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Dementia and Alzheimer's

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Original poster

Alzheimer, dementia and the sister from hell

34 replies

sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway · 15/04/2025 08:24

Noticed mums decline over last few years, step dad more recent. They don't want to talk about it but I knew there were tests going on and they would tell me when they were ready. Mums side, family history of alzheimers.

Step sister (SS1), not spoken to in 7 years due to a family fall out - she is over bearing, spoilt, selfish, self opinionated and loud. Caused a big family fallout and a lot of people have not spoken since then, including her and my step dad (of 44 years - brought me up as his own).

SS1 recently back on the scene worming her way back in, she invited them for coffee, her husband did a job on their house, they tolerate her but that is about it.

Received a message from another step sister (SS2) saying they both wanted to speak to me, worried about dad and my mum had missed an app and for some reason the called SS1. Had not picked up medication - again, not sure how they have contacted SS1. The nurse who spoke to SS1 has said when step dad was with mum at appointment they noticed something and they referred him, he has dementia. Big long message how they are worried and had i not noticed - I go over every week, of course i have noticed. SS2 has regular contact with parents and goes over often - she said it has all happened so quick - it has not its has been over the last year with dad. Still not sure how SS1 has become so involved.

They started asking about the will, executor and attorney. I told them that I don't know what is in the will, im not interested, and that I have mentioned power of attorney to both parents several times but they would not entertain it. She told me they updated their will 7 years ago but did not send it to be signed? Again, not sure how she has got this information. She said they went last week to sort it - which is ringing alarm bells. (I don't know if they means just the 2 of them or them and her)

They ended the communication with......forgot, your mum has alzheimers and dementia, I got dad to send me over a copy of her hospital letter from a year ago.

Bit of a gut punch there I won't lie.

I don't know what to do with this. Obviously, I am going to go over and speak to them about this, but I feel like SS1 who always liked to try and run the show is going to take over and there is nothing I can do about it.

Has anyone been in this situation before?

For context, SS1 and I had a good relationship up until she did what she did 7 years ago, she caused the whole family to fall out, step dad took my side over hers, his other children did not like this, some home truths came out, they are all ungrateful and he basically cut contact with some of them.

OP posts:
Eeljel · 15/04/2025 08:32

It is very very sensible to start talking about these matters in early stages of dementia op

you are being naive and difficult
they are being sensible

Eeljel · 15/04/2025 08:33

Still not sure how SS1 has become so involved.

Irrelevant

she is involved now and that is what matters

3luckystars · 15/04/2025 08:34

You are being shafted. I think you know this but I’m not sure what you can do about it because she seems to be 10 steps ahead of you.

The only thing I can advise is to get a DEFINITE date of their diagnosis. Because anything signed after this date will be questionable.

Go to their medical appointments with them from now on if possible and get in the picture also.

I'm sorry about your parents x

Eeljel · 15/04/2025 08:35

It would seem people are moving on from whatever happened 7 years ago aside from you op

Vatsallfolks · 15/04/2025 08:40

I would be very unhappy at any ‘updates’ to Will made after a diagnosis of dementia. In fact I believe it may make it invalid.
If I were you I would crack on getting letters of administration. Look at the Office of the Public Guadian for advice upon how to do this as I believe it’s now too late to get power of attorney. Again due to the dementia diagnosis. However I would do this before your SS gets in there and has the legal right to run the show .

Original poster
sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway · 15/04/2025 08:41

@Eeljel 3 separate posts?

yes I know this, I have tried speaking to them, I obviously need to use a different approach. I am not being naive, or difficult - I have said I will meet with them

It's hard to move on from what she did, and I know she is now involved. She has a way of bamboozling you which is what I think she has done.

OP posts:
Eeljel · 15/04/2025 08:45

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Eeljel · 15/04/2025 08:46

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CaptainFuture · 15/04/2025 08:46

What did she 'do'? Must of been pretty extreme for her own dad to 'take your side' over his own daughter and other children.
Are you annoyed by her trying to 'run the show' because you think you should?

Original poster
sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway · 15/04/2025 08:47

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I get on fine with SS2

OP posts:
Eeljel · 15/04/2025 08:48

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Original poster
sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway · 15/04/2025 08:48

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Both parents are the priority in this scenario

OP posts:
Eeljel · 15/04/2025 08:48

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Original poster
sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway · 15/04/2025 08:49

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I don't know, I have not met with them yet

OP posts:
Eeljel · 15/04/2025 08:49

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DrummingMousWife · 15/04/2025 08:49

I’m sorry you are going through this OP. Damaged families are hard to manage without the added health issues and complications. You need a letter stating the day they were deemed unwell, any will signed or written after this will not be valid.

Eeljel · 15/04/2025 08:50

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LindorDoubleChoc · 15/04/2025 08:54

What is your question OP?

Obviously, as your Mum and Step Dad get older, there will have to be more family involvement from your step sisters and you might need to communicate with them where you were happy not to before.

