Coping with phone calls through the night

[LiteralNightmare]

If I don't answer it's worse because they'll come looking for me and wake everyone else up too.

I'm so tired, I'm not thinking straight. I've had three phone calls since midnight and 4am and it feels pointless bothering to try to get more sleep. The phone calls are about her bank accounts or hunger. I've left a basket of snacks available which has helped but the constant checking of bank accounts is driving me insane. She can no longer figure out her online banking. If I say I'll check in the morning she says ok, then rings me again in half an hour.

The GP gave her quetiapine (which worked brilliantly) but she won't take it now. I can't put it in with her regular meds because it's a half tablet and she spots it.

Even if she was in a care home it wouldn't stop the phone calls. I wish I could give someone else, just for about 5 hours, then I could cope.

I don't know why I'm writing, no one can help, I know! Cathartic I guess. I do actually feel a bit better now. Good luck, fellow travelers. ✊

• give someone else THE PHONE

Tiredness lads.

Have you tried putting a lengthy voicemail message on your phone that directly addresses her?
EG: “Hi mum I’m just in the bath at the moment but as soon as I get a minute I’ll call you back”. That way, her call to you gets answered, she hears your voice and she can call back as often as she wants. Also, put the phone on silent.

If she was in a care home, the nurses could take away her phone at night.

Are you sure she’s safe at home?

Actually they probably wouldn't - it's her personal possession.

But the OP could not answer and be safe in the knowledge that she wasn't going to turn up at her house or come to harm some otherway.

OP has she got any support at home, do you have older adults mental health services involved around the medication issue if the quetiapine was helping? Are there any other risks around her being at home at the moment or is she otherwise OK apart from keeping you awake at night?

Do you have either LPOA?

the constant checking of bank accounts is driving me insane

I hope you have POA. If not, is she still lucid enough to grant you this? Things could get messy otherwise.

As for the phone calls, what happens if you put your phone on silent or switch it off at night?

I know it’s her personal possession, but what if OP’s mum wanted to play a trumpet all night and woke everyone up? They’d take that away from her.

You need to prioritise here. You are doing great work taking care of her but you will completely burn out if you don’t learn your limits.

She is not of sound mind but you are. There is no need to take these phone calls during the night put on do not disturb on your phone and then she will not get a ring tone to you. She cannot provide the solution to this situation so it has to come from you. If she phones an ambulance or emergency services they can contact you directly if there is a need in the middle of the night.

You sound exhausted you need to take of yourself to care for her.

Yes because it would be disturbing other people in the care home that they have responsibility to care for - removing the trumpet during the night could be managed within the home's own 'behaviour policy' regarding behaviour towards others in the home. They would probably still have to show that they were making allowances for trumpet playing at place/time where it wouldn't disturb others in the vicinity.

Depending on mental capacity there may be a discussion around the liberty to play a trumpet vs the trumpet playing putting their placement at risk, and the trumpet could be removed as a best interests decision to prevent them being asked to leave.

The home wouldn't have the right to take the phone because it was being used to disturb someone else outside the home if it's not putting the person's placement in the home in jeopardy or causing a risk to the person themselves. The risk in the phone scenario is to the OPs wellbeing not her mum's or other care home residents so it wouldn't be for the home to manage the risk (although most would still try to distract/support with this if they could)

If she was in a care home, they could ensure she takes the quetiapine and so solve the problem.

I had this with my DM, even not getting a call would leave me dozing waiting for the call, so totally get it. I don't really have an answer but it was a time when my life felt that it was spiralling out of control trying to deal with the myriad of bizarre behaviour from my normally independent parent. I was too tired, too close and too naive to link her behaviour to the fact that there were big changes happening to her mental health. Write down all the different behaviour, my DM had lost any sense of time, day, night blended it to one, could not differentiate lengths of time ie. 5 minutes could have been 5 hours. She could not 'see' any prompts, time on the clock,view through the window, etc. She had no empathy and was unable to understand my anger, anxiety and fear. I was lucky that following an assessment from the memory clinic something wrong was flagged. It was one of the worst times of my life as I was not looking for the reason behind the behaviour, I was just looking at the behaviour.

Good luck

You say if you don’t answer they’ll come looking for you. If they don’t live with you, then honestly, this sounds dangerous to me, someone with dementia leaving the house in the middle of the night. How will they get to you?

If this is the case then as awful as it sounds it may be that a home is going to be the best place for her going forward.

Does your mum have carers in place who can give the medication? If she’s refusing medication then you need to flag to her doctors. Does she have a dementia diagnosis? If not, go through doctors, she will get carers and a social worker and they can help you work out if home care is best or a care home. You cannot tire yourself out like this or you can’t care for yourself let alone anyone else. By bringing in outside help you are doing the right thing for all of you. I have done this with my aunty and she is safer and we’re all happier. You need to take over financial things, get a power of attorney if you don’t already, and if possible remove banking app from her phone and have it on yours. Anything that she is hyper focused on, find a work around so she doesn’t feel stressed. If she’s starting with dementia or it is getting worse, she’ll be feeling very strange and scared, she needs things in place to help. We have a diary that I leave notes in for her of what is happening in the week, my visits, carers, etc., and you can make notes like ‘don’t worry about your bank account, we have checked and all is correct.’ You do not need to cope with this 24/7. Definitely put your phone on silent overnight. Best wishes

This must be so difficult for you, sorry your going through it. I think you need to consider putting some alternative care in place. Her being in a care home may not stop the phone calls but it would allow you to switch your phone off safe in the knowledge that she was being looked after and in no immediate danger to herself or anyone else. It would buy you peace of mind. They would also be able to make sure she takes her meds. It’s an awful position to be in but her condition is only likely to deteriorate, try and put something in place for her so that you don’t loose too much of yourself along the way. X

Sympathies. Prior to being admitted to a care home my elderly parent called my sibling and I 80 times in a 4 hour period.

Approximately 10 calls (landline as they couldn’t use a mobile) over 2 hours had become the norm.

Could you break some/all of the other pills in half so the one that helps isn’t so noticeable?
I hope you get some sleep, it’s torture being sleep deprived.

I think she may need extra support and care

Care home could remove her phone or be there through the night to answer her questions or needs around hunger

Really sorry your going through this it sounds awful

It sounds like she isn't safe at home anymore op.

Are there any other tablets you could cut in half?

if everything is presented to her all together would she notice the quetiapine?

They wouldn’t. I work in a care home and they don’t take peoples phones away

Sorry you’re going through this, big big hug. My Mum was like this, endless voice messages left with her shopping list, or pleas to go to her house as she could smell gas (left the oven on) toilet was overflowing (she’d put a toilet roll down it) carers couldn’t get in (she’d taken a screwdriver & took the front door handle off) calls from the police/random doctors/plumbers etc as she’d rung them ‘not wanting to bother me’. Mum did go into a care home eventually as she just wasn’t safe at home, they ‘couldn’t find her phone charger’ so that stopped the calls & obvs they were on hand to help her with her worries. Really feel for you 💕 the exhaustion along with the sadness too

They can’t force someone to take medication if the person has capacity to refuse. They can encourage but that’s it.

My dad is in a care home and doesn’t have a phone at all to stop constant phone calls.

I've been there OP - multiple calls from my mum during the night when
my husband used to get up at 5 am for work. I didn't like to switch my phone off in case someone else called about her in a real emergency. When she went into a home I rang to cancel her landline (luckily she couldn't use a mobile) and the advisor said 'oh there's no need to cancel, we can transfer it to her room in the home' - no chance mate, there were staff there to ring me if needed and we were looking forward to undisturbed sleep!

I know how draining it is and hope you find a solution.

It would be a mobile phone and the staff wouldn’t be able to take it away, the daughter could get her a PAYG phone and not put much credit on it 🫣

No they don’t do that, my father in law used to ring us all at night, asking to be picked up from random places, asking if we knew where the dog was etc. we had one person keep their phone on at night then the rest of us on voicemail. He’d leave messages all night but if he was really in trouble someone would be around to talk to him. It’s so hard and draining