Coping with phone calls through the night

[LiteralNightmare]

If I don't answer it's worse because they'll come looking for me and wake everyone else up too.

I'm so tired, I'm not thinking straight. I've had three phone calls since midnight and 4am and it feels pointless bothering to try to get more sleep. The phone calls are about her bank accounts or hunger. I've left a basket of snacks available which has helped but the constant checking of bank accounts is driving me insane. She can no longer figure out her online banking. If I say I'll check in the morning she says ok, then rings me again in half an hour.

The GP gave her quetiapine (which worked brilliantly) but she won't take it now. I can't put it in with her regular meds because it's a half tablet and she spots it.

Even if she was in a care home it wouldn't stop the phone calls. I wish I could give someone else, just for about 5 hours, then I could cope.

I don't know why I'm writing, no one can help, I know! Cathartic I guess. I do actually feel a bit better now. Good luck, fellow travelers. ✊

@CarterBeatsTheDevil that's awful - the guilt tripping. Your mother so clearly needed professional care in a residential setting, I am glad she finally got it. It really should not be that much of a struggle though.

I do really understand that there's no money and because of that decision-making gets very dysfunctional

Oh OP I feel for you, I was in a similar situation with my dad. It’s mentally and physically exhausting. Don’t know if this helps but I would try some social and pharmacological interventions:
social intervention:
Things such as voicemail like pp said
Strong, firm, NO.
POA - get this asap if you haven’t already
Medicine:
Melatonin or stronger sleep aids (dad was actually on diazepam which I put in his night meds in his pill pox)
Same with the dementia meds - switched them to night time so knocked him out (donezipil for him)
Worth asking the GP/ pharmacist to organise her weekly pill box to put the drowsy ones at night.
Also worth asking GP/ any other professional you are with for some respite advice

The only thing I would say is that care homes don't have magical ways of getting their residents to take meds. Mum's home was very clear from the start that they were not going to force any pills down her if she refused them, which she did. The view was that it would cause her so much distress and affect her trust so much that it wasn't worth it given her background state of very poor health and chronic disability, her age (mid 70s)and the fact that Alzheimers is ultimately terminal. I thought that was fair enough if hard to hear. For a while they were able to give her the meds concealed but she wasn't stupid and eventually just stopped eating and drinking. As she was struggling to maintain healthy food intake anyway the decision was taken to withdraw the meds. And actually she survived to 78 despite her background health being really very badly compromised due to longstanding disability. It's sad because I feel she could have lived much longer, possibly without developing dementia, if she had made better choices much earlier, but it was what it was.

I'm reading this thread and I feel a bit better about my situation now than I did an hour ago. DM is 85, got her diagnosis in March, but I had suspected things were bad for a couple of years before that. I now stay with her in her home each night, and go home each day to work. I find the weekends really difficult. She has carers in twice a day and I do all the cooking, shopping, washing, cleaning, etc. She is absolutely charming to all the carers, and they enjoy coming around. But our relationship has really deteriorated, as she is taking her anger and frustration out on me. I am due a week's respite in November which i am really looking forward to, in spite of feeling guilty about looking forward to it. But every day is a struggle to find something that she enjoys, or wants to do, and that to me is the most challenging thing.

I just kept reminding myself that if my mum was her normal self, she would still be difficult in many ways but she certainly would not have expected me or anyone to look after her in that state in her home.

Sadly the neighbours don’t have family. All are really lovely.

maybe you could ask the GP to increase the quetiapine to a full dose, like if she’s on 12.5mg currently an increase to 25mg isn’t much at all. And given the behavioural disturbance I’m sure they’d be receptive. or even ask the pharmacy if they gave her dose in a full tablet. Sometimes they split them because that’s what they have in stock

Same with my mums care home. They would not allow her a phone now with bad dementia she could be ringing police etc too

I feel same but my mum has been in care home a few months now, so hard to let go but she was becoming impossible to cope with. You need to think of yourself now. Your mum when she normal wouldn’t want to see you run yourself ragged. Think back to when she was your age and ask yourself would she have done what you’re doing now for her mum? If the answer is no then there’s your answer sadly.

I feel so desperate for you, OP and am wondering if you could get a liquid version of her medication? A wee dose in her cocoa?
Would your GP offer you something short term eg Zopiclone so you could get a few nights of sleep for yourself? Please remove her phone at night.

I am sorry to revive an old thread, I was just wondering how things progressed for you OP?
I am at the start of this journey with the night time phone calls. Your thread is really helpful in making me see what could be ahead
I hope you are getting some more sleep 💐

My mum used to do something similar. She now doesn´t have her mobile with her and we put our phones on silent at night. Then we also got a carer for nights.

DM went into a care home when her dementia meant that living at home was unsafe due to falls and wandering. She did take her mobile but we hid the charger so she couldn't use it once the battery died. Before that we had 3 years of being woken up every night by her calls - sleep deprivation is torture.

I’m afraid we simply unplugged my father’s phone and took it away. He never missed it. But I did visit every day for 8 years.