

Have you had a reply? What a stressful situation.

Well it's been a rollercoaster couple of days

Initially SS refused a care home but after pressure conceded to a temporary placement. They then pulled that at the last minute while they sought legal advice and basically dumped him back on me. I was extremely firm BUT it turns out there's nothing you can do if he's in the house and they just shrug their shoulders.

He's had a capacity assessment today which he failed, he was then immediately offered a care home placement which he'll probably be able to move into tomorrow. He's still with me tonight which I'm ok with.

Its absolutely the best outcome but incredibly sad at the same time 😢

Very difficult, OP, but it's clear this can't go on for him or you, he doesn't have capacity and isn't making good decisions. Hard times, but it will be better in the long-run this way.

@TreacherousPissFlaphows it going?

Glad he had the capacity assessment done, and that the result was what you knew all along.

Yes, it is a sad thing to contemplate. This is someone who is gradually slipping away after all, right in front of your eyes. But maybe the relationship will improve when someone else is doing the nuts and bolts of the physical care.

How are you OP?