Keeping parents in own house

[sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway]

Mum mixed Vascular Dementia, only diagnosed 6 months ago, dad possible memory problems, he is mid 80's. They live in a big house and a family member wants sell the house to move them to something smaller and more manageable. But they want to move them from a village which they have always lived in, to a town.

I don't agree. I think this will knock mum back, a move is stressful as it is, never mind with someone with this disease. Mum is much better when she is in the house than when she is out anywhere.

Has anyone done this? I feel if we get the right help in and have security and panic alarms etc fitted, we will be able to keep them in their home until it reaches the point that they need to go into care home. I am not in denial and have researched the shit out of what is coming, family member says they are running out of time and they have to act now but she's moving at 180mph and she is the kinds of person that takes charge because her way is always right. I want to fight this.

LPOA is supposed to be me but waiting to see if can get capacity assessment from GP otherwise I am going to have to go through court.

Any feedback would be appreciated - whether that be about keeping them in the same house, moving them or any recommendations for safeguarding you have put in place to keep them in their home safe.

I do go round every other day and other family member goes twice a week. We sit and have good conversations, mum does repeat herself, is showing signs of dementia but can hold a conversation, go shopping with dad, make lunch, etc. No incontinence, has full mobility. Changing her outfits can be a challenge as can getting her to have her hair washed.

I 100% agree. My mum had a vascular dementia diagnosis earlier this year. SIL started banging on about care homes (we are both attorneys under LPA). Mum is a million miles away from needing a home
She had domiciliary care after a hospital discharge and they rang me to say there was no role for them as she was getting self up, washed dresses etc.
So for now, it's wait and see. She has a clearer and a few hours private social support.

They live in a big house and a family member wants sell the house to move them

O.k. Are they hands on with caring for them, or leaving it all to you?

I would be asking your parents what provisions they have made for themselves = may be none.

Do they have a will? Have communicated stuff to you about end of life? It comes to all of us, so no point in denying it.

Don't let this family member railroad you, hopefully they are helpful.

Having a live in carer worked well for my parents and cheaper than care homes x 2. She was a local lady and i started her off an hour a day as they got used to her, and then increased her hours rapidly. They loved her.

I covered the carers days off and then employed carers 2 hours a day, to cover her daytime break. That was the most difficult part, as they didn't like the daytime carers, but needs must . . .

Hth

you say you have LOPA. Have you registered this with the office of Public Guardian ?if not if won’t be recognised. It only becomes effective if an assessment ( by Dr or social worker ) demonstrates they don’t have capacity to make decisions around their care and accommodation ( health and welfare LPA) . As LOPA you act In their best interests , which you feel is for them to stay in their own home. Perhaps your family member doesn’t understand the legal situation, nor the effect of a unwise move on dementia.

capacity

What is your plan once it becomes a safeguarding issue? Before any big decisions are made you need to consider this.

I agree with this. Too late to downsize

It can cost 20k to move then more to get the new house right for them
spend that money buying in help

@Justmadesourkrauthow much did this cost you please?

Hopping on to advise that family of people with dementia (PWD) looking to research a care home for their PWD make sure that the home offers a nursing service as well as care. If they do not, they will boot out your PWD once they develop nursing needs, and as explained on the thread already, moving the PWD can have catastrophic effects on accelerating cognitive decline.

It is a cruel and awful disease.

Agree with all the PPs. Don't move them. I think my Mum is maybe a bit further down the track with the dementia than your mum (diagnosed in 2021) but my Dad will not tolerate carers, or to be honest, any intervention other from me or my brother. I have talked to him a few times about care homes but Dad won't have it and says they are fine and any move would be catastrophic (I agree with him here). Mum is completely lost now mentally, she is worried about everything / sometimes terrified, repeats the same thing over and over, and has very little recall. She can do little for herself. She still recognises us (definitely), and our children / grandchildren (less sure of this, but she immediately comes round to them being acceptable). At her best, she can enjoy a joke and you can have a sort of conversation about "the old days" or something else benign (the weather) Dad is 83 himself and although he is looking after her OK, and I go round every day or every other day if all is fine, or if my brother has been. We are coping with a bit of incontinence, and I suspect her desire to keep clean is not at it's best point, but equally not terrible. Moving out of the house is quite difficult for her. For ages, my Dad did not really acknowledge how bad it all was, but he knows now. And yes, she has gone downhill since 2021, but not radically. Any change in environment is pretty bad for her, especially if she knows it is going to happen. Dad has sometimes talked about getting another place, but deep down he knows it is beyond them both at this stage. You may have better luck in getting more "in-house" help (i.e. not a resistant Dad) but this is the answer, not to move them. I doubt any professional would tell you different. Wishing you the best, it's a hard jig xxx

I think this is good advice. When we were looking at Care Homes for DMIL I put forward the benefits of choosing a Care Home that also offered Nursing Care.

We were very limited in our choices though, partly as the state were paying and partly because we went into lockdown almost as soon as she was admitted to Hospital making the choice of Care Home very limited.

As it was the Care the home provided was very good and DMIL didn’t end up needing the Nursing Care anyway as she died of something else before her Dementia progressed that far.

Surely your parents should pay for help in the home - maybe every other day? Making beds, meal prep, washing, household chores and some personal care. More help with personal care can be paid for separately. Get a gardener. Talk to them and stress how important this is in order to stay living at home.

Home probably is best until they cannot manage. Plus LPA does not give unilateral power to uproot someone. Finance LPA is managing their financial affairs with their consent and health LPA is where the attorney makes decisions if they are incapacitated. At the moment they are not and can make their own decisions. If the decision isn’t what you like, I’m afraid you cannot override it unless they don’t have the capacity to make it. Your LPA would need to be properly registered for both finance and health to come into effect.

Care homes with nursing care for dementia are more expensive. They will be paying so acquaint yourself of the fee structures. Many people move happily to bungalows but it might not be a good idea here. Do they have views on downsizing to somewhere on one level? You will find staying in a large house to be a massive struggle and you have to consider safety. Is it set up for ground floor living? However staying or moving is their decision and relative cannot tell them what to do. They have to make their own decisions but should take guidance on board.

Forget panic bottons! Dm always forgot to use hers. They forget they have the call system in place.

Have messaged you