DH will not get out of bed - 29 hours and counting

[TreacherousPissFlap]

DH (Alzheimer's diagnosis) and I are splitting up, the decision is entirely on my side and I'm completely aware that he's struggling with what's happening going forward. He needs to leave the house and SS are looking at accommodation for him.

He has never been good at dealing with things, preferring to just pretend it's not happening and seeing what will happen.

DH has not got out of bed for the last 29 hours. He has his water bottle next to his bed but has drunk very little (a couple hundred ml at most)

We had paramedics out on Monday for similar, they checked his signs then hoiked him out of bed and made him drink 2 big glasses of water downstairs. They left with strong words of advice to get up and eat and drink properly.

I know it's not as easy as "he's staying in bed just to prove a point and make me feel guilty".
However I've been in at least 6 times today to tell him the time and encourage him to get up. I've been out with a friend this evening and offered him dinner and a drink again when I got home - he refused.

I'm completely at a loss as to what to do. SS have offered to try and put in carers until he moves out, just to make sure he gets up. He's previously refused carers so I'm not sure how that will go, and that's not going to happen anytime soon. I can call an ambulance but I'm almost certain it's not physical and all they'll do is force him out of bed again. We'll then be in the same situation tomorrow.

Any advice would be massively appreciated 🙏🏼

That sounds like a very difficult situation.

How progressed is his Alzheimer's disease?

Does he have any family members or friends that can talk to him about this?

How long have you been married?
perhaps he just needs some time to wallow and let this momentous calamity wash over him?

and. (& I know this might be hard) Perhaps you need to be colder to it…… step away and let others step in? whether that is children, siblings, friends or the state….?

Is this a stubbornness thing, a conscious decision to prove a point? Or is it the dementia? I know it's hard to disentangle the two. My dad did similar when he was approaching the mid stages of dementia, he refused to get up and told people he wasn;t getting out of bed because he was dying. Went on for a few hours until he forgot why he was staying in bed in the first place and got up.

Do you have a mental health nurse, a social worker, anyone who can intervene?

I dont mean to be rude, but this is your (D)H with an incurable disease, yet he is needing to leave the house. That sounds odd, why would the house not need to be sold to support both your future needs, and his will probably be greater sooner?

I say DH but we're not actually married (I've made lots of poor decisions in my life but never committed to marrying) The house is mine and solely paid for by me, I bought it 4 years ago as a first property, by which time he was retired on only a state pension. There's a lot more behind this situation than in my OP.

It's so hard to disentangle what is related to his conditions and what is sheer bloody mindedness. He had also become very lazy over the past few years once the responsibilities of work had diminished / stopped so there's also that.

Ive had to disengage. Any suggestion that we for example take the dog for a walk, results in him thinking we're "getting on quite well" and me having to reiterate that nothing has changed. I'm currently cool and practical but nothing more.

He has an adult son who is "very concerned" but has yet to be of any practical help. He refuses to see that there is an issue and seems to feel that 30+ hours in bed is a reasonable course of action.

I've spoken to 111 and I'm waiting for a call back from an OOH GP.

Has he not had a wee in all that time?

IF he goes into the hospital, refuse to have him back.
Tell them he doesnt live there anymore.
Put his son as next of kin / Emergency contact
They will then have to find him suitable housing / care from the hospital

Not meaning to diminish but 30 hours is not a dangerous amount of time, is it? My ASD relative has done the same on occasion in burnout. It’s not an ambulance situation I don’t think. Just leave him to it and he’ll get up eventually surely?

He isnt eating or drinking by the sounds of it. Also bed sores

@SmallandSpanish for me perhaps no. However he is in his seventies and frail. He's also not drinking which concerns me far more than the bed rotting.

@AlwayAnxious he has had a wee at some point today but I can almost 100% say not for at least the last 12 hours (there are normally signs he's been up and about which I haven't seen)

When the paramedics came earlier in the week they said his wee was dark but not horribly concerning. He's always been very poor at drinking so I assume he's in some way conditioned to it

I’m sorry op it sounds really hard. When you do get a call back from 111 please insist you can’t take care of him. If he is admitted to hospital don’t let them discharge him back to your home. You’re bound to feel guilty but if you want a clean break you need to do it.

Thank you all 🙏🏼

We're in the process of finding him new accommodation through SS and he has a move out date in mid November - I had to give him notice as he's technically a tenant.

When the paramedics came earlier in the week they asked a lot of questions, acknowledged what a difficult situation I was in and asked me what I wanted to happen. Looking back I think that if I'd said I couldn't manage any longer I think they would have taken him to hospital.

Through all this I've tried to be reasonable but I'm genuinely worried for his welfare and don't see how he can sustain another 5 weeks like this.

Tbh if he carries on like this you’ll need the paramedics again, and then they will come to the conclusion he needs to be admitted to hospital .

This - and be very wary of allowing them to send carers. That is how they keep people at home (even if "at home" means living in someone else's home).

It sounds as if he has issues related to both alzheimers and personality - hard to disentangle, and more to the point, impossible for you to deal with. He needs skilled 24 hour care.

If he doesn't drink, he will experience dehydration delirium and will have to be hospitalised.

The only positive is he has no legal right to stay in the house, and he has been served formal notice. He has to leave on the specified date and SS are very aware of this.

Its such a fuck up and I'm so angry that it's come to this

Whereabouts are you located? If you're in England, Wales or NI, it doesn't sound like he would be a tenant, a lodger at best, but generally, living with a partner doesn't make them a tenant or a lodger. If you end a relationship and your name is on the house, you don't have to serve a formal eviction, you just tell them to leave.

Lack of drinking could also lead to a UTI. This was my dad for the last few years - ended up with sepsis a couple of times. It's so hard when stubbornness and Alzheimer's mix. I hope you get some help tonight.

That sounds right actually, there was a specific term to describe his situation that I can't recall off the top of my head.

My research suggested 4 weeks was a suitable notice period (I think it would be a bit of a dick move to just demand he leave, even if I was able to) but 8 weeks was a more realistic timeline given his additional needs and the desire for him not to go into emergency accommodation if at all possible.

Still waiting for a call back but it's Friday night so I imagine they're very busy. I think I'll take myself to bed and leave my phone on loud.

How are things going op? Hopefully 111 returned your call.

Thank you for checking @oddsbobshammerandtongs ❤️

111 called back and I had a small row with the GP who tried to suggest I should syringe water into his mouth. I did explain that firstly I didn't feel comfortable doing that while he was lying down and drowsy, and secondly we just don't have the sort of relationship anymore where I could do that. He was quite rude, huffed and puffed a bit before agreeing to send someone out and putting the phone down on me.

The OOH GP service came at around 4.30am and checked him over, again giving him a clean(ish) bill of health and insisting that he drink something. He gave me good advice about SS and promised to escalate with our GP.

I've spoken to SS who were actually very helpful (well, as helpful as they can be over the weekend) and passed me across to a crack team of nurses who deal with short term situations like this. A lovely nurse came out and assessed him and has put plans in place to re attend tomorrow to at least ensure he's up and has drunk something so that we can get through until Monday when his SW will be back in.

I'm furious that when he heard me on the phone he took it upon himself to eventually get showered and dressed. When the nurse asked him why he'd suddenly chosen to get up he said "well I knew you were coming" 🙄

Sounds like a big manipulation tactic on his part. Well done for staying strong with the gp and not getting involved in any physical care. Hopefully he’ll have somewhere else to go soon.

After that battle @TreacherousPissFlap hopefully things will be moved along faster with his placement outside of your home.

Him showing that ultimately he could choose to get up and do those normal things if a person other than you would be there is something else.

People with Alzheimers tend to sleep a lot and like to stay in bed so could be related to his condition.

He got up and showered as soon as a nurse was due to come so it seems manipulative rather than due to his condition. He probably hopes op will back down and let him stay.

The nurse didn't feel it was manipulation as such, more that he's upset about the situation but putting on a good show in front of other people which she says is quite common. Not that it's to spite me per se but who knows?

They're going to call later and attend again if he's not up. Unsurprisingly he's not.

His son is down for the weekend and has called him to see if he'd like to go for a walk. He's currently up and in the shower, I am barely restraining myself