Alzheimer, dementia and the sister from hell

[sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway]

Noticed mums decline over last few years, step dad more recent. They don't want to talk about it but I knew there were tests going on and they would tell me when they were ready. Mums side, family history of alzheimers.

Step sister (SS1), not spoken to in 7 years due to a family fall out - she is over bearing, spoilt, selfish, self opinionated and loud. Caused a big family fallout and a lot of people have not spoken since then, including her and my step dad (of 44 years - brought me up as his own).

SS1 recently back on the scene worming her way back in, she invited them for coffee, her husband did a job on their house, they tolerate her but that is about it.

Received a message from another step sister (SS2) saying they both wanted to speak to me, worried about dad and my mum had missed an app and for some reason the called SS1. Had not picked up medication - again, not sure how they have contacted SS1. The nurse who spoke to SS1 has said when step dad was with mum at appointment they noticed something and they referred him, he has dementia. Big long message how they are worried and had i not noticed - I go over every week, of course i have noticed. SS2 has regular contact with parents and goes over often - she said it has all happened so quick - it has not its has been over the last year with dad. Still not sure how SS1 has become so involved.

They started asking about the will, executor and attorney. I told them that I don't know what is in the will, im not interested, and that I have mentioned power of attorney to both parents several times but they would not entertain it. She told me they updated their will 7 years ago but did not send it to be signed? Again, not sure how she has got this information. She said they went last week to sort it - which is ringing alarm bells. (I don't know if they means just the 2 of them or them and her)

They ended the communication with......forgot, your mum has alzheimers and dementia, I got dad to send me over a copy of her hospital letter from a year ago.

Bit of a gut punch there I won't lie.

I don't know what to do with this. Obviously, I am going to go over and speak to them about this, but I feel like SS1 who always liked to try and run the show is going to take over and there is nothing I can do about it.

Has anyone been in this situation before?

For context, SS1 and I had a good relationship up until she did what she did 7 years ago, she caused the whole family to fall out, step dad took my side over hers, his other children did not like this, some home truths came out, they are all ungrateful and he basically cut contact with some of them.

I'm going to see them tomorrow, I only found out last night that she has had the diagnosis, i'm going to discuss the POA and I will move in when the time is right as we have discussed this in the past.

I have noticed a decline, she does repeat herself sometimes but holds a conversation no problem and is Lucid, sometimes she doesn't repeat herself at all and we go out shopping and doing stuff together, I only found out about diagnosis last night.

People often follow social cues very well for a long time.

I used to care for an elderly woman with dementia. When her family came to visit they thought she was 'lucid' as she could remember how to host, sit everyone down, make sure everyone had coffee and cake etc as these were big parts of her life that she could easily follow.

This meant when I pointed out I was struggling as I couldn't get her to have a wash, or understand that fixing the leaking plumbing would cost more than ' 2 and 6' they thought I was making it up and was a crap carer. After I left, she was in a care home within a fortnight as reality dawned on the family.

It's very typical for people with dementia to be able to follow a familiar interaction such as going to the shops but be hopeless at other things. I had a lovely chat about a TV programme with a patient with dementia yesterday. Unfortunately I then did his cognitive test and it was shockingly bad.

SS1 has emptied half the house, without my knowledge, a lot of it my stuff and my kids, won’t tell me where she donated it, she has never actually lived there whereas it was my home. Said I had years to take my stuff but never did so she did it for me cause obviously not important, if they had asked I would have collected, I’m devastated.

That’s not strictly true. If the person knows and understands what they are signing at the time of making a will or LPA then they are both valid, whether they have dementia or not.

When we have clients who have been diagnosed with dementia we usually obtain a medical report before proceeding, but they absolutely CAN make a will following a dementia diagnosis in some cases, especially in the early stages. This happens all the time.

Update, nothing has been done re POA and Will, I am taking them for a solicitors appointment next week, mum is still very capable to sign things and knows exactly what is going on. I am now in charge of mums meds, have spoken with her hospital, have obtained copies of all letters. Will be taking them both to the appointments every month. Still NC with SS. I have got lots of advice and joined some groups. I've taken her out to get some new clothes, shoes, toiletries, hair done, feet done. I am going over 4 times a week and regular contact every day by phone. Looking at making the house dementia friendly and have lots of articles printed from various sites so I can be completely clued up. I was able to get 1 teddy bear back and 1 book of my brothers after finding which charity shop SS dropped stuff off at - via the power of Facebook, not from SS, she still won't tell me. Going to empty the rest of mine and my DCs bits out of the house in fear she (SS) may have another clear out. Will be trying to use bits of what is left to do a memory box and a memory book for mum. Unsure exactly what was taken but there is definitely loads, she must have had a van. I'm still devastated by this, my DCs first pairs of shoes, first teddy bears, my wedding album, college artwork and much much more gone. Always thought would be safe there as it was my family home, sadly not.