How to get parent to accept help

[Gingercatlover]

MIL is 90 and clearly has Dementia, but will not see a doctor, her memory has been declining for five years now and seems to have got worse since Christmas.

Usual things, losing keys, etc, getting lost in the village she has lived in for fifty years, not recognising relatives she hasn’t seen for a while, can’t remember much short term.

I have offered to organise a cleaner etc as she keeps saying she isn’t getting it done, but again will not entertain this idea.

Driving is another major issue, not renewing car insurance on time etc.

she will not listen to any advice despite saying every time we see her she is losing her memory. Financially she is well off but again no POA in place and will not have this either.

Feels like we are just waiting for a disaster to happen but without forcing these things how do you make them see?

Thanks for reading.

Just get a cleaner? Maybe the OP can’t afford to fund a cleaner. And finding a cleaner is not always easy.

As I understand it people have their license revoked one they get a dementia diagnosis. You need to inform DVLA if she won't get formally diagnosed. please don't wait for an accident to happen.
If she's needing extra help and has care needs, help her to apply for Attendance Allowance then tell her the money is a benefit to be used for things to make her life easier ( which it is ).

Yes I have informed DVLA and contacted GP to make them aware, they will be seeing her on Monday.

It will then be on her records and when the DVLA contact the surgery they will give their professional opinion on whether they think she is fit enough to drive or not.

@Penelope23145 Also sorry forgot to mention, can she apply for attendance allowance before an official diagnosis.

She doesn’t need it to pay for help as she is financially secure but very frugal and I can’t work out why she will not let me organise a cleaner? She has a gardener.

Also will not get a mobile phone, or sort POA it is so very frustrating.

Are you or your DH able to go to the GP with her? She will just tell the GP everything's fine. There might be a cognitive test, but that is not conclusive. And the GP will prob send her for a Memory Clinic appt and/or a brain scan.

I have offered to sort it several times, the latest being only two weeks ago, her response was in “two years” this is despite saying every week we see her that she isn’t doing any cleaning, I think she can’t remember to do it tbh.

I can’t just organise it and let someone turn up.

No because I’m not supposed to know about it.

I rang them and told them of my concerns yesterday afternoon and to their credit they contacted her and booked her in on Monday and then rang and told me.

Ah! Cunning. And good of the surgery to do that. Let's hope she actually goes. How will she remember?

Also, how is she going to get to the appointment, if she does go?

Well she usually writes things on a calendar or she will forget, so I’m crossing my fingers she has done that, if she doesn’t turn up, I would think (hope) they will chase her.

How about you ring her up on Monday morning, ask her what she's up to that day. See if she remembers. If she doesn't, say "Aren't you going to the GP today Mum? I think you mentioned it?".

I've been through all this, twice. You can never assume they wwill go to an appt without being (literally) handheld.

I have no advice except to say that sadly it will likely get worse and something will happen illness, accident to take the decision from her.
My mum did accept her Alzheimers diagnosis eventually. I sat with her when she did the test and it was heartbreaking to see she couldn't even draw a rectangle, and kept looking to me for the answers. I felt awful for not helping her.
She was put on Aricept to slow down progress of the disease which it did, for a while. So a few months later, still at home and forgetting to take her meds, she fell and ended up in hospital. Once there it was clear she couldn't be discharged back to her own home and went into residential care (a "convalescent home", we said...)
She no longer drove so that was a blessing. She had also signed a POA. A neighbour witnessed and as she signed she said she had no idea what she was doing! (We had told her and she agreed - I was already doing her banking because she was forgetting everything...As we found out when they came to cut off the electricity. )
Luckily neighbour was a good sort, having gone through it with a parent himself.
In the end, DM was much happier and more relaxed in the home. She was cared for.

Thank you for sharing, I feel I can’t do much more at the minute, feel like a bystander in it all.

Ah yes that’s a good idea. 👍🏻

How is she getting to the appt?

Well OH is going to visit shortly and mention it hoping she doesn’t remember it was only booked yesterday and say what you suggested, then offer to take her as luckily he’s not in work until later on Monday.

That's great. So he can make sure she actually gets there, and she won't be driving.

It would also be far more effective if he is in the appt with her.

If your OH does manage to get into the appointment with her he should try and sit where he can nod/shake his head/mouth suitable responses to the GP without MIL being aware. So when MIL says she dies something she doesn't he can signal to the GP or to intervene with suitable questions to MIL. There is a tendency to say I don't smoke/drink/take plenty of exercise/always cook complex meals from scratch or whatever they think is the appropriate answer that will make the GP/care requirements go away.

How did the GP appt go, OP? Did your MIL attend? Has she agreed to stop driving?

You're in the hardest bit right now, where you begin to realise what she can't/must not do, and she doesn't understand that and wants to continue to do everything.

Husband took her, but didn’t go in.
she had a memory test and passed it, so apparently nothing wrong with her?

Did she tell you she passed it?

We took my mums car keys off her when she went like this. No way I was having her driving on my conscience, she was a danger to herself and others. She was angry, but only for a short time (she forgot about it as it wasn’t on her drive) - it was the right thing to do. Doctors often seem to bottle the discussion and frankly they are not there day-to-day seeing someone forget how to drive while actually behind the wheel! A memory test doesn’t cut it. Your OH needs to step up here op.

Ok, book her an opticians appointment. My mum managed to avoid her GP for nearly a year. Optician spotted the problem straight away, wrote to the GP and the DVLA and DVLA revoked her licence.

The memory test at the GP is pretty basic and my impression is that cognitive decline has to be quite advanced to get a low score. I suggest ringing the Admiral to have a confidential discussion with an experienced mental health nurse about what to do next.
Really she needs someone with her when she sees a medical professional because she won't necessarily take in or remember what they said.

Why didn't he go in? Honestly, you two are evading the issue here.

YOU HAVE TO STOP HER DRIVING