How to get parent to accept help

[Gingercatlover]

MIL is 90 and clearly has Dementia, but will not see a doctor, her memory has been declining for five years now and seems to have got worse since Christmas.

Usual things, losing keys, etc, getting lost in the village she has lived in for fifty years, not recognising relatives she hasn’t seen for a while, can’t remember much short term.

I have offered to organise a cleaner etc as she keeps saying she isn’t getting it done, but again will not entertain this idea.

Driving is another major issue, not renewing car insurance on time etc.

she will not listen to any advice despite saying every time we see her she is losing her memory. Financially she is well off but again no POA in place and will not have this either.

Feels like we are just waiting for a disaster to happen but without forcing these things how do you make them see?

Thanks for reading.

This. Absolutely this.

Would you be happy for her to drive you around, OP? Would you get in a car with her driving it?

Why are you having a go at me?
Shall I just go around and steal her car?
The medical profession and her five sons can sort it out.
over and out.

Yes. Get her five sons to steal her car. Why are you/they minimising this?

OP it's extremely difficult to sort out (I have 5 siblings and one was still trying to tell me not to take her license away when she drove straight into a brick gate post!!) Your DH and his siblings will need to be open to having that very difficult conversation. Also be prepared to move the car very quickly (even with her licence taken away by the police my mum would have still got in the car and driven)

Ask every one of her many sons if they would be happy for her to drive them, and their children, down a motorway.

Or even down a local lane.

Don't get snippy at us because we are showing you an unwelcome truth. Your MIL should not be driving, and none of her children seem to be facing up to that.

It could be tomorrow that she kills a toddler.

If the MIL passed the memory test (big ‘if’ because the son wasn’t in the room and MIL may be an unreliable narrator) there is no legal basis at all for her kids to steal her possessions. Even if she failed it, as of now she holds a valid licence. And she’s obviously stubborn as heck.

These situations are really, really difficult. My dad’s driving ability was seriously deteriorating for about two years before his licence was revoked. Yes, I could have stolen his car - but it would have hugely damaged our relationship, and he would never have trusted me again. Which wouldn’t just be painful personally; I would not have been able to persuade him to put the phone down on scammers who had stolen £12k from
him, I would not have been able to persuade him to stay and wait for the nurse to do the discharge check when he had post-surgery delirium, I would not have been able to persuade him that he needs to let me put an AirTag on his keys.

None of this outweighs the death of someone on the roads, of course it doesn’t. But the OP isn’t actually the queen of the world. She’s negotiating an intractably difficult and horrible situation with bugger all help from anyone else, and with no legal authority to intervene. If you haven’t personally gone through this, I imagine it’s comforting to think there are easy solutions.

Unfortunately because there was no one in the room with her at the doctor's no one knows what actually happened. What she told your husband may have no bearing on reality. The GP will not diagnose her but he may have referred her to the memory clinic, but no one will know because if she receives a letter, she'll hide it.

But I agree it is not your problem, it is up to her sons to sort out.

Yeah, if you’re still reading OP - getting into healthcare appointments with her is so crucial. Diagnoses, referrals, plans of action, awareness of follow-up letters or phone calls, medication changes, instructions for the pharmacist… all of that basically disappears the moment she walks out of the room, unless someone is there with her. (Another thing you can’t do if the person with dementia doesn’t trust you.)

I did recommend that OP's DH should go into the appt with her, but - even though he actually took her to the appt! - he seems to have lacked the gumption/inteleligence to have gone in with her.

So the whole appt was a huge waste of time. Of course she was going to say it went well.

He and his brothers don't seem to have a clue.

Yeah, I saw some people had recommended it and was hoping the OP would pick that up. But she’s not in control of this. It’s not her mum, she has zero official authority, and she’s trying (perhaps) to relay instructions from Mumsnet (ie anonymous online weirdos!) to her husband and brothers-in-law.

But it is also a giant learning curve. It took me about a year to realise that if dad had a healthcare appointment (and he has a LOT because he has multiple chronic conditions now) I needed to rearrange everything to be there. And I’m lucky to be able to be that flexible - lots of people can’t.

I agree, I went through this for my mother, I would not have done it for MIL (who also had dementia), I left that up to to OH and SIL.

When you first deal with dementia you are in the dark and don't know how to get results. My mother allowed my OH to go into appointments with her as OH is 'medical' so could explain things to her. We still had the problem of appointments arriving in the post and not being acted on (she lived alone) so after the first failure the memory clinic and GP began contacting me too.

But my mother had to give permission for that, and obviously if your relative is obstreperous and refuses offers of help, you are stuck.

He can't force his way in. She has to agree to it.

All he had to do was say to her "The doctor has asked me to come in with you Mum, and then we'll have a cuppa afterwards" or something. Not ask her if she wants him to come in - just present it as it's happening, but it's not a major thing.

Doesn't sound like he even tried, or OP would have said on here. Like other PPs, I attended every medical appt with my relations who had dementia, they never argued with me as I framed it like I was helping the Dr, not them.

Ideally OP's DH will arrange another appt, frame it as "The Dr wants to see you again mum, he forgot to ask you something, and he wants me to come in to make sure he covers everything" or similar, and then actually go in the appt with her.

Could you ask for a family meeting with your brother in laws and their partners too where you can all discuss what is happening and see if you're all on the same page?

Honestly it's so stressful OP.
The driving thing is such a huge thing for so many old people and losing all their independence.
It's not like you can just go in and treat them like a child. She still has legal capacity and as you say, she has 5 sons who need to do more

A family meeting, or Facetime, or whatever, sounds like a very good idea. In my experience men, especially, like to pretend medical things just aren't happening.

And they probably haven't considered deeply the dangers of their DM continuing to drive. It's all a bit difficult, so they probably prefer not to think about it.

That sounds mean, but it is so often the case. It certainly has been the case in my family. It wasn't until the women started paying attention that things got done and diagnoses were made.

The OP hasn't said so you don't know. You are only guessing and assuming the worst. She might be like my mum. It was 2 years before she would accept anyone coming into an appointment with her and could get very aggressive and angry about it in front of the whole waiting room which is counterproductive.