How to get parent to accept help

[Gingercatlover]

MIL is 90 and clearly has Dementia, but will not see a doctor, her memory has been declining for five years now and seems to have got worse since Christmas.

Usual things, losing keys, etc, getting lost in the village she has lived in for fifty years, not recognising relatives she hasn’t seen for a while, can’t remember much short term.

I have offered to organise a cleaner etc as she keeps saying she isn’t getting it done, but again will not entertain this idea.

Driving is another major issue, not renewing car insurance on time etc.

she will not listen to any advice despite saying every time we see her she is losing her memory. Financially she is well off but again no POA in place and will not have this either.

Feels like we are just waiting for a disaster to happen but without forcing these things how do you make them see?

Thanks for reading.

You could try writing to her GP, explaining exactly what you have said here, and ask them to see her. Say that you are concerned for her safety, but stress that any advice they give her will be forgotten. Say that you are ready to step in and support, if they can persuade her to give them her permission.

I have been there, with my aunt. She refused all help until one day, she suddenly caved, and fortunately still had time to sign the POA papers. She was fabulously stubborn and it had to be in her own time. Everytime we pushed, she backed off. We were visiting on her 90th birthday, and arrived a bit late to find that the deliveries of flowers and gifts had just sent her into a complete panic. She uttered the words "I just can't cope anymore. Help!' and we were able to start helping.

Sadly, you do need to play the long game. Their independence is what keeps them going so well, but also then becomes a stumbling block. Something to do with that generation.

Hth

I really hope I’ve misunderstood this - are you saying she is still driving!
Regarding the rest, just get a cleaner and introduce them as a friend who had come to help her out.
Get a gps Carelink for when she gets lost.
Get her into a structured day that she is familiar with. Wash, dress, breakfast etc. Routine can be really helpful
Try again for a gp appointment , maybe for a ‘check up’ or at the doctors request?
If she is driving then removing the car keys asap is priority for everyone’s safety!

I wrote to the dvla when my mum had dementia and told them she was no longer safe to drive. They wrote to her revoking her licence. So that was the end game there. Car keys were removed that day. And yes. Write to her GP

Also I’d get moving on the POA as she needs to still be deemed to have mental capacity to sign one. Good luck.

We fortunately had a good relationship with the GP practice and my sister had an appointment with the GP who rang up and persuaded mum to go in, told her she couldn’t drive anymore (I don’t think all GPs do that) and set up appointments at the memory clinic. Good luck. Also get POA and EPOA sorted while you can.

You need to stop her driving, immediately. Today.

Lie to her, tell her there's something wrong with the car, whatever. Get it away from her, while you sort out the DVLA/GP admin.

You will never forgive yourself if she kills someone.

If she's anything like my relation who we had to stop driving, she won't pay any attention to DVLA, or her GP, or you, telling her not to. You need to get that car away from her.

She will not entertain the idea we have had the discussion several times.

I have mentioned the capacity thing to my husband but she won’t budge.

How are you planning to stop her driving, OP? Today?

Hiding her car keys would be a good start, but is not a longterm strategy.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cx252v6l60lo

Yes it’s frightening. I’m going to contact DVLA this afternoon.

That is good, but takes time. You need to get that car away from her today.

I’m going to contact DVLA right now.

Sorry cross posted. I don’t know tbh, she’s not driving at the minute due to the snow. So gives me some time.

Yes unfortunately!

That's good. But DVLA takes time, and your MIL may not pay any attention.

You need a plan.

Agree the driving issue needs to be addressed immediately. Hiding the keys may just make her very anxious thinking they have been lost or stollen. With our elderly neighbour after discussion with the police we disconnected the battery and said all the mechanics were busy but someone would come out soon and very very quickly stopped thinking about the car and it stopped being an issue.

Have you contacted the Alzheimer’s society? Their advisors can offer really good practical advice.

Actually you don’t have any time ! She may get in the car and try to drive on icy conditions.
Do not wait for the DVLA to reply- they will need proof she is incapable, GP letter probably.
Remove her keys from the house now .
As everyone else has said, she could easily kill somebody at any time.

Agreed. Tell her she can't drive it until you've changed it to snow tyres.

Just get those keys away from her!

That's good too. Disconnect something, then even if she has a hidden spare set of car keys, she can't drive.

Your DH should do this today!

My mum was killed by a pensioner at the wheel. He killed a younger woman too, a nurse. He couldn’t remember a thing about it.

OP, I don't understand why your DH hasn't stepped up here? She's his mum, what's he doing about the situation?

I can't believe it's got this far without him (and I'm afraid you, because you're aware of the situation with his mother) stopping her driving.

Try moving the car somewhere she can’t see it - a neighbouring street or something. Then tell her it’s in the garage for some emergency work. Her sense of time is probably a bit shaky - you might be able to get away with keeping it there until her license is revoked.

The route for getting my dad’s licence revoked went GP—> memory clinic—> cognitive test—> almost immediate revocation by the DVLA (he’d performed poorly on the bit of the test that correlated with spatial awareness). Then he kind of accepted it (aided by me taking his car to my house so that ‘my mechanic could have a look at that warning light’ - eventually we could get rid of it!) So getting the GP appointment is the first step. You could even ask for a referral to the memory clinic without actually seeing the GP, if getting a GP appointment takes a while. Or, if you have spare cash, you might be able to get the cognitive test done privately. The important thing is that the psychiatrist shares the results with the DVLA (if the results indicate that she shouldn’t be driving).

On the larger question of getting her to accept help: it’s a bugger, and really difficult, and I don’t yet know the answer!

As your MIL isn't diagnosed, the best DVLA can do it write to her GP IIRC.

Has your DH stopped her from driving yet, OP? Taken her car keys away, disabled the car, or moved it?

As a PP said, there is no time to lose. Tomorrow could be the day she kills a toddler.

I have contacted her GP they have called her in on Monday, also reported to DVLA.

Thats all I’m doing for now, will see what happens next week.

I’m not taking her car or keys at the moment, I will await the outcome of Monday as I will see her on Wednesday.