Are you trying to orchestrate what happens with the estate after they both die? Presumably they have wills now, that's the first thing to find out. And, separately, have another conversation with them about Power of Attorney.

catofglory · 15/04/2025 09:08

So both parents have dementia. It sounds as if the SS's noticed a problem and were proactive in uncovering the various letters and diagnoses. I don't think they can be criticised for that, they decided to ask the parents and got the answers. You call it 'trying to run the show' - but someone has to when parents have dementia.

You need a face to face conversation with your parents, and with your SS's. And someone needs to get POA for both of them if it is still possible - a diagnosis of dementia does not necessarily make it too late. If no one has POA, someone will have to apply to the Court of Protection for deputyships which will take many months and is far more onerous than POA.

Re the Will being done recently, again it depends how far advanced their dementia is. They still be considered to still have capacity.

Original poster
sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway · 15/04/2025 09:41

LindorDoubleChoc · 15/04/2025 08:54

What is your question OP?

Obviously, as your Mum and Step Dad get older, there will have to be more family involvement from your step sisters and you might need to communicate with them where you were happy not to before.

Are you trying to orchestrate what happens with the estate after they both die? Presumably they have wills now, that's the first thing to find out. And, separately, have another conversation with them about Power of Attorney.

It was power of attorney I am more concerned about, i'm not interested in what's in the will. I don't want her deciding what care they receive, I know they want to stay in their own house, we have discussed this previously. My mum has discussed with me previously, due to her family history of alzheimers, that if it came to it I would move back in. I've discussed with with DH before and we would leave our adult children in our house and we would move into theirs.

I just don't know where to start. I am going to go over tomorrow and have the conversation with them and ask them to tell me everything that has gone on that they have not told me. I just can't control my emotions at the best of times, they may not understand it coming from a blubbering wreck.

I will tell them they need to appoint a POA, whoever they wish, while they have a choice rather than one be appointed should their health deteriorate (i'm only wording it like that as I think he is in denial, I know my mum definitely is)

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 15/04/2025 09:49

Being blunt, two people with dementia staying in their own house until the very end is likely to be completely unrealistic.

Neither of them is 'in denial' - they have dementia which means they are happily oblivious to all the problems they are creating as the dementia prevents them from seeing what their needs are.

Asking them to 'tell you everything' is likely to be hopeless as they won't remember half of it.

Original poster
sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway · 15/04/2025 09:58

AnnaMagnani · 15/04/2025 09:49

Being blunt, two people with dementia staying in their own house until the very end is likely to be completely unrealistic.

Neither of them is 'in denial' - they have dementia which means they are happily oblivious to all the problems they are creating as the dementia prevents them from seeing what their needs are.

Asking them to 'tell you everything' is likely to be hopeless as they won't remember half of it.

Its very early stages with step dad, I go over every week and have very long conversations, he sometimes repeats himself now and again, no confusion, or he can't work his phone/computer.

Staying in their own house would be an option until I could not help them any more. They have a very large home which would then be sold to fund alternative care facilities.

He is in denial about mum, he has and still does say there is nothing wrong with her and the initial tests they did were wrong, that they got her on a bad day. He still thinks if they redo the tests she will get her drivers licence back.

OP posts:
lljkk · 15/04/2025 10:02

If it were me, with those priorities:

I'd ask for in person meeting with both StepSis.
I'd state my intention to move in to care for the joint parents, and happy to make that timing a joint decision between you 3.
I'd state that joint POA between you (both persons with POA must sign something off to make it effective, is that a thing?) & SS1 is probably way forward, you probably both view SS2 as a pushover.
That your priority is keeping them in their own home as long as possible.

I'm not following the will discussion unless OP thinks one parent could be turfed out of the home on death of first parent, via provisions in the will. May as well state that's your only interest in what the will says.

Original poster
sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway · 15/04/2025 10:12

lljkk · 15/04/2025 10:02

If it were me, with those priorities:

I'd ask for in person meeting with both StepSis.
I'd state my intention to move in to care for the joint parents, and happy to make that timing a joint decision between you 3.
I'd state that joint POA between you (both persons with POA must sign something off to make it effective, is that a thing?) & SS1 is probably way forward, you probably both view SS2 as a pushover.
That your priority is keeping them in their own home as long as possible.

I'm not following the will discussion unless OP thinks one parent could be turfed out of the home on death of first parent, via provisions in the will. May as well state that's your only interest in what the will says.

The will, as far as I am aware, states that all monies and assets go to the other person should the other pass. On the 2nd parents passing it will be distributed how they have requested - I do not know what that is and will not be asking. I feel I will need to ask who executor is now that SS1 has asked the question. I know it was my uncle as he was their financial advisor, but he now has a form of Alzheimer's too.

The POA I will have a look into that and see if you can do it with 2 people, it would make more sense if one of her children and one of his children can do it together.

SS2 has enough on her plate, but if i go into that it would be quite outing. That is also why I have not divulged information regarding the fall out.

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 15/04/2025 11:09

Thing is, your SS have the same relationship as you do - one parent, one step parent. You will need to find a way to work together with them.
Prioritise the POAs - two each for your mum and SD. Persuade them to get that set up and agreeing between you all who will take it on, it doesn't have to be the same person for all 4.
Then deal with any issues as and when they arise if you can.