Keeping parents in own house

[sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway]

Mum mixed Vascular Dementia, only diagnosed 6 months ago, dad possible memory problems, he is mid 80's. They live in a big house and a family member wants sell the house to move them to something smaller and more manageable. But they want to move them from a village which they have always lived in, to a town.

I don't agree. I think this will knock mum back, a move is stressful as it is, never mind with someone with this disease. Mum is much better when she is in the house than when she is out anywhere.

Has anyone done this? I feel if we get the right help in and have security and panic alarms etc fitted, we will be able to keep them in their home until it reaches the point that they need to go into care home. I am not in denial and have researched the shit out of what is coming, family member says they are running out of time and they have to act now but she's moving at 180mph and she is the kinds of person that takes charge because her way is always right. I want to fight this.

LPOA is supposed to be me but waiting to see if can get capacity assessment from GP otherwise I am going to have to go through court.

Any feedback would be appreciated - whether that be about keeping them in the same house, moving them or any recommendations for safeguarding you have put in place to keep them in their home safe.

I do go round every other day and other family member goes twice a week. We sit and have good conversations, mum does repeat herself, is showing signs of dementia but can hold a conversation, go shopping with dad, make lunch, etc. No incontinence, has full mobility. Changing her outfits can be a challenge as can getting her to have her hair washed.

I think once dementia has set in its too late to move house. Next move would be to a care home.

Sorry but your dad must understand if they move now, her dementia will get much worse more quickly she needs to stay in surroundings she knows before eventually going into a care home. Keep her where shes happy and she knows where she is.

Thank you, this is what I was thinking and what I had researched. Dad wants to sell one minute doesn't want to sell the next minute but it's this family member who is pushing it and its her that keeps raising it with dad because it's what she thinks is best.

It's too late to move your mum. Hang on in there with eXtra help and look for a good care home when it stops working.

Agree with all the other posters. This isn't the time to move at her age and with dementia. Next move should be a care home when needed. Flex your LPA if needed. You can also get capacity assessments done privately if nhs wait is too long.

Yep, it's too late to move now. My in-laws moved a couple of times after Mil clearly had dementia and it was pretty catastrophic. Really pretty bad.

Talk to any professional about this and they will say the move goes sort of ok but then there's a massive down-step in cognition a few weeks/months later.

We didn't know this when the moves were proposed but I should have listened to my sibling, who mentioned it might be an issue.

Family member is likely to be in denial about the likely progress of the dementia. People can sometimes fixate on magic solutions that sound as if they ought to be right without engaging with the real needs and capacities of the person with dementia, particularly if they are (like your relative sounds to be) convinced of their own opinion.

You and PPs are definitely right to think that staying in a familiar place will help for now - but you all need to be thinking about the next step and finding the right care for when your mum can't manage as she is any more.

When my own relative with dementia was at a similar stage and we'd begun to research care homes, one of the most useful conversations we had was with a very frank manager who spelled out in detail that while all patients are different, there were things we needed to understand about what dementia patients could and couldn't manage, what needed to be put in place to ensure they could be at ease, and what was going to be different in the way they could engage with the world and what they needed. It was a really useful wake-up call - I wonder if there's any medical or caring professional who could have that kind of frank discussion with your bossy relative, as she sounds unlikely to back off without some intervention?

Basically introduce a cleaner, carer as needed if DP agrees.

Assessment is via the local memory clinic or in our case, the CMHT as relative refused to be assessed.

They were great actually and also Social Services were involved after a fall, the referral was via the paramedics but you can involve them yourself. They will do a best interests assessment too, if you're really struggling with, I'm going to assume sister here, insisting it's best to move. Might be more diplomatic coming from a 3rd party.

We have a single point of contact for help here but it will vary.

The Admiral nurse also came out a couple of times. There's lots of support in the community, well, there is here but we're in an area with a massive elderly population. Fil now goes to a support group, much to our amazement.

Agree with PP - keep them in their own home - its too late to move them. Also start researching care homes and put their name down sooner rather than later. It can take months to actually get a place in one. Good luck-its a rocky road.

I can't give a definitive answer, but a few considerations.
How much money do they have?
I ask bc that is what gives you the ability to chose when to move them to care, rather than have social services decide for you.
Also, it won't be about security alarms, it will soon be them calling 10 times a day asking for help with the TV remote/ curtains/ boiler. Eating mouldy food. Getting lost. Falling over. How will you be placed to deal with that, where is best for them to live when that starts?
And what do your DP want?
My advice is very strongly not to fall out with family members, you are going to need all the help you can get.

Yes to staying in their own home with carers in mind for the future. The main thing that would worry me is the oven/hob. My relative had the firefighters out three times as he’d left the electric hob on then put shopping or similar on it. He was lucky there was only damage to the kitchen each time.
Does your dad look out for your mum? Can he mitigate potential hazards or accidents that might be caused by her dementia? As someone said, the next stage would be a care home not another move, the unfamiliarity would be disastrous. Having said that I would be investigating local homes for the future, not all accept residents with dementia, some have bells and whistles but you want the nurturing, caring side more which isn’t always apparent on paper.

But they want to move them from a village which they have always lived in, to a town.

Dont ever underestimate the benefits of nosy neighbours and a long shared history either.

In a smaller community most people will make room for DM being slow /odd and will be willing to make small talk etc with shared memories when she or DF is out and about. As their world shrinks things like OAP days out can be a life line for DF to keep in contact with the community.

The community will know her face and if she were to end up lost or confused or "outside" her normal pattern its more likely to be spotted.

Unless there is a strong financial need to release cash the best thing to do is to keep the person in their own home for as long as possible.

I would ask the GP to link you sibling and DF into the dementia organisations to have a frank discussion on how the dementia will progress and how its best managed at home with carers and why and when a carehome is the best option.

What would change in the new house is the sibling going to be more involved on a daily basis?
What advantages are being proposed which would make up the cost of selling and moving?

One thing to remember is that DM & DF will not be safe to drive themseves anywhere so from now on food shopping, appointments etc will need to be managed on the basis of public transport (bus/taxi) or family/friends.

Thanks for responses. They have money, a lot of money, so can pay for care and eventually home. They use a george foreman grill and have an AGA which is on all the time. Mum does lunches, dad does evening meals, normally a pasta and sauce or pizza, they get ready meals in, they have cereal in and fresh fruit and go shopping once a week, I check what they have in and take over fresh milk. I check the fridge each time I go over for food going OOD. I have a tracker on dads phone.

The change of house being pushed by family member is because it is big and she wants them closer to her/us (I am literally 8 mins away), and so they can walk out and get to local shops and cafes.

There is a small village shop they can walk to from where they are now and a pub, and a 10 minute walk down the road there's a few little local bigger named stores (I don't want to name as outing but they are food stores)

Also, family member takes them out to places they don't know and wonders why they get confused and don't know what to order.

DP said do what I have to do, it's my mum.

Some people really do not understand dementia. It's not just a memory loss thing, it's a processing & executive control disorder.

You can't control how people are tho, so it can get difficult. Take all of the support going.

Keep the big house & if they have lots of money, live in carers are maybe an option. Even if just for respite.

This is really sensible.

@sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway 'so they can walk out and get to local shops and cafes.' - this is exactly the kind of reasoning that comes from not really engaging with what dementia is really like. They are thinking 'if it was me having the kind of difficulties that I can imagine for myself, this is what would be helpful to me'. They are not able to put themselves in the place of someone for whom that would not be beneficial because they won't be able to cope with new shops, won't enjoy cafes, and would be better helped by being able to maintain familiar connections with a house, environment, and even shop that they know well.

Keep them in place. Support where you can. Be kind to yourself. It’s a hard road x

Encourage them to go to the pub daily for lunch, a new habit but it means they are visible and well fed. Your relative needs to button up.

Can you find some information to show family member. Perhaps a dementia charity website or something? It definitely will make your Mum go downhill rapidly if they move. And she will end up in a care home sooner.

so they can walk out and get to local shops and cafes.

Family member needs to speak to a "professional" (anyone who is not you) who can explain that DM is going to be less mobile and less able to go out as time goes by and DF will (as the main caregiver) also become more housebound as DM will need supervision.

It's defo all about routine and comfort, not trying new stuff in the hope it will stave memory loss.

Please don’t let them buy a property in any assisted living complex.. it will not meet their long term needs and will take forever to sell . Better to pay for care in their own home and move to care home when time is right

I had a capacity assessment done by a company. Loads online and all seemed good

Traumatic events and big changes can really set a person back in their dementia, I mean actually make it worse. I would keep your parents with their familiar environment, neighbours , doctor, corner shop etc. My mum went through a long phase of wandering off/escaping and being found by neighbours. As dementia progresses your DM will need more support than one elderly carer can provide and you will start needing to engage carers/respite care.

I really recommend the Alzheimer's Society forum for lots of frank experience and support. There is a big learning curve